Does This Sound Corny?

AquaBlue

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I have some short stories that I (truly) would rather trash than display online. Does this very brief excerpt of a story I wrote called Bottomless sound at all acceptable (yeah, right)? Criticize please. It's hard for me to tell if it's garbage or not.

Don't laugh!

The lecturer’s dull monotone sank into her like a dead weight, making her muscles numb and her brain lag. Her deep brown eyes shifting across the room like brush strokes, finding no attraction that would spark her senses. The small room was filled with businessmen in suits sitting lumpishly in stiff-plastic, non-cushioned seats as the narcotic lecturer continued forth hypnotically.

Scoping her surroundings, she came upon a figure in the back of the room. He appeared lost in thought, but his manner revealed something different- his whole essence screamed what his body conspicuously exclaimed, a depletion of self, joylessness; loneliness. His head, tilted down slightly, fixed in a cold-like, stony pose. She wondered what had happened to this poor soul that caused in him such pain.

She stared at him like outstretched hands, fingers caressing his tight, pale cheeks compassionately. The poor man finally veered his look upward, meeting her eyes and instantly understanding her empathy.

I know, don't tell me, rotten to the core.
 
It's not rotten. I wish I could read more of it and then give you a better critique.
 
It's not rotten. I wish I could read more of it and then give you a better critique.


Yup- agee there a couple of short sentences, does ot a good example make!


If you could give us a better outline, or such - that would be more helpful.


-charles
 
From what I've seen...and I agree with the others that it is a too short excerpt...it needs some revision.
 
Okay, a little more:

She stared at him like outstretch hands, fingers caressing his tight, pale cheeks compassionately. The poor man finally veered his look upward, meeting her eyes and instantly understanding her empathy. She gave him a faint smile before fluently standing; managing to not awaken the slumberous, fatigued faces around her. Her eyes remaining steady-on the man in the darken corner of the room- a worried frown now edged across his lips.

The poor man felt suddenly ill…his gnawing nerves making their unwelcome scandal- a throbbing temple, delicately quivering hands, and droplets of preparation discernible. With her every step nearing, he felt his back stiffen and his mouth, dry and sticky, breathless with dreadful anticipation. Her smell- an overpowering aroma that he recognized as not fashionable, but of inferior quality. Initially he could not hear her words, an almost silent sound that he could not decipher.

Hello Jim, she whispered so as not to disrupt the “jubilee” behind her. The dim corner shrouded them like a giant blanket, making them invisible from curious eyes that might intrude. This realization of privacy, which penetrated his thick tension, calmed him. At once his dead ears opened and he heard her voice, a soft, warm resonance that miraculously soothed the ferociousness in his gut. My name, how did she know… my name?

His cautious eyes met hers with a quizzical look. She understood his unspoken doubt. Pointed directly at the sticker glued to his lapel she returned his frown. My nametag, he told himself…he felt like a dunce, but was able to manage a smile. He felt all the emotional garbage drain away and, courageously, offered her the seat next to his. She accepted with a wider smile, exposing her straight dentures; Her eyes, Those eyes, he thought briefly, Beautiful!


The moment, so far, was perfect.
 
The story now shifts to a later time:

********

At its zenith the sun blazed scalding waves of humid fire. The traffic, a parking lot of choking smoke, horns, and construction detour signs, filled his weary sight. A vagrant, with a cardboard sign and a paper cup, began his round of pleads a few cars up the street.

Jim’s depleted eyes, upon a group of sparrows, peaking, skipping and ascending from the curve, were adrift. His absent daze in an unconscious fantasy- an earlier episode of gloom had invaded his brain.



_
 
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