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ASLMommax2

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OK so my daughters and their language are my top priority in any situation exspecially when it comes to family. So why isn't it the same for the family that my daughters absolutely adore?

My mother is an amazing individual with an amazing heart for me, me husband and our children - has always been our biggest supporter, but when it comes to my in-laws the story is that of absolute frustration.

Our oldest daughter is 15, and when the Free Family Signing classes were offered when she was a toddler they began the classes but walked out a month or so later. Now that our youngest is with a Hearing Loss as well ( which is getting worse with every passing moment) we again are in the Free Signing Classes offered by our state. BUT once again they are walking out. We began this journey with our youngest with my setting the facts straight for them, that if they were not here to learn the language and could no longer walk into my home w/o knowing and signing a simple greeting to my children they were not to walk through my door at all. They were all about the classes at the beginning after I set the rules, but now that we're a couple months in- once again their story and their attitude has changed. They are finding the excuses to not being involved in classes, whether it be a Dr.s appt ( our classes are held at 6:30 pm ) , their being tired after a long day at work, or just not feeling well.

Our last class consisted of my Father-In-Law getting up from the couch every 2 minutes to grab a beer or a smoke or to "pee", and finally after an hour I flipped telling him he knew where the damn door was.....to use it!
Which in turn turned me into a bad guy and the bitch! How is one womans quest for perfection for her children being a Bitch I have to wonder? And why is this sooo important to ME that they know this language and love this language and allow their grand daughters the relationship they should have with their grand parents a priority for me, BUT NOT FOR THEM!

I am honestly at my wits end, I am tired of fighting this fight when these 2 people obviously don't carry the highest regard for my children as I do!

Have you all experienced this and does it hurt you all as much as it hurts ME........these are their grandchildren......shouldn't this be a priority!
 
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Change is really hard for some people. And the attitudes that some people take makes it even harder. I'm sure the in-laws understand the benefits of learning ASL, but, I doubt they have internalized it. Good for you for setting rules. You might need to rethink some rules to help encourage future participation with your kids. Just because someone will not (or cannot) change, does not mean they never will change. It might be a good idea to keep the door open a crack. It might be that your FIL is having a hard time/feeling overwhelmed and cannot admit it.

Perhaps some games with the kids and the in-laws can break up the lessons so the in-laws can be encouraged to keep up with the class and not feel so overwhelmed.
 
ASLMommax2 said:
if they were not here to learn the language and could no longer walk into my home w/o knowing and signing a simple greeting to my children they were not to walk through my door at all.
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This is the part to enforce, make the effort or don't bother coming. Make sure they know what is at stake and then stick to it.
 
It's really hard for older people to learn a new language. They don't really have fluid memory.

It's amazing your own parents learned, but I guess it's one way to get rid of the in laws, which seems to be a lot of women's dream anyway.

It's pretty much built in that they won't be able to be involved with your kids.

Even a lot of late deafened adults that I have seen seem unable to learn and retain ASL, when it would be of a really direct benefit to them.

For me, I am pretty willing to write or use alternative communication to anyone in extended family who loves me. A hug and a big smile would be a pretty good indication to your kids that the grandparents love them.
 
I forgot to mention the fact that before we bought our single family, we owned a 3 family in which they rented the floor above so they basically lived with us for 8 years, and still never learned the language for our oldest!
 
I have two granddaughters aged two and four. The two year old is hoh, but neither of them are fluent in ASL yet.

I should have thought of this before. Obviously they just don't care enough about me!

Those kids can't be part of my life anymore. :mad2:

:barf:
 
WOW! completely different state of mind and priorities right there! that was uncalled for!
 
ASLMommax2 said:
WOW! completely different state of mind and priorities right there! that was uncalled for!
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So is your attitude toward your in laws.

It's disgusting if they have love for your children and want to be there.

If they didn't, they would not bother to come around them.

The kids should be able to interact or not if the grandparents come around.

If they can't benefit from interaction with the sign challenged grandparents, they will just ignore them, and your problem is solved anyway.

An ultimatum like yours just shows your spite.
 
ASLMommax2 said:
WOW! completely different state of mind and priorities right there! that was uncalled for!
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Also, do you understand that I am deaf? And that I would be doing to my family just what you are doing to half of your children's family?
 
Quest for perfection for your kids - you know, you can only control what YOU can do, not what other people do. As for your in-laws, it is too bad they didn't stick to ASL but you can't force them to learn it. To give them an ultimatum that they can't see their grandchildren until they do what you want them to do is not fair, you are robbing both your kids and your in-laws of contact and connection.

Let your kids and in-laws sort it out amongst themselves, especially if they enjoy seeing each other. I didn't really understand my grandparents very much, especially because one set had such heavy accents but I loved being with them and loved the hugs, kisses and attention they gave me, far more important than whether or not we spoke the same language.
 
Wirelessly posted (droid)

Family is important and I don't exclude family members unless they are abusive and refuse to change. What you describe doesn't sound like abusive behavior. Is there any verbal abuse during visits?
This sounds like a lack of ability rather than a lack of motivation. Maybe these people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. While there is no shame in that, they may be too embarassed to admit that they are unable to learn and retain asl.
There are other ways to communicate. Have you tried using a voice to text app. Your child can have her grandparents speak into a smart phone and the child can read the text.
Sometimes, it's more important to be compassionate and kind rather than being "right." It sounds like the child and grandparents have an attachment and it hurts all of them to interfere with that. What I wouldn't give to have some more time with my grandma. Life is short. Be with family as much as you can while you have them.
 
I NEVER SAID they were not allowed to see their grandchildren, that was misunderstood, what I did say is they were not to walk through the door of my home again............my husband visits them regulary with the girls, that isn't the issue. Its the language barriar between them, NOT THE LOVE FOR EACH OTHER .

Am I wrong for wanting them to completely understand who their grandchildren are, THE ONLY GRANDCHILDREN THEY HAVE , and to have that full connection with their granddaughters as they should. My question was simple, have you all come across this with your own familys? Why I'm being attached God only knows
 
Your wanting the in-laws to learn ASL - that's very understandable. but to tell them they're not allowed to come visit till they learn ASL, I still think that's not the best way to handle the situation. It really sounds like you're being a bit of a control freak.

Perhaps you can ask your kids how they feel about their in-laws not knowing ASL and how they feel about your forbidding their grandparents to come visit till they learn it. After all, your decision is affecting your kids and inlaws.
 
Wirelessly posted (droid)

Are you being a good role model for your kids by banishing them from your home? Be careful. You are teaching your kids how to treat older family members. Would you like your kids to banish you from their homes in the future. You're teaching them that it's acceptable behavior.
Frankly, your trying to control every one except yourself. You may want to ask yourself why. A good therapist can help you sort it out. A good therapist helped me a lot.
 
That's a very sad situation. I'm a grandma, and I do whatever I can to have more time with my grandsons, and to maintain good communication with them.

I hope things can be worked out for your family.
 
Wirelessly posted (droid)

I hope to be lucky enough to be a grandma some day. Grandmothers can have a special relationship with their grandchildren.
 
I think you're overreacting.
 
Apparently I owe an apology to everyone whos nerve this post has hit.......out of total frustration of having to beg, becoming the bitch is literally the only option. Frustration of having to explain to a 15yo why her grandparents aren't intersted in learning ASL for her sake, and now her sisters as well, Frustrated at all the missed opportunities on their part of being fluent with in my daughters language and frustration in which my only object of being a bitch is a faltering one. Caring to much has obviously gotten in the way of something in which I pray they have the dececny of knowing how much we have fought for our every step and having to beg on THEIR behalf shouldn't be at the top of my list of objectives.
Theres no control freak tendencies here, just a regular Mom who wants her children lives to be completely full filled by the ones that love them the most. again I apologize........last post for me! :(
 
Wirelessly posted (droid)

As a mom, I'd love to give my kids the world on a silver platter but I can't do that. Having unrealistic expectations only sets you up for failure and frustration. Believe me, I know what that's like. Best of luck working it out. Try not to be so hard on everyone, most importantly yourself. No one is perfect.
 
ASLMommax2 said:
Apparently I owe an apology to everyone whos nerve this post has hit.......out of total frustration of having to beg, becoming the bitch is literally the only option. Frustration of having to explain to a 15yo why her grandparents aren't intersted in learning ASL for her sake, and now her sisters as well, Frustrated at all the missed opportunities on their part of being fluent with in my daughters language and frustration in which my only object of being a bitch is a faltering one. Caring to much has obviously gotten in the way of something in which I pray they have the dececny of knowing how much we have fought for our every step and having to beg on THEIR behalf shouldn't be at the top of my list of objectives.
Theres no control freak tendencies here, just a regular Mom who wants her children lives to be completely full filled by the ones that love them the most. again I apologize........last post for me! :(
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You do not owe anyone an apology. You are doing the best you know how. It's unfortunate that you felt you could come here with your frustrations and not be able to see what we are seeing. We are not trying to be hard on you, we rather would like you to see things from our point of view. If you refuse to see our point of view or make changes for yourself, that is entirely your choice. If you leave this forum never to return, again, that is your choice. We hope though, that you stick around and allow yourself to see the rich diversity of folks we have here and understand that not everyone has to agree with everyone to have a rich culture. In fact, if we all agreed with you, there would have been no point in your posting here. (after all, I doubt you came here for a pat on the back, right?)
 
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