Death in family....

dereksbicycles

dereksbicycles

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My girlfriend and I have been having on/off relationship. She has said that I've low self esteem and it's hard to have a relationship if one person has low self esteem. As result, I've been working hard to improve my self-esteem.

However, this hit me hard....see, last Saturday, her Grandpa passed away. Granted, we have been friends for 7 months, then dating for 5 months. I've never met Grandpa before. I only know him from pictures. Visitation hours were yestersday. Funeral is today. I feel sad that I wasn't invited to funeral. Is that a clue that she doesn't want a relationship? Or do you think she may be awkward about inviting me since I never met him? Or do you think she may just want to grieve on her own?

She does have one younger sister who is on work/study program in Costa Rica so she cannot make it. It kind of makes me a little bit better. You know, it would be unfair if I go and she cannot make it.

Keep in mind that she has said that she loves me, but she needs some space to deal with Grandpa's death.

I guess that I'm asking here 2 thing. If you were the girlfriend, would you invite me to funeral or better to not invite me? 2. If you were the guy, how would you feel? Hurt or sad that you weren't invited? Or think that it wouldn't be right to go since you never met Grandpa?
 
Well, to be honest with being only 7 months I can kinda see her either inviting you or not inviting you. Although it may feel like a long time to you, it may be still fresh (the relationship, and her grandfather's death) for her and she wants to seek comfort within her family. I wouldn't hold it against her.

As far as your self esteem issue, I can understand where your coming from. Try to speak with a doctor or set up some counseling for yourself.

For me, music is my therapy, it always makes me feel a little bit better when I'm down but its depending on the music too.
 
You don't need to be invited to a funeral. If it's not inconvenient for you, you could go to the funeral, offer your condolences at the end of the service and leave (if you feel she doesn't want you to stay).
If you haven't already, maybe send a sympathy card to her and her family.
 
ladysolitary85 said:
Well, to be honest with being only 7 months I can kinda see her either inviting you or not inviting you. Although it may feel like a long time to you, it may be still fresh (the relationship, and her grandfather's death) for her and she wants to seek comfort within her family. I wouldn't hold it against her.

As far as your self esteem issue, I can understand where your coming from. Try to speak with a doctor or set up some counseling for yourself.

For me, music is my therapy, it always makes me feel a little bit better when I'm down but its depending on the music too.
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I really appreciate your point of view. It's nice to know other people's point of view and see where they're coming from.

As for counseling, I've began to read some self-help book, trying to clean up house, keep busy, and trying to keep self esteem up in general for myself and also for my girlfriend and me.
 
LoveBlue said:
You don't need to be invited to a funeral. If it's not inconvenient for you, you could go to the funeral, offer your condolences at the end of the service and leave (if you feel she doesn't want you to stay).
If you haven't already, maybe send a sympathy card to her and her family.
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She lives 3 hours away from me. I was willing to go if invited, but she thought it would be better if I didn't go. Maybe it would have been awkward to go to funeral anyway, you know. I did send her sympathy card already.
 
LoveBlue said:
You don't need to be invited to a funeral. If it's not inconvenient for you, you could go to the funeral, offer your condolences at the end of the service and leave (if you feel she doesn't want you to stay).
If you haven't already, maybe send a sympathy card to her and her family.
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I honestly wouldn't even chance that. To me I would find it disrespectful not only to me (as if I was the girlfriend) but also the rest of the family. They may only want strictly family within the service. I think just attending without notice would only anger her more than do good.

I do think the card is a great idea though.
 
dereksbicycles said:
I really appreciate your point of view. It's nice to know other people's point of view and see where they're coming from.

As for counseling, I've began to read some self-help book, trying to clean up house, keep busy, and trying to keep self esteem up in general for myself and also for my girlfriend and me.
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books are a start for sure, but I think one on one contact with a professional may be better for you. Some people need/want the extra push of talking to someone in that field, or going through medications (which is a very personal choice in my opinion, entirely up to you) because it can help more.
 
ladysolitary85 said:
I honestly wouldn't even chance that. To me I would find it disrespectful not only to me (as if I was the girlfriend) but also the rest of the family. They may only want strictly family within the service. I think just attending without notice would only anger her more than do good.

I do think the card is a great idea though.
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Yeah, some families just want family invited to funeral. I can understand that. I don't know if I would have invited my girlfriend if it was my Grandpa passing away. Maybe I would have. Maybe not. It's hard to speculate. I guess that she prefer to not invite me. I've to not take that personally.
 
ladysolitary85 said:
books are a start for sure, but I think one on one contact with a professional may be better for you. Some people need/want the extra push of talking to someone in that field, or going through medications (which is a very personal choice in my opinion, entirely up to you) because it can help more.
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Yeah, not many people can get better self esteem on their own. Most of them needs help. That is where I fall and so does my girlfriend.
 
There is help out there though! :) your not just limited to books, I'm sure there's little to no cost options if you don't have insurance.
 
Personally, I likely would not invite my boyfriend to a funeral if it was the first time he meets my extended family. I would want the event to be more about remembering the loved one - not introducing a significant partner in my life to many people who are grieving. I'd just prefer introducing him on happier occasions. Just my first thoughts...
 
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I have been to two funerals - my mother's and my father's. If I didn't invite the guy I was dating, it would be because he didn't know my family and a funeral is not the best time to introduce a boyfriend to a family who's in a state of grief and are not in the mood for socializing or putting on a fake smile to be nice. When a family member dies, it's an intensely emotional affair and one tends to want to be only with those who knew the deceased very well.
 
ladysolitary85 said:
I honestly wouldn't even chance that. To me I would find it disrespectful not only to me (as if I was the girlfriend) but also the rest of the family. They may only want strictly family within the service. I think just attending without notice would only anger her more than do good.

I do think the card is a great idea though.
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If the funeral is posted in the Obit and is not posted as "private", then it's open to anyone basically. I've gone to funerals w/o invitation. The bereaved are not exactly thinking about "sending out" invitations. I certainly did not invite people to my husband's funeral, but was happy to see whoever came.

He did the right thing by offering to go and abiding by her wishes.
 
Do you know your girlfriend's parents at all? Was Grandpa her mother's father or her dad's? Either way, if she had talked about him at all, it would be nice to send a card with a note to the parents, saying something like "Lisa mentioned her grandfather so often, and his special gift of ...(always having the right thing to say, being such a loving grandfather, being dedicated to his family...)" - in other words, some short personal remembrance to honor him.

As for the funeral itself, I agree with others. Not the best time to introduce a boyfriend to the family. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just how she feels she wants to grieve for him.
 
I know my girlfriend's Mom quite well. Dad has long since passed away. She did talk a little bit about Grandpa, but not much. She did show me pictures of Grandpa.
 
If It was me. I was probable not going, but I will be said, I am sorry.

Just follow your gut.
 
dereksbicycles said:
She lives 3 hours away from me. I was willing to go if invited, but she thought it would be better if I didn't go. Maybe it would have been awkward to go to funeral anyway, you know. I did send her sympathy card already.
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Funerals aren't like weddings. They don't send out invitations. They are usually open to anyone unless it's stated that it's a private service, or family only.

On the other hand, funerals aren't dating venues either.

Sending a card was appropriate.
 
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