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Moonluver123

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I'm dating a Coda, you know, Child of Deaf Adults, which means he is hearing but his parents are deaf. Im hearing too, but i do want to have a close relationship with his parents because I know fluent sign language. and I've met his parents (well just his mom and his moms girlfriend) and his mom has no hearing aids (currently anyway, used to have them, not anymore, may get some in the future) and uses only sign because she does not like to lip read. She uses little speech and signs VERY fast! lol I'm taking ASL II in school, and know a lot of sign language because i have a couple of deaf friends as well (but the only thing is, all my deaf friends have the coclear implants and can hear, and lip read and the whole bit, his mom signs only). When i met his mom, we just kinda greeted each other and then me and my boyfriend went on our way. This is a new relationship, and because my boyfriend is part of the deaf community, he is of course very loving and we are already very close. I guess what I'm asking is for some advice for when I go talk to his mom? I'm sure there is going to be a day where we will be alone with each other for some reason and will get a chance to have a real conversation. Any tips toward this would be awesome :) I already know my way around the deaf community some what, but this is kinda my first real deaf experiance, going and meeting a deaf person and having to sign to them, just like we are taught in school. Some do's and don'ts for my situation would be awesome! Thanks in advance! :ty:
 
No offense, but you are not "fluent" in ASL if you're only taking ASL II.

It almost seems like you're expecting his mother to meet you halfway here or something on lipreading or being oral. You cannot expect that. At all. It's an audist way of thinking, and it's not fair to her or any other Deaf person who uses ASL as their main form of communication.

What you can expect, however, is that she signs slowly, repeats herself when you miss something, and is understanding about your fledgling ASL skills. Just ask nicely (in sign language of course). If she's not willing to meet you halfway in her own language, then you've got bigger fish to fry.

You should take advantage of the fact that you have a CODA boyfriend. Start communicating with him in ASL as much as possible and really picking up the language.
 
I think you misunderstood what I was getting at. When I said I was "fluent" I meant I could hold a steady conversation. I wasn't saying I know everything, I have a lot more to learn and I know that.

I'm not at all "expecting his mother to meet me half way". I didn't really think lip reading was "meeting anyone half way" but alright. Lip reading is a way of understanding people who can't sign, and a way of better understanding sign language as well. It's not like it's such a hassle for them to learn, it makes their life easier, and all my deaf friends have the ability to read lips and do it all the time without issue. It's just kinda funny to me that someone like his mom would choose not to lip read for what ever reason (he never told me why, just told me that she chooses not to) I am a great signer, i sign well in class, and to my own deaf friends, but its like, with him mom, i already feel the need to impress her, and now i have to really impress her with my signing skills because, as I understood it, my boyfriend thought I knew A LOT more sign language then I really do. Which puts me on the spot because for one thing, she signs at what I call, "Deaf speed" ha ha. In school when the teacher signs, she signs at our pace naturally so its easy to read and understand. But it didnt really occur to me that Deaf people in the real world would sign faster. All of my deaf friends sign/speak at the same time because they all have CI so its slow and way easy to understand because they are speaking at the same time. My boyfriend however doesn't like signing too much just to me because everyone in his home is deaf and he has to sign all the time, and loves to actually get a chance to speak, and have a speaking conversation with someone. Next time I get a chance I'll ask if we can just speak in sign language for a while. I do find myself thinking about the words I use when I speak to him, and what the signs are for them, if I don't know a word, I ask him right away and he shows me. I have been practicing my fingerspelling and everything in my spare time, I've done my homework, and I just want to continue to learn as much as I can, I plan to become a Sign Language Interpreter one day. :)

Again, any other tips are welcome :)
 
Moonluver123 said:
I think you misunderstood what I was getting at. When I said I was "fluent" I meant I could hold a steady conversation. I wasn't saying I know everything, I have a lot more to learn and I know that.

I'm not at all "expecting his mother to meet me half way". I didn't really think lip reading was "meeting anyone half way" but alright. Lip reading is a way of understanding people who can't sign, and a way of better understanding sign language as well. It's not like it's such a hassle for them to learn, it makes their life easier, and all my deaf friends have the ability to read lips and do it all the time without issue. It's just kinda funny to me that someone like his mom would choose not to lip read for what ever reason (he never told me why, just told me that she chooses not to) I am a great signer, i sign well in class, and to my own deaf friends, but its like, with him mom, i already feel the need to impress her, and now i have to really impress her with my signing skills because, as I understood it, my boyfriend thought I knew A LOT more sign language then I really do. Which puts me on the spot because for one thing, she signs at what I call, "Deaf speed" ha ha. In school when the teacher signs, she signs at our pace naturally so its easy to read and understand. But it didnt really occur to me that Deaf people in the real world would sign faster. All of my deaf friends sign/speak at the same time because they all have CI so its slow and way easy to understand because they are speaking at the same time. My boyfriend however doesn't like signing too much just to me because everyone in his home is deaf and he has to sign all the time, and loves to actually get a chance to speak, and have a speaking conversation with someone. Next time I get a chance I'll ask if we can just speak in sign language for a while. I do find myself thinking about the words I use when I speak to him, and what the signs are for them, if I don't know a word, I ask him right away and he shows me. I have been practicing my fingerspelling and everything in my spare time, I've done my homework, and I just want to continue to learn as much as I can, I plan to become a Sign Language Interpreter one day. :)

Again, any other tips are welcome :)
Click to expand...

*Sigh* the part I highlighted in bold is a blatantly audist attitude.

I've written out a few responses and then deleted them. I'm hoping someone else will come in here and explain to you the information you want, because you're not going to get it from me with that condescending attitude. Good luck.

And for the record, I did not misunderstand you at all. My reading comprehension is quite advanced, thank you very much. Look up the definition of the word "fluent." You cannot describe yourself as fluent if you have trouble understanding a native signer.
 
I'm afraid, I'm inclined to agree with alex on this one. I think you've misunderstood the meaning of the word 'fluent' and I am also confused by the fact you say "I already know my way around the deaf community some what, but this is kinda my first real deaf experiance, going and meeting a deaf person and having to sign to them" Do these phrases not negate eachother? How can you know your way round the Deaf community if this is your first 'real Deaf experience'. Also, I'm sorry to get on at you but I really would be careful with the whole lip reading issue. Have you ever tried watching TV with absolutely no sound?! It's pretty damn hard! I can completely understand why a deafie would not want to lip read for, at best, 1 out of 4 words to then have to guess or assume the rest of the conversation. Also, it's not her 1st language. You seem to forget that spoken English and ASL (or BSL for me) are not the same language. I guess its comparable to spoken italian and spanish, each can sometimes be understood by the other, but it requires a great deal of concentration and is by no means the same language. In short, it is a hassle for them to learn.

Anyway, ranting aside, I think you need to be humble when you meet his mother again, don't make out that you are better than you are as she will see straight through you. Be yourself, ask her to repeat, slow down or reitterate if necessary and don't be afraid of the good old paper and pen!!

Good luck
 
Deary! Alrighty then, I had no intention of causing such a scramble, and I humbly apologize. All I wanted was advice. I had no intention of making myself seem hauty in anyway. If I made myself appear so I do apologize, I do admit I have much to learn, but goodness your replies are humbling. I apologize for my comments towards lip reading, I admit I know very little about it, I only know what had been explained to me from my deaf friends and my ASL teachers. I have great respect for anyone that can read lips, I know its hard, and as an assignment for class we did in fact have to watch TV without sound, and I completely understand how difficult it is. And lianne, you're completely right, I guess I wasn't thinking when I wrote that, and your right, I contradicted myself completely. I apologize, I meant that it's my first time really going to meet a brand new deaf person that only signs, all the deaf people I have ever been friends with have CI so I never had to sign. Which is why I was nervous and asking for advice in the first place. Also, I don't believe myself to be such an "audist," as described, but if I am, so be it. I'm just a hearing student trying to understand the deaf world. I have deaf people in my life and want to better get along with them. I believe I miscommunicated how I was really thinking of it, big mistake I see. Again I do apologize.

Anyway, I have gone and met my boyfriends mother several times now, and she does like me a lot and enjoys my company, I focused hard and managed to understand her even with just the short conversation we had. I think I did well and I'm not so nervous about it anymore. It's going much better, I just need more experience. I need more understanding, I'm still learning, I'll catch up I'm sure! I hope no one thinks little of me, I'm only human, I make mistakes like everyone else. I just want to learn.
 
advice is.... keep learning more. practicing more..... in ASL without relying on lip-reading. :)

Less Talk, More Action :cool2:
 
my simple answer will be... Just be yourself, when you do that you will survive just fine. If you are having nerve wrecking sensations then things will not go smooth as expected. You know the rest. Just be yourself. You will achieve.
 
I'm hearing, so I won't presume to advise you on how best to relate to your boyfriend's mom and your ASL signing. There are plenty of deaf ADers here who will do that. :)

As an older mom though, I can suggest that if you are truly close and in synch with your boyfriend you should be able to ask him how you can develope your relationship with his mom. Also, keep in mind that your primary relationship with her is "boyfriend's mom" not "real live Deaf person." You want to get to know her as a person, not a sign language model.

If you maintain a humble attitude, willingness to learn, and sense of humor you will be OK. :)
 
Reba said:
I'm hearing, so I won't presume to advise you on how best to relate to your boyfriend's mom and your ASL signing. There are plenty of deaf ADers here who will do that. :)

As an older mom though, I can suggest that if you are truly close and in synch with your boyfriend you should be able to ask him how you can develope your relationship with his mom. Also, keep in mind that your primary relationship with her is "boyfriend's mom" not "real live Deaf person." You want to get to know her as a person, not a sign language model.

If you maintain a humble attitude, willingness to learn, and sense of humor you will be OK. :)
Click to expand...

Great advice right there!
 
Reba said:
I'm hearing, so I won't presume to advise you on how best to relate to your boyfriend's mom and your ASL signing. There are plenty of deaf ADers here who will do that. :)

As an older mom though, I can suggest that if you are truly close and in synch with your boyfriend you should be able to ask him how you can develope your relationship with his mom. Also, keep in mind that your primary relationship with her is "boyfriend's mom" not "real live Deaf person." You want to get to know her as a person, not a sign language model.

If you maintain a humble attitude, willingness to learn, and sense of humor you will be OK. :)
Click to expand...

:) THat is good advice Reba, although I kind of enjoyed the "real live deaf person" description.

PFH=PIA :laugh2:

2w553pd.gif
 
Alex, you are a model of restraint. Everyone gave great advice. Good going, gang.
 
Moonluver123 said:
Deary! Alrighty then, I had no intention of causing such a scramble, and I humbly apologize. All I wanted was advice. I had no intention of making myself seem hauty in anyway. If I made myself appear so I do apologize, I do admit I have much to learn, but goodness your replies are humbling. I apologize for my comments towards lip reading, I admit I know very little about it, I only know what had been explained to me from my deaf friends and my ASL teachers. I have great respect for anyone that can read lips, I know its hard, and as an assignment for class we did in fact have to watch TV without sound, and I completely understand how difficult it is. And lianne, you're completely right, I guess I wasn't thinking when I wrote that, and your right, I contradicted myself completely. I apologize, I meant that it's my first time really going to meet a brand new deaf person that only signs, all the deaf people I have ever been friends with have CI so I never had to sign. Which is why I was nervous and asking for advice in the first place. Also, I don't believe myself to be such an "audist," as described, but if I am, so be it. I'm just a hearing student trying to understand the deaf world. I have deaf people in my life and want to better get along with them. I believe I miscommunicated how I was really thinking of it, big mistake I see. Again I do apologize.

Anyway, I have gone and met my boyfriends mother several times now, and she does like me a lot and enjoys my company, I focused hard and managed to understand her even with just the short conversation we had. I think I did well and I'm not so nervous about it anymore. It's going much better, I just need more experience. I need more understanding, I'm still learning, I'll catch up I'm sure! I hope no one thinks little of me, I'm only human, I make mistakes like everyone else. I just want to learn.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your clarification and your apology, that was very good of you and I respect you very much for doing it. I'm glad you and your bf's mum are getting on okay! I too like the "real live Deaf person" description though :P
 
Botts, can you please :ty: translate the picture at the bottom of your post for a me? I dont know the ASL alphabet and it's too quick for me to look it up :( two handed alphabet all the way!:rockon:
 
lianne said:
Botts, can you please :ty: translate the picture at the bottom of your post for a me? I dont know the ASL alphabet and it's too quick for me to look it up :( two handed alphabet all the way!:rockon:
Click to expand...

You will probably be sorry you asked. It was for PFH and says "na na boo boo." :P
 
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