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Oh, and I have provided a transcript. I hope it is accurate enough.
t's Chelsea Lately...
Tonight, the paparazzi's back on Brit patrol. Paris Hilton's movie premiere. Heidi takes on the haters. Plus, country music star Dirks Bentley. And now give it up for Chelsea Handler. *audience cheering*
Chelsea: Hello everybody, let's you hello... Starring in his own one |man show called Catastrophe,
opening tomorrow night| at the Steve Allen theater, please welcome Scott Thompson to the show. Self-tanning advocate |Heather McDonald is here. And somebody you can catch at Laugh Factory all weekend long,
Actor and comedian Tony Rock is with us. And say hello to nugget Chuy, Hi Chu. Chuy... Chuy, your mustache... First of all, I like your gold chain. I like your bling. |-Thank you. But your mustache looks a little bit lighter... Is it lighter?
Chuy: Well, I wanted to look like Ryan Seacrest. Chelsea: Okay, well, first of all he doesn't have a mustache, and he doesn't wear that chain|-The body. You wanna look the body? So what're you gonna do? Chuy: Workin' out... Chelsea: You guys don't have the same body, that's not a compliment to Ryan Seacrest. At all, okay let's talk |about Brittany everybody.-That's right. She's- Shut Up Chuy. Let's talk about Brittany. Just kidding, nugget, |I love you, but seriously shut up. Brittany was released yesterday from the hospital yesterday as we all know. The paparazzi went crazy.|They followed her. She went to the Beverly Hills Hotel. They followed her- if you saw the over head shot from the helicopters. It was like OJ, okay,
Chasing her in- and they were like attacking her car. It was like going |through the safari at 6 flags. It was like monkeys attacking the car. It was like "who are you?" And then she's like "hey..." Scott: Good thing she didn't have her sunroof down, because |the monkeys can get through there and attack you. I know. One of them's name is Adnon. But it's bad out there. |It's bad like when you
live in California. |You have this kind of mayhem happening. |It's like an Amber Alert. It's like a Brittany Alert. You're on the 405. Don't get off on Ventura. She's there... Heather: It's like people |don't understand what it's like to be in LA. Brittany is like our Hurricane Katrina. And who is at fault|for the levies breaking. Is it her Mom, her dad, *inaudible*, President Bush. Michael Moore's gonna get on this,
like what is the deal. Scott: Aren't you sad you |aren't caught up in it? like I go to Rite Aid all the time, and I've run into her. |It pisses me off. Tony: It's sad, it's sad. It's just too much. It's not even funny anymore. Chelsea: It's not funny... Tony: We all know how this is gonna end. It's gonna end with a car crash or she's gonna OD somewhere and her sisters gonna take her title.
Scott: It's the writer's strike, cuz people have- they don't have like television to watch, so we're|TMZ and Perez Hilton are exploding because- Heather: Her getting out of the mental hospital has put the paparazzi back to work and in essence their putting money |back into the economy and they're buying coffee and gas and water. Chelsea: She's her own economy. Heather: We just can't afford to lose another industry to Canada. We cannot. LA is suffering. Chelsea: You are very, very right Heather. *inaudible* economic stimulus|for the George Bush campaign. Okay, so Paris Hilton update everybody. The Hottie and the Naughty |is premiering this weekend.
I suggest you go see Tony Rock| perform at the Laugh Factory.
Even if you live in New Jersey, okay? She had the premiere the other night in Hollywood and tens of people showed up.
Marla Mables was there. Miss Usa was there wearing her shash. This is going to be a fabulous movie. Entertainment weekly gave it a D+.
Heather: Well she's such an amazing comedien, I'm just surprised it's not doing better. She cracks me up every time. You're a big Paris Hilton fan, aren't you Tony? Tony: I am not. I saw the video tape, and she didn't even have a good sex scene in her own porno.
I'm not a fan at all. Chelsea: Who knew the Sex Tape| was the apex of her career? Who knew that was her shining day where everything was going well? Some people are accusing her of being a lesbian. She's having a rough couple of weeks: She got kicked off the stage by 50 Cent at the Super Bowl, he's like "get off the fucking stage..." Then she got banned from *inaudible* Hotel at the Rose Bar in NY City,
and now people are accusing her of being a lesbian
so she's going to do a guest star on the L Word after she denied she's a lesbian. Why? What are you doing? Scott: I don't think she's a lesbian because 50 Cent wouldn't kick her off the stage if she were a lesbian.
Tony: You know its bad when a rich black guy doesn't want a white girl on stage. |-Exactly.
Scott: And not into girl-on-girl action; that's bad. Chelsea: I love the L Word. I can't wait to see her on it.
You watch the L Word. Heather: Well I watch it all the time. I'm married. I'm not gay, |but truth be told if the show was
on 15 years ago, my life |could have gone a different way. That is like some hardcore stuff.
But I love it, I watch it every Sunday. I don't like every character in it. Like Marlee Matlin is on it and I don't like the part she plays.
She's so argumentative with her lover. She's always like "Ben, I don't wanna get a new house." "I wanna go to the party, and go dancing,
listen to the DJ." "This is a relationship. It's give and take." "Afterwards I kiss your boobie. Why you always mad?" Chelsea: That is very, very funny Heather. Heather: I told you I watch it all the time. Chelsea: Heather and I are going on a little lovers adventure together.
Her lover, her boyfriend, or husband I guess. Heather: It's my husband. Chelsea: And my boyfriend. We're calling it a "swingers weekend".
We'll see what happens. I've been watching a lot of the L Word, so we might just swing into the weekend. We're gonna come back for another round table because we have so much news. And we're gonna talk about Heidi Montag and jackass Spencer Pratt.
Guy: I was telling you off camera about the Porn Convention that is going on.
Chelsea: I'm sure they timed that perfectly, because you know the Grammy's and the Porn Convention. Because you know Musicians never like porn stars. I love when these pageant girls snap because they train so hard in how they walk and talk and all of a sudden the just lose their marbles and go ape *bleep*.
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