Did I commit a faux pas?

shel90

shel90

Love Makes the World Go Round
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I need some of your advice...

My best friend whom I have known since I was a year old is deaf. We went to different schools growing up until high school. She grew up oral-only and learned ASL later on like I did.

Anyways, she brought up about wanting to get a CI about 5 or so years ago. At that time, I was uneducated about them and told her that they are bad and blah blah.

My views about them have changed especially since joining AD.

Anyways, she brought up to me recently that she still thinks about it and really wants to go for it but was afraid that our circle of deaf friends will bash her. I told her that I was wrong for what I said 5 years ago and that I feel she should go for it cuz she is in the hearing world more than I am. Her husband and 2 kids do not sign at all and she has trouble understanding them. I wish they would be supportive of her and learn sign but after 10 years, it is apparent that is not going to happen. Now, her daughters are in school and involved with extra-curricular activities so she has to be around hearing people more often then when they were babies.

I told her that she should go for it. I know she will follow it cuz I noticed that when we were growing up, whenever I said something or forms an opinion, she follows it. Long story and I dont want to post it here.

The question is did I commit a faux pas by telling her that when it should be something she should decide for herself?

I dont want her to go for something as major as this just because I told her she should. Ooooops.

I honestly feel that she will get benefit from a CI just like I probably would because we have such a strong oral background growing up. She seems very unhappy with her constant frustration and misunderstandings in the hearing world.

Yes, she has deaf friends but they are few and scattered all over the country. Even I am far away from her (2 hours).

Should I tell her not to take my words literally? I feel like I did something wrong.

Thanks
 
I don't think you did anything wrong. Obviously, the CI is something that she is considering anyway, and if she has been thinking about it this long, she no doubt is viewing it as a psosible alternative. Given her situation, I think that is understandable. I find it sad, however, that those closest to her refuse to make the accommodations, and that in and of itself places her in the position of considering surgery when there are other alternatives being denied her. It appears that the hearing members of the circle seem to place the deaf in the position of opting for surgery still, simply because they refuse to learn sign to accommodate their deaf family members. Kind of blows the "free choice" theory out of the water, doesn't it.

You are just supporting your friend in her decision. I don't think you have exerted undue influence over her.
 
shel90 said:
I need some of your advice...

My best friend whom I have known since I was a year old is deaf. We went to different schools growing up until high school. She grew up oral-only and learned ASL later on like I did.

Anyways, she brought up about wanting to get a CI about 5 or so years ago. At that time, I was uneducated about them and told her that they are bad and blah blah.

My views about them have changed especially since joining AD.

Anyways, she brought up to me recently that she still thinks about it and really wants to go for it but was afraid that our circle of deaf friends will bash her. I told her that I was wrong for what I said 5 years ago and that I feel she should go for it cuz she is in the hearing world more than I am. Her husband and 2 kids do not sign at all and she has trouble understanding them. I wish they would be supportive of her and learn sign but after 10 years, it is apparent that is not going to happen. Now, her daughters are in school and involved with extra-curricular activities so she has to be around hearing people more often then when they were babies.

I told her that she should go for it. I know she will follow it cuz I noticed that when we were growing up, whenever I said something or forms an opinion, she follows it. Long story and I dont want to post it here.

The question is did I commit a faux pas by telling her that when it should be something she should decide for herself?

I dont want her to go for something as major as this just because I told her she should. Ooooops.

I honestly feel that she will get benefit from a CI just like I probably would because we have such a strong oral background growing up. She seems very unhappy with her constant frustration and misunderstandings in the hearing world.
Yes, she has deaf friends but they are few and scattered all over the country. Even I am far away from her (2 hours).

Should I tell her not to take my words literally? I feel like I did something wrong.

Thanks
Click to expand...

You could have another talk to her and explain yourself more fully, however you did nothing wrong. She sounds like she really wants CI anyway and is only afraid of being offside with any deafies she knows. In situations like this it only takes a couple of outside comments to make up ones mind either way.
 
Boult said:
Shel,

What Raykat says... :)
Click to expand...

I'm with Jillio, Raykat and Boult on this one. I don't think you had an undue influence on her.. Sounds like she really wants the CI for herself.. I don't think you did anything wrong.
 
Thanks everyone!

She said that she had been unsure for the past 5 years and yet after I told her she should go for it, she says she is sure that it is the right thing for her. I just thought about it later and just hoped that it wasnt cuz of what I said. I would hate it if it didnt work out for her, she may blame me.

Just tried VPing her..not answering.
 
I'm with everyone on this too. I also know it took me 5 years as well. I asked my closest friends, would they still want to be my friend if I had this surgery. Maybe that is what she really wants to know - will you support her decision? Talk to her.
 
shel90 said:
Thanks everyone!

She said that she had been unsure for the past 5 years and yet after I told her she should go for it, she says she is sure that it is the right thing for her. I just thought about it later and just hoped that it wasnt cuz of what I said. I would hate it if it didnt work out for her, she may blame me.

Just tried VPing her..not answering.
Click to expand...

It sounds to me as if she probably appreciates the validation of her thoughts from you. You only said "should" after you considered her own thoughts and her family circumstances and as others said, it sounded like she wanted to go for it but needed the encouragement and reassurance from her friend that everything will still be okay after the CI.

Sounds like you are a very caring friend! :)
 
vallee said:
I'm with everyone on this too. I also know it took me 5 years as well. I asked my closest friends, would they still want to be my friend if I had this surgery. Maybe that is what she really wants to know - will you support her decision? Talk to her.
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She has been my best friend since we were a year old. Even if I was still against CIs and she went ahead and got it, I would never end our friendship for something like that. I just feel bad that she struggled with it for 5 years but she said she had other reasons for not going for it....not because of what I said 5 years ago.

She told me that she wants the both of us to do it together but I cant do that for her. I would rather get a CI on my own terms and right now, it is not what I want. Maybe in the future, maybe never. Who knows.

Since she is constantly in the hearing world about 95% of the time while I am in the deaf world 95% of the time, I felt it made more sense for her to go for it if she had been really thinking about it for that long. I didnt even know she had been thinking about it all this time. I thought it was dropped 5 years ago until she recently admitted it to me. The reason she brought it up is cuz her deaf brother is scheduled for a CI surgery next week.
 
Instead of telling her to go for it, I would tell her that no matter the decision she make that I would support her every step of the way.

I believe this would comfort her knowing that she have someone in the deaf commuties that support her in either direction she choose to go with.

.
 
^ I agree with TechBill ... give her support no matter which decision.

To her, you are a true friend! :)
 
I think she was looking more for a approval than anything. She already pretty much made up her mind from what you are saying.
 
TechBill said:
Instead of telling her to go for it, I would tell her that no matter the decision she make that I would support her every step of the way.

I believe this would comfort her knowing that she have someone in the deaf commuties that support her in either direction she choose to go with.

.
Click to expand...

That was a good answer, TechBill.
 
And Shel, its possible that she might have wanted to talk it out. Maybe there's some lingering doubt about getting implanted. I can imagine it can be a hard decision. Let her know she can always talk to you about stuff like this.
 
I plan on talking to her on VP tmw night to explain how I feel and that I want her to get it because SHE wants to not because I or others approved of it.

Thanks everyone!
 
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