Handle Public is Easy, How to Handle Family is Hard

[ASLGAL]

Ok, I need some advice.

When my DH(HoH and losing more each year) are out in public it is easy to handle strangers looks and comments, but My problem is family.
How to handle their negativity?.... here is what happened recently.

We were at a family picnic. Whenever we get in places with a lot of background (vehicles, many voices, wind, etc etc) my DH does not hear so we sign. We started to sign and two family members loudly said stop it, stop being rude like talking in a foreign language. My DH did not hear it but I did and so did everyone else in the area. I ignored them and continued but was totally self-conscious the rest of the time we were there.

This event is not the first time something like this has happened. There have been other times where these two or one of them will start flailing their arms around in our signing space or make comments like - He isn't really deaf yet - You are rude to sign because I don't know what you are saying - and so on.

I don't get it because we have other family members - Deaf, CI's, and hearing aids and they don't make fun of them or put them down (at least not that I have seen)

More and more we are not going to family events and sticking with Deaf events, but you can't just turn your back on your family.

 

[horselover61]

Oh I know what you mean. I have been there and done that. I have a deaf cousin and when we were young, we used to sign and our families would say talk dont sign. I get burned up and give them faces. One day during my college summer vacation, I explained to my hearing cousin who have a deaf sister *my deaf cousin* and told her that we cant understand the verbal conversation and the hearing does and the hearing cant understand the sign so the deaf can understand. But there is nothing wrong to learn sign just like you learn to speak spanish, german or any other forgien langauge. So now my families accept and let us sign. Without hassle and of course we would explain what we were talking about only if they are interesting to know but most of the time they dont. See when the hearing familes are having verbal conversation and noticed that we the deaf ppl were not paying attention to them but to us only.

 

[Reba]

I would tell the hearies that they are being rude for flapping their yaps without signing.

 

[farmerjoe]

I'm in the same situation, I'm hoh with progressive loss, (my significant other is hearing) and each of my parents (on separate occasions) have told me it's rude when we sign.

A couple of years ago we were at a big family function and while everyone was eating I tried to have conversations with people near me but I couldn't see faces clearly (it was crowded) and it was noisy. So my girlfriend and i were signing. Some time later my dad took me aside and told me that it's really rude to use sign language when I'm around the rest of the family. (This had never been a problem before because I never had a girlfriend that signed).
My mom has claimed she'd like to learn sign language some time, I'm sure it's on her list of things to learn like how to program the VCR or check her e-mail.

I'm the only one in my entire extended family that's hoh or deaf or knows sign. So I'm a bit of an oddity I guess, maybe they're ashamed of me?

"you can't turn your back on family"
that's somewhat how I feel, but... if my parents refuse to accept that I'm adapting to my hearing loss and would rather i sit in the corner by myself than communicate with anyone then I have no desire to be near them.

I haven't really told them off yet, how to you tell your mom to go suck an egg because she's being ignorant about deafness? I still put up with crap like that without saying much.

 

[shel90]

My family doesnt know sign..just my brother, my husband, my daughter and I. Before I got married, it was just my brother and I but I was oral and didnt know signs. Now, we got all these people who can sign, including myself, so it is a new thing for my family not to understand what my brother and I are talking about but so far they havent said anything. I think they know and understand that growing up, we were always left out in family gatherings. Now, my husband is in the picture and my family would ask him what we are talking about since he is hearing and he would end up interpreting. I told my husband not to do that cuz they need to learn sign language if they really want to know what my brother and I are talking about. I dont want my husband to be burdened as the "terp" just because he is hearing and can sign.

My best friend (yes she is deaf) and I grew up oral so we always use spoken English growing up but in the last 10 years, we both learned ASL so we use it now to communicate with each other. We tried to go back to using spoken English with each other like we did but it just feels tooo weird. Anyways, we went to her parents' for dinner and started signing away cuz she has a deaf brother who signs too and her mom told us to stop signing and to use our voices cuz that was rude. I was shocked..I wanted to tell her off but she wasnt my mother and it was so hard to go back to using our voices with each other cuz we kept misunderstanding each other so without realizing we started signing again and her mother got so pissed off and started covering her mouth while talking to other hearing family members. Wow...my friend told her mom that we were left out and couldnt understand what everyone else was saying but her mom wouldnt listen. I remember being so dumbfounded cuz I never thought some hearing people would see it that way.


Tell the family members that your DH cant understand what they are saying and that's life. Keep on signing..it is your right if spoken language is too hard to understand at the time. Who needs to struggle with conversations?

 

[ASLGAL]

Thanks for responding Horselover61, Reba, FarmerJoe, and Shel, still being very new here at AD it just seems most families are well adjusted when reading threads.

It is sad but nice to hear that you have had these situations too.

When the tinnitus is really bothering him my DH can't really understand in a quieter setting, but add in all the sounds that hearing people just tune out to and he is deaf. If you cannot hear and participate in an oral conversation then you are esentially deaf. I do not know why certain family members do not get that.
I have not seen that same discrimination in the deaf community. When we are at deaf functions no one says - Oh, well you are only HoH so you arent truely deaf yet. I think that is why DH is attending more and more deaf events and me too - less judgment on people.

how to you tell your mom to go suck an egg because she's being ignorant about deafness?

exactly the dillema!
If family members would not make fun of anyone else who is not "quote" normal then why do they feel they have a right to make fun of deaf?

Anyway, thanks again for the input. I appreciate it.

 

[Reba]

...If family members would not make fun of anyone else who is not "quote" normal then why do they feel they have a right to make fun of deaf?

Because they can get away with it without repercussions. Sad but true.

 

[ASLGAL]

Hello,
Unfortunately another incident but I spoke up this time.

Because they can get away with it without repercussions

Not this time Reba, you may be embarrassed by me or you may think I did well... read on

Last night we were at another family event at a local restaurant. My DH was across and down the table a bit, one of the family members I had been talking about was beside me. The din was horrible. We all had to say What? and lean toward someone when they were talking. My DH started to sign to me that he couldn't hear anything and asked what the conversation was. At that time the family member started flipping and flailing their hands in front of them and looking at DH. Well, I had had enough, I stated "Do you and (other family member, not there) sit in your pew at church and make fun of people too?" - She got all defensive and said "No!" . So I asked - "Then why do you think it's ok to make fun of deaf?"
Well the tension was heavy and the dinner ended not too long after.
Later I spoke w/ this person on the phone. At first she was taking an attitude - "Do not get in my face and accuse me of making fun of people!" - So I exploded a bit and recounted the picnic - she did not realize I heard them, and all the other times that she has flailed her hands around.
I also told her not to expect us at any more family events because we sure do not need the people who are supposed to love us treating us this way.
Anyway - sheesh I tell long stories. I got an apology(told her she was apologizing to the wrong person) and an explaination that she never meant to come across as making fun but feels bad because she don't know sign and don't know what we are saying.

And life goes on.....


I am wondering if I shouldn't ask the forum admin to move this to Our World Our Culture or something.
I don't know why I put it here.

 

[Reba]

Hello,
Unfortunately another incident but I spoke up this time.

Not this time Reba, you may be embarrassed by me or you may think I did well... read on

Hey, you know what works best for the people in your life.

Last night we were at another family event at a local restaurant. My DH was across and down the table a bit, one of the family members I had been talking about was beside me. The din was horrible. We all had to say What? and lean toward someone when they were talking. My DH started to sign to me that he couldn't hear anything and asked what the conversation was. At that time the family member started flipping and flailing their hands in front of them and looking at DH. Well, I had had enough, I stated "Do you and (other family member, not there) sit in your pew at church and make fun of people too?" - She got all defensive and said "No!" . So I asked - "Then why do you think it's ok to make fun of deaf?"
Well the tension was heavy and the dinner ended not too long after.
Later I spoke w/ this person on the phone. At first she was taking an attitude - "Do not get in my face and accuse me of making fun of people!" - So I exploded a bit and recounted the picnic - she did not realize I heard them, and all the other times that she has flailed her hands around.
I also told her not to expect us at any more family events because we sure do not need the people who are supposed to love us treating us this way.
Anyway - sheesh I tell long stories.

Not too long, don't mind. Very interesting, actually.

I got an apology(told her she was apologizing to the wrong person) and an explaination that she never meant to come across as making fun but feels bad because she don't know sign and don't know what we are saying.

A little of what I suspected. Using "humor" (so-called) to cover feelings of inadequacy and guilt. She doesn't intend to hurt your DH but she can't confront her own true feelings.

I am wondering if I shouldn't ask the forum admin to move this to Our World Our Culture or something....

Good idea.

 

[Dixie]

I am in same shoes as most everyone else in this thread - born completely deaf in my left ear and HoH in my right ear and losing every year.

For the longest time my family seemed ashamed of my lack of hearing, and tried to downplay it and in turn it made me feel ashamed of myself which created further problems such as anorexia/bulimia low self esteem and other stuffs.

In recent years Ive sort of blossomed out and realized I dont have to be ashamed of who I am because I cannot change it. Since then most people I have met have been cool about it. Some people are like oh we'll be praying for you, and others like you're just different. I remember once that I sat and sulked and my dad asked what was wrong and I said - I have no friends and those that are nice to me only want something out of me and I feel lonely. So he said most people dont like to be around you because your different. I tried for years to change who I was but in the end I couldnt.

Being deaf is just a part of who I am and not a whole lot I can do about it. Someday I'll be blind too, but not alot I can do about it so I just roll with it.
Some people say oh thats too bad - Im like, nah the lack of hearing itself isnt so bad - its the lack of human contact is the hard part.

 

[signer16]

My family doesnt know sign..just my brother, my husband, my daughter and I...I think they know and understand that growing up, we were always left out in family gatherings. Now, my husband is in the picture and my family would ask him what we are talking about since he is hearing and he would end up interpreting. I told my husband not to do that cuz they need to learn sign language if they really want to know what my brother and I are talking about. I dont want my husband to be burdened as the "terp" just because he is hearing and can sign.

I'm gonna play a little bit of devil's advocate here, as well as just as you some questions. First I will say that I think you totally have a right to sign, and sign and not speak but...
You don't want your husband interpreting for your hearing family because you want them to learn sign language, understood. BUT, do you ever ask your husband to, or appreciate it when your husband does, interpret for you (and maybe your brother) at family gatherings? Would you ever tell him not to in a big group situation? Is he really never the terp because he is hearing and can sign?
I don't look at it as a burden, but hearing people who can sign, when in a mixed group of hearing (who don't sign) and deaf people, often become the terps, Especially terping for the deaf people. I think this is simply because of a desire to give communication access- especially to deaf people who are often left out.
To say that the hearing person shouldn't be burdened as the terp in the type of situation is a nice idea in theory, but does it really happen in practice? Specifically when deaf people are the ones missing what is being said? And why is it okay for hearing people to terp to the deafies what the hearies say, but not to the hearies what the deafies say? (I have an answer to that, but want ya to think about it first)

Anyways, we went to her parents' for dinner and started signing away cuz she has a deaf brother who signs too and her mom told us to stop signing and to use our voices cuz that was rude. I was shocked..I wanted to tell her off but she wasnt my mother and it was so hard to go back to using our voices with each other cuz we kept misunderstanding each other so without realizing we started signing again and her mother got so pissed off and started covering her mouth while talking to other hearing family members. Wow...my friend told her mom that we were left out and couldnt understand what everyone else was saying but her mom wouldnt listen. I remember being so dumbfounded cuz I never thought some hearing people would see it that way.

Jumping out of devil's advocate mode, the situation you described above TOTALLY disgusts me...that a mother would do that to her own children, and her daugher's best friend...THAT is what just, wow
I can totally see why using sign would be more comfortable, you and the people you are with are deaf, and duh if you are missing stuff with speech, you will want to sign instead. You could in that case Sim-Com, to give access to the deaf people what you are saying, as well as the hearing people. It would give everyone more of a chance to be involved in the conversation, but I don't think it should be required by any means. Her mom choosing to cover her mouth, THAT Is just wrong.

First of all, being that juvenile to leave someone out because you feel they are leaving you out is just...sad, so immature. Then, it's not like if she was speaking without covering her mouth that you all can just easily understand everything she says, you still have to lipread and work to understand what she and other people are saying. Thirdly, she is denying you ACCESS to the message. She, watching you sign, has full ACCESS to the message, she could, in theory, learn to understand everything you are saying. No, not overnight, but with time and effort, she could. T
The difference between hearing people using 2 separate spoken languages around each other and hearing/deaf people using a spoken language and a signed language is that Deaf people don't have full access to a spoken message. That's why, at least to me, it isn't equally rude when a person chooses to sign and not speak, versus speak and not sign. Choosing to speak and not sign, or cover your mouth, in front of deaf people is cuttng off all access, which is cutting off a person's RIGHT to communicate. Choosing to sign and not speak, or speak another spoken language (in front of all hearing people) in front of people who don't understand that spoken language is challenging their ability to communicate in a situation, but they are still provided access to the communication. Do I make sense? I have no idea, but curious to see what you all think.

 

[FadedRose]

Ok, I need some advice.

When my DH(HoH and losing more each year) are out in public it is easy to handle strangers looks and comments, but My problem is family.
How to handle their negativity?.... here is what happened recently.

We were at a family picnic. Whenever we get in places with a lot of background (vehicles, many voices, wind, etc etc) my DH does not hear so we sign. We started to sign and two family members loudly said stop it, stop being rude like talking in a foreign language. My DH did not hear it but I did and so did everyone else in the area. I ignored them and continued but was totally self-conscious the rest of the time we were there.

This event is not the first time something like this has happened. There have been other times where these two or one of them will start flailing their arms around in our signing space or make comments like - He isn't really deaf yet - You are rude to sign because I don't know what you are saying - and so on.

I don't get it because we have other family members - Deaf, CI's, and hearing aids and they don't make fun of them or put them down (at least not that I have seen)

More and more we are not going to family events and sticking with Deaf events, but you can't just turn your back on your family.

I understand what you are going through. As the only Deaf family member it can be a challenge to get them to understand. One day they will see, mark my words.

Jas.

 

[shel90]

I'm gonna play a little bit of devil's advocate here, as well as just as you some questions. First I will say that I think you totally have a right to sign, and sign and not speak but...
You don't want your husband interpreting for your hearing family because you want them to learn sign language, understood. BUT, do you ever ask your husband to, or appreciate it when your husband does, interpret for you (and maybe your brother) at family gatherings? Would you ever tell him not to in a big group situation? Is he really never the terp because he is hearing and can sign?
I don't look at it as a burden, but hearing people who can sign, when in a mixed group of hearing (who don't sign) and deaf people, often become the terps, Especially terping for the deaf people. I think this is simply because of a desire to give communication access- especially to deaf people who are often left out.
To say that the hearing person shouldn't be burdened as the terp in the type of situation is a nice idea in theory, but does it really happen in practice? Specifically when deaf people are the ones missing what is being said? And why is it okay for hearing people to terp to the deafies what the hearies say, but not to the hearies what the deafies say? (I have an answer to that, but want ya to think about it first)



Jumping out of devil's advocate mode, the situation you described above TOTALLY disgusts me...that a mother would do that to her own children, and her daugher's best friend...THAT is what just, wow
I can totally see why using sign would be more comfortable, you and the people you are with are deaf, and duh if you are missing stuff with speech, you will want to sign instead. You could in that case Sim-Com, to give access to the deaf people what you are saying, as well as the hearing people. It would give everyone more of a chance to be involved in the conversation, but I don't think it should be required by any means. Her mom choosing to cover her mouth, THAT Is just wrong.

First of all, being that juvenile to leave someone out because you feel they are leaving you out is just...sad, so immature. Then, it's not like if she was speaking without covering her mouth that you all can just easily understand everything she says, you still have to lipread and work to understand what she and other people are saying. Thirdly, she is denying you ACCESS to the message. She, watching you sign, has full ACCESS to the message, she could, in theory, learn to understand everything you are saying. No, not overnight, but with time and effort, she could. T
The difference between hearing people using 2 separate spoken languages around each other and hearing/deaf people using a spoken language and a signed language is that Deaf people don't have full access to a spoken message. That's why, at least to me, it isn't equally rude when a person chooses to sign and not speak, versus speak and not sign. Choosing to speak and not sign, or cover your mouth, in front of deaf people is cuttng off all access, which is cutting off a person's RIGHT to communicate. Choosing to sign and not speak, or speak another spoken language (in front of all hearing people) in front of people who don't understand that spoken language is challenging their ability to communicate in a situation, but they are still provided access to the communication. Do I make sense? I have no idea, but curious to see what you all think.

I told my husband that he doesnt have to cuz it is not his job and we never call him to interp for us. He just jumps in if he sees my brother and I not having any clue to what everyone is saying.

About Sim-Com...I have a hard time doing it cuz my thoughts get so jumbled up when trying to do two languages at once. My signing becomes very sloppy and hard to understand so I am not comfortable with using it in lengthy conversations.

As for my friend's mom..it really turned all of us off and we understand what she did was just plain mean.

 

[Dixie]

it still amazes me at how 'grown-ups' can still act like a five year old. It all goes back to that elementary saying - two wrongs do not make a right.

with her own daughter being deaf and signing I feel the mother should have made the effort to learn sign but she CHOSE not to and thus CHOSE to be cut off communication wise with her daughter. You and your best friend did not CHOOSE to be deaf and certaintly did not choose to grow up orally only to struggle with spoken language, but once you learned sign it became much more natural and less of a hassle to understand each other.

 

[Interpretrator]

We started to sign and two family members loudly said stop it, stop being rude like talking in a foreign language.

Whoaaaa! Okay, I can see where they might feel left out but what an obnoxious way to handle it!

I don't look at it as a burden, but hearing people who can sign, when in a mixed group of hearing (who don't sign) and deaf people, often become the terps

I think you made some really good points in your "devil's advocate" post but you should understand that while you don't look at it as a burden, many other people do. Like ASLGAL finds it too difficult to sim-com whereas it's very natural for some people. (There's a whole thread about this somewhere else on the site but my brain isn't working well at the moment.)

Given this family situation, though, seems like some communication facilitation may have to take place until people are more comfortable with the signing. They are probably insulted by being left out and making assumptions that they are being talked about, which is added on to the general "normal" public's ingrained fear of and discomfort with "disability." If it were me I'd go with a little diplomacy, but that's an interpreter's perspective. It sounds like your (ASLGAL's) head-on approach with that rude family member both did the job and taught you a little about what her issues were. Maybe they NEED some "tough love" like you can obviously dish out!

 

[Sheila]

More and more we are not going to family events and sticking with Deaf events, but you can't just turn your back on your family.

I'm going to sound heartless here, but NOT TRUE. I have problems with some of my family and that's just how it is. I didn't choose them and they didn't choose me. We were just unlucky enough to be completely opposite AND share the same family. We have not been completely cut off, but it is a possibility.

What your family is doing to you is what family should not do in the first place! If they don't treat you like family, don't feel bad to cut them off.

 

[jillio]

I would tell the hearies that they are being rude for flapping their yaps without signing.

Yeppers!

 

[Tousi]

I'm going to sound heartless here, but NOT TRUE. I have problems with some of my family and that's just how it is. I didn't choose them and they didn't choose me. We were just unlucky enough to be completely opposite AND share the same family. We have not been completely cut off, but it is a possibility.

What your family is doing to you is what family should not do in the first place! If they don't treat you like family, don't feel bad to cut them off.

Yeah, parents like that get away with this stuff in your formative years when you don't know any better and now all of a sudden..........well, ya know the rest. If your'e cutting them off now, it seems, to me at least, a natural consequence. Unless your'e the really, really forgiving type and think there might be light at the end of this tunnel.