Custodial Rights

G

Gemtun

Guest
For the past 5 years since our divorce, my ex and I have been alternating weeks in terms of having our girls. Thus, our girls have 2 seperate houses, rules, clothes, toys, etc.

Last night, my ex, I and our oldest had our first counseling session. It was a stunning experience. My oldest wants to live with me full time but my ex broke down. It was clear that he will not give up his rights. It was also clear that we will have an ugly battle on our hands if he refuse to give our oldest daughter what she craves. So I need to research more before making a final decision on whether to push for it or not.

I am wondering how you guys feel about every other week custody? Most divorced parents I know have custody rights in terms of 70/30, meaning one parent have kids on every other weekend, etc.

Im trying to find research that will help me decide if this custody we have been doing is really damaging our children or not. I have not met anyone with same custody plan like me and I fear for the emotional/mental well being of our girls.

I do realize that some states automatically grant custody rights to mother while other states weigh pros/cons carefully. Oregon is one of these states that believes in 50 - 50 but I am starting to wonder if it is really wise?

Your thoughts on this?
 
Meg, I believe most states allows a child who reaches a certain age such as 12 to 14 years old the benefit of stating or to have the desire to live with the other parent...and usually will go before a judge--I've seen several children back in my home state who have successfully made the switch without having the parents go through an uphill battle in court...so I'm wondering about your state and what age it is that a child can make that decision legally....Just a thought that perhaps you might have overlooked-- ;)
 
Roadrunner said:
Meg, I believe most states allows a child who reaches a certain age such as 12 to 14 years old the benefit of stating or to have the desire to live with the other parent...and usually will go before a judge--I've seen several children back in my home state who have successfully made the switch without having the parents go through an uphill battle in court...so I'm wondering about your state and what age it is that a child can make that decision legally....Just a thought that perhaps you might have overlooked-- ;)
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My girls are 9 and 8 so I got few years to go. But their self esteem are already damaged. I just wonder about the system because at first, I honestly thought 50 50 was a wonderful idea as the girls could have equal access to both of me and their dad. But now Im starting to doubt it.

On the side of coin, I do see fathers being deprived of having equal access. System is flawed, indeed :(
 
I feel sad after read your post, Meg.

Hold a minute. May I ask you something before I answer right one.

Do you and your ex take custody of 2 girls together?

Do your ex take full custody of 2 girls?

It sounds that your ex take custody of 2 girls. If yes, then your oldest daughter already stated at counselling that she want to live with you full time.

I beleive it´s good chance for you to have your girl back with counselling proof only IF your girl REALLY want to live with you to prove the court.

Better give your girl time until she is sure what she really want. If you said that your girl really want to live with you then check with your lawyer over custody rights and counselling etc.

I know lawyer advise cost money but it´s worth because of girls´s sake.

Yes, Roadrunner
It´s same in Germany, too. The judge let children decision what they want to live their mother or father. First of all judge apply child physicial and welfare to control the noticeable of children´s behavior then let them tell them what/how they feel for their parents....... then get result of children´s behavior then let children choose what they want live with their mother or father then judge decision.........

I hope my information helps, Meg.
 
State of Massachusetts, most of Family Courts the judges would ask the children in private room. The Judge will ask those children how do they feel about their Mom and Dad. The children will tell the Judge. Judge always respect children's feelings.

Children's counselor needs to testify during the trail. The judge will call the children into the private room. Judge will make final decison for the children because Judge is honor children !

Need to find another attorney and fight the case for your daughter's sake. I would not allow ex husband oppressive on me because I am Deaf. fuck him.. I would go to see another attorney to fight for daughter's right.
 
True, Sabrina!

Judge listen children and consider children´s feeling.
 
Sabrina said:
State of Massachusetts, most of Family Courts the judges would ask the children in private room. The Judge will ask those children how do they feel about their Mom and Dad. The children will tell the Judge. Judge always respect children's feelings.

Children's counselor needs to testify during the trail. The judge will call the children into the private room. Judge will make final decison for the children because Judge is honor children !

Need to find another attorney and fight the case for your daughter's sake. I would not allow ex husband oppressive on me because I am Deaf. fuck him.. I would go to see another attorney to fight for daughter's right.
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I understand but Im not interested in going to court. What Im trying to say is that I need research to back up for whether having 50 50 custody is better than 70/30 so I would feel validated in helping my girls speak up. But they do need their dad too.

I know that many single fathers who dont see their kids feel lost too. It just seems like it is not a win/win situation.

I dont want to be selfish and demand that my girls be with me when they could also benefit from their dad's fatherly nurturing, etc.

We did this 50 50 for past five years so I dont know if I should demand that we continue this or really listen to my girls ?
 
Liebling:-))) said:
I feel sad after read your post, Meg.

Hold a minute. May I ask you something before I answer right one.

Do you and your ex take custody of 2 girls together?

Do your ex take full custody of 2 girls?

It sounds that your ex take custody of 2 girls. If yes, then your oldest daughter already stated at counselling that she want to live with you full time.

I beleive it´s good chance for you to have your girl back with counselling proof only IF your girl REALLY want to live with you to prove the court.

Better give your girl time until she is sure what she really want. If you said that your girl really want to live with you then check with your lawyer over custody rights and counselling etc.

I know lawyer advise cost money but it´s worth because of girls´s sake.

Yes, Roadrunner
It´s same in Germany, too. The judge let children decision what they want to live their mother or father. First of all judge apply child physicial and welfare to control the noticeable of children´s behavior then let them tell them what/how they feel for their parents....... then get result of children´s behavior then let children choose what they want live with their mother or father then judge decision.........

I hope my information helps, Meg.
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We share EQUAL custody. Meaning I have my girls every other week. I dont have them this week but will get them back on Friday for my week then next Friday, my ex gets them for a week.

But can you imagine having 2 different houses, 2 different clothes/toys, etc???
 
wow.. i'm wondering about how going to school work?

anyway i believe each state is different like others said... if you don't want to go to court.. i believe u need to anyways since making a small change u must let the court know otherwise u also can get in trouble. maybe u and the father can just sit and talk and discuss what the thoughts are, making a change, and most important is having a written agreement or have u and the father go to court admission to sign the papers ( by agreeing no court is needed) however it might have a small cost to make a change but should be less than $100 and its much cheaper than having a real court.
hope this helps :D
 
DeafSCUBA98 said:
wow.. i'm wondering about how going to school work?

anyway i believe each state is different like others said... if you don't want to go to court.. i believe u need to anyways since making a small change u must let the court know otherwise u also can get in trouble. maybe u and the father can just sit and talk and discuss what the thoughts are, making a change, and most important is having a written agreement or have u and the father go to court admission to sign the papers ( by agreeing no court is needed) however it might have a small cost to make a change but should be less than $100 and its much cheaper than having a real court.
hope this helps :D
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I know youre a single dad yourself ...but dont you feel guilty that your kid doesnt see his mom as much as he sees you? Would you rather have 50 50 or 70/30 or what?

My ex and I live merely 3 miles apart so school is not a factor here. My ex also watches my girls for me on my weeks after school so I dont have to get daycare for them so its worked out perfectly in that aspect but my girls are TIRED of shuttling back and forth to live in 2 different houses, etc.
 
This is my opinion only, from my experience. It is not a judgment about any other person's decision.

When I was 12 years old, and my brother was 9 years old, my parents divorced. My dad asked us, who did we want to live with? He let us, the kids, decide. That was the worst moment of my life then. I felt that by deciding to go with one parent, I was "abandoning" the other parent. It was way too much responsibility to dump on a child. I felt very, very guilty about it as a child. Now that I look back, I know that it was wrong for my parents to put me and my brother in that situation.

I know other families (very close to me) that are divorced. The parents have 70/30 type arrangements. It is extremely confusing for the children. They have to adjust to different sets of rules, standards of living, and other family members, constantly. Kids need stability. The parent that is more materially "well-to-do" constantly uses that as a tool to denegrate the "poor" parent. The well-to-do parent keeps reminding the kids that "our house is bigger and better, and you have more toys here." Not a good situation.

Personally, I believe that any arrangement that is set up to meet the needs of the parents is not good. The arrangement should be set up to meet the needs of the child. If that situation is also good for the parents, that is just gravy.

IMHO
 
Reba said:
This is my opinion only, from my experience. It is not a judgment about any other person's decision.

When I was 12 years old, and my brother was 9 years old, my parents divorced. My dad asked us, who did we want to live with? He let us, the kids, decide. That was the worst moment of my life then. I felt that by deciding to go with one parent, I was "abandoning" the other parent. It was way too much responsibility to dump on a child. I felt very, very guilty about it as a child. Now that I look back, I know that it was wrong for my parents to put me and my brother in that situation.

I know other families (very close to me) that are divorced. The parents have 70/30 type arrangements. It is extremely confusing for the children. They have to adjust to different sets of rules, standards of living, and other family members, constantly. Kids need stability. The parent that is more materially "well-to-do" constantly uses that as a tool to denegrate the "poor" parent. The well-to-do parent keeps reminding the kids that "our house is bigger and better, and you have more toys here." Not a good situation.

Personally, I believe that any arrangement that is set up to meet the needs of the parents is not good. The arrangement should be set up to meet the needs of the child. If that situation is also good for the parents, that is just gravy.

IMHO
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Reba - thank you for responding.

Regarding the materially well off parent - you are correct. My ex often points that out while telling my girls they have a bigger house, big yard, own bedrooms, two exclusive memberships to 2 country clubs, etc. That was what he used to try to gain full custody last year but his attorney told him to drop his case at very last minute because I was not viewed as a neglient mother, etc.

However, to my surprise, he finally decided to let my girls speak up and that is what we are doing now. I am encouraging the girls to speak up but at the same time, they are afraid that he will retaliate.

Also I need to find some kind of research that will point out benefits of 50 50 opposed to 70 30 custodial plan.

Divorce really sucks ...Im a child of 4 divorces but my mother always had full custody of us, regardless of who she was married to. These fathers didnt want us anyway so this is unique to me, having an ex who cares that much about my girls as much as I do.
 
Same here, Reba, I and my brothers and sisters were caught in the same situation. During a knockout, drag-out fight my parents were having when I was ten, we were summoned to the kitchen table, and we were asked each in turn, If there was a divorce, who would we prefer to stay with, Mom or Dad?
It was a horrible time in my life, since I was so frustrated by the constant moves in geographical locations that comes with being an Air Force brat, and the best answer I could come up with was to bawl.

Sighhhh.

Leave the children out of it.
Settle it as adults, and I mean ADULTS.
 
Beowulf said:
During a knockout, drag-out fight my parents were having when I was ten, we were summoned to the kitchen table, and we were asked each in turn, If there was a divorce, who would we prefer to stay with, Mom or Dad?
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So what is the ideal answer? What would you have preferred back then?

Stay with one parent permanently and visit other parent or have 2 different homes that you go back and forth every other week?

That is what Im trying to figure out.
 
What I would have preferred back then made no difference, Meg.
My parents are still together.
But it messed me up.
hee hee
 
Beowulf said:
What I would have preferred back then made no difference, Meg.
My parents are still together.
But it messed me up.
hee hee
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Ahhhhhhhh ..no wonder youre messed up :P
 
I hate to repeat about my kids' dads.. but.. since they went through 70/30 .. we dont have problems.. its up to judge to make decisions which the best for kids to live with mother or dad.. if battles.. they will hire lien leu (sp) a person who works for judges.. come to your home and have visit with your kids and enviroment in your home.. and let judge know what kind you have.. (and dad too)..
there is no WIN-WIN case.. the kids see their dad every other weekends.. and taking turns on holidays.. like.. this year christmas is ours.. easter is his.. thanksgiving is our.. then next christmas is his.. so on.. in summer time..
depends to be flex and kids' activities.. and dont forget their friends too.. they get to see dad one week in June, July, & August (plus every other weekends too).. Labor weekends or MEA (school break) spring break.. memorial weekends.. be flex.. if want him have the kids or yours..

It called Joint Sole Custody.. means kids living with me.. but his dad still have rights to involve in kids lives.. like school meeting, dr, bills.. etc etc..

Meg....just my suggestions.. go talk to counselor to see what their opnions.. and its the best for the kids.. like your daughter said.. she wants to stay your place full time.. it didnt mean that she dont want see dad anymore..
but he still pick her up and bring to school or.. something like that.. and spend with dad on weekends.. (every other weekends or EVERY weekends).. but my oldest getting older.. she put limit.. she put her friends and family sports...

my other kids' dad.. lost the rights.. but still paying child support till the kids are 21.. what happen.. he wasnt following through what the judge wanted him to..

its hard.. but 50-50 are very stressful to the kids.. I know its nice but.. very stressful.. alot of my friends having that 50-50 for couple years.. noticed that kids are really out of control and self esteems are low.. so most of them change it to 70/30.. they got better and happier.. i know its hard for dad or mom to give up that part..

Think twice and think which are for the best to the kids.. not you or dad.. :dunno: sorry..

here my huggs.. meg.. :)
 
MsGiglz said:
I hate to repeat about my kids' dads.. but.. since they went through 70/30 .. we dont have problems.. its up to judge to make decisions which the best for kids to live with mother or dad.. if battles.. they will hire lien leu (sp) a person who works for judges.. come to your home and have visit with your kids and enviroment in your home.. and let judge know what kind you have.. (and dad too)..
there is no WIN-WIN case.. the kids see their dad every other weekends.. and taking turns on holidays.. like.. this year christmas is ours.. easter is his.. thanksgiving is our.. then next christmas is his.. so on.. in summer time..
depends to be flex and kids' activities.. and dont forget their friends too.. they get to see dad one week in June, July, & August (plus every other weekends too).. Labor weekends or MEA (school break) spring break.. memorial weekends.. be flex.. if want him have the kids or yours..

It called Joint Sole Custody.. means kids living with me.. but his dad still have rights to involve in kids lives.. like school meeting, dr, bills.. etc etc..

Meg....just my suggestions.. go talk to counselor to see what their opnions.. and its the best for the kids.. like your daughter said.. she wants to stay your place full time.. it didnt mean that she dont want see dad anymore..
but he still pick her up and bring to school or.. something like that.. and spend with dad on weekends.. (every other weekends or EVERY weekends).. but my oldest getting older.. she put limit.. she put her friends and family sports...

my other kids' dad.. lost the rights.. but still paying child support till the kids are 21.. what happen.. he wasnt following through what the judge wanted him to..

its hard.. but 50-50 are very stressful to the kids.. I know its nice but.. very stressful.. alot of my friends having that 50-50 for couple years.. noticed that kids are really out of control and self esteems are low.. so most of them change it to 70/30.. they got better and happier.. i know its hard for dad or mom to give up that part..

Think twice and think which are for the best to the kids.. not you or dad.. :dunno: sorry..

here my huggs.. meg.. :)
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Wow thanks!!! You answered my questions exactly. I was starting to realize that 50 50 is not successful but 70 30 is and you gave me perfect examples to back up my suspicions.

Thank you :ty: :hug:
 
I made that last post in humor, sort of, but believe me, I do not see a lot of humor in it.
I needed humor to survive after that, I do not care what anyone says, grrrr. I needed to build an iron skin, and the keyword is BUILD. That is totally unnecceasy. In retrospect, I can understand the frustrations my parents were going through--he was demanded to do extremely dangerous work, let's leave it at that, and Mom was stuck with five kids with hardly any budget. You have to keep in mind that the pay for the military was CRAP in those days.
Psychological problems galore.
It is a MIRACLE I still have all members of my family still alive today.

But anyway, Meg, getting back on topic...
I would not trust in my teenage judgement in retrospect, because during my teenage years I was, ummm, weird. Moody. Swing moods.
There was one time I held a shotgun one night and was ready to kill my dad if he came down to my room in the basement. That was how nuts I was.
The thing is, BE RESPONSIBLE.
They will pin it on you, if you are lucky.
Or unlucky.
Do it, Meg.
You are such an astonishingly beautiful and intelligent poster in here and you are not alone.
There, I yelled.
I know I made a fool of myself once again, and you know what?
I don't give a fying fluck as long as it it helps you.
Hugsss
 
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