Beegone

[DragonYoga]

OK! I'll do an "in-line" critique to make it easier for the two of us. I have some experience critquing from scribophile.com (you should probably consider joining that site - it is excellent). Text in red & bold are my comments.

FIRST...I *LOVE* it!!! I do want to read some more! Second, I'm noticing some purple prose. I think the extra description could be eliminated, to make the text tighter and smoother. One tip off that it's purple prose is when the description distracts from the story. And the first sentence is the PERFECT example...

 

[Chase]

Dragonyoga, thanks loads for the terrific line-by-line. You caught some new things needing to be reworked, as well as confirmed other critics here. Fantastic.

Ha ha ha, I like the purple prose definition. It goes double for this first-person narration of a bee farmer. He’s smart, quite well-read as farmers in Oregon tend to be, but his diction is more colloquially rural, as most Oregon farmers I’ve seen when among peers. They may know better grammar, but they seldom use in informal conversation--which this narrative is.

For that reason, I have to go with terms like “sure” in his narration and dialogue and save terms like “certainly” for the narration and dialogue of others characters. The same with putting the more correct “ly” ending on adverbs. Folks drop them a lot around here. As you say, it’s purposefully stylistic, but you only have one short chapter to go on. Good criticism.

Beowulf (the Old English name for bear, bee-wolf ) introduces a character of sorts. Bears are the major enemies of bees, because they’re so destructive when taking honey. Unfortunately, the term for a grown male bear is “boar” and the female is “sow.” Webster: “a) an adult female pig b) an adult female of certain other mammals, as the bear.” I’m kind of stuck with that.

The exclamation in the dialogue is correct, just not seen a great deal these days. So I may change it to blend in with more common modern use. Just so you know, the period is the only end mark changed to a comma in dialogue breaks. The question mark and exclamation are retained. The following examples are from Chicago Manual of Style, but other manuals for U.S. publications agree: “The ship . . . Oh, God . . . it’s sinking!” cried Henrietta (5.12), and “Don’t be absurd!” said Henry (10.24).

Those and all the other critiques are golden . . . er . . . chocolate to me. Everything--but I particularly like the caution against having a deaf-from-birth man discuss things like tenor and bass. That bit of description definitely has to be saved for a hearie character. That's exactly the stuff I need from AllDeaf critics.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can’t wait to get to re-writes.

 

[dreamchaser]

Dragonyoga, thanks loads for the terrific line-by-line. You caught some new things needing to be reworked, as well as confirmed other critics here. Fantastic.

Ha ha ha, I like the purple prose definition. It goes double for this first-person narration of a bee farmer. He’s smart, quite well-read as farmers in Oregon tend to be, but his diction is more colloquially rural, as most Oregon farmers I’ve seen when among peers. They may know better grammar, but they seldom use in informal conversation--which this narrative is.

For that reason, I have to go with terms like “sure” in his narration and dialogue and save terms like “certainly” for the narration and dialogue of others characters. The same with putting the more correct “ly” ending on adverbs. Folks drop them a lot around here. As you say, it’s purposefully stylistic, but you only have one short chapter to go on. Good criticism.


Beowulf (the Old English name for bear, bee-wolf ) introduces a character of sorts. Bears are the major enemies of bees, because they’re so destructive when taking honey. Unfortunately, the term for a grown male bear is “boar” and the female is “sow.” Webster: “a) an adult female pig b) an adult female of certain other mammals, as the bear.” I’m kind of stuck with that.

The exclamation in the dialogue is correct, just not seen a great deal these days. So I may change it to blend in with more common modern use. Just so you know, the period is the only end mark changed to a comma in dialogue breaks. The question mark and exclamation are retained. The following examples are from Chicago Manual of Style, but other manuals for U.S. publications agree: “The ship . . . Oh, God . . . it’s sinking!” cried Henrietta (5.12), and “Don’t be absurd!” said Henry (10.24).

Those and all the other critiques are golden . . . er . . . chocolate to me. Everything--but I particularly like the caution against having a deaf-from-birth man discuss things like tenor and bass. That bit of description definitely has to be saved for a hearie character. That's exactly the stuff I need from AllDeaf critics.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can’t wait to get to re-writes.

Hey there Chase. I am amazed to know that bears are such enemies to the bee. It makes perfect sense now, but I don't think the average person is aware of that. Maybe you can add a sentence to enlighten your readers to why it is important if there is a bear in the area and also to educate them a little about the name. I only guessed about a sow being a reference to a female bear, but possibly the general audience would think you were referring to a pig. There is nothing wrong with educating your audience a little about these tidbits. I love it when I glean a little knowledge from fiction. Rock on my friend... Jeanie... still chasin the dream for a better tomorrow for ALL!

 

[dreamchaser]

Dragonyoga, thanks loads for the terrific line-by-line. You caught some new things needing to be reworked, as well as confirmed other critics here. Fantastic.

Ha ha ha, I like the purple prose definition. It goes double for this first-person narration of a bee farmer. He’s smart, quite well-read as farmers in Oregon tend to be, but his diction is more colloquially rural, as most Oregon farmers I’ve seen when among peers. They may know better grammar, but they seldom use in informal conversation--which this narrative is.

For that reason, I have to go with terms like “sure” in his narration and dialogue and save terms like “certainly” for the narration and dialogue of others characters. The same with putting the more correct “ly” ending on adverbs. Folks drop them a lot around here. As you say, it’s purposefully stylistic, but you only have one short chapter to go on. Good criticism.


The exclamation in the dialogue is correct, just not seen a great deal these days. So I may change it to blend in with more common modern use. Just so you know, the period is the only end mark changed to a comma in dialogue breaks. The question mark and exclamation are retained. The following examples are from Chicago Manual of Style, but other manuals for U.S. publications agree: “The ship . . . Oh, God . . . it’s sinking!” cried Henrietta (5.12), and “Don’t be absurd!” said Henry (10.24).

Those and all the other critiques are golden . . . er . . . chocolate to me. Everything--but I particularly like the caution against having a deaf-from-birth man discuss things like tenor and bass. That bit of description definitely has to be saved for a hearie character. That's exactly the stuff I need from AllDeaf critics.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Can’t wait to get to re-writes.

Forgot to mention: I agree with you over the dialect question. I can attest to the authenticity of the farmers in the area and their informalness in casual conversation. I think to represent it in any other way would water down your character's personality. I can actually see the guy in my mind because of his choice of words. I am curious though, are you going to give any background on the character's ability to speak so well? If he was born Deaf, how did he learn speech? Is his speech clear? Did he attend an oralist school? Some areas of the conversation seemed to be very normal an unhindered. I am also in agreement that the character can't be too concerned with the masculine tone of his voice, for how can he know about the way it sounds. Maybe he would be more worried about the preciseness of his diction more than the tone, especially if he were trying to impress a pretty lady. Don't Deaf people worry that they pronunciate correctly, thus their speech sometimes comes out measured. ???? I really don't know the answers to these questions, and maybe your readers would learn a little bit about the Deaf experience if you expounded just a little. Of course, I have no clue how you would do that without disrupting the flow of your story, but then, that is why you are publishing books... and I'm not...

Hey, did I mention you rock?

 

[Chase]

Thanks. I used to rock, but now I mostly pebble.

Good ideas. I was kind of hoping since a bear is in the topic sentence and pigs aren't mentioned in the short paragraph that folks unfamiliar with the other meaning might kind of catch on anyway. I'll try out another way to imply it. However, this is just a hint about Beowulf the rogue black bear. Can't squeeze everything into the first two chapters, and Beowulf will appear later with a bigger part.

Both you and Dragonyoda are right--gotta work on the dialogue of a guy totally deaf from birth and let it follow better logic. These are all priceless helps.

 

[DragonYoga]

Chase,

You are SO welcome! I had fun, and thank you for your explanations. I learned something new today!

I cannot WAIT to read more!

As a fellow writer, my advice is to finish writing the story first before rewriting or you'll never finish.

Edited to add - why not say "she-bear"? That would create less confusion for those of us who don't know sows are bears too!

...sows are bears too? somehow that's ringing SO wrong... :-P

 

[dreamchaser]

Thanks. I used to rock, but now I mostly pebble.

Good ideas. I was kind of hoping since a bear is in the topic sentence and pigs aren't mentioned in the short paragraph that folks unfamiliar with the other meaning might kind of catch on anyway. I'll try out another way to imply it. However, this is just a hint about Beowulf the rogue black bear. Can't squeeze everything into the first two chapters, and Beowulf will appear later with a bigger part.

Both you and Dragonyoda are right--gotta work on the dialogue of a guy totally deaf from birth and let it follow better logic. These are all priceless helps.

YOu are right that Bear was the topic sentence, but most readers, reading for pleasure don't parse these things. You also went on to note other animals, such as the racoon and deer, so it might logically follow that a sow was just another of those animals... Er UH,, Pebble On Dude... Gots to luv the sense of humor you share... YOU have put a smile in my heart from our first introduction, and you have never failed to sense. GEEEZ, ya scared me to death,,, "Sorry to embarras you even more.... we don't accept old people in AD" ,, teeeeeheeeee, my heart dropped until I realized you were joking! Very effective. OH I get it that Beowolf will develop later in the story, but if he is kind of a minor character, is it wrong to at least let folks know what his species is here? I am asking, cuz I don't know, not because I am suggeting something. Exposition,, where the characters are defined, is there any real rule about that? Being that this a book and not a very short story, I wonder when and how characters are introduced? I am in my first first fiction writing class now (ENG 104 + WR123) for about 3 weeks, and it is all new to me. Dang this is exciting for me....

 

[DragonYoga]

YOu are right that Bear was the topic sentence, but most readers, reading for pleasure don't parse these things. You also went on to note other animals, such as the racoon and deer, so it might logically follow that a sow was just another of those animals... Er UH,, Pebble On Dude... Gots to luv the sense of humor you share... YOU have put a smile in my heart from our first introduction, and you have never failed to sense. GEEEZ, ya scared me to death,,, "Sorry to embarras you even more.... we don't accept old people in AD" ,, teeeeeheeeee, my heart dropped until I realized you were joking! Very effective. OH I get it that Beowolf will develop later in the story, but if he is kind of a minor character, is it wrong to at least let folks know what his species is here? I am asking, cuz I don't know, not because I am suggeting something. Exposition,, where the characters are defined, is there any real rule about that? Being that this a book and not a very short story, I wonder when and how characters are introduced? I am in my first first fiction writing class now (ENG 104 + WR123) for about 3 weeks, and it is all new to me. Dang this is exciting for me....

Introduce characters SLOWLY. Add the main characters one or two at a time, let the reader get to know them, then add someone else. Too many amateur writers add a whole bunch at the same time, and it only serves to create confusion for the reader.

Also, DON'T switch names. If you introduce a character as Bob, then switch to Robert, it again will confuse the reader. Keep with ONE name for the character. Unless, of course, it's part of the story - like being in a witness protection program or switching identities. Otherwise, it's a big no-no.

 

[dreamchaser]

Introduce characters SLOWLY. Add the main characters one or two at a time, let the reader get to know them, then add someone else. Too many amateur writers add a whole bunch at the same time, and it only serves to create confusion for the reader.

Also, DON'T switch names. If you introduce a character as Bob, then switch to Robert, it again will confuse the reader. Keep with ONE name for the character. Unless, of course, it's part of the story - like being in a witness protection program or switching identities. Otherwise, it's a big no-no.

Hey thanks! I am just so lucky as a beginning student get to see this process in real-time. Forgive me please if I put input where it doesn't belong, just correct me gently (my bones are brittle these days) and I will learn. Sometimes I learn best from biggest boo-boos.

Question: I understand that you want to add characters slowly, makes perfect sense. I am not sure if I understand how much info you want to convey at first introduction. I realize that characters develop and your insight into them gets deeper, but when you first introduce them, should you make it clear if they are an alien or a bear, gender and so forth, so when you refer back to them, people have some idea of what you are talking about? Is it just a style preference? If you want to build suspense, and you introduce a character that will return in later chapters, so you don't want to divuldge too much, just how much of an introduction is necessary for reader comprehension?

 

[Chase]

...sows are bears too? somehow that's ringing SO wrong... :-P

It all goes back to long-ago labeling without better scientific knowledge. Same reason American Indian is an oxymoron. Much like many think the Australian koala is a bear. It's why North American pronghorns, wapiti, and bison are wrongly called antelope, elk, and buffalo. The list goes on.

 

[DragonYoga]

Hey thanks! I am just so lucky as a beginning student get to see this process in real-time. Forgive me please if I put input where it doesn't belong, just correct me gently (my bones are brittle these days) and I will learn. Sometimes I learn best from biggest boo-boos.

Question: I understand that you want to add characters slowly, makes perfect sense. I am not sure if I understand how much info you want to convey at first introduction. I realize that characters develop and your insight into them gets deeper, but when you first introduce them, should you make it clear if they are an alien or a bear, gender and so forth, so when you refer back to them, people have some idea of what you are talking about? Is it just a style preference? If you want to build suspense, and you introduce a character that will return in later chapters, so you don't want to divuldge too much, just how much of an introduction is necessary for reader comprehension?

Introduce them with general physical descriptions and some interesting characteristics that sets them apart, the same way you'd notice if you met someone the first time. Let's take Bob/Robert for example:

No matter how much Bob slouched, he couldn't hide his nearly 7'8" frame, and he appeared taller because of his almost unnatural thinness. Naturally blonde with sun-darkened skin, he looked more like a beach bum than anything else, with ratty clothes and old flip-flips. He was standing on the boulevard facing the beach, his eyes squinted from the sun. He scanned the crowd, a certain shiftiness in his eyes, and in the way he stood.

That's an example. Just start with the basics, keep to the flow of the story, don't be too specific. You want general descriptions, the reader will fill in the rest in his/her mind.

 

[DragonYoga]

It all goes back to long-ago labeling without better scientific knowledge. Same reason American Indian is an oxymoron. Much like many think the Australian koala is a bear. It's why North American pronghorns, wapiti, and bison are wrongly called antelope, elk, and buffalo. The list goes on.

And to think I want to be a teacher! :-X I'm embarrassed to say the only one I know is bison. I never heard of the other two real names for the animals... *is embarrassed over the quality of my education*

 

[dreamchaser]

Introduce them with general physical descriptions and some interesting characteristics that sets them apart, the same way you'd notice if you met someone the first time. Let's take Bob/Robert for example:

No matter how much Bob slouched, he couldn't hide his nearly 7'8" frame, and he appeared taller because of his almost unnatural thinness. Naturally blonde with sun-darkened skin, he looked more like a beach bum than anything else, with ratty clothes and old flip-flips. He was standing on the boulevard facing the beach, his eyes squinted from the sun. He scanned the crowd, a certain shiftiness in his eyes, and in the way he stood.

That's an example. Just start with the basics, keep to the flow of the story, don't be too specific. You want general descriptions, the reader will fill in the rest in his/her mind.

Hey, just went to your site.. Cool. I just can't believe that I am in the midst of real writers, especially Deaf writers.... I'm not worthy!!! But, greatful I am.

So, in response to your response, I was wondering; would it be advantageous for the Beofewolf to be introduced and then non-chalantly (no clue how to spell that) let the reader know that he is a bear, and his counterpart would be a sow? I am just confused about this. If I introduce a character, don't I need to make my readers aware of their species,,, unless of course I were introducing someone with a secret identity, like a spy etc. But at least if you introduce a character, are you suppose to let the species be known, as in the bear? It had a name, but no identity????????? Help... I am really confused now.. Hey, one more time,, THANKS!

 

[DragonYoga]

Hey, just went to your site.. Cool. I just can't believe that I am in the midst of real writers, especially Deaf writers.... I'm not worthy!!! But, greatful I am.

So, in response to your response, I was wondering; would it be advantageous for the Beofewolf to be introduced and then non-chalantly (no clue how to spell that) let the reader know that he is a bear, and his counterpart would be a sow? I am just confused about this. If I introduce a character, don't I need to make my readers aware of their species,,, unless of course I were introducing someone with a secret identity, like a spy etc. But at least if you introduce a character, are you suppose to let the species be known, as in the bear? It had a name, but no identity????????? Help... I am really confused now.. Hey, one more time,, THANKS!

Using Beowulf as an example, I would say "That Beowulf, that blasted old bear" and that would establish what/who Beowulf is to the narrator AND the reader. We don't know at this point from reading the first chapter if it's advantageous for the readers to know about Beowulf now, but Chase did say he plays a bigger part in the story later. So IMO it's a good idea to give hints to the reader and then remind the reader later when the character shows up again. But be careful with this method - use it only if you really WILL use this character!!!

If the character you are introducing has a secret identity, it would depend on a need-to-know basis with the reader. Do the readers need to know this right away, or can it be revealed later? But, if you choose to reveal it now, then it has to be (IMO) one of the main characters, and it would work best if it were from his/her point of view. If you chose to reveal it later, then it would serve as a plot twist.

 

[dreamchaser]

Using Beowulf as an example, I would say "That Beowulf, that blasted old bear" and that would establish what/who Beowulf is to the narrator AND the reader. We don't know at this point from reading the first chapter if it's advantageous for the readers to know about Beowulf now, but Chase did say he plays a bigger part in the story later. So IMO it's a good idea to give hints to the reader and then remind the reader later when the character shows up again. But be careful with this method - use it only if you really WILL use this character!!!

If the character you are introducing has a secret identity, it would depend on a need-to-know basis with the reader. Do the readers need to know this right away, or can it be revealed later? But, if you choose to reveal it now, then it has to be (IMO) one of the main characters, and it would work best if it were from his/her point of view. If you chose to reveal it later, then it would serve as a plot twist.

Cooool, thanks. I have to start brainstorming about a story real soon. I don't know yet what our assignment will be for our final essay/ short story, but I will be getting my first crack at thinking in fiction and defining characters. It is exciting but scary. I have never even tried to write anything fiction, except for one short essay. Watching chase work on this chapter has already given me some inspiration, and now I am gaining some working knowledge by seeing you guys discuss characters etc. Thanks so much. J

 

[DragonYoga]

Another good site for looking at short stories & seeing what others say is at Scribophile, the social writing workshop and writer's community (I'm Phedre on there). You can read the stories and get a general idea of how to write. You'll be fine!

 

[dreamchaser]

Another good site for looking at short stories & seeing what others say is at Scribophile, the social writing workshop and writer's community (I'm Phedre on there). You can read the stories and get a general idea of how to write. You'll be fine!

that is so cool. thanks... TEEEHEEE, forgive me if my posts are rather iliterately writen. If I go back and edit for accuracy, I never post it. so,,, I just write like I am thinkin. I really do know better though. Thanks again!

 

[Chase]

Rewrite of Beegone

Changes noted. Thanks so much.

 

[Chase]

Changes noted. Thanks so much.

 

[Chase]

Changes noted. Thanks so much.