How I lost a friend or rather friend lost me....

[dereksbicycles]

Yesterday on Facebook, my friend wrote that she took the bus. When she got off the bus, there was a big fire at a building nearby. Apparently, one of the construction worker had an accident with a welding equipment causing fire. Key word is accident.

I wrote on her post asking if the worker would face disciplinary action or maybe even be terminated.

My friend was furious. She thought that I was trying to be funny. I don't see how I was being funny. I am sure a lot of people would have a similar question like I do. Maybe it was a stupid question, but it was not funny or anything like that. She called me idiot and decided she didn't want to be my friend.

Some people over react. If I posted this note on your Facebook post, what would you think?

 

[Bottesini]

I would think that like me you often focus on details that are different from what the average socially adept person focuses on.

 

[caz12]

i dont see anything wrong with the question but may been prudent to ask if he or anyone else been injured..then tactfully put that into conversation

 

[whatdidyousay!]

Was this person someone you knew or only met on facebook? It sound like you met them on facebook and that they really do not know as a person .
If so I would not lose sleep over it.

 

[dereksbicycles]

Was this person someone you knew or only met on facebook? It sound like you met them on facebook and that they really do not know as a person .
If so I would not lose sleep over it.

This was a person that I met in person in the past. I met her in person twice.

 

[sheri363]

I would think that like me you often focus on details that are different from what the average socially adept person focuses on.

This ^^^^

I do this quite often and I find myself backpedalling so much! Maddening and disheartening for sure! I never mean to sound crass or anything. It just comes out that way to many people who are socially adept.

The OP goofed. Just move on and learn. That's all we can do. Yeah it's unfortunate but most of us who are not late deafened do not pick up all the social niceties in which the hearies learn unconsciously.

 

[sonocativo]

I speak my mind as well, even my wife says I don't ask if they are ok first, I just laugh and ask questions. Send her a message and ask if the guy was hot? lol

 

[A Nihilist]

If you posted that question on my facebook I wouldn't be offended and think that you do have a genuine question. I mean there are consequences, you can't just set fire to an entire building and expect your boss to just laugh it off.

Some people just have mental problems and even if you are in the right they just are messed up and have a skewed perception of reality. It's nothing to worry about.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

This was a person that I met in person in the past. I met her in person twice.

I didn't think she knew you very well to drop you as friend like that. I would had thought nothing about if you asked me. I would have thought no one got hurt as the person said nothing about it. If someone was burnt in the fire I would think that would had been posted too. I would done that. I would not call that person a real friend.

 

[ohmylight]

This ^^^^

I do this quite often and I find myself backpedalling so much! Maddening and disheartening for sure! I never mean to sound crass or anything. It just comes out that way to many people who are socially adept.

The OP goofed. Just move on and learn. That's all we can do. Yeah it's unfortunate but most of us who are not late deafened do not pick up all the social niceties in which the hearies learn unconsciously.

I think your response is interesting. I'm late deafened and many of my closest friends are hearing. Another close friend is deaf since birth and her personality is blunt, like many Deaf can be. I really like this friend, but some of my hearing friends don't like her because she's too forward and pushy. They've never attributed it to her Deafness, and I've tried to stick up for her by briefly telling them it's a cultural norm, and she means well.

I don't think I'd think badly of you if you posted that on my FB wall, Derek. But like others who posted my first response would usually be "is everyone safe?" I'd be curious also but maybe not post it so early on about what the punishment was for an ACCIDENT. Your "friend" though was definitely too sensitive.

 

[whatdidyousay!]

I think your response is interesting. I'm late deafened and many of my closest friends are hearing. Another close friend is deaf since birth and her personality is blunt, like many Deaf can be. I really like this friend, but some of my hearing friends don't like her because she's too forward and pushy. They've never attributed it to her Deafness, and I've tried to stick up for her by briefly telling them it's a cultural norm, and she means well.

I don't think I'd think badly of you if you posted that on my FB wall, Derek. But like others who posted my first response would usually be "is everyone safe?" I'd be curious also but maybe not post it so early on about what the punishment was for an ACCIDENT. Your "friend" though was definitely too sensitive.

I have friend that is very blunt and she is not hoh or deaf. I think this has nothing to do with being deaf or hoh.

 

[A Nihilist]

I have friend that is very blunt and she is not hoh or deaf. I think this has nothing to do with being deaf or hoh.

One thing I do notice about born deaf that ONLY know ASL (do not know how to speak/lipread) tend to have a real direct and kind of broken form of english because it's just how the ASL is. For example, instead of saying, "Would you like some ice cream?" ASL is pronounced as "You want ice cream?"

It might come across to you as blunt but due to how the ASL is time-consuming compared to speaking deaf people have adapted to a form of english that doesn't use a lot of pronouns and words like "a, the, an, be, etc...."

I have a hearing aunt who's really bossy and intrusive so its definitely not something to do with hearing. I also knew of a deaf girl and she was really sensitive and you would NOT think of her as blunt at all. As a matter of fact I had a hard time just getting her to "open her shell!"

 

[sheri363]

I don't think it really has anything to do with personality per se. I think it's more to do with forthrightness, not bluntness. I had been accused of being too forthright a few times. I still haven't mastered the art of bandying about before getting to the point. Many if not most deaf/hoh people have problems of appearing too forthright and rubbing hearing people the wrong way.

 

[Phoenix23]

Hey, that's a general question... I mean, you knew it was an accident... and negligence is something that people get in trouble for and sue for every single day. I think it's a legitimate question, and this "friend" over reacted and was super unnecessarily rude.

 

[sheri363]

Hey, that's a general question... I mean, you knew it was an accident... and negligence is something that people get in trouble for and sue for every single day. I think it's a legitimate question, and this "friend" over reacted and was super unnecessarily rude.

So true! But... that's a huge but... in today's social niceties, we should be inquiring about the worker's health first and then asking if he's facing any repercussions. We can't bypass the compassionate angle. We gotta cover that first. He could've said 'Omg I hope the welder is ok! Geez he's probably going to face some sort of repercussions from his boss! Do you know what happened to him?' Something along that extent.

Anyway as I said, I had to learn to preface my comments with compassionate remarks before heading to what I wanted to say in the first place. I was ruffling too many feathers lol! It doesn't mean that i do this all the time because I forget sometimes!

 

[Jiro]

Yesterday on Facebook, my friend wrote that she took the bus. When she got off the bus, there was a big fire at a building nearby. Apparently, one of the construction worker had an accident with a welding equipment causing fire. Key word is accident.

I wrote on her post asking if the worker would face disciplinary action or maybe even be terminated.

My friend was furious. She thought that I was trying to be funny. I don't see how I was being funny. I am sure a lot of people would have a similar question like I do. Maybe it was a stupid question, but it was not funny or anything like that. She called me idiot and decided she didn't want to be my friend.

Some people over react. If I posted this note on your Facebook post, what would you think?

no idea but my brother just recently lost his college friend. he went to wake today because his friend hung herself due to severe depression. sad.

 

[Phoenix23]

So true! But... that's a huge but... in today's social niceties, we should be inquiring about the worker's health first and then asking if he's facing any repercussions. We can't bypass the compassionate angle. We gotta cover that first. He could've said 'Omg I hope the welder is ok! Geez he's probably going to face some sort of repercussions from his boss! Do you know what happened to him?' Something along that extent.

Anyway as I said, I had to learn to preface my comments with compassionate remarks before heading to what I wanted to say in the first place. I was ruffling too many feathers lol! It doesn't mean that i do this all the time because I forget sometimes!

Personally I don't care who's feathers I ruffle. I'm not living my life to please others or be "sensitive" to their cry babyness. That's exactly what most people are, huge... cry babies. I refuse to live my life walking on glass to protect others feelings... people just need to realize they're too sensitive and get over themselves. I agree yes it probably would have got a less "harsh" reaction as you said if posed with the original is he okay first thing... Still, people are too sensitive and need to get over themselves.

 

[ohmylight]

One thing I do notice about born deaf that ONLY know ASL (do not know how to speak/lipread) tend to have a real direct and kind of broken form of english because it's just how the ASL is. For example, instead of saying, "Would you like some ice cream?" ASL is pronounced as "You want ice cream?"

It might come across to you as blunt but due to how the ASL is time-consuming compared to speaking deaf people have adapted to a form of english that doesn't use a lot of pronouns and words like "a, the, an, be, etc...."

I have a hearing aunt who's really bossy and intrusive so its definitely not something to do with hearing. I also knew of a deaf girl and she was really sensitive and you would NOT think of her as blunt at all. As a matter of fact I had a hard time just getting her to "open her shell!"

Good point. I'm still very much "hearing minded" I'm how I process grammar. When I translate ASL in my mind I fill in the "a, the, an" in my head. I never thought of my deaf friend in referred to above as bossy, so this was a group of hearing girls who came to this conclusion... I think it's a good example of now the cultures can clash unintentionally.

 

[tuatara]

Yesterday on Facebook, my friend wrote that she took the bus. When she got off the bus, there was a big fire at a building nearby. Apparently, one of the construction worker had an accident with a welding equipment causing fire. Key word is accident.

I wrote on her post asking if the worker would face disciplinary action or maybe even be terminated.

My friend was furious. She thought that I was trying to be funny. I don't see how I was being funny. I am sure a lot of people would have a similar question like I do. Maybe it was a stupid question, but it was not funny or anything like that. She called me idiot and decided she didn't want to be my friend.

Some people over react. If I posted this note on your Facebook post, what would you think?

I think it was a good question, nothing wrong with it. I also think that whether anyone was hurt is a good question. I understand that some people feel that you should ask that one first, but I don't think that ideas about what you should ask first are a good basis for ending a friendship.

So maybe she and I would just disagree, maybe she wanted you to ask if anyone was hurt, maybe she felt that was the right way to respond.

But I've been mulling over, if I were her, is there any reason I would get really upset with someone based on how they reacted to my story.

And the only thing I can come up with is if she was really shaken up after seeing this happen, maybe even somewhat traumatized by it, and just needed emotional support from her friends. Like "are you ok?" "oh wow that's awful!" and maybe "I hope no one was seriously hurt. Do you know?" might fit in there too. Sort of like the electronic version of a comforting hug. So if that's where she was at, the legal-ish questions could be upsetting. But I don't know, because I don't know her.

That can cause alot of trouble: attempting to interact with someone on an intellectual level when they need you to interact with them on an emotional level. I usually try to check first if I don't feel sure, see how the person is doing before going forward, at least with people I'm close to.

 

[Reba]

no idea but my brother just recently lost his college friend. he went to wake today because his friend hung herself due to severe depression. sad.

That truly is a real loss of a friend. I'm very sorry for your brother. It must have been a terrible shock for him.