deaf/hearing big troubles!! help please!

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confuzed1

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i am new here so hello to everyone. I have a very big problem that is killing me.

i am 23 with a 24yr old hearing bf. we been together for 2yrs now. everything was perfect at first (we had fun, and he started learning sign a bit). he promised me he would learn it and we were in love and planned to get married and have family together one day. Now he has totally changed and its killing me cos i just want to be with him forever.

for about 6months now we have been fighting a lot and he doesnt want to spend much time with me. i know he also feels awkward about me being deaf now. he never invites me to his family functions. i only met his mum and sister. he keeps telling me that we wont work out because he has issues to sort out. but i know he is just making excuses. I know he cares a lot about me and would never hurt me on purpose. I think he wants to break up with me but he doesnt want to hurt me cos he knows i cant live without him. He is moving to diff country in dec this year. He tried few times to break up with me but i made it hard for him.. i dont wanna lose him! i dont know what il do without him! he hasnt learnt sign either .. only knows abc... he keeps telling me that he doesnt deserve me cos he makes me cry and i would be happy with someone else.. he comes from well off family and he didnt even know about deaf culture cos no-one in his whole family or friends is deaf so i think he also has family pressure.. he also never invites me to his work parties and i know he also scared to have deaf kids.. he doesnt want that!...

i know you will all tell me to just dump him but how?!! i love him so much.. i want to marry him and wanted to have family with him.. i dont know how to let him go !! we also not american but from new zealand and he comes from diff background.. from a place where his whole community grew up not knowing about deaf culture so they not open minded like other places...

im sorry about this being so long but im sooo depressed.. i cant lose him! he was so perfect before!
 
If he's changed, it's gonna hurt. No doubt about it.

Your situation reminded me of this famous phrase: Love is blind.

You're better off finding someone who would care for, treat and think of you just the same as how you think, care for and treat him.. You're being in a one-way street in this relationship. It's not fair to you to keep trying when the other isn't giving any effort at all.

You know what to do.
 
nowadays im beginning to hate that im deaf because thats why he doesnt want to be with me anymore.. he was ok with it at first but i think he slowly started feeling awkward about it esp when he had to translate what i said in front of his friends and mum.. i wish i was hearing so we could be together... i dont wanna lose him ....
 
thanks deaf258, i know i should leave him but howw... i dont know how to move on! i feel like i cant trust any other guy anymore.. he promised me we would be together.. and now.. i know he wants to break up cos he cant cope with communication problems and deaf kids.. but he cant do it cos he feels really bad and sorry about it.. he just not saying it cos he is a good person.. i still love him... how to move on ???
 
confuzed1 said:
nowadays im beginning to hate that im deaf because thats why he doesnt want to be with me anymore.. he was ok with it at first but i think he slowly started feeling awkward about it esp when he had to translate what i said in front of his friends and mum.. i wish i was hearing so we could be together... i dont wanna lose him ....
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If he will not accept you for who you are, he is not worthy of your love. I know that's a difficult thing to understand, but it's true. But remember, even love isn't enough in a relationship--you need common values and common goals. Can you really have a long term relationship with someone who would hurt you like this?

You're very young yet. I think you should enjoy life a bit before even thinking to settle down which will give you time to find someone who loves you unconditionally.
 
Sound that your relationship with him is not good at all and it better be off with him..
 
confuzed1 said:
thanks deaf258, i know i should leave him but howw... i dont know how to move on! i feel like i cant trust any other guy anymore.. he promised me we would be together.. and now.. i know he wants to break up cos he cant cope with communication problems and deaf kids.. but he cant do it cos he feels really bad and sorry about it.. he just not saying it cos he is a good person.. i still love him... how to move on ???
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I know it's easier said than done. It is normal to feel hatred for yourself for being Deaf, but don't put yourself there! It's easier to move on by getting busy with work, hobbies, do things you enjoy doing and putting time in for yourself to heal. If you jump into another relationship right after a break up, you're not stable enough to continue another relationship. Treat yourself with love and respect first before you let others do the same for you, then you'll be okay!
 
Deaf258 said:
I know it's easier said than done. It is normal to feel hatred for yourself for being Deaf, but don't put yourself there! It's easier to move on by getting busy with work, hobbies, do things you enjoy doing and putting time in for yourself to heal. If you jump into another relationship right after a break up, you're not stable enough to continue another relationship. Treat yourself with love and respect first before you let others do the same for you, then you'll be okay!
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I agree with Deaf 258. It is not easy. I think to start off with getting yourself busy with new hobbies, activities and hang out with your friends. It is might be the best if you could start doing them now, so you could slowly leaving him.

I also agree with Deaf 258 about one way relationship, that's unhealthy. You want someone to love you back. You can't hold on him forever. He wouldn't be happy, neither will you. You love him enough to let him go and let him to be happy. I am sure he wants you to be happy too. You want someone to understand you who you are. You are deaf and you have a purpose to be deaf and you will find a way to seek your own happiness. As long as you take your time to seek and heal. Just go along with new things and accept the way it has to be. Just expect the unexpected things will come. It might not be good... it might be exciting... just take your time and be patience.

I never thought I would meet my husband. He is a miracle to me. I got married when I was 30. It is never too late. I love my marriage and our family.


Just hang in here, girl. *hugs*
 
Sorry to hear your relationship has been in shambles for some time now. If you love him enough then you have to let him go or he'll end up resenting you or vice versa.

Don't put yourself down for being deaf, he shouldn't have made you feel that way because he didn't put much effort in learning sign language and making accommodation for your needs.

Actually, what you need to do is to break up with him FIRST so that way you don't make it hard on yourself or him whenever he tries to break it off.

Like other said, go and develop new hobbies, go out with friends and focus on your career or whatever to keep your mind off the pain and him.
 
I agree with many other ADers...time to let him go. I know a few deaf women who are married to hearing men and very unhappy with them. Their hubbys promised them that they will learn sign while dating..never happened and now my friends and their hubbies are leading separate lives and are strangers to each other due to communication break downs. My friends want to leave their hubbies but their hubbies threatened them with full custody of their children if they leave them so it makes for a very tough situation for them.

Anyways..if this is happening now, imagine what would happen if u guys got married and have kids and he continues to behave like that? U will end up very miserable and resentful. Break it off now and focus on yourself.

U say that u hate being deaf cuz of him..that is not good at all cuz u are not feeling good about yourself and basing your views on yourself on him.

I have a hearing husband who learned sign language when he met me and he makes me feel very good about myself. My deafness is not an issue with us so u deserve a guy who can do the same for u. Heck, everyone deserves to be with someone who supports them!
 
Yep, that's why I would want my prospective hearing boyfriend or husband to learn sign language or he can hit the highway! Thus reducing the chance for communication breakdowns.
 
Miss-Delectable said:
Yep, that's why I would want my prospective hearing boyfriend or husband to learn sign language or he can hit the highway! Thus reducing the chance for communication breakdowns.
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I'm not even deaf and I'd want that. If someone wouldn't be willing communicate with my family, it says something to me about her.
 
confuzed1 said:
i am new here so hello to everyone. I have a very big problem that is killing me.

i am 23 with a 24yr old hearing bf. we been together for 2yrs now. everything was perfect at first (we had fun, and he started learning sign a bit). he promised me he would learn it and we were in love and planned to get married and have family together one day. Now he has totally changed and its killing me cos i just want to be with him forever.

for about 6months now we have been fighting a lot and he doesnt want to spend much time with me. i know he also feels awkward about me being deaf now. he never invites me to his family functions. i only met his mum and sister. he keeps telling me that we wont work out because he has issues to sort out. but i know he is just making excuses. I know he cares a lot about me and would never hurt me on purpose. I think he wants to break up with me but he doesnt want to hurt me cos he knows i cant live without him. He is moving to diff country in dec this year. He tried few times to break up with me but i made it hard for him.. i dont wanna lose him! i dont know what il do without him! he hasnt learnt sign either .. only knows abc... he keeps telling me that he doesnt deserve me cos he makes me cry and i would be happy with someone else.. he comes from well off family and he didnt even know about deaf culture cos no-one in his whole family or friends is deaf so i think he also has family pressure.. he also never invites me to his work parties and i know he also scared to have deaf kids.. he doesnt want that!...

i know you will all tell me to just dump him but how?!! i love him so much.. i want to marry him and wanted to have family with him.. i dont know how to let him go !! we also not american but from new zealand and he comes from diff background.. from a place where his whole community grew up not knowing about deaf culture so they not open minded like other places...

im sorry about this being so long but im sooo depressed.. i cant lose him! he was so perfect before!
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Hi, My husband is a hearing and I am deaf. We are married for 12 years. I met him first time, He didn't know sign language. He learned how sign before we become serious. We never let our deaf or hearing bother us. It s big challage. I made thread that I was going get divorce but We decide to work thing out and start over again. We know that our deaf or hearing don't effect our marriage because we have money issue, our personal issue and job issue. That all. Long story!!!!!!!

Honest, your boyfriend seem not want learn sign language, He is not right for you. My husband never being embrassing about my deafness. He still take me to his co worker's parties, his families, friends. I still take him to my families, friends. We told everyone that deaf and hearing human being are same but Love and Trust are most important. Love can make you or your man to willing to do anything. Your man dont love you enough so he dont take serious about sign language. Love and Trust !
 
It's time to move on, let him get on with his life. Enjoy life more, get your friends to go out clubbin or a girlie nights in ; pamper facial packs and bottle of wine would cheer you up in no time. The right guy will come to you one day.
 
I know that many hearing/deaf relationships aren't always successful, they end up unhappy and break up. One of my friend is deaf and wished she hasn't married a hearing guy in the first place because he's HEARING and she felt more comfortable being with deaf men than hearing men. The major part of it is communication and acceptance to each other. Many hearing folks aren't willing to learn the full potiential of sign language. Sorry, no offense to hearing people reading this post.
 
Well If Got Married With Hearing Person Be Sorry Im Married For 18 Years And My Wife Is Hearing Peron We Learn Only Proble Life If Both Deaf Married Betterknow Asl As My Wife Know Asl Full Not Esey And But Any Body Can Fool U Got Married No Heart
 
confuzed1 said:
i am new here so hello to everyone. I have a very big problem that is killing me.

i am 23 with a 24yr old hearing bf. we been together for 2yrs now. everything was perfect at first (we had fun, and he started learning sign a bit). he promised me he would learn it and we were in love and planned to get married and have family together one day. Now he has totally changed and its killing me cos i just want to be with him forever.

for about 6months now we have been fighting a lot and he doesnt want to spend much time with me. i know he also feels awkward about me being deaf now. he never invites me to his family functions. i only met his mum and sister. he keeps telling me that we wont work out because he has issues to sort out. but i know he is just making excuses. I know he cares a lot about me and would never hurt me on purpose. I think he wants to break up with me but he doesnt want to hurt me cos he knows i cant live without him. He is moving to diff country in dec this year. He tried few times to break up with me but i made it hard for him.. i dont wanna lose him! i dont know what il do without him! he hasnt learnt sign either .. only knows abc... he keeps telling me that he doesnt deserve me cos he makes me cry and i would be happy with someone else.. he comes from well off family and he didnt even know about deaf culture cos no-one in his whole family or friends is deaf so i think he also has family pressure.. he also never invites me to his work parties and i know he also scared to have deaf kids.. he doesnt want that!...

i know you will all tell me to just dump him but how?!! i love him so much.. i want to marry him and wanted to have family with him.. i dont know how to let him go !! we also not american but from new zealand and he comes from diff background.. from a place where his whole community grew up not knowing about deaf culture so they not open minded like other places...

im sorry about this being so long but im sooo depressed.. i cant lose him! he was so perfect before!
Click to expand...

Let me state the RED FLAGS:

he promised me he would learn it and we were in love and planned to get married and have family together one day. HE BROKE HIS PROMISE TO YOU.
HOW MANY MORE PROMISES WILL HE BREAK BEFORE YOU WAKE UP?

about 6months now we have been fighting a lot and he doesnt want to spend much time with me IT SHOWS NO UNITY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP ANYMORE. A SIGN TELLING YOU TO LEAVE. THIS IS NOT PEACE.

i know he also feels awkward about me being deaf now. he never invites me to his family functions. i only met his mum and sister. HE IS NOT PROUD OF YOU AND REFUSES TO LEARN SIGN LANGUAGE. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO SHOW YOU OFF.

he keeps telling me that we wont work out because he has issues to sort out. but i know he is just making excuses. I know he cares a lot about me and would never hurt me on purpose. I think he wants to break up with me but he doesnt want to hurt me cos he knows i cant live without him HE JUST TOLD YOU THE TRUTH... WHO IS SUPPRESSING THE TRUTH? YOU CANNOT FORCE HIM TO LOVE YOU. HE WILL LEAVE YOU EVENTUALLY.


He tried few times to break up with me but i made it hard for him.. i dont wanna lose him! i dont know what il do without him! ARE YOU TRYING TO CONTROL HIM? MANY PEOPLE THINK THEY CANT LIVE WITHOUT SOMEONE BUT THEY CAN... MANY SURVIVED. i THOUGHT I COULD NOT BUT YES I MADE IT.


he keeps telling me that he doesnt deserve me cos he makes me cry and i would be happy with someone else.. he comes from well off family and he didnt even know about deaf culture cos no-one in his whole family or friends is deaf so i think he also has family pressure.. he also never invites me to his work parties and i know he also scared to have deaf kids.. he doesnt want that!... YOUR RELATIONSHIP HAS ALREADY BEEN DOOMED. HE IS TELLING YOU BUT ARE YOU LISTENING? YOU NEED TO THANK HIM FOR THE TRUTH HE IS TELLING YOU. HE IS A GOOD MAN BUT HES NOT FOR YOU.


I am sorry for all this fact that is so obvious and glaring. As some others say it is a blind situation... yes it is. There are other men that are better than the one you are trying so desperate clinging onto.

Can I help you?

No one wants a desperate woman... can you believe in yourself that you will find a better person? Can you take time to find one man who will better love you and proudly stand by your side in family, work and friendly functions? desperate women are easily taken advantage of.

Wake up... it is better to get out of situation even if it temporarily hurt you than to stay in terrible situation permantly....

We are all here for you...
 
ok, it's seem hard for you,also i suggestion with you, would you have to happy with him,and maybe you can teach with him,or can u telling to him if want to learn about ASL? Then go to College, probably learn a quickly because if the person hearing can talk with him and same time talk and ASL will learn a quicky, Or if He doesn't know about the deaf Culture, maybe u should show the Deaf people a the view or Like something stuff, I also understand ur how feeling love with him, but i'm not sure if u feel good idea what talk to my suggestion for you.
 
Wow aren't you from Great Britian because Americans never say "mum" since we say mom.

My advice, you should get hook up with your British deaf friends and act like you are completely independent. Believe me he will chase you again and draw attraction back together. I think your "needy" are pushing him away.
 
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