I try and try and try and try..when do I stop?

shel90

shel90

Love Makes the World Go Round
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My mother in law and I dont have a great relationship because I cant talk to her. What I mean is that I CANT understand her as she mumbles or always turns away from me whenever I talk to her making communication inaccessible to me. I have told her again and again what works for me as far as being able to communicate with her. I have NO problems with the rest of the family as they thrive to meet my needs but her. After a while, I stopped initiating conversations with her and just let it be. I had no complaints ..that's the story of my life with some people who have a hard time understanding how to meet a deaf person's needs. However, she constantly complains to my hubby that I take advantage of her when I need her to watch my kids especially my daughter as she is not her blood relative. My hubby always tellls me that she loves watching them but then I hear about how much she loves it but doesnt think I appreciate her. So, I asked her what did she mean by that and she said that I never call to chat on the phone or make conversations with her.

After that soul bearing, I started calling her thru VRS..she wouldnt say a word. So I would try to make conversations by asking how she was and what was up. She would respond saying "Fine...nothing...yes....no". I cant keep the ball rolling if she doesnt do her part. I asked my hubby about that and he asked her and she told him that she doesnt like VRS or relay and that I should call her on the phone.SURE! I can do that but I wont understand her...hello!

So, she complains to him that I dont talk to her at gatherings...well, I try. Yesterday was a perfect example..I ignored my CUTE neighbor who can sign and my deaf brother to talk to her. As soon as I brought up a story, she would interrupt me to tell a story of her own relating to the topic I brought up and everyone would ignore me and start laughing with her and I am totally forgotten. So, I try again and again with differenct topics only to have that happen again and again. So, I gave up and went to sit on the couch to flirt with my neighbor and chat with my brother. She made a comment saying that I dont even try to include her in our conversations..Oh my god..


Why is is that, as a deaf person, I HAVE TO WORK MY ASS OFF TO ACCOMPANY OTHERS BUT THEY WONT???

I am a good natured person but this was enough to get me into a tirade and I am still pissed off today. I told my hubby that I am still angry about it. If she had never complained about me, then all is cool but I am tired of her complaining about me to my hubby and my hubby telling me to try. When do I stop? Do I have a responsibility to her or what?

UUUUUUIUUGHHHH! Thank god, my friend had a Thanksgiving party the night before, otherwise, I would have been more miserable all weekend. LOL!

Share you Holiday vents here! :)
 
Heh... your mom sound like the same reason why I refuse to go home...

Because of my dumb stepdad who criticize I don't try hard enough.
 
I just sent a PM to my ex hubby's sister thru FB telling her how much I appreciate her and the rest of his family for making me feel included at all times. They were even better than my own family at that. Wow!
 
That's the way it is. People area always interrupting other people's story (especially they want to be the center of attention). I think what your MIL want is a listener as much as you hate it, but that's the way some people are

... Just ask questions and be a listener, and she probably quit complaining
 
Lighthouse77 said:
That's the way it is. People area always interrupting other people's story. I think what your MIL want is a listener as much as you hate it, but that's the way some people are

... Just ask questions and be a listener, and she probably quit complaining
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I did that..sat there and listened and then she started realizing that I never contributed to the conversations and told my hubby if i was listening at all. That was 2 years ago..

I guess this is a case that I will NEVER win, no matter what and it just makes me more and more grateful that I have my Deaf friends who are like family to me. Thank god for them.
 
She is your MIL. MIL can be a pain sometimes because they are always looking for something to complain about the woman their son married.

In fact, it's really your husband's job to tell his mother, "that's enough!"
 
simple. your MIL is an old cahoot. she's that kind of person who is stuck in old time. nothing we can do about it. you did your best and now she needs to do her best but she isn't so she's not your problem. she's your hubby's problem :)
 
Hi, try to be more independent, sometimes even communication with my family in NC can be difficult, sometimes hysterical. That's why I moved to FL where I can surround myself with more positive friends than I do back home. But I know you are stuck with her through marriage with your husband, it may be best to take a communication vacation from her, and communicate to her with the assistance of another person. Hopefully she will get the hint and change her ways, but always know the problem is NEVER you! Your MIL needs to learn to be part of the solution. :hug:
 
Lighthouse77 said:
She is your MIL. MIL can be a pain sometimes because they are always looking for something to complain about the woman their son married.

In fact, it's really your husband's job to tell his mother, "that's enough!"
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I agree with this 100%. This is just as much a marriage/in-law issue as it is a deaf/communication issue, probably more so in fact.

Your husband needs to stand up for you more. What is his opinion on the matter?

:hug: for you Shel. MILs are such a pain in the ass. I've not been married, but had a couple long term relationships where the mothers were basically the source of so many problems in the relationship.
 
Yea, a lot of MILs can't help but see a wife as the evil women who took her son away.

No one should be talking behind anyone's back. When your MIL complains to him about you, he should say, "You need to discuss this issue directly with Shel." Then he should refuse to listen to any more complaints and not repeat what MIL says to you. There needs to be a firm boundary there. This kind of triangulation is a major problem in relationships. MIL is purposely causing trouble. She knows that hubby will tell you and then it causes trouble.

If your MIL is unkind to you in front of your hubby, you need to discuss the issue with MIL and hubby needs to back you up.

You and your hubby can deal with this together and end the problems.
 
I never talk to mine. If they come to town, one of my children tells me if the in laws want me to know something.

In the last two years since I have been sick, I finally told them I don't like them to touch me. They always used to insist to hug me hello and goodbye.

My husband is ASD also so I don't know why they could not figure that out.

That was in-law vent.

Holiday vent, WHy should I cook dinner, at my house on Thanksgiving when it falls on my birthday? Not fair. But my husband did help a lot.
 
Bottesini said:
I never talk to mine. If they come to town, one of my children tells me if the in laws want me to know something.

In the last two years since I have been sick, I finally told them I don't like them to touch me. They always used to insist to hug me hello and goodbye.

My husband is ASD also so I don't know why they could not figure that out.

That was in-law vent.

Holiday vent, WHy should I cook dinner, at my house on Thanksgiving when it falls on my birthday? Not fair. But my husband did help a lot.
Click to expand...

what's ASD?
 
am sorry to read about this, Shel - in my thinking, issue isn't YOURS, it is HERS.
Perhaps you could write 2 notes - one po'd letter just to vent and burn or discard later and one actually to be sent or given to MIL, and if she argues it, or doesn't respond, or continues same pattern, well, you did your final best and whatever actions or consequences are hers alone. You could discuss idea or note with hubby beforehand and explain or re-explain why it is so important to you to have him as your ally.
:hug:
 
My hubby told me not to worry about it but he has expressed that he wishes we were closer as he is very close to his mom. I respect his relationship with her but LEAVE me alone!!! I am fine without the bitching and complaining so if she can just stop then all is good because I dont bitch and complain about not being able to understand her. GRRR!

Thanks everyone. Just needed to vent. :)
 
It does seem to me that you've tried and tried for 2 years, and no changes have been made....And ur husband knows about the situation and the family too. Is ur MIL this rude to her other daugher-in-laws? Have you tried talking to the other family members about ur MIL's treatment towards you, and if they know the reason why? Do you think it's because of ur deafness that she treats you this way?

Seems to me, you're dammned if you do and dammed if you don't. But I would not let it get to me....if could hurt ur marriage. I would be as nice to her as much as possible, even turning the other cheek, because it seems to me that she isn't gonna change her way of thinking after this long period of time.

Many couples go thru situations such as this. It's sad, really....but if you can't change her way of thinking and acting towards you, then just stop it! No use of beating urself up for something that is beyond ur control, Shel. As long as you and ur husband know that you have tried, that's all there is to do. Don't let her words or actions hurt or bother you at family gatherings anymore! Just have a good time and smile.....Maybe one day when ur MIL realizes that she can't hurt you anymore, she might stop, I dunno.
 
rockin'robin said:
It does seem to me that you've tried and tried for 2 years, and no changes have been made....And ur husband knows about the situation and the family too. Is ur MIL this rude to her other daugher-in-laws? Have you tried talking to the other family members about ur MIL's treatment towards you, and if they know the reason why? Do you think it's because of ur deafness that she treats you this way?

Seems to me, you're dammned if you do and dammed if you don't. But I would not let it get to me....if could hurt ur marriage. I would be as nice to her as much as possible, even turning the other cheek, because it seems to me that she isn't gonna change her way of thinking after this long period of time.

Many couples go thru situations such as this. It's sad, really....but if you can't change her way of thinking and acting towards you, then just stop it! No use of beating urself up for something that is beyond ur control, Shel. As long as you and ur husband know that you have tried, that's all there is to do. Don't let her words or actions hurt or bother you at family gatherings anymore! Just have a good time and smile.....Maybe one day when ur MIL realizes that she can't hurt you anymore, she might stop, I dunno.
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My hubby doesnt have any other brothers and she has never complained like that about anyone in the family but me. I dont know why I dont even want to find out why because I dont care anymore like I do. I guess it was because she came over to my house and I must have felt obligated as a host to play this BS game.

I normally dont put too much thought into it until around the holidays. GRRR!

My hubby is afraid of her just like I am afraid of my mom. We are both so bad! Someday we will tell them off...ha!

Thanks!
 
You have done everything you could to improve the situation, Shel. In fact, you have gone above and beyond. If she doesn't want to meet you half way in the process, then it is her loss. She doesn't get the chance to develop a relationship with her awesome daughter in law.

You've done your part. You can't make her take responsibility for hers. You can only do so much. I say, let it go. It is obvious that the responsibility is on her shoulders, because other family members have tried to meet you half way, and you have been able to develop a good relationship with them.
 
Sounds like she is trying to make light of your deafness, perhaps as a show that you are somehow flawed, and not worthy of her son. I have seen this before, and it is a no-win situation. Many MILs feel that nobody is worthy of their child, so they look for reasons.

The real problem will belong to your husband, as he is the go between here. He is not being forced to make a choice, but he is forced to deal with the frustrations of the two most important women in his life. The way he deals with this is the main ingredient in the formula.

Remember this: there is no cure for deafness, but there is a cure for ignorance. She needs educating, and she needs to decide if it is worth the effort to converse with a deaf person. She probably does not like leaving her world of oralism, because she is comfortable there. Hope she changes her mind. Sorry to be so blunt.
 
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