HOH/Deaf and Social Anxiety

[Smithtr]

I understand, I have social anxiety that is why, I tell you because I have really reason social anxiety easy worry and afriad. I have anxiety.

 

[nobody456]

I'm going through the same thing you are. I have always been HOH but my hearing has declined so far that I barely get any help from hearing aids anymore. I do the same thing as you, declining invites, but only because I get too bored when the group starts talking too fast for me.

My advise to you would be to sit down with the people closest to you and flat out say " I can't do this anymore". The people who really care will do anything to make sure you feel ok when you are with them. And you will know who your true friends and family are.

The other part I can tell you is that you may have to change your life around. Once I finally sat my friends down I realized that I only have 1 real friend. That has been the hardest part for me. My way of coping with this is trying out new hobbies that don't require much talking. I also lost my job do to my hearing so I am going to return to school (hopefully NTID). I am also going to learn ASL and once I do I plan to stop wearing my hearing aid (except when listening to my ipod). Ya I am done with "hearing" people who treat me like I am stupid cause I have trouble understanding what is said.[/QUOTE

I agree, I too found my way to AllDeaf because "hearing" people treated me like I was stupid and humiliated me in front of everyone. I know many at AD have similiar experiences. It made me come to realise though that I could longer fool myself that I could survive in the 'hearing' world by trying to fool everyone that I could hear them ok, just because I can lipread well and with much effort speak well enough. I am learning sign also and prefer it much more to speech.

If I could ditch my hearing aid for conversation...

As much as I depend on my hearing aid, it doesn't "cure" unique problems for me. I've been fortunate that my family sort of adapted to what I have. A lot of people who visit our family think we're really loud or yelling. We tell them it's for me and that it's ok to be loud, just don't speak out of turn because it's really disrespectful.

Case in point: The other day I was in a meeting, and I was trying to speak my part and starting talking at a comfortable level for everyone to hear. Then two of my co-workers started to talk - 7 people, small table- so what I did was gradually lower my voice so that their conversation was more dominant and then asked them "what's cracking?" Total deer in the highlights look. Manager asked me how I did it. Overlapping volumes that increase doesn't really work at certain points so if you're given the right of way to speak, then gradually lower your voice and make it clear that you should be speaking. 2nd was that I used completely different language to throw them off. They had to "search" for their vocabulary to make meaning of what I was saying. "Excuse me, excuse me" isn't as jolting as "what's cracking?")

Of course that's the only place I feel comfortable enough to speak to multiple people; no background noise. Everything else is just one-on-one. Yes, sometimes I do have to "force" myself to get to "Normal" social events.

 

[nobody456]

I have no good advice. We have ceased going to picnics and get-togethers where we know we will encounter the "Stop signing!, it is rude!" people. We have chosen to remove ourselves from the stress.
We do go to small gatherings where we know the friends and family are inclusive and supportive. We like silent dinners and , just recently, went to an ASL Meetup. What fun

yeah, my parents thought that non-English people not using English was rude. I've been around different languages in different settings, and still surprised people get "upset" over it. I see why they do, but if the person really think it's rude, just try ask whatever it is they're fearing...not that hard. My ex used to do it all the time with her gfs and sometimes I'd just ask and then I'd just try to listen and make out the language and take guesses at it lol. But sometimes, it really is a good idea to use a different language.

 

[nobody456]

No, it doesn't make you selfish. It is purely a coping mechanism. I am severely deaf myself, born that way. But every human being has their 'escape', so you are not selfish. Perfectly normal in fact. I find it such a relief. AllDeaf helps a lot too because you have heaps of people here who understand you: your frustrations, your efforts, your hopes, your dreams, and disappointments. You have a strong support system here.

That's what I found here and it's been a huge relief for me in a way:P. There may not be anyone out there exactly like me, especially with whatever aside from my hearing, but I realize more and more that I am who I am and that I understand who I am more now because of AD and its members. My past was a bit confusing (or rather, that I think/hold values much differently than a lot of hearing people and I don't really "share" my "deaf" experiences) in many ways. Also, I really had nobody to confide in with because it's sort of lost on a lot of hearing people.

My escape during my teens was to play video games or play basketball. I was much more comfortable in college but work in a place where the average age is like 45 and there's still a lot of rude comments made based on factors not controlled by the person itself (ethnicity, language, etc.).

 

[katz4life]

wtf...

I have no good advice. We have ceased going to picnics and get-togethers where we know we will encounter the "Stop signing!, it is rude!" people. We have chosen to remove ourselves from the stress.
We do go to small gatherings where we know the friends and family are inclusive and supportive. We like silent dinners and , just recently, went to an ASL Meetup. What fun

What, are you kiddin' me? Gosh, you didn't need to let yourself and your ASL friend being the losers by walking away, quitting, and removing from get-togethers and picinics...being passive is NO excuse no matter what they asshole hearies tell you to stop signing or make a rude comment to you. Just either talk back or ignore them. I can't believe you let them tell you what to do and what not to do. "Stop signing, it's rude!" Oh please, what the fuck is their problem. They must be neo-nazis, anyway. Just say FUCK OFF! We all are normal human beings. Be proud of yourself, don't run away from them and their lowlife ignorant demanding comments! It's not so hard to do! Geez.
By the way, in the whole of my life and everytime I am with deaf/ASL friend, no one told me or us to stop signing. It's unheard/unseen anywhere in public to me yet.

DON'T be so passive!

 

[JennyB]

I either bow out and just enjoy the company of others, even if I am not involved in the conversation, or I make myself the center of attention, so even if others wanted to they couldn't talk!

 

[Speedy Hawk]

I always try to avoid going anywhere my family goes, I had good excuse, said that I am busy with uni work and got no time to go. Now that I have just finished uni so I can't use that excuse anymore. Shame.

When I do go to family thing, they always act like I am not there, when they DO noticed I am there they don't treat me like my age, they treat me like I am kid say around aged 10-13 years old. (I am 22). Most of time I don't understand them, so they seem to think it means I am dumb or something rather than I don't understand them. I always try to leave the room as quickly as possible to go other room watch TV or most of time a book I took with me to read and sometimes play games on my mobile. I much rather be at home nice and comfortable watching TV or being on laptop or whatever I do than go to family.

 

[ASLGAL]

What, are you kiddin' me? Gosh, you didn't need to let yourself and your ASL friend being the losers by walking away, quitting, and removing from get-togethers and picinics...being passive is NO excuse no matter what they asshole hearies tell you to stop signing or make a rude comment to you. Just either talk back or ignore them. I can't believe you let them tell you what to do and what not to do. "Stop signing, it's rude!" Oh please, what the fuck is their problem. They must be neo-nazis, anyway. Just say FUCK OFF! We all are normal human beings. Be proud of yourself, don't run away from them and their lowlife ignorant demanding comments! It's not so hard to do! Geez.

I should have been more specific, sorry Douglas, this is family...parents, aunts, cousins and so on.
I did say something. People choose whether to be jerks or whether to change their attitudes. It is their loss.

We have chosen to not go around those family members and the get-togethers. We are much happier with family members who make the effort to learn some ASL or alter music and background levels to help, they are very few unfortunately. We also go to D/deaf events, meetups, get-togethers where we are much happier.

 

[squirrleygirley]

p.s. BTW, there is nothing wrong with returning to the safety net of your own little 'island'. Be grateful you have that. Here is a story I wrote on my blog as an example:

" The Broom Closet

Isn’t it a wonder, despite the known fact that human beings are primarily social creatures who would go insane if kept in solitary confinement for too long, still go to great lengths to find a solitary place to ‘get away from the world’?

Life, for the most part, is chaotic at best, regardless of the countless times we attempt to keep our world in check. Amidst the tumult of dis-array from this fallen, degenerate world we live in, we have ingrained in us by our Creator, an unquenchable desire to maintain orderliness.

Nevertheless, many of us are in denial stating that we like the mess we live under; others give up and ‘turn a blind eye’ or ‘shut the door on it’. Others say they find order ‘boring’ and that mess ‘gives them something to do’, or even defines who they are!

We can define clutter in two basic ways:

1. JUNK
2. CHARACTER

We can define mess as:

1. JUST PLAIN MESS!!

so if mess defines you, then there is something seriously wrong because....

However, whatever category we may place it, getting back to point in hand, it is still categorizing. In other words, we can’t help ourselves but to compartmentalize, categorize and conceptualize.

Therefore, we all have an insatiable need to find that ‘private space’ away from all the mayhem. Take our bedrooms for example. Many claim that as their safe haven. Signs of Skull and Crossbone ‘Keep Out’ blaring on some teenage room doors, or more demurely “……’s Room”, or perhaps, God forbid in my opinion, parent’s retreats at the other end of the house.

Let’s consider also the bathroom…..it is supposed to be a private place. Some have posters or timetables up on back of the toilet door; others, a stack of magazines or comic books or even a novel. (Just how much time can one spend on the toilet!) But then mothers, on the other hand are considered a different breed when it comes to bathrooms, a foreign species that cannot be thought of as human because the moment you walk in the door and lock it behind you, there is a little voice bellowing past the wooden barrier – “Mummy” “Mum” “Mummy”!!! More often than not, the conversation has no relation whatsoever to the use of the bathroom. It is like some sort of conspiracy where kids wait until you get yourself a moment’s respite then they rob you of it. Argggh.

In highly populated societies, personal space is virtually non-existent though the need deep down is still there. This is where innovation at its best comes in, in surprisingly simple means, such as a hand-towel or blanket thrown over the head shutting out the world around you even with it merely an inch from you in reality. The younger generation opts for an IPOD, video game or GameBoy. Others a good book, a good DVD, computers, Facebook; or even their mobile phones! Others snuggle up in bed, and yet for some it is writing a blog. In movies, of all places, it is the broom closet!

Whatever it takes to transport us to a world beyond reality, a world of our own, where we can tune out from the stresses of life, somewhere we can't be found by anyone - like a toddler who hides his face with his hands and thinks no one else can see him – our very own, bona fide, custom-made, just for us Broom Closet" - BECLAK 2010.

I am new to this place and also am a new student to ASL. I am also HOH, for instance if someone is talking to me but not facing me I hear or understand nothing and a good portion of being spoken to sounds muffled.
All that aside, I thought I was the only one that felt this way. I am a little older since my oldest daughter is 28 and getting married 8/28/10. My youngest daughter is 25 and my son is 26.
When my kids were young I longed for the day when they would be all grown up and I would have my private time outside of going to bed and being so tired to have any time for myself. Now that they are all grown up I miss them terribly. My younger kids still live with me but they have lives of their own outside of me. So I suppose life does get better but it also comes with a price.