This is a good question. For years I questioned. I remember having girl crushes from a very young age. By high school I was toying with the idea of going all the way with another girl in my head but I never told anyone because of the fear. Well, I ended up getting knocked up by a guy in college and so I dropped out to marry him and have my DD. That marriage lasted only 18 months before we were officially divorced in the State of Arkansas. It was a really abusive relationship. After that ended I told myself, "Never again."
Well about 6 months after the divorce I got involved with a woman and I liked it. It ended on a sour note, but in the long run I'm glad it ended. It was going to be a bad relationship if we were going to continue.
Then I a dated a guy for about two years. I had no intentions of marrying him, but why we even stayed together is beyond me. I think he was just holding on while I was trying to move on. That ended quietly. We just both drifted apart.
Then I started finding myself fantasizing about going all the way with a woman. Almost obsessing over it really. It was a messed up thought pattern I think. I never told anyone, never mentioned it, never gave away any indication of it outwardly although my thoughts were consumed with it.
Then one day the question was popped to me at work "Are you gay?" At that moment I thought - well crap if it's oozing off of me then I must be gay. I mean I have been fantasizing being with a woman to the point of stupidity. So my response was "Well, whether I'm gay, straight, into monkeys, or dating the manager; I am happy with whatever you project over onto me." The lady that asked just gave me a baffled look and said "yeah, your gay because you're dodging it." So from that moment on, I was known as the cool lesbo at work.
When I went to work at Walmart - I found myself flirting with another cashier that was a known bi-sexual. To me at that point, I was just having fun with the chase. After I went to work at Tyson, that's when I really started coming out as gay. It was also during this time I had my first serious gf and needless to say it was the best relationship i've had on a human level. It ended ok, but I was still sad that it did.
Now with my recent conversion to Christianity, I am having second thoughts about this sexuality. To me, I feel vulnerable but yet somehow strengthened.
So in the end, I don't think there was any particular or specific moment where I realized I was gay. I think it had just been seething beneath the surface and it's quietly worked its way to the top.
As for the fear, my family knows but they are in denial and it's never discussed. I feel like I cannot discuss anything with them. I can't talk about my sexuality issues nor can I discuss religion with them so I feel like I really have nowhere to go.
Fortunately I have one friend who seems to try to be understanding - but I find ourselves drifting apart which is scary you know? It's like I'm losing the one good friend I have around here. I just wish I could find a stable and constant relationship that's good. Sadly, that doesn't seem like it's going to happen.
