Confused.

Phoenixfire139

Phoenixfire139

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I'm engaged to a hearing man who doesn't take the time to learn a few things in sign for me.

I'm falling for another hearing man who has been taking time out of his day to learn a few signs in case I don't catch what he's saying.

The hell am I supposed to do?
 
Follow your heart and MIND.. most of all, be honest with yourself and don't go into marriage just cause you have been with him. Better to end it or postpone it than to enter into marriage and be unhappy in future.
 
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It's just so hard because, what if this other man is just doing this to be nice? I don't want to get out of a mostly decent relationship for someone who is just trying to be a friend and nothing more. Hell, I decided to write a poem on what I'm feeling. This is just confusing me
 
I imagine that you are falling for this other guy because he's giving you the things that you are missing in your current relationship. You have options, you can tell your current that his lack of signing is alienating you and causing you to lose feelings for him. Or you can dump the current guy and go for the new guy.

A sad sad frequent occurrence is that the vast majority of heterosexual men will not learn ASL for their female partners. So this new guy may learn some sign as a means for the chase, but often will give up as time goes on. I've heard a lot of women with stories about their male partners outright refusing to learn sign. Sad. Women are much more likely to learn sign for a male partner.

Too bad you can't find a man who already signs.
 
Try thinking of it this way: with the way things are.... what if something happens to you? How will he know to help you? What if you had a very bad day, what do you usually do? Do you want to talk about it to your guy? What of something absolutely amazing happened? Would it kill your mood to stop, find pen/phone, and write?
Do you trust him?

Tell him your concerns. Follow your heart, don't worry too much over tiny details, and think about what would make you happy.
 
We talk about a lot of things. I speak to him and I have to sign at the same time for the most part. But, there are days where my hearing is gone in both ears and it could be 10, 12 hours before I can hear in my right ear again.

I have tried just texting him and he gets frustrated with me because it "takes too long for me to type". It's discouraging.

With my friend, I don't know what his game is but, whatever it is, so far... it's working to a degree. I've gone to him for more things that I can go to my own fiance for. It sucks but, I want things to work. I try to teach him, really I do. I have begged him to learn. The main question I always ask is, "What are you going to do when I am fully deaf in both ears?" He just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to whatever he's doing.

It truly makes me sad.
 
Ok, the guy you are engaged to is utterly self-centered and unconcerned with your emotional welfare, regardless of how you dress it up in your own mind. Let's suppose in 3 or 5 years you lose all your learning permanently. What would happen to the relationship given what you see now, not what you hope for?

Secondly, you seem to feel you will be lost without a partner- you don't want to give up a mediocre relationship unless you know for sure you will have another soon. Ask yourself, because only you can answer: Am I capable of making my own way in life? Can I support myself? Do I need to focus on making friends so I have a support base?
 
I agree. My sister, who is a psychologist, psycho-analyzed me. She says I'm co-dependent, which I completely agree with. I never had a good example of a healthy relationship growing up. I am going to save up for a car, and then I may just move out and be on my own. I'll still be with him, but I'll be alone. If I find that I'm doing better on my own, I'm going to permanently make it that way.

I have decided that if I'm going to be alone, then I'm going to be alone. I'd rather wait for someone to come along when the time is right and know that they are willing to learn a few things to stay with me. It's much better than being with someone, and them not caring that I need them to know at least a few things of ASL to better communicate with me.

Side note: We just came back from MN and my fiance's ears popped. He complained about not being able to hear out of one ear. I laughed and said now you know how I feel. He just griped and moaned about it until he got his hearing back. I told him, next time you want to complain to someone who only has hearing in one ear, make sure you choose your words wisely. LOL
 
If you have to ask yourself this very question.... Which guy makes me feel happier ? AND, if a guy doesnt want to learn sign language, that should raise a huge red flag. Just follow your head, not your heart, the heart can be deceived in so many ways. Use common sense and watch how they react toward you, who is more willing to communicate with you. Communication is key in a happy relationship.
 
Well, follow your heart before you commit, marriage is something you can't just walk away from. But be sure, otherwise, you will regret.
 
Well it's very hard to trust with hearing people as I seen lots ppl having problem I wish you best of luck and I rather deaf to deaf not hearing ..
 
Phoenixfire139 said:
I agree. My sister, who is a psychologist, psycho-analyzed me. She says I'm co-dependent, which I completely agree with. I never had a good example of a healthy relationship growing up. I am going to save up for a car, and then I may just move out and be on my own. I'll still be with him, but I'll be alone. If I find that I'm doing better on my own, I'm going to permanently make it that way.

I have decided that if I'm going to be alone, then I'm going to be alone. I'd rather wait for someone to come along when the time is right and know that they are willing to learn a few things to stay with me. It's much better than being with someone, and them not caring that I need them to know at least a few things of ASL to better communicate with me.

Side note: We just came back from MN and my fiance's ears popped. He complained about not being able to hear out of one ear. I laughed and said now you know how I feel. He just griped and moaned about it until he got his hearing back. I told him, next time you want to complain to someone who only has hearing in one ear, make sure you choose your words wisely. LOL
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I just read your posts and I am sure I am just a month late to reply. Haha. I read carefully and I feel you need to let go of the guy you were engaged of. He does not understand Deafness. That is one and other thing is that you realize that the other guy seem to take time to learn and listen and being there for you. I felt it is better for you to break off your engagement because this is taking long time for you to be with someone who is not showing. I know how you feel. My advice for you is you need to step back and take a good look at that man you are engaged to and break off. Learn from it and you need time for yourself to be independent, not dependent like your sister said. I know as a man that men do not like clingy women. They like hard to get type of woman and yet be independent but be equally yoked with the right man you will love.

I have written an e-book called, "Are You Sure" and its available online. It is about you need to know yourself and know what to look for and whom to look for a relationship and marriage. It is making sure you got the right person. That is what the book is about.

I can see you are a very attractive woman and oh, there are plenty of nice gentlemen out there who will love you for who you are even love you that you are Deaf and be willing to live, sleep, talk like a Deaf person if the right man is hearing. You will be fine. I know in this day and age not much real nice men with good chivalry out there. Very few good ones. Even if there is a hearing man out there with chivalry and willing to live in Deaf world and yours too. Have confident there is one. Maybe you should look for a male CODA or male interpreters out there who might fit in your life. It is far better than the one who says he is willing to learn ASL because I have seen that often in my church ASL classes women stays in but men quit. Really.
 
Well! It's been a while since I've been on here! So, here's an update:

1) The fiance and I are no more. We broke it off and I am much happier now.
2) The guy who was willing to learn; I told him about my crush but, I also told him I think I was only attracted to him because he was giving me the attention that I was yearning for.
3) There is someone I'm talking to. He might not be HoH or Deaf but, he's compassionate and knows a few signs. Haha. :)

Thank you. Everyone. You've all been so kind and helpful. It makes me tear up knowing that this community is so tight knit and there for each other. <3 <3 <3 <3

You are all the best! <3
 
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