I Don't Understand.. :C

TrippyMoods22 · Mar 30, 2015

I don't talk about my feelings or what goes on in my life/head, but i think catharsis is much-needed right now, so here goes.

I am HoH, my family is Hearing. I want to attend Gallaudet University in the fall. I began the application and did most of it, but need my mother's help to finish it. She keeps telling me she will help when i make time for it; but, when i open the application and ask for her help, she always tells me that she is "busy" or has "things to do." It isn't just an issue with timing; i've asked her when she is not working, and am given excuses. I'm done waiting for her; i'm going to do this all by myself.

My goals are to become thoroughly fluent in ASL, major in Interpreting, counseling, or something that would benefit D/deaf and disabled people of all ages and backgrounds. I want to minor in Communication. In order to properly and fully immerse myself, I want to ditch the HA's and establish myself as a Deaf man. My mom doesn't understand, nor does she support this desire. When i told her of my intentions to establish myself as D/deaf; and started to explain why, she cut me off before i had even gotten to the middle of my sentence. She cited two fits of rage that i'd had, blaming it on the medication i am taking (adderall) but i have those WITHOUT meds. She brought them up to support her theory that my withdrawing from her is to blame on the meds. However, i only have them when i push myself past my breaking point, though. When i don't, (the majority of the time) i am fine.

She has been trying to poke holes in anything i want to do, that requires not wearing my HA's. She told me to talk to my psychologist about it, insisting that he would say the same things that she is. However, i have discussed this with him multiple times, and he is fully supportive and encouraging of me. She even said "So you want to walk down the street, passing people whom you can't even talk to because you can't hear them?" But in so many words, yes mom, that's exactly it. I WANT to be deaf. Why does nobody listen to me? I wear earplugs to keep the world out of my ears, because silence is my favorite sound.

I have been pushing her away because she refuses to accomodate me; despite my constant accomodation of her. I used to put my hearing aids in whenever she asked. Recently, i have been refraining from doing so, as i wanted to see just how supportive she'd be. She had always scoffed at me when i complained about her not listening, being unsupportive, and discouraging me. Yet, her actions show her true feelings... It stings badly, but it isn't new.

She will literally walk into my room to stand in front of me, talk down to me, and become defensive upon my request to sit down or, at the very least, crouch so i can understand her better. And if i stand up, she will back up and lower her voice, cocking her head to shoot me a weird look upon my stepping toward her... I have no clue why my mother is acting so weird!!

And, when i ask her why she won't learn sign language, her reply was "You don't know it" Yet i know a lot more than she does. I can spell anybody's name incredibly fast; spell the alphabet forwards and backwards (literally) and i know many words. Random, but at least i stand behind what i say i'm going to do! :/ How does one approach a parent who doesn't listen; and refuses to modify the way they communicate?

Bottesini · Mar 30, 2015

If you are an adult, you leave home, establish yourself as you want to be, make friends who treat you as you wish to be treated, and forget the parent who mistreated you.

Folly is doing the same thing over and over , expecting a different result.

hoichi · Mar 30, 2015

Alright...first thing always to do, no matter what is be cool. Be relaxed..There is allot in your post. congrats re galy. It ill change your life. and great your descovering your self as a DEAF guy, and will learn our language...thats badass. stck with it. you can do it. Are there any deafies in your city? you will learn ASL. Hsve patience. no rush.
Look.your mother is going.through allot of her own emotions and stress..no matter, now your a man. And your mother needs you to be a man..show her your a man, and things will get better..that means keeping cool, that means, giving her the time and space to come to.grip and acceptance of you as a DEAF man.
It sucks but in the end she doesnt need to accomodate you..no one does.. you can do it..there is no plm you cant handle..
learn sign,.she may come around, she may not..
There is a DEAF world.waiting for you....
Welcome,,,

Crickets · Mar 31, 2015

TrippyMoods22 said:
I don't talk about my feelings or what goes on in my life/head, but i think catharsis is much-needed right now, so here goes.

I am HoH, my family is Hearing. I want to attend Gallaudet University in the fall. I began the application and did most of it, but need my mother's help to finish it. She keeps telling me she will help when i make time for it; but, when i open the application and ask for her help, she always tells me that she is "busy" or has "things to do." It isn't just an issue with timing; i've asked her when she is not working, and am given excuses. I'm done waiting for her; i'm going to do this all by myself.

My goals are to become thoroughly fluent in ASL, major in Interpreting, counseling, or something that would benefit D/deaf and disabled people of all ages and backgrounds. I want to minor in Communication. In order to properly and fully immerse myself, I want to ditch the HA's and establish myself as a Deaf man. My mom doesn't understand, nor does she support this desire. When i told her of my intentions to establish myself as D/deaf; and started to explain why, she cut me off before i had even gotten to the middle of my sentence. She cited two fits of rage that i'd had, blaming it on the medication i am taking (adderall) but i have those WITHOUT meds. She brought them up to support her theory that my withdrawing from her is to blame on the meds. However, i only have them when i push myself past my breaking point, though. When i don't, (the majority of the time) i am fine.

She has been trying to poke holes in anything i want to do, that requires not wearing my HA's. She told me to talk to my psychologist about it, insisting that he would say the same things that she is. However, i have discussed this with him multiple times, and he is fully supportive and encouraging of me. She even said "So you want to walk down the street, passing people whom you can't even talk to because you can't hear them?" But in so many words, yes mom, that's exactly it. I WANT to be deaf. Why does nobody listen to me? I wear earplugs to keep the world out of my ears, because silence is my favorite sound.

I have been pushing her away because she refuses to accomodate me; despite my constant accomodation of her. I used to put my hearing aids in whenever she asked. Recently, i have been refraining from doing so, as i wanted to see just how supportive she'd be. She had always scoffed at me when i complained about her not listening, being unsupportive, and discouraging me. Yet, her actions show her true feelings... It stings badly, but it isn't new.

She will literally walk into my room to stand in front of me, talk down to me, and become defensive upon my request to sit down or, at the very least, crouch so i can understand her better. And if i stand up, she will back up and lower her voice, cocking her head to shoot me a weird look upon my stepping toward her... I have no clue why my mother is acting so weird!! And, when i ask her why she won't learn sign language, her reply was "You don't know it" Yet i know a lot more than she does. I can spell anybody's name incredibly fast; spell the alphabet forwards and backwards (literally) and i know many words. Random, but at least i stand behind what i say i'm going to do! :/ How does one approach a parent who doesn't listen; and refuses to modify the way they communicate?

Are you going to be paying for your college tuition, room and board, books, etc., or is your mother going to be paying for them? If you're expecting your mother to pay for them, or even to help pay for them, then she has a right to have a say in where you go to college and whatever else her money is paying for. If you want to be able to make decisions about where you go to college without her approval, then you may need to pay your own way.

If you're going to be depending on her to help finance college, have you thought about any sort of compromise? Maybe where you attend a college she wants you to attend for a semester or two, while you take ASL as one of your classes? If you do well in the ASL class and your other classes, maybe she'd be willing to discuss you transferring to where you want to go? If you want to make progress with her, you're going to have to talk to her and try to find out what's really bothering her. Maybe she's unsure that you're ready for college, period, and that's why she's been hesitant about helping you apply. Some parents have a hard time when their children go away to college. I don't know your particular situation, but maybe she'd prefer if you went to college - at least at first - closer to home? I really have no idea and I'm just throwing out possibilities. You're only going to solve the problem by talking to her, though. Have you thought about going to family counseling with her? Sometimes it's easier to talk things out with a therapist there with you to guide the conversation.

Bebonang · Mar 31, 2015

I have to agree with Bottesini that the only way is to leave your parent's house and find a place for you to live alone or find a roommate to live with you. You are adult, not a young kid anymore. You have a job that will help you pay for your place to live.

As for going to Gallaudet University in Washington, D.C., you can talk with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation service in your area about going to Gallaudet University. I don't think you would not get some money from your mother. The DVR would pay for room and board (dormitory) plus the allowance to spend what you need for necessities.

Find what your goals and your desires to go what you want to do with your life. I understand your concerns.

By the way, I had problems with my mother about not understanding about deafness and not want to use ASL just because I can lipread and talked to her. She thought she was too late to learn but I told her that it is never too late to learn how to sign ASL. But still she refused to listen. She wanted her ways, not my ways.

Bottesini · Mar 31, 2015

Crickets said:
Are you going to be paying for your college tuition, room and board, books, etc., or is your mother going to be paying for them? If you're expecting your mother to pay for them, or even to help pay for them, then she has a right to have a say in where you go to college and whatever else her money is paying for. If you want to be able to make decisions about where you go to college without her approval, then you may need to pay your own way.

It's far better to cut the ties and pay your own way than keep going in a toxic state.

Having someone pay your way is a terrible reason to be miserable.

I and my husband paid for every bit of our own college and life and I was younger than Trippy.

It's perfectly possible to do.

Crickets · Mar 31, 2015

Bottesini said:
It's far better to cut the ties and pay your own way than keep going in a toxic state.

Having someone pay your way is a terrible reason to be miserable.

I and my husband paid for every bit of our own college and life and I was younger than Trippy.

It's perfectly possible to do.

Arguing between parent and child over college doesn't necessarily mean it's a "toxic state." It's going to be up to him to decide whether he feels it would be more worthwhile to cut all ties and pay his way or to try to find common ground/understanding with his mother regarding college. Once he cuts ties, if he has regrets or falls on hard times money-wise, it may be even harder to try to reconcile or to demonstrate to his mother that his choices made sense, so to take such a drastic step he should be really sure that's the best thing to do for him. I certainly don't know enough about his situation to tell him to go or stay - that's a decision he's going to have to make.

I do know one thing: college is much much more expensive now than it was when I went to school. It's harder for young people to pay their own way now, and student loan debt is one of the fastest growing areas of debt in the U.S. Just something to consider when weighing all the facts involved.

Bebonang · Mar 31, 2015

Crickets said:
Are you going to be paying for your college tuition, room and board, books, etc., or is your mother going to be paying for them? If you're expecting your mother to pay for them, or even to help pay for them, then she has a right to have a say in where you go to college and whatever else her money is paying for. If you want to be able to make decisions about where you go to college without her approval, then you may need to pay your own way.

If you're going to be depending on her to help finance college, have you thought about any sort of compromise? Maybe where you attend a college she wants you to attend for a semester or two, while you take ASL as one of your classes? If you do well in the ASL class and your other classes, maybe she'd be willing to discuss you transferring to where you want to go? If you want to make progress with her, you're going to have to talk to her and try to find out what's really bothering her. Maybe she's unsure that you're ready for college, period, and that's why she's been hesitant about helping you apply. Some parents have a hard time when their children go away to college. I don't know your particular situation, but maybe she'd prefer if you went to college - at least at first - closer to home? I really have no idea and I'm just throwing out possibilities. You're only going to solve the problem by talking to her, though. Have you thought about going to family counseling with her? Sometimes it's easier to talk things out with a therapist there with you to guide the conversation.

Please, don't talk down on him like as if he is a kid. He happen to be 22 years old. He is an adult. He does not know where to find help like DVR (Division of Vocational Rehabilitation) service. He already done the counseling with his psychologist and his mother, I think. Did you read what he was saying in his thread? He can take care of himself without the burden from his mother. Give him a break.

Crickets · Mar 31, 2015

Bebonang said:
Please, don't talk down on him like as if he is a kid. He happen to be 22 years old. He is an adult. He does not know where to find help like DVR (Division of Vocational Rehabilitation) service. He already done the counseling with his psychologist and his mother, I think. Did you read what he was saying in his thread? He can take care of himself without the burden from his mother. Give him a break.

Yes, I did read his post. It doesn't matter if he's 22 years old or 42 years old. If he's expecting his mother to help pay for college, then she should expect to have some say in where he goes. If he's 22 years old and still living at home with his mother and dependent on her to help support him, then he has to expect to live by her rules (it's her house).

I already said if he doesn't want to have to deal with what his mother wants, then he should move out and pay for college himself. Maybe he doesn't know where to contact the DVR, but his post was about the problems he's having with his mother, so that's what I talked about.

If he's able to pay for college on his own without his mother's help (since he's a 22-year-old adult) and plans to move out and support himself by working while he goes to school, I couldn't tell that from what he said. That's why I asked him who is going to be paying for him to go to college (him or his mother?). He mentioned needing his mother's help to finish filling out a college application, so it seemed to me like he was at least partially dependent on her in some way.

Bebonang · Mar 31, 2015

Are you hearing? What is the business of telling us off about his mother?

TrippyMoods22 have a job. He is not being supported by his mother. He had a reason to tried to get his mother to help him apply for application to go into Gallaudet University. There are other issues that his mother does not respond or agreed with him on account of his deafness and wanting him to wear his hearing aids. Did you read my thread on #5. That is my answer to him about finding ways to apply application for him to go into Gallaudet University. Don't make an issue harder for him and his mother just because he was having problem with his mother on his goals and trying to find them.

No reason for you to get upset at him. :roll:

Crickets · Apr 1, 2015

Bebonang said:
Are you hearing? What is the business of telling us off about his mother?

TrippyMoods22 have a job. He is not being supported by his mother. He had a reason to tried to get his mother to help him apply for application to go into Gallaudet University. There are other issues that his mother does not respond or agreed with him on account of his deafness and wanting him to wear his hearing aids. Did you read my thread on #5. That is my answer to him about finding ways to apply application for him to go into Gallaudet University. Don't make an issue harder for him and his mother just because he was having problem with his mother on his goals and trying to find them.

No reason for you to get upset at him. :roll:

I'm hoh, and I didn't tell anyone off. If you read my posts, you'll see that I suggested he talk to his mother to try to find out what's bothering her, since he seems confused by her behavior. Someone else mentioned it sounded like it was a toxic situation, so maybe you have me confused with that other poster.

I haven't read all of his posts/threads or all of yours, either. I read this thread and answered it. If I post a question, I don't expect people to read all my other posts in all the other threads before answering my question.

I'm not upset with him. I was trying to understand his situation more so I could try to help.

If he has a job and isn't being supported by his mother, I couldn't tell that from what he said in the first post in this thread. That's why I asked him who was going to be paying for his college education. His questions seemed like they were from someone younger than 22. I don't mean that in a negative way; I just honestly thought he was about 18 from the questions/issues he was having with his mother and how he talked about them. He mentioned that she walks into his room and won't sit down, which makes it sound like he's living in his mother's house, not in his own apartment with his own rent, bills, etc. If he's financially independent of his mother and can pay for college himself, then I don't see what the problem is. Part of being an adult is doing what's right for you regardless of what your parents think.

whatdidyousay! · Apr 1, 2015

Would your mom go with to your psychologist so he can tell her that he support to or see if your psychologist would write a letter to your mom. You could to go voc rehab and see if they would help you go to college and get support from them . What about your dad , I am not sure if he is still in your life or not. Does he support you ?

TrippyMoods22 · Apr 1, 2015

Okay, i'm going to clear a few things up that i should have mentioned in the original post. I have two jobs; i don't expect financial help with anything, but i do appreciate and repay favors whenever i am able.

I do live with my mother; but not for free. I pay rent, do work around the house, and other small things. I can't do anything major, financially; but i do whatever i can.

I would not be discussing my personal issues if i hadn't already tried going to her, multiple times, and getting the same types of answers. Not much has changed on her end; and if she listened to the answers i try to give in response to her questions without cutting me off midsentence with another question/retort/discouragement, I wouldn't have resolved to go it alone. She told me she'd learn sign, took a class for a few days, and dropped it. She doesn't commit to things, which is where i used to be like her; but have begun changing myself in order to better pursue my goals. I began replacing bad habits with healthier habits; quit smoking, and committed to committing. There is more, but i feel i have already gotten my point across.

P.S.: i have talked to my therapist about this, and he supports me 100%. Of course there will be difficulties; but i'm a hard worker and i stand behind my performance. No need for my word, when action says more than words.

P.P.S.: I have been working with the DVR for the last year, on and off. I didn't get these jobs with their help; i got them on my own. GU is where i will require VR's assistance, but i am not worried about that. I'll find a way.

TrippyMoods22 · Apr 1, 2015

@Whatdidyousay, if i asked my mom to come with me to my psychologist, it would last a few days, then things would go back to how they were before. I've given up trying to draw blood from a stone.

Also, my dad supports my family financially, but neither of them has ever been there for me, emotionally. My brother has when i go to him, but not my parents. They have never had time for me. Just how it's always been. They'd throw me at psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, doctors. I'll post photos of the books my mother bought, thinking that a book could help one to understand a child, better than actual quality time could.

hoichi · Apr 1, 2015

Next pay, buy your mother, some flowers...

whatdidyousay! · Apr 1, 2015

TrippyMoods22 said:
@Whatdidyousay, if i asked my mom to come with me to my psychologist, it would last a few days, then things would go back to how they were before. I've given up trying to draw blood from a stone.

Also, my dad supports my family financially, but neither of them has ever been there for me, emotionally. My brother has when i go to him, but not my parents. They have never had time for me. Just how it's always been. They'd throw me at psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, doctors. I'll post photos of the books my mother bought, thinking that a book could help one to understand a child, better than actual quality time could.

I meant to have your mom just go with you to your psychologist one time so he can tell your mom he support your idea. Your mom think your psychologist
would agree with her and you said he does not. I thought it might help if your mom heard that she is wrong. I am thinking maybe your mom is trying to
keep you at home b/c she does not want to lose the money you're giving her. I think your mom is the one that could benefit from seeing a
psychologist.

caz12 · Apr 1, 2015

I have agree with Bot young person why do you need mums help do uni application..
you seem clever well grounded.
I left home at 16 granted I was not deaf at the time, my mother screamed at me I not last one week I never give her satisfaction of finding out never went back again...some happiest years in my life when I went on my own.
personaly I throw pills away get out and on with life bc you going have some wonderful experiences at gally (yes some English do go there)so many adventures to come

TrippyMoods22 · Apr 2, 2015

@whatdidyousay, i am not sure how that will be accomplished; but it is worth a shot.
I'll talk to him (my psychologist) and listen to his feedback on the matter.
Then, i will decide if i still feel that it is worth it, to pursue the matter with my mother. I don't at the moment, but my perspective may change upon listening to my psychologist's feedback. He's always got good suggestions

caz12, i just wanted her to go over it, because i want reassurance that i did it correctly. But that's forgotten, as of the other day. I'm going to find people who treat me as i want/need to be treated; and whom are willing to accomodate me as needed. I loathe feeling like a burden, but swallowing my pride and opening myself up to others is better than shutting myself away and being miserable.

hoichi · Apr 2, 2015

Trust me, get her some flowers, she deserves it. its money well spent....

caz12 · Apr 2, 2015

TrippyMoods22 said:
@whatdidyousay, i am not sure how that will be accomplished; but it is worth a shot.
I'll talk to him (my psychologist) and listen to his feedback on the matter.
Then, i will decide if i still feel that it is worth it, to pursue the matter with my mother. I don't at the moment, but my perspective may change upon listening to my psychologist's feedback. He's always got good suggestions

caz12, i just wanted her to go over it, because i want reassurance that i did it correctly. But that's forgotten, as of the other day. I'm going to find people who treat me as i want/need to be treated; and whom are willing to accomodate me as needed. I loathe feeling like a burden, but swallowing my pride and opening myself up to others is better than shutting myself away and being miserable.

that is wise thinking
but don't use words like burden,you will have and get friends when leave home what friends do for you is no burden then you return help when they need it....it not swallowing pride when meet other people in friendship sorry hunny but if want fulfilling life ya just got take that first step,you no be only person who be feeling like you do.
unfortunately young deaf people can have problems and not always the help. so do some trouble shooting now
be brave cultivate hard skin go for it...good luck you will do it

I Don't Understand.. :C

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