Frustrated with my voice volume

Lily7

Lily7

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2011
Messages
326
Reaction score
2
There has been something on my mind lately, that is really frustrating. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Also, not really sure which forum this would have been best in, so moderators please feel free to move it.

I grew up oral, learning to speak and such. My mom was incessantly correcting my speech which drove me nuts, but she never really seemed to correct my volume, so I guess I ended up being loud when I did talk.

When I first started dating my SO 14 years ago, he was often embarrassed about how loud I talked. I was always getting "shushed" in public or getting that extremely annoying hand gesture that hearing people make, the sign for "children" but they mean "quiet down". It was humiliating, so over the next few years I ended up making an unconscious effort not to talk so loud. To my memory he was really the only one that ever complained about me talking to loud.

He is now no longer my SO, but we are still very close and we live together because of finances. It's kind of complicated. But anyway. Now it seems I don't talk loud enough. He complains about THAT now. I feel like I can't really win. But at least I am not embarrassing him in public now. During one argument about the volume at which I speak, I told him it was his fault I talk so quiet now because of how he humiliated me about it in the beginning, and that usually shuts him up.

I am frustrated though. For a while, I thought maybe he was just starting to lose his hearing, but I started to pay attention and it seems like other people often don't hear me when I talk or seem to be trying to figure out what I said, so maybe I really am quiet now.

But you know what? I really don't feel like once again attempting to correct the volume at which I speak. In the past I have tried testing volume with my SO, asking him how loud it was, and it is never as loud or quiet as I thought it felt like it was. I have CI's, but they aren't that reliable and sometimes they trick me. Personally, I really don't care what my volume is, I don't even like talking.

It just seems like a really dumb thing for other people to focus on. Shouldn't they be happy I am speaking "their" language in the first place? I mean really. Sometimes it feels like they forget that if things were the way they should be, I would be moving my hands in front of their faces, not even talking. Ugh.

The whole thing is seriously enough to make me take a vow of silence and never speak again, only sign. That would get frustrating pretty quick, though, since I'm not fluent in it and my ex-SO gets frustrated when I just only want to sign. Unfortunately since I am homebound he is about the only social life I have at the moment, aside from my mother who is worse than he is with the whole "act like you're hearing" thing. So not only would not being fluent frustrate me, it'd be kind of pointless since neither of them would really make an effort and would just be all "Why are you signing, it's too much trouble, just talk!"

That's what my whole life has kind of been like. "Why are you signing? It's too much trouble. Just talk. But wait, you're talking incorrectly! Say it properly! Ugh, you're talking and saying it properly but now you're too loud! Quiet down! WHAT?! SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Hey... why are you signing, it's too much trouble, just talk..."

*sigh* Imagine me banging my head on the wall.
 
Ya know, one of the biggest reasons I went voice off is that I realized I was so loud back then. My parents took me to a sound engineering room and they had all these awesome stuff.

So here we are, and they had the dB meter - while I was using my voice, it was at 95-100 DB.

When they pointed out that people usually talk at 70ish... I knew I was too loud.

But on a cool note - I screamed in a room with the meter, and it registered a 139.

:)
 
posts from hell said:
Ya know, one of the biggest reasons I went voice off is that I realized I was so loud back then. My parents took me to a sound engineering room and they had all these awesome stuff.

So here we are, and they had the dB meter - while I was using my voice, it was at 95-100 DB.

When they pointed out that people usually talk at 70ish... I knew I was too loud.

But on a cool note - I screamed in a room with the meter, and it registered a 139.

:)
Click to expand...

Man, I wanna do that! Mostly because it sounds like fun, but it WOULD be kind of nice to really have a true measurement of my voice volume. Unfortunately I'd need to be able to take something like that home to practice "feeling" the different volumes. But I'd still rather just not talk at all, lol.
 
Lily7 said:
Man, I wanna do that! Mostly because it sounds like fun, but it WOULD be kind of nice to really have a true measurement of my voice volume. Unfortunately I'd need to be able to take something like that home to practice "feeling" the different volumes. But I'd still rather just not talk at all, lol.
Click to expand...

A lot easier that way, for me at least.
 
while i doubt that i am being very helpful in saying this, and i hope you wont disregard my comment because i am not very well versed on the subject, but i think you should just find your own volume. My best friend told me when i met her a few years ago that "If you want to say something than make your self heard" really what she said was more like "If you want to get loud, get loud and people are going to listen". so I guess what i'm trying to say is that if you do want to something say it in any way possible for you.
 
I grew up oral too...and yes, my voice can get really loud sometimes, especially when I'm angry or excited or in a hurry to speak something...even louder whenever I find something funny (my laugh would be the "loudest" in the room)......then again, at times it's so low you can barely "hear it."
So, it's my guess we deafies probably all have this little problem at times...no fault of our own...

Perhaps we deafies would make great audience people at a comedy zone (loud laughing)...cheerleaders or pep squad crew....newscasters, (during hurricanes/inclement weather and reporting it outside)....especially at football/sports games, drill sergeants in the military (haha)....the list could get a mile long...

Seriously, tho', it takes some practice to control ur voice volume. Sometimes, when in doubt (about the volume), I put my hand on my chest before speaking, it helps me most times. As I can feel the vibes when speaking.
 
rockin'robin said:
I grew up oral too...and yes, my voice can get really loud sometimes, especially when I'm angry or excited or in a hurry to speak something...even louder whenever I find something funny (my laugh would be the "loudest" in the room)......then again, at times it's so low you can barely "hear it."
So, it's my guess we deafies probably all have this little problem at times...no fault of our own...

Perhaps we deafies would make great audience people at a comedy zone (loud laughing)...cheerleaders or pep squad crew....newscasters, (during hurricanes/inclement weather and reporting it outside)....especially at football/sports games, drill sergeants in the military (haha)....the list could get a mile long...

Seriously, tho', it takes some practice to control ur voice volume. Sometimes, when in doubt (about the volume), I put my hand on my chest before speaking, it helps me most times. As I can feel the vibes when speaking.
Click to expand...

I'll have to try that. I am just the same way even though people seem to like my laughter. My volume fluctuates depending on my mood.
 
My volume fluctuates based on mood too. All happy -- too loud !!! :lol: Tired or relaxed -- more normal. I have learned to have a "work" volume which is much quieter than at home.
 
I was told I talked too loud at time. I did see a doctor once and he wrote in my medical record "patient talk too loud, which is to be expected as she is HOH.
I think you should not let your friend made you feel embarrassed when you're out in public, that it their hangup and you should not have to deal with it.
I was at the library talking to a librarian and some person put his finger over his lips and said '"SHH"! to me! I told the librarian as she did not see it and she was upset and told to not worry about it. I didn't and I did not made my voice volume lower. You had to talk loud in my famliy if you wanted to be heard.
 
Last edited:
Last time this was mentioned at all, one of my daughters said to me, " I know you think you are talking, but you aren't making any sound! "

Felt like I was to me, so I don't really know how you can have so much control. Just try to not care so much what anybody thinks.
 
Don't let anyone control for who you are, talk loud or quiet tell them it's their problem not yours.

I am oral deaf adult (since birth, fluent signer too), CI user for 3 years, During my HA days, so many people would say shh to me, i get funstrated. Come to CI, I was too quiet! so many people say speak louder..... in back ground noise I am too quiet so i increase my volume to the point they say shhh.... can't win so I say, I can speak any volume that i am comfortable at.
 
I am constantly accused of being too loud. I was told it was due to all my years of hearing problems.

I don't really worry about it. There is only one person who really complains, and her opinion doesn't really matter to me.
 
Wirelessly posted (Backberry)

I would not want to be with someone that is embarrased by my voice. Love me (all of me) or move on. I had help adjusting my voice when I was younger. But mostly when I asked for feedback. I never felt pestered like the OP did.
 
I'm being told more and more frequently that Im too loud... :roll:
 
Hi Lily, my sister, who ended up being the English major - go figure, was and is always correctly my speech. Now, whenever I don't pronounce it right (due to not knowing how to form the word due to my hearing loss) or my grammar was incorrect, I just tell them that I don't care (especially since they knew what I was saying anyways).

I think that having extreme difficulty with unconsciously being able to regulate one's voice (knowing voice is quiet or loud and adjusting til it's just right) is normal for many deaf/hh people who use their voices. I too get told that I am too loud or too quiet and I hate that hand gesture people use! I can't automatically tell that my voice is loud or quiet or just right, so I think it is a bit unreasonable for someone to expect me to put in all the work trying to hear and understand what they are saying and then even more effort just so I can regulate my voice to their liking. If that is what they expect, then I am switching to sign and the work can fall on them.

I love your post about "Why are you signing? It's too much trouble. Just talk. But wait, you're talking incorrectly! Say it properly! Ugh, you're talking and saying it properly but now you're too loud! Quiet down! WHAT?! SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Hey... why are you signing, it's too much trouble, just talk..." :giggle: That is a lot of what I get too. :giggle:

Imagine Lily and me banging our heads on the wall.
 
DeafRaptor said:
I can't automatically tell that my voice is loud or quiet or just right, so I think it is a bit unreasonable for someone to expect me to put in all the work trying to hear and understand what they are saying and then even more effort just so I can regulate my voice to their liking. If that is what they expect, then I am switching to sign and the work can fall on them.
Click to expand...

I'm at that point too. I'm still seriously considering ceasing talking at all except in infrequent situations.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. :) I really do wish I could be more like, "who cares", but for some reason when someone I care about is embarrassed of me it still gets to me. I wish I could just be all "Hey, if I'm too loud, shove it up your arse", you know? LOL Bah.
 
Lily7 said:
Man, I wanna do that! Mostly because it sounds like fun, but it WOULD be kind of nice to really have a true measurement of my voice volume. Unfortunately I'd need to be able to take something like that home to practice "feeling" the different volumes. But I'd still rather just not talk at all, lol.
Click to expand...

you can download an app on the android market for free to measure this! its kind of cool. i used it for music but it can be used for anything
 
Lily7 said:
There has been something on my mind lately, that is really frustrating. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Also, not really sure which forum this would have been best in, so moderators please feel free to move it.

I grew up oral, learning to speak and such. My mom was incessantly correcting my speech which drove me nuts, but she never really seemed to correct my volume, so I guess I ended up being loud when I did talk.

When I first started dating my SO 14 years ago, he was often embarrassed about how loud I talked. I was always getting "shushed" in public or getting that extremely annoying hand gesture that hearing people make, the sign for "children" but they mean "quiet down". It was humiliating, so over the next few years I ended up making an unconscious effort not to talk so loud. To my memory he was really the only one that ever complained about me talking to loud.

He is now no longer my SO, but we are still very close and we live together because of finances. It's kind of complicated. But anyway. Now it seems I don't talk loud enough. He complains about THAT now. I feel like I can't really win. But at least I am not embarrassing him in public now. During one argument about the volume at which I speak, I told him it was his fault I talk so quiet now because of how he humiliated me about it in the beginning, and that usually shuts him up.

I am frustrated though. For a while, I thought maybe he was just starting to lose his hearing, but I started to pay attention and it seems like other people often don't hear me when I talk or seem to be trying to figure out what I said, so maybe I really am quiet now.

But you know what? I really don't feel like once again attempting to correct the volume at which I speak. In the past I have tried testing volume with my SO, asking him how loud it was, and it is never as loud or quiet as I thought it felt like it was. I have CI's, but they aren't that reliable and sometimes they trick me. Personally, I really don't care what my volume is, I don't even like talking.

It just seems like a really dumb thing for other people to focus on. Shouldn't they be happy I am speaking "their" language in the first place? I mean really. Sometimes it feels like they forget that if things were the way they should be, I would be moving my hands in front of their faces, not even talking. Ugh.

The whole thing is seriously enough to make me take a vow of silence and never speak again, only sign. That would get frustrating pretty quick, though, since I'm not fluent in it and my ex-SO gets frustrated when I just only want to sign. Unfortunately since I am homebound he is about the only social life I have at the moment, aside from my mother who is worse than he is with the whole "act like you're hearing" thing. So not only would not being fluent frustrate me, it'd be kind of pointless since neither of them would really make an effort and would just be all "Why are you signing, it's too much trouble, just talk!"

That's what my whole life has kind of been like. "Why are you signing? It's too much trouble. Just talk. But wait, you're talking incorrectly! Say it properly! Ugh, you're talking and saying it properly but now you're too loud! Quiet down! WHAT?! SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Hey... why are you signing, it's too much trouble, just talk..."

*sigh* Imagine me banging my head on the wall.
Click to expand...

I read your posts and I just want to give big, squishy hug! :hug:

You are *SO* much like me in many way. Feel like what I read from you is where *I* was a few short years ago. Get angry about identity which, inside, scream to me, "Rebecca, you are DEAF!! Accept it. Embrace it. If others do not like then tell them to f-off!"

If you do not like to talk then, sweetie, why are you? You are *not* hearie so why try pretend still am? Especially if this one area cause *SO* much frustration and insecurity for you?

My mother (also mormon), who leave me as hospital when born because 'broken', and who eventually take me back at one from my auntie and uncle who *did* love me and want me, make me feel, whole life, not good enough. She used to tell me to 'shut up unless I can talk normal' so I completely understand. I spend hours in front of mirror in bathroom feeling throat for proper volume and annunciating different words. Five freaking years old!! Five!! A baby!

Discover, eventually, that 'voice' (not necessarily speaking one) just as important as anyone else. Tell Mum, cannot have relationship with because so tired of feeling less whole life. Hurt too much to have her in life. She eventually die and was happiest day of my life. Horrible, yes, but have to understand how rejection, whole life, hurt too much especially coming from someone who should have loved me regardless. Can talk to her now and she do not answer back. :giggle:

PFH and Beclak and Jillio all give me courage to /voice and accept my Deaf identity fully and it was *BEST* thing I ever do. Still have to speak sometimes, and still stutter different challenging words, always, but so, so happy now. Free Lily! I feel free. Finally!

I know you get there, too! :hug:
 
why dont my posts show up? jw, i posted a reply here and it isnt visable.
 
well now they do i guess! inreguard to the sound room. there is an app on the android market that will measure volume! you couldplay with that just to see.
 
Back
Top