Delicate social situation--need advice

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Guest1706

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I am hearing impaired and belong to a woman's group that meets at a local coffee house to knit and chat. There are anywhere from 6 to 10 of us in the group. Because of my impairment, I can't hear all side conversations, but I can follow the main one, more or less, and when I wish to have a side conversation, I go to the person and speak to them directly. So far, so good. (Everyone else has "normal" hearing.) Recently, by coincidence, a woman who is profoundly hearing impaired joined our group. She often asks people to repeat what is said in the main conversation, which I understand, but she also demands that all side conversations be repeated to her. For instance, if she sees someone across from her lean in to the person next to them and make a comment, she demands to know what they said, even though the regular hearing folks probably couldn't have heard it above the main conversation. This is making the group severely uncomfortable. I myself am conflicted because I understand her isolation, but at the same time, it's difficult. Any suggestions on how to handle this? One woman was talking about something very private to another member she was close to personally and had known for a long time, and really didn't want to have to declare it in front of the whole group. Sorry this is so long; any advice is appreciated. As a hearing-impaired person who may one day be profoundly hard of hearing, I don't feel that what she is doing is right, or that she is going about it the right way, but maybe I'm wrong? I'm trying to put myself in her shoes, since I'm already half-way there. I'd like perspective on this. Thanks!
 
Private conversation should be held in privacy. But they could just tell her, no it is private.

Eventually, she could figure out the difference.
 
If I was the person she asked to repeat I'd just tell her flat out I wasn't talking to her, or the group, and that it's not open for discussion. Don't be nosy.
 
Good suggestions above also, why don't you pull her aside and explain how it works like you just explained that between two people talking isn't meant for anyone else to listen to. It appears that she doesn't have boundaries or respect when two people are talking to each other. I am deaf and I respect that when I see it happening. Perhaps she needs it explained to her.
 
I'm surprised she hasn't picked up yet when someone is talking to a group, and when someone is a separate discussion.
 
no reason for her push in on others conversation..Deaf or hearing you talk to person in front of you Say something to her cos methinks more than being deaf
 
Thanks to all of you for your input. I also feel that she is being unknowingly rude. As a hearing-impaired person, I understand that typical hearing people don't want to have to repeat every little offhand remark they make to the person next to them to the whole group. I am also surprised she has not picked up on this before, which is what made me unsure of my viewpoint. She's a very intelligent woman with a Ph.D. and I suspect not a lot of close friends. Our group is open to anyone who wants to join and knit with us, and I would never want to make her feel unwelcome. At the same time, I think it would help her in many areas of her life to be more socially aware of how to handle groups. The trick is how to tell her in a way that won't make her hurt, angry or defensive. Not sure how to do that.
 
She probably grew up being isolated and left out and took an aggressive approach to end it. Deaf people seem to never win. Either we get left out or we appear as aggressive for having access to information.
 
Guest1706 said:
Thanks to all of you for your input. I also feel that she is being unknowingly rude. As a hearing-impaired person, I understand that typical hearing people don't want to have to repeat every little offhand remark they make to the person next to them to the whole group. I am also surprised she has not picked up on this before, which is what made me unsure of my viewpoint. She's a very intelligent woman with a Ph.D. and I suspect not a lot of close friends. Our group is open to anyone who wants to join and knit with us, and I would never want to make her feel unwelcome. At the same time, I think it would help her in many areas of her life to be more socially aware of how to handle groups. The trick is how to tell her in a way that won't make her hurt, angry or defensive. Not sure how to do that.
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Maybe b/c she has a Ph. D she feel she has the right to be pushy ? ??
 
Guest1706 said:
Thanks to all of you for your input. I also feel that she is being unknowingly rude. As a hearing-impaired person, I understand that typical hearing people don't want to have to repeat every little offhand remark they make to the person next to them to the whole group. I am also surprised she has not picked up on this before, which is what made me unsure of my viewpoint. She's a very intelligent woman with a Ph.D. and I suspect not a lot of close friends. Our group is open to anyone who wants to join and knit with us, and I would never want to make her feel unwelcome. At the same time, I think it would help her in many areas of her life to be more socially aware of how to handle groups. The trick is how to tell her in a way that won't make her hurt, angry or defensive. Not sure how to do that.
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sounds like she's a bit socially-awkward person. I would do what MangaReader suggested. pull her aside and explain the "social manner" to her.
 
Solution by personal intervention is kind of an iffy operation as we all know. When it works it is like Hallelujah!! My success rate is not so good.

First of all realize that you are taking on responsibility that is not really yours. If it is bothering the group it is a group thing to solve. There is usually someone who has been there a long time and sort of acts as leader.
It is your job to first mention it to that person. This will usually accomplish nothing. Once in a while though it works.
Next do what I see a lot of people who like to take over things do. Gather allies. Usually this results in a bullying kind of result that makes me personally want to hurl.
Otherwise two ways depending on your personality; just wait it out keep knitting and it will solve itself somehow or jump right in there and use your social skills to save her from being ostracized.

If it doesn't work well.... it is an iffy operation, you tried.
 
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I been thinking about this, this a social group for women to get together and talk as a group , if someone want to talk a person privately it would polite to do that at another time. Or the two could wait till everyone gone then have their chat .
 
All good viewpoints to consider. I was especially struck by the comment that she had probably grown up in isolation and learned to be aggressive as an alternative to being completely shut out. It is definitely her agression and lack of boundaries that cause the issue, but this comment helps me to remember why that agression/social awkwardness exists. Personally, I think the rest of us will just have to lump it. I don't think any of us, most of whom have been together a number of years, would feel comfortable telling her anything. If we did, I suspect the woman would simply leave the group, and I definitely don't want that.
 
whatdidyousay! said:
I been thinking about this, this a social group for women to get together and talk as a group , if someone want to talk a person privately it would polite to do that at another time. Or the two could wait till everyone gone then have their chat .
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I don't disagree, but this is a group of working women who are almost all also the mothers of young children (which is a full-time job in itself), so this is our one and only time to talk and/or be together. From my own observations, I think it's natural for groups to have a main conversation and one or two side conversaqtions at any given time. It's actually the side conversations that make me feel closer to individual members, especially those who haven't been with the group as long, because the conversations are more personal, and less of what movie someone saw, etc. But that is also what makes having to repeat them to the whole group at the behest of our newest member so difficult; they are not by nature conversations that are meant to be repeated to a group.
 
goodonya said:
Solution by personal intervention is kind of an iffy operation as we all know. When it works it is like Hallelujah!! My success rate is not so good.

First of all realize that you are taking on responsibility that is not really yours. If it is bothering the group it is a group thing to solve. There is usually someone who has been there a long time and sort of acts as leader.
It is your job to first mention it to that person. This will usually accomplish nothing. Once in a while though it works.
Next do what I see a lot of people who like to take over things do. Gather allies. Usually this results in a bullying kind of result that makes me personally want to hurl.
Otherwise two ways depending on your personality; just wait it out keep knitting and it will solve itself somehow or jump right in there and use your social skills to save her from being ostracized.

If it doesn't work well.... it is an iffy operation, you tried.
Click to expand...
LOL. I actually started the group when I was going crazy from being at home with a baby and telecommuting, but I don't think of myself as the "leader." I agree that ganging up on someone is totally unacceptable. I tend to be over-sensitive myself, and the one and possibly only upside of that is that I will not knowingly hurt or risk hurting another person's feelings, no matter how much what they are doing may bother me.
 
Guest1706 said:
I don't disagree, but this is a group of working women who are almost all also the mothers of young children (which is a full-time job in itself), so this is our one and only time to talk and/or be together. From my own observations, I think it's natural for groups to have a main conversation and one or two side conversaqtions at any given time. It's actually the side conversations that make me feel closer to individual members, especially those who haven't been with the group as long, because the conversations are more personal, and less of what movie someone saw, etc. But that is also what makes having to repeat them to the whole group at the behest of our newest member so difficult; they are not by nature conversations that are meant to be repeated to a group.
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When I am with a group of people and I miss something that been said I don't ask people to repeat it unless I was the one that brought up the subject.
I agree with what someone said about this a group issue and it's going to be awkward dealing with this person on your own. Maybe you could get some feedback from other women and see if they feel this is an issue that needs to be taken care of. The woman you're talking about should get the hint soon or later that some people will have personal conversations at the group meeting. If she doesn't ,she has poor social skill or is a nosey person.
 
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