deaf/hearing couples' experiences?

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withdeaf

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hi, everyone! thank you for welcoming me to your community. i've done a bit of reading here in the forums, but feel i need to start my own thread to get some more specific feedback from experienced couples. i appreciate your help.

a year ago i met a guy, and we really like each other. i'm hearing, he's deaf. i'm learning sign language, and he speaks, and reads lips, and we're actually communicating fairly well, but i'm very verbose! and i do get frustrated sometimes at the amount of things that still slip by him. there could be many reasons for this, but his deafness definitely complicates communication.

i know i have to be patient, and it is getting better all the time. but we've started having arguments about it.

i'm curious to see what challenges other deaf/hearing couples might have run into, and how they dealt with them.

also, can anyone recommend any good books or blogs about how people have worked out their long-term deaf/hearing relationships?

thanks!
 
withdeaf said:
hi, everyone! thank you for welcoming me to your community. i've done a bit of reading here in the forums, but feel i need to start my own thread to get some more specific feedback from experienced couples. i appreciate your help.

a year ago i met a guy, and we really like each other. i'm hearing, he's deaf. i'm learning sign language, and he speaks, and reads lips, and we're actually communicating fairly well, but i'm very verbose! and i do get frustrated sometimes at the amount of things that still slip by him. there could be many reasons for this, but his deafness definitely complicates communication.

i know i have to be patient, and it is getting better all the time. but we've started having arguments about it.

i'm curious to see what challenges other deaf/hearing couples might have run into, and how they dealt with them.

also, can anyone recommend any good books or blogs about how people have worked out their long-term deaf/hearing relationships?

thanks!
Click to expand...

On the bolded, how much slips by you in ASL?

You both have equal advantage in sign, but he is at a disadvantage at listening to your verbosity.

Why don't you communicate all ASL?

Would he be frustrated how much slips by you that way?
 
If you are frustrated by what slips by try thinking how frustrated he is. My husband and are are getting divorced after 18 years because he is unable to get over the fact I don't hear everything.... he seems to think I choose what to hear..... just saying
 
thank you H: i'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you. i'm really scared myself that maybe i'm just the worst person to try something with a deaf man, because i might be just on the opposite end of the talkative spectrum. like i said, the jury's still out on how much of our troubles are really about his being deaf.

thanks B: you see he won't use ASL, cause it's not really his language. so i don't really get to practise. and you're right, the rare times we do, i do miss a lot, and he just starts speaking again, cause he has that option. i'm not saying his life is easy, by no means! but if we're going to have patience with each other we both have to be able to put ourselves into the other's shoes, no?
 
I'm now 36. I look back at all failed deaf/hearing relationships and learn from them. I would prefer deaf/deaf relationships those days. Then again, it is one size fits all.

Every hearing people that I dated did try hard at ASL, but I don't think they got it. I was a teacher aide for ASL class for one year when I was in college. I can tell who learned fast and who learn slowly. Those that I dated seems to be pretty slow at getting grasp of ASL. ASL is not an easy language for everyone.

Maybe he simply doesn't want to go through the hassle of learning ASL. The older a person gets, the harder it is to change them. You cannot force him to learn. It is up to him. Maybe offer to take ASL classes together and see he is up to it.

Good luck.
 
thanks DB. do you find asl is pretty much the best bet for finding common ground? i could possibly get him to some practise sessions. hm,... actually he knows ASL, not well enough to always keep up with deaf folk's speed!, but definitely well enough to go over my head, and just loses patience, and starts to talk.
 
Fluent ASL would help, but it also helps to have common interest. I would rather talk to someone who is struggling with ASL, but have common interests than different interests and fluent ASL usage.

You will run in people who only want to date Deaf or HOH people. Don't let it discourage you. You will find a lot of deaf people who want to teach you. I don't know if you hang out often enough at Deaf Events. If you do, you'll understand why people get frustrated with limited ASL skills.
 
My suggestion is that you attempt to use ASL all the time with him. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to: if he really wants to talk he's free to do that. But if you restrict yourself to ASL, you get all these benefits:

(1) Nothing you say will go by him because he didn't hear it
(1a) and so you won't feel frustrated that your thoughts aren't reaching him, and
(1b) he will always be (and hopefully feel) fully included when you want to tell him something.
(2) Your frustration at not knowing how to sign something you really want to say will (if you use it right) hugely increase the speed at which your ASL improves.

I know it's easier to go voice off at a Deaf event where you're socializing in a lighter way: within a relationship there are times when you really need/want to get your thoughts out there, and maybe your language skills don't yet support that. But maybe you can make writing your fall-back instead of talking? Or allow yourself a limited number of exceptions per day, and with each one remind yourself the need to be extra clear? (I would favor strict ASL or the writing fall-back option. It's hard to make yourself go back to ASL once you start talking.)

And don't think of using ASL as having anything to do with where you are on the talkative spectrum. Once you get good enough at it, you can go on and on and on about whatever it is you want to say. There's even a sign for that;)

If you decide to do this, and if he doesn't start signing with you more, you'll be getting a disproportionate amount of expressive practice. You should supplament that with receptive practice (partly to have some balance, and partly because if you do get good enough to follow him, then he won't need to get impatient with you and maybe you can start having full, satisfying conversations in ASL.) If you want some resources on that, PM me once you've got 5 posts here.
 
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Hurleysrus, sounds like people here are really recommending learning ASL, would you agree with that? does your husband know asl?
 
thanks T! you made me smile. i think you're right. i should probably just work on the ASL, and things will fall into place one way or another. at least then i won't be wondering. you listed some really good other reasons too. would love some resources, you mean books or websites? i'm in canada.
 
withdeaf said:
Hurleysrus, sounds like people here are really recommending learning ASL, would you agree with that? does your husband know asl?
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No, he is an ___. My daughter and I have started and my other kids are learning when we show them but my husband refuses because he feels as long as we can hear some ( I can hear things louder than a lawn mower with out my BAHA's) its an excuse.... but I do know everyone's not like that. I am slow, it took until he started calling my daughters hearing loss "selective hearing" to realize he is a jerk.:thumbd:
 
why are you learning ASL, T? are you studying to be an interpreter? are you dating someone deaf?
 
withdeaf said:
why are you learning ASL, T? are you studying to be an interpreter? are you dating someone deaf?
Click to expand...

So many reasons. It's something I really wanted to do when I was a kid, but there were no resources at the time (and place). A few years ago I crossed paths with some Deaf people and it hit me, there's this thing I wanted and couldn't have, but now things are different: there are just so many resources (both online and where I live).

So part of it is just for me, I like signing. I like the parts of my brain it seems to use, or use in a different way. Both expressive and receptive, in different ways. And when I think about Deaf people, it just seems like an obvious call: I can learn to sign. It's not too much to ask of me. Especially since I like doing it. Deaf people can't just get up one morning and decide to start to hear. And even if they could, Deafness is interwoven with Deaf culture and ASL for many people, it's important enough that they wouldn't want to leave it if they could. So it makes sense to learn. Even just for communicating with people you run into in the course of your life, IMO.

And I really like being able to communicate directly with people. I don't aspire to be an interpreter, but I want very much not to *need* an interpreter. Even as a hearing person usually surrounded by other hearing people, I've been infuriated so many times hearing someone say "well T said" and then just get my meaning completely wrong. Or wrong enough to make a mess of things. And that's all within one language! I know there are lots of really talented interpreters out there, and I know that many Deaf people have come to terms with whatever level of trust is necessary to depend on their work, but I have a really hard time dealing with the same scenario: having a third person involved in my communications with people. I really want to be able to communicate directly.

There are other things too, ways that signing benefits me on a personal level (that hadn't occurred to me until I started doing it, and that I won't post online) and also political reasons I learned about after starting to study Deaf history and culture. There have been many awful efforts to take ASL away from Deaf people as a community. I feel like knowing the language, being ready to use it, makes the world a tiny bit more Deaf friendly, and that's a good way to sort of vote for Deaf rights and better access, just by our own choices.

Sometimes I'm kind of amazed that everyone doesn't want to learn at least some signing. Different modes of communication are useful (or not) in different situations. Voice is great if you and your friend are walking down a hallway and both carrying big boxes (using both hands). Signing is way better if you're walking down a noisy street and you see your friend on a bus that's about to pull away. So many times I've been in situations where I would think, "It would be really good if I could get a message to that person over there. Before learning ASL, my mind wouldn't have even thought of the possibility. And they probably don't sign, so it's not going to happen, but the potential is there." I would think that people would want to give themselves lots of different options. But really, until I got into this stuff, it would never have occurred to me either.

Ok, I do this, I write these novels. I'll write separately about resources, maybe in a PM, because that depends on how far along you are. Also because I'm starting to feel like a broken record about certain resources that I think are like gold but I don't want to jam them down people's throats:0
 
T: i think you just helped me figure it out.

first of all, i love how excited you are about asl, and it's certainly a useful skill, if you have deaf friends or have a chance to socialize in the deaf community. i really like languages too. and i've enjoyed learning asl, but also felt a little silly about it when that's not really his language, but i see now that it's a good idea. while speaking works for him, he can't be expected to understand how it feels from my perspective. i need to take responsiblity for my own part if i want to be understood.

thanks for the links! and the tips. thanks for taking the time, T! i've seen some of those people. looking forward to delving into them.


i would still love to hear what other couples do when they run into communication challenges.
 
Hi withdeaf. I've been married a long time. My wife is hearing and I have a profound hearing loss but have been bought up to use speech and hearing aids, not sign.

In fact I didn't know any sign language (BSL here in UK) or a single Deaf person until about 2 years ago. So my first language is English and I find it much easier to express my thoughts using English.

But, like your guy, I miss SO much of what my wife and kids say. It's very frustrating for me. At times, I've sat at the family table and haven't been able to follow a single conversation throughout the entire meal.

Why don't I interrupt and ask my family to repeat themselves? An obvious question. But the reality is that hearing people don't like repeating themselves, even when they say they don't mind. Take it from me as somebody well experienced in asking hearing folks to repeat themselves. And saying something a second time always takes something out of it. I even experience this when somebody else asks me to repeat myself.

There are things we do to improve communication, such as ensuring that I can see my wife's face before she starts talking. But a good lipreader only picks up 20-30% and the rest is educated guesswork. Exhausting work is lipreading, especially if the other person is verbose.

About three years ago, I realised that this chasm is permanent. It cannot be filled in so we don't have this gap between us. Bridges can be built to connected us, but we cannot just cross over whenever we want, like in a hearing-hearing relationship or a Deaf-Deaf relationship. It's hard work for my wife & I, harder than it would be if we both shared the same level of hearing.

I applaud you for learning ASL. I'm now learning BSL and my wife is as well. But I struggle to express my inner thoughts in sign language. It is so much easier for me to use English as is the language I've used for over 40 years.

In summary, I don't think there is a solution to the frustrations you're experiencing. But it is possible to live with the problems and manage your frustrations so they don't destroy the relationship. But it's damned hard!
 
ajw! you exactly described our situation! about the repeating, and about losing something the second time. even his history is similar to yours, and you made me cry! there really isn't an easy answer. you must love each other very much you and your wife, if over this "chasm" you are still together.

i've learned many other languages, and asl is no exception. like being an aupair in france, but always ending up hanging out with the english speakers... it's like learning to express yourself all over again. who am i in the meantime? sometimes i feel like he can only see half of me, and i feel so alone.

i think sign language might make a huge difference, even just a little has helped to add to speech, and contribute to context for another clue to help him puzzle things out the way he does, the way i'm sure you do. it's coming along.

thank you sooo much for sharing!
 
Hi withdeaf. A communication tip - signing the first letter of the word you're speaking is very helpful to lipreaders who know the ASL/BSL alphabet. Not necessary to use in every single word, but the keywords.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
I have the opposite problem. I'm Deaf and use ASL as primary language and he is hearing who knows sign language however I find myself using my voice with him even though I rather not. I just do it automatically at home. Out in public we do pretty good job communicating in ASL but when we have serious conversation it is at home and for some reason communicating in ASL doesn't get my message across 100%. Anyone have similar experience?
 
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