Boyfriend's family

Moon-child

Moon-child

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So, I am sure this is not a new topic, just one that comes up now and again. My b/f is upset again that I did not want to go swimming with him and his daughter (without contacts I can't see and without my h/a I can't hear, I also hate swimming). He feels that I have an excuse for every family gathering and rarely go to them. His family is crazy and fun, there are usually about 12 people including young children in a one bedroom apartment....very loud and yup, I am isolated due to my lack of hearing. His family now thinks I don't like them. So, my b/f says he will no longer invite to these gatherings (which I have mixed feelings about)and will just invite me to x-mas and his b-day celebration. He also is now refusing to come to my family gatherings, which are stressful and forced and boring (who can blame him).

I am not sure how I am feeling about this all. We have been seeing each other for 5 years now. I have made it very clear that I do not want to remarry or live together and he is in agreement. He has sole custody of his daughter and we both work, so the time we do get together is quite special and meaningful. But I am confused as to what I want, I feel more and more isolated as my hearing goes from severely to profoundly very rapidly....and I feel unsupported...but I also feel relief that I don't have to go to his family stuff often. We half seriously joke that when are children grow up and move out we will but a duplex for us. We are very much in love and very committed but our children's lives and families lives do not fit together at all.

I am not even sure what my question is, I guess I am just looking to express myself and would gladly hear any feedback or opinions or shared experiences, I just feel conflicted and confused.
 
I have felt left out at times, but I go to all family gatherings, and I usually manage to have a good time.

One on one time with several people at a gathering works well for me.

I must admit I am cheerful today, and another day I might say how awful.
 
I just keep busy working in the kitchen or doing 1X1 with the kids, but I feel ignored by the adults, and hear so little of their conversations that anything I say is almost out of context.
 
Your boyfriend seems family orientated. They have constant gatherings, everyone likes to talk; multiple events?

I guess he cannot place himself in your shoes to see how it is really like? Does he know about how much you can see or hear?

At family gatherings for me, there is not much difference. I can get along with the crowd, but when speaking to me directly the questions/conversations are usually plain Jane.

"
Hi, how are you. What did you get to do recently? Did you see the news? What did you think about American Idol's contestant? Cousin Joe bought a turtle. J is getting divorced.
"

It's conversations that are of hearing world that mean little interest (to me) because some of us do not constantly keep up with these things, nor even do them. I am not really interested in TV to pass time, I am not a big fan of sports, it does not match up. My ideas of interacting are about something interesting and mind stimulating topics.
So when the gatherings are too close together, it feels repetitive of the same old thing again.

Does he know why you feel isolated? Misunderstood?
I used to prefer the company of a few close friends compared to a truckload of 10+, the situations are different to me. Some of my friends are gone now but alas such is life.

There was a (hearing) relationship between an old friend of mine and a guy she's been seeing through med. school. They ended it due to family differences, the boyfriend would prefer his family's events over his girlfriend's and she felt that this was unfair. As that he preferred to spend the holidays/events with his family instead of with her alone or her family.
 
Moon-child said:
I just keep busy working in the kitchen or doing 1X1 with the kids, but I feel ignored by the adults, and hear so little of their conversations that anything I say is almost out of context.
Click to expand...

On that I sympathize and I don't participate in group conversations. I have always had a bad hearing loss, and I socialize mainly with my family.

And as I am quite old, they have lots of experience and adapt to my needs. I just do conversations with one at a time.

I enjoy my Blackberry and PSP for times when no one is talking to me. :)
 
Right now, iam at my in laws and as usual, I am lost and left out so I get on my pager to check AD and FB to kill time. I stopped figthting with my hubby about his family not making the little effort required so I could fit in cuz it hasn't solved the problem. I also brought my lesson plan book so I can plan my lessons for the week. Instead of sitting there grinning like a fool, I being stuff that r productive and will keep me busy. It works. :)

Maybe u can do that?
 
Thanks guys. To answer some questions, yes, my b/f is very family oriented. I don't watch any tv or see many movies, I don't do sports either. I despise gossip and most of what they talk about I either disagree with or just don't care. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people, but I have little in common with them. I don't have a cellphone/blackberry thing. He knows why I feel isolated and says he understands but still gets mad at me for not wanting to go, can he ever really understand, even with ear plugs in he hears better than I do, there is no way for him to understand? I don't know, I was married for 20 years before and I spent 20 years with my hubbies family events almost weekly , a family who mumbles and had no trouble ignoring me sitting there zoned out or smiling stupidly. Maybe I have no tolerance left ya know. I don't want to be excluded but at the same time I am tired of pretending that I am having fun and wanna be there. They think I hate them now anyway, or lat least that is what the b/f says, why they think I don't show up more often. shel, is it worth it? Is it worth going?

the b/f and i typically do our seperate families for the holidays and that is fine with us, we do make a point of seeing each others families, but like on x-mas morning he takes his daughter to his folks and I take my son to my family, this is ok with both of us. the families don't seem to think we are serious or committed because we don't want to marry or move in with each other....we don't fit the typical relationship model ya know, that is ok with us too. but to pull back even more and not do any family gatherings but once or twice a year, I have to figure out how important that is to me.....and that he gets mad at me while he says he understands, I dunno.....makes me feel sad and somewhat manipulated.

Will it do damage to our relationship not to include each others families, I dunno. these are the questions I am thinking about right now, lots of questions and no answers so far.
 
i do feel left out in family events only i do was being on my laptop rather be with my family. thou i don't have a guy but only my mother hates what i do but i can't help it being left out she not understand how i feel she never understand to be in my shoes and hearing NOTHING.
 
Wow! 20 years of putting up with it...no wonder u feel the way u do. Hmmm...I guess I have only been putting up with it for 4 years now as my ex hubby's family was awesome with making sure I understood what everyone was saying and etc so I had no problems with them. I wonder after 20 years with my current hubby's in laws, I will feel the way u do?
 
Maybe what some of us are really looking for at family gatherings is another family member, cousin, or friend who understands us? Then when we realize they aren't there, we get tired of the search.

One that shares the same views, way of life, viewpoints and understands. Ones that will keep us anticipated going to the events. We keep looking for them in our family members but it is rare to find "your type".

Am I right or wrong?
 
naisho said:
Maybe what some of us are really looking for at family gatherings is another family member, cousin, or friend who understands us? Then when we realize they aren't there, we get tired of the search.

One that shares the same views, way of life, viewpoints and understands. Ones that will keep us anticipated going to the events. We keep looking for them in our family members but it is rare to find "your type".

Am I right or wrong?
Click to expand...

That kind of understanding and acceptance is not naturally occurring. It must be created. Sometimes we are successful in creating it, sometimes we aren't, depending upon the receptiveness to change in the other person.
 
I wonder; is he hearing? It seems as though that is the case. I think this is a case of him letting his hearing life loose for a short time. I see no reference to whether or not he deals with any other deafs. How well does he sign? I understand this situation very well. I am LDA, so people that knew me before my loss assume I am the same way I used to be; hearing and oral. Now that I'm not, they, along with most people in my world, have a hard time knowing how to "deal" with me and my impairment. Many choose the easy way out, which is to say hello and avoid me. Looks like there are many good suggestions here for you. I don't think your BFs assumption that you never want to do family things with his family is completely unfounded. Some people would create situations that made the events unpleasant; thereby finding a way out of them. I would do likewise, if the situation was similar to yours. It is their loss.
 
My b/f is hearing and is his family, my son, my family. His signing is horrible, and mine isn't great either. We took a sign course together once, but did not finish the course, we opted to go make love instead, pathetic I know but true. My fault really, I made the suggestion. We get such little time together. He knows know other deafies, and actually neither do I. Such is my recent goal to attend more sign classes and make an effort to gain a balance between hearies and deafies.

Thanks for all these responses, I have some things to consider now. We can't choose our families or his family, they are who they are. I am who I am, and am reaching a point where I am actually ready to make a step into a world recently unknown to me, the deafies!! As i have said, I grew up not knowing I wasn't hearing, thought I was an alien. And I haven't been involved with the deaf culture in any way, didn't even know it existed until a few years ago, and never knew I could be apart of it as I am not toally deaf. Ignorant I know, but true. Since spending time here, especially since my recent return, I am becoming aware of so much more about myself, the culture, the choices I can make to influence my connections to others....all I can say is thankyou, I am learning and processing alot right now.
 
For your family and b\f's family, the question is did they bother to learn to sign ASL or English Exact sign language so that they can communicate with you? You have a relationship with your b\f for 5 years and no sign language to help you understand what hearing members of the family are saying. I don't know how long you have lost your hearing before you become severly profound deaf. Also, I don't know if you are ASL literate. If you don't want ASL, then the best way to do is to use pen/pencil and papers for them to write down the conversation. I always use pen and papers to ask them what are they are saying as they are not interest in sign language. I am pretty much isolate myself when I am around hearing people. So try the pen and paper method so that you can get some conversation going for you. You will probably feel relieve to know what anyone close to you say. Hope that help. :fingersx:
 
I was born severely deaf, no one realzied this until my ex when I was 19 years old said to me to go see an audiologist cause he didn't think I was hearing him. I went to an audiologist and she was floored that I had made it through life without hearing much. I realzied for the first time that I was not an alien, I was a deaf human, and puzzle pieces of my life sllwly fell into place. Long story, I could go on and on but you get the jist.

These last 6 months or so my hearing has taken a rapid decline and am entering the profoundly deaf level....harder and harder to fit in, even harder to pretend I can hear, which I try not to do but end up doing more than I want. No, they have not tried to learn any sign, his family I mean, I don't think they understand how hard of hearing I am ya know. They just think I am a quiet, use my hearing as an excuse, and don't like them. My b/f speaks to me well, clear and to my face and always close to me, often right into my ear, he does so well in this regard. But more and more recently, when I ask him to repeat himself he just says "never-mind, or nothing". Gawds I am complaining and ranting alot these last couple of days. I am normally quite happy go lucky, believe it or not. but I cannot go into that comfort place of denial, I feel like I have to figure out some answers to live my life freely and with conscious choices ya know. I spend my whole childhood in isolation, and have never really fit in with the hearing culture and am only realizing that there are other choices I can make (learning sign and finding my place in the deaf culture. I am no where near asl literate, but my son is interested in taking course with me, i think this is a goal for my next pay cheque.

Paper and pen, when 11 people are talking and laughing at once, ok, it is worth a try, I don't mean to sound pessimistic but I am just fearful that no one will slow down enough to include me. Worth a try, thanks, having a hard couple of days, will bounce back.
 
My two cents...

I think you need time to adjust to your hearing quickly getting worse. I think your bf needs to back off a little bit and give you time. If you can stand it, it'd be worth trying to go to his family gatherings and spending time in the kitchen making food, etc. and talking to one person at a time. But it sounds like there are a lot of people in a tiny space, that would make me uncomfortable too-a separate issue from trying to understand people.

What it comes down to is you need to do what's best for YOU. If it means losing a bf, no matter how much you are in love or how long you've been together, it's YOU that's most important. If he truly loves you, he'll be patient.
 
flyingace, thankyou for your insight. I am going to see a counsellor today, haven't been to one for years. I am feeling scared and alone, feelings quite foreign to me as I am a independent strong single Mom....and I do not want to slip into denial, I want to take care of myself as well as I take care of all those around me. Also need to meditate, calm the internal chatter so I can see things from a more emotionally detached view point. Thankyou for your posts everyone, Moon~child
 
What a hard time you must be having Moon Child, I am sorry. I know how hard it is to be at large family gatherings and have everyone laughing and talking around you while you just sit there smiling blankly and not being able to follow the conversation and no one seems to care that you are not able to follow the conversation. I think that is what hurts the most...that these people are suppose to care about you...that your BF is suppose to care about you and he simply does not blink an eye that you are struggling to follow what the people around you are saying.

My husband is hearing and when we were dating it was really tough for him at first to adapt. My first impression on my mother in law was just awful, she though I was stuck up and rude because I did not talk very much. That set the tone for a hard relatioship with my mother in law and to this day 15 years later I have never really felt very accepted by her.
My husband eventually realized I was not being quiet because I was shy or stuck up but mainly because I could not follow five different people talking at once especially since when there are large groups, talking people tend to look in different directions and turn their heads away which made it impossible for me to read their lips. When it dawned on my husband what was happening it was then that he made an effort to include me, he would stay by my side and fill me in if he noticed I missed something.

This did not happen overnight, in fact it did not really happen until we had been married for close to five or six years. I think my husband is still learning even today.

And I don't blame you for hating swimming. I hate swimming too and I can see perfectly, I just hate not being able to hear in the water.
 
Moon - child I find that an amazing and sad account of how you found out that you was deaf, and I wish that things from now on will only get better for you.
 
Moon-child,

As a hearing person, new to the Deaf Community, and just learning ASL I have actually had the tables turned when attending a local Deaf Event. It was a very humbling experience for me to sit in a room with a group of people who were communicating, laughing, having a good time and I was...just sitting there.

That experience, while uncomfortable, provided me with a whole new in-sight into the Deaf World. It actually gave me the opportunity to feel the isolation that I am sure you are feeling at family functions with your b/f's family. Ironically, this experience actually helped me when participating in future Club events that I have attended, including a bowling tournament that I bowled in. I bowled terrible, but had a great time.

Do you have a Deaf Club in your area? Perhaps, in addition to your coming to terms with your deafness by going to counseling, your b/f could attend an event with you to also experience what it is like for you everyday.
 
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