Arranged Marriage

rebeccalj said:
Uh, not so fast. I was in an arranged first marriage and the only condition was that I didn't back out and I didn't go to law school. When I left the loser, not three years later, my parents disowned me anyhow. I'm a white Viking. My parents were Orthadox Mormon.
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Huh?
 
rebeccalj said:
You said that it happens in Asia. You said that it isn't forced. You said that the marriage can be called off. I'm saying that is not true. At least in my experience it is not.
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I think they are confused because they don't understand LDS culture. :giggle:

It is not very compatible with Deaf culture. :lol:
 
MCB said:
I think they are confused because they don't understand LDS culture. :giggle:

It is not very compatible with Deaf culture. :lol:
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Prepare that I need to research little more because I am confused by all of this. :O
 
rebeccalj said:
You said that it happens in Asia. You said that it isn't forced. You said that the marriage can be called off. I'm saying that is not true. At least in my experience it is not.
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That's been my experience as well (albeit 2nd hand knowledge ie talking with people who are in arranged marriages)

Leo Mary
You're first post made it sound like you were saying that you're understanding of arranged marriages was that the two people getting married "arranged the marriage, for themselves" - is this what you meant, because if so you've misunderstood.

Many times two families will arrange the marriage of their children to each other - specifically for financial gain, property or to secure the social status of the families... it's "nice" if the to people getting married like each other, but honestly it's a family business transaction.

Many times the two people getting married don't really have a choice in the matter. They aren't physically "forced" into the marriage, however they are heavily pressured by their families who will tell them from the day they are born that they "will marry ______ for the benefit of the family" and that "it is their responsibility as a son/daughter of the family to marry ______" - even "If you do not marry _______ we will disown you, it will be as if you are dead to us".

Sometimes the people being married to each other like/get along with each other ... sometimes they don't. Sometimes they are allowed to say "no, I don't want to marry this person", but often that is not the case.

Also - I'm not really sure where you learned that it was most common in Asia, because for centuries it was common in almost every country in the world.

The idea of marrying someone "for love" is actually a fairly new concept ... up until the last hundred years or so most people married for social status, and to "better" both families wealth and land. Actually if you read classic literature, you'll gain a better understanding of how marriages worked for many many centuries.

One of the advantages of arranged marriages in which the families match up a man and women based on a number of factors that indicate they are well suited for each other long-term is that the man and the women enter into that relationship knowing that they will have to create and build a friendship and then hopefully a romantic attachment to the other person - they aren't deluded into thinking that somehow "love will make the relationship work" ... instead they know that it will require ongoing time and effort to make their relationship work short-term and long-term.

"Love based" marriages do most of the work at the beginning - learning likes and dislikes etc and "wooing" the other person while there's a lot of emotions (and lust) feeding the relationship. They think most of the work in the relationship is getting to the point where they get married and then they can relax because the hard "relationship work" is finished ... which is actually not the case at all (marriage is the beginning of the work on the marriage relationship - and the two people need to work on that relationship constantly the entire time they're married)
 
Leo_Mary said:
Prepare that I need to research little more because I am confused by all of this. :O
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Here is my favorite board:
Mormon Discussions • View active topics

And another
RfM :: Recovery Board

Here is an excellent informational website.
Richard Packham's Home Page

You will need to search the archives-- they gave up or got so mad that they got banned
Non-Catholic Religions - Catholic Answers Forums

Now, back to the topic of arranged marriages:

"Love based" marriages do most of the work at the beginning - learning likes and dislikes etc and "wooing" the other person while there's a lot of emotions (and lust) feeding the relationship. They think most of the work in the relationship is getting to the point where they get married and then they can relax because the hard "relationship work" is finished ... which is actually not the case at all (marriage is the beginning of the work on the marriage relationship - and the two people need to work on that relationship constantly the entire time they're married)
Yesterday 10:07 PM
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Very true.
 
Anij said:
That's been my experience as well (albeit 2nd hand knowledge ie talking with people who are in arranged marriages)

Leo Mary
You're first post made it sound like you were saying that you're understanding of arranged marriages was that the two people getting married "arranged the marriage, for themselves" - is this what you meant, because if so you've misunderstood.

Many times two families will arrange the marriage of their children to each other - specifically for financial gain, property or to secure the social status of the families... it's "nice" if the to people getting married like each other, but honestly it's a family business transaction.

Many times the two people getting married don't really have a choice in the matter. They aren't physically "forced" into the marriage, however they are heavily pressured by their families who will tell them from the day they are born that they "will marry ______ for the benefit of the family" and that "it is their responsibility as a son/daughter of the family to marry ______" - even "If you do not marry _______ we will disown you, it will be as if you are dead to us".

Sometimes the people being married to each other like/get along with each other ... sometimes they don't. Sometimes they are allowed to say "no, I don't want to marry this person", but often that is not the case.

Also - I'm not really sure where you learned that it was most common in Asia, because for centuries it was common in almost every country in the world.

The idea of marrying someone "for love" is actually a fairly new concept ... up until the last hundred years or so most people married for social status, and to "better" both families wealth and land. Actually if you read classic literature, you'll gain a better understanding of how marriages worked for many many centuries.

One of the advantages of arranged marriages in which the families match up a man and women based on a number of factors that indicate they are well suited for each other long-term is that the man and the women enter into that relationship knowing that they will have to create and build a friendship and then hopefully a romantic attachment to the other person - they aren't deluded into thinking that somehow "love will make the relationship work" ... instead they know that it will require ongoing time and effort to make their relationship work short-term and long-term.

"Love based" marriages do most of the work at the beginning - learning likes and dislikes etc and "wooing" the other person while there's a lot of emotions (and lust) feeding the relationship. They think most of the work in the relationship is getting to the point where they get married and then they can relax because the hard "relationship work" is finished ... which is actually not the case at all (marriage is the beginning of the work on the marriage relationship - and the two people need to work on that relationship constantly the entire time they're married)
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Hmm... I want to learn more. You sure have lot knowledge of arranged marriage. I am interested now.
 
Daredevel7 said:
I have a friend whose parents are trying to do some form of arranged marriage. However, since they moved to America (from India) and my friend was born and grew up here, the parents have a more "relaxed" version. They basically gave her options for suitors.

I have asked my Indian friends what they thought of arranged marriage. Most of them actually don't mind it because their parents actually choose very carefully to ensure their child's happiness. Good parents usually mean good offspring. Those who DO mind would rather just choose for herself but still need (or want?) the parents' approval.

I suspect that here in America, the idea of arranged marriage does not work very well for not so obvious reasons. Society CAN have a tremendous influence on the child, sometimes more than the parents. So even if you have great parents, it is possible that the child may not become a well rounded individual in the long run. It seems like that in India, family is so cherished and so important and that is actually PART of society in India. So most of the influences on a child comes from the parents in Indian culture. So it's "safer" to choose a child to be married to your child based on the qualities of his/her parents alone.

That's just my theory.
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Your theory is correct. It is the difference between a collective society and an individualistic society.
 
TheWriteAlex said:
They can't be any more miserable than most marriages in the United States, so.... :dunno:
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:laugh2: But your point is valid. They certainly don't experience the 50% plus divorce rate that those who choose their own partner do.:lol:
 
The problem is there is no equality in the marriage or arranged marriage. This is my opinion. :P
 
jillio said:
:laugh2: But your point is valid. They certainly don't experience the 50% plus divorce rate that those who choose their own partner do.:lol:
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No, the husbands just whack a wife that they're tired of, or get something on the side that pleases them more. Just because a couple doesn't divorce doesn't mean everything is hunky dory with them.
 
Reba said:
No, the husbands just whack a wife that they're tired of, or get something on the side that pleases them more. Just because a couple doesn't divorce doesn't mean everything is hunky dory with them.
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I know so many couples in that kind of situation you just described.
 
Reba said:
No, the husbands just whack a wife that they're tired of, or get something on the side that pleases them more. Just because a couple doesn't divorce doesn't mean everything is hunky dory with them.
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To be quite honest, I never use martial status to assess if someone is "hunky dory". Are divorced/single people supposed to be "better off" than people who are "stuck in a bad marriage"? Do domestic disturbances/violence only occur within marriages?
 
Daredevel7 said:
To be quite honest, I never use martial status to assess if someone is "hunky dory". Are divorced/single people supposed to be "better off" than people who are "stuck in a bad marriage"? Do domestic disturbances/violence only occur within marriages?
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Of course not but the topic of this thread was about marriage.
 
Daredevel7 said:
To be quite honest, I never use martial status to assess if someone is "hunky dory". Are divorced/single people supposed to be "better off" than people who are "stuck in a bad marriage"? Do domestic disturbances/violence only occur within marriages?
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After my divorce and being on my own, I was happier that way than being married to my ex husband.
 
Anij said:
To clarify, and arranged marriage is when the parents of a male child arrange with the parent's of a female child (or vise versa) that their children will marry each other. It's typically done when the children are still very young (often infants).

Arranged marriages occur all over the world and are more tied to culture and religion than physical location.
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you are right,it is very common in asia and in some part of africa
 
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