I Won't Fight Cancer Again

I am really sorry. It's a really hard decision for anyone to make. I hope that you will be okay, and won't have another reoccurence.
 
I read that with tears in my eyes.

My heart goes out to you.

May the months and years to come be as full of happiness and love as possible, and that you find a resolution that you are content with sooner than later. There is a family put there who will love and care for your children just as you do. And continue to keep their mother alive through conversations, books, pictures, and maybe even videos of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I'm sending strength and peace your way...
 
My heart goes out to you. :hug:

I do not envy you. I battled stomach cancer in 2001 and would hate to go through that again. I understand.

Maybe I mis-read but it sound like husband do not see girls as 'his' responsibility? This is why you look for adoption in case?
 
I am really sorry to hear about you having cancer. I hate to say but the person was not a very nice friend to want to watch her kids when are feeling so sick. I hope you will be able beat your cancer. My thoughts are with you.
 
We are all here pulling for you. Is there a reason why you picked nyc for a job?
 
deafbajagal said:
Third time is supposed to be the charm. The last battle was probably the most scared, lonely, and angry I've ever been. I had symptoms, and it took nearly a year before my proper diagnosis. Ironically, it wasn't a specialist who discovered it...it was actually someone at Planned Parenthood who took the time to really listen...and she guided me to the diagnosis by personally seeing I got proper care. If I had waited just a few weeks, it would have been too late.

I just moved to a new city for a new job. We had yet to find a place to live. While my husband stayed with my girls in another city, I spent my days working, going to treatments, and trying to get established by finding a place to live, get utilities started, etc. If you have not had radiation treatments, you cannot possibly fathom the pain from it. To make it worse, the treatment triggered my PTSD to the point I would not be able to distinguish the treatment and what happened. I went to work, while fighting nausea, puking blood, having pain in every part of my body, and enduring exhaustion. Then I would drive myself to the treatment...afterwards I would sleep in my car, often after crying from pain and sheer fear. For the first few nights, I slept in my car until a friend let me stay in her house...but in exchange, I had to babysit her kids. I was not in the condition to do it, but I didn't have a choice. After three weeks, I finally got an apartment, got my kids enrolled in school, got utilities going, etc. I seriously wonder how I avoided suicide...it was really just too much.

For the next several months, I continued to drive myself to and from the doctors. I joined a support group and made good friends. Nevertheless, the people who should have been involved in my life simply vanished. Honestly, hardly anyone called, texted, sent messages, etc. Day in and out, I pushed myself to make sure my girls had dinner, did their homework, etc. I learned to have my own little life. I learned to let the housework go. To take shortcuts to make it work.

A few days ago, my 6th month cancer-free mark came quietly...no one noticed or mentioned it. Not surprising. And I lost two friends from the circle of the cancer support group.

When I first told someone I might have cancer, the words were who would take care of the girls? That alone shook every will I had to die...and pressed me to survive. It showed me that I was involved with someone who simply saw my kids as baggage, not a responsibility. And that burden became my own.

I gave everything I had...even my soul, to survive. Here I am, alone at night. My ear has been bleeding...this is by far the worst ear infection I've had...yet, like always, I got up, took care of kids, made dinner, got their backpacks ready, got them ready for bed...all while in pain and with tears. So...I made a decision. I won't fight cancer again if it returns...and it might. The two friends who died from the same kind I had were in full remission.

I will begin looking into adoption services for my girls to make sure they are not separated and they will have the best life possible. Family, no. If they didn't care enough to check on them while I was going through the treatments, then they erased their ties.

I simply cannot do it anymore. Maybe I'm too bitter. Selfish. But I do know...I have nothing left.
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Congrats, on your 6 month anniversary. Sorry for the loss of your friends. Ear infections are a pain in the ass... I hope you get better soon.

I am Sorry that I have not taken the time to notice the things on FB or AD.. I have lost an Uncle last week and my Dad is at Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville undergoing Chemo as we speak. He is on his first round out of 4 to fight off a disease that is attacking his Kidney. So I have not taken the time to know what is going on with my friends, outside of my homelife.

:hug:

You have the girls to live for. So I hope you get some emotional and physical support from your friends and family.

P.S. You are thought about more than you think. Love ya, Girlie.
 
my prayer your my tougher your friends we supportive for your! we worried your on tough! tough is very caner is very complication sad! continue to keep for my tough!
 
I knew you were a cancer survivior but I had no idea how long ago that was. I can understand why you are looking into the adoption service but I wish you would fight and stick around for your girls. You really do have something - your girls.
 
I echo what everyone else says. I am at loss for words but I do hope that you will continue to fight. I wish I lived nearby so I can help out! Thinking of you and your girls. :hug:
 
Hey, I am sorry about your husband not being there to take care of your kids if you pass away. It looks like you are a very strong hearted woman who will not give up without a fight with your kids. You won't let the pain get in your way. Please be strong and try one more time and maybe you might make it through. You have the guardian angels on your side. I know you have a sweet inner being in yourself, if it wasn't for the cancer.

Keep us updated and also happy 6th anniversary!
 
deafbajagal said:
Third time is supposed to be the charm. The last battle was probably the most scared, lonely, and angry I've ever been. I had symptoms, and it took nearly a year before my proper diagnosis. Ironically, it wasn't a specialist who discovered it...it was actually someone at Planned Parenthood who took the time to really listen...and she guided me to the diagnosis by personally seeing I got proper care. If I had waited just a few weeks, it would have been too late.

I just moved to a new city for a new job. We had yet to find a place to live. While my husband stayed with my girls in another city, I spent my days working, going to treatments, and trying to get established by finding a place to live, get utilities started, etc. If you have not had radiation treatments, you cannot possibly fathom the pain from it. To make it worse, the treatment triggered my PTSD to the point I would not be able to distinguish the treatment and what happened. I went to work, while fighting nausea, puking blood, having pain in every part of my body, and enduring exhaustion. Then I would drive myself to the treatment...afterwards I would sleep in my car, often after crying from pain and sheer fear. For the first few nights, I slept in my car until a friend let me stay in her house...but in exchange, I had to babysit her kids. I was not in the condition to do it, but I didn't have a choice. After three weeks, I finally got an apartment, got my kids enrolled in school, got utilities going, etc. I seriously wonder how I avoided suicide...it was really just too much.

For the next several months, I continued to drive myself to and from the doctors. I joined a support group and made good friends. Nevertheless, the people who should have been involved in my life simply vanished. Honestly, hardly anyone called, texted, sent messages, etc. Day in and out, I pushed myself to make sure my girls had dinner, did their homework, etc. I learned to have my own little life. I learned to let the housework go. To take shortcuts to make it work.

A few days ago, my 6th month cancer-free mark came quietly...no one noticed or mentioned it. Not surprising. And I lost two friends from the circle of the cancer support group.

When I first told someone I might have cancer, the words were who would take care of the girls? That alone shook every will I had to die...and pressed me to survive. It showed me that I was involved with someone who simply saw my kids as baggage, not a responsibility. And that burden became my own.

I gave everything I had...even my soul, to survive. Here I am, alone at night. My ear has been bleeding...this is by far the worst ear infection I've had...yet, like always, I got up, took care of kids, made dinner, got their backpacks ready, got them ready for bed...all while in pain and with tears. So...I made a decision. I won't fight cancer again if it returns...and it might. The two friends who died from the same kind I had were in full remission.

I will begin looking into adoption services for my girls to make sure they are not separated and they will have the best life possible. Family, no. If they didn't care enough to check on them while I was going through the treatments, then they erased their ties.

I simply cannot do it anymore. Maybe I'm too bitter. Selfish. But I do know...I have nothing left.
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I read and pray your cancer will not come back. Congratulation on 6 months of cancer free. Your kids need you and pray you will have a strength to continue to live many more years. Family is important and I am sad to read this your family were not there to support you. Family is very important to me. I am so sorry you have to walk this path all alone. (((((((((((many hugs)))))
 
Now I understand what you meant on facebook.

Now I'm teary eyed. I wish I could have been there for you when you needed it.

So you know, if you need someone to take the girls in. I'd adopt them and bring them up in Australia.

:hug:

Am always thinking of you.
 
I thank everyone for their kind and supportive responses. I know some of you had to deal with the ugly beast (cancer) at one way or another in your lives, and I'm truly sorry for your experiences. Some of you mentioned my husband...he has been supportive as much as he possibly can. He has to work nights because of the kids' school schedules, so it's really not his fault. I feel bad for him being in the position he was/is in. There were times I wish he showed more emotional support, but that's pretty normal for any relationship, I think. We both have grown a lot from this. He feels he won't be in the position to take care of the girls if I pass on...and that's something I won't understand but I will respect it. So, I'm looking into other options.

As of now, I'm in "remission." There's about a 25% chance of surviving and having a full remission. I guess I like to plan ahead. And this decision was really difficult but I feel at peace with it.

I know it sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I'm letting go. And there's a big difference. I fought my battles as hard as I could. My body, mind, and spirit is spent. Realistically, another set of rounds of treatment would not do much good. Financially, I wouldn't be able to afford it...wouldn't be able to quit work just to recover and stay home. What I have to do is decide how will I spend the last moments of my life...in pain, sick, and obviously unwell...or with cancer but able to functionally fully. I would want my kids to remember the best side of me, not the sickly side. This is something only a person who has personally experienced being stricken with terminal illness can fully relate.

Of course, there's always the chance I would beat this once and for all. If so, I'll be eternally grateful for more time and for more opportunities As of now, I need to make the best of it. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. No one knows how much sand is left in each one's hourglass.
 
I haven't told my family about my decision yet. But I did finally tell my husband this morning. He's having mixed reactions and is trying to process and cope with it all. I think I should have eased it on him but I just dumped it all on him this morning, before I could chicken out. It took me about three weeks to finally tell him. I think this post was a good way for me to practice. So thank you all for letting me get it off my chest and vent a little. :hug:
 
wow, cancer treatment is so brutal

hope you feel better and stay in remission
 
deafbajagal said:
I thank everyone for their kind and supportive responses. I know some of you had to deal with the ugly beast (cancer) at one way or another in your lives, and I'm truly sorry for your experiences. Some of you mentioned my husband...he has been supportive as much as he possibly can. He has to work nights because of the kids' school schedules, so it's really not his fault. I feel bad for him being in the position he was/is in. There were times I wish he showed more emotional support, but that's pretty normal for any relationship, I think. We both have grown a lot from this. He feels he won't be in the position to take care of the girls if I pass on...and that's something I won't understand but I will respect it. So, I'm looking into other options.

As of now, I'm in "remission." There's about a 25% chance of surviving and having a full remission. I guess I like to plan ahead. And this decision was really difficult but I feel at peace with it.

I know it sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I'm letting go. And there's a big difference. I fought my battles as hard as I could. My body, mind, and spirit is spent. Realistically, another set of rounds of treatment would not do much good. Financially, I wouldn't be able to afford it...wouldn't be able to quit work just to recover and stay home. What I have to do is decide how will I spend the last moments of my life...in pain, sick, and obviously unwell...or with cancer but able to functionally fully. I would want my kids to remember the best side of me, not the sickly side. This is something only a person who has personally experienced being stricken with terminal illness can fully relate.

Of course, there's always the chance I would beat this once and for all. If so, I'll be eternally grateful for more time and for more opportunities As of now, I need to make the best of it. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. No one knows how much sand is left in each one's hourglass.
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Wow, what a , I am at loss with words here. Thank you for your sharing and help us to understand more about you and others who are going thru same thing. (((( hug))).
 
I am sorry to hear all this and I am at a loss for words but I wish the best for you and your girls. I have no idea what it's like to endure cancer but I will think of you and your girls. I hope your cancer hasn't returned. :hug:

Grats on your sixth month anniversity.
 
deafbajagal said:
I thank everyone for their kind and supportive responses. I know some of you had to deal with the ugly beast (cancer) at one way or another in your lives, and I'm truly sorry for your experiences. Some of you mentioned my husband...he has been supportive as much as he possibly can. He has to work nights because of the kids' school schedules, so it's really not his fault. I feel bad for him being in the position he was/is in. There were times I wish he showed more emotional support, but that's pretty normal for any relationship, I think. We both have grown a lot from this. He feels he won't be in the position to take care of the girls if I pass on...and that's something I won't understand but I will respect it. So, I'm looking into other options.

As of now, I'm in "remission." There's about a 25% chance of surviving and having a full remission. I guess I like to plan ahead. And this decision was really difficult but I feel at peace with it.

I know it sounds like I'm giving up, but I'm not. I'm letting go. And there's a big difference. I fought my battles as hard as I could. My body, mind, and spirit is spent. Realistically, another set of rounds of treatment would not do much good. Financially, I wouldn't be able to afford it...wouldn't be able to quit work just to recover and stay home. What I have to do is decide how will I spend the last moments of my life...in pain, sick, and obviously unwell...or with cancer but able to functionally fully. I would want my kids to remember the best side of me, not the sickly side. This is something only a person who has personally experienced being stricken with terminal illness can fully relate.

Of course, there's always the chance I would beat this once and for all. If so, I'll be eternally grateful for more time and for more opportunities As of now, I need to make the best of it. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. No one knows how much sand is left in each one's hourglass.
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ooooohhhh :ty: for correction about your hubby.

well at least he was honest about his issue with raising the kids and now you can plan better for them.
 
I think it's good for you to let your hubby know how you feel about it and up to him and make him think about it hard. Yet, i pray that your cancer will not come back for a very very long time. i know youre so brave enough to share here with your thoughts. :hug:
 
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