Anyone who involved or saw..

Originally posted by LadyDuke
Yes, I was involved in and had seen domestic violence. It happened when I was just a toddler. Not only domestic violence, but I was also involved in child neglect.

My life story is veryyyyy complicated and long to begin with. All in all, I ended up living in a foster care home since I was 2 1/2 years old.

And, yes, I got to see both of my biological parents over the years except my biological mother. My mother and I had not seen each other more than once for many years until a few years ago.

I was abused and neglected by my mother largely because she was too young and immature to be a mother. She was a woman who loved fun, but lost her freedom once she became pregnant with me. That summarized up the reason. My father never abused nor neglected me, but he kinda abused my mother in a "good way". Because he was furious with her for not taking care of me and my sister properly.

There is still more to the story, but I rather to keep it short. Too complicated and long to explain. It could've taken me a book to write.

Let's put this way......I am an illegilimate child that was conceived out of incest who comes from an uneducated and dysfunctional family living in poverty. (frowns)
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Ouch.. I am sorry to hear about it. You went through rough times. Hugs.
 
I took 60 hours of DV workshop last December. Also, I am very interested in taking Sexual Assault workshop near the future once I hear from my workshop instructor via email (she is taking educational Sexual Assault workshops and get certification for instructional skills, so she can teach us).

Anyway, I would like to share tibdits with you...
 

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I would like to add little more tibdits...

Using Coercion and Threats:

*Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
* threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
*Making her drop charges
*Making her do illegal things

Using Intimidation

*Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
*Smashing things
*Destroying her property
*Abusing pets
*Displaying weapons

Using Emotional Abuse

* Putting her down
*Making her feel bad about herself
*Calling her names
*Making her think she's crazy
*Playing mind games
*Humiliating her
*Making her feel guilty
*Putting down her language skills
*Calling her retarded

Using Isolation

*Controlling what she does, who she sees, and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
*Limiting her outside involvement
*Using jealousy to justify actions
*Taking away her TTY, not letting her see Deaf buddies


Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming

* Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously.

*Saying the abuse didn't happen
*Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior
*Saying she caused it.


Using Children

*Making her feel guilty about the children
*Using the children to relay messages
*Using visitation to harass her
*Threatening to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege

*Treating her like a servant
*Making all the big decisions
*Acting like the "master of the castle"
*Being the one to define Men's and women's roles

Using Economic Abuse

*Preventing her from getting or keeping a job
*Making her ask for money
*Giving her an allowance
*Taking her money
*Not letting her know about or have access to family income
*Takine her SSI check


Types of Violence

Emotional Abuse

*Mean jokes
*Insults
*Silent treatment, ingoring her
*Belittling
*Threats
*Humiliation
*Isolation
*Making her think she is crazy
*Cruelty to pets
*Destroying valuable or sentimental objects

Physical Abuse

*Denying her food, sleep, use of the bathroom, medication
*Pinching
*Pushing
*Choking
*Kicking
*Pulling hair
*Scratching
*Biting
*Using weapons (knifes, guns, telephones, lamps, etc)
*Poisoning her

Sexual Abuse

*Sexual jokes
*Embarrassing comments and criticisms
*Unwanted touching
*Treating her as a sex object
*Forcing her to view pornography
*Controlling contraceptives
*Demanding sex after violence "make-up sex"
*Forcing her to have sex with others
*Forcing her to prostitute herself
*Forcing her to have sex in front of the children
*Threatening sexual abuse of the children

Internet

*Stalking her through emails and IMs.
*Tracking her on internet
*Spreading false rumors on her
*Blaming her
*Twisting words in order to cover up
*Belitting her in any chat rooms

I know it might overwhelm you, but it is good educational information on DV. I will post about safety planning later if you are interested.


Note: you see the word of "she", really, it is general term for victim.. it could be anyone such as child, lesbian or gay partner, straight woman, or man.

:D
 
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:shock:

wow Oddball -- VERY good information and thank u for posting them here -- it definately is helpful to identify the abuses that the offender would typically do to a victim -- what abt a national hotline for deaf victims that might want to reach out for some help qq would u happen to have that as well Oddball qq i only know that SF's DWAV program do work with the deaf victims of domestic violence -- i am not aware of any other organizations in other parts of the USA other than learning there is a program in VA that does offer support and assistance for the victims of DV that are deaf -- i dont recall the name of the program in VA :(

:thumb:
 
Originally posted by Fly Free
:shock:

wow Oddball -- VERY good information and thank u for posting them here -- it definately is helpful to identify the abuses that the offender would typically do to a victim -- what abt a national hotline for deaf victims that might want to reach out for some help qq would u happen to have that as well Oddball qq i only know that SF's DWAV program do work with the deaf victims of domestic violence -- i am not aware of any other organizations in other parts of the USA other than learning there is a program in VA that does offer support and assistance for the victims of DV that are deaf -- i dont recall the name of the program in VA :(

:thumb:
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Yes, I do. Smiles
 
I was a domestic violence victim for years and years in my previously marriage. My ex was addicting to pain killer medication for many years since he was 14 yrs old. He had no idea why he beat me up. When I yelled or told him, what to do. He hit me for no reason.

One day, I was very busy work all the day and went to grocery to buy the food. Somehow, I forgot to buy wheat bread that was his favorite. He was yelling, where the fuck my bread. I said, ooops sorry I forgot to buy. He pulled my hair against the wall. He threw the kitchen table against the window. Thanks God the window did not break. My body was all shaking. We live in country with huge house. No one can hear us. Especially my children are scared to see their father lost his tempter.

He was beating me up because my next door who was Deaf. She heard the rumor that my ex had an affair with my best friend and had a Deaf son. I asked him if the rumor was true. He kept deny and end up beat up me really bad. I was pregnant with my second son. He broke my rib and thumb. Next-door Deaf lady felt funny with huge noise vibration. She walked in and immediately called cops. Six cops approached him; he beat all of those cops out of the hall and the stairs. The cop hit the bat at his head and hand cuffs him. They arrested him for overnight. I really thanked next door who saved my life and baby. I was rushing to the emergency room. My chest, arms, stomach and eye were all bruise. I can’t go to work for two weeks due to embarrass how I looked. :cry:

My Mom was freaking out to see my face and body. She took older son and me to her house for a week. I told the Judge to have my ex to stay away from me for rest of my life. I got him a restraining order against him. What idiot of me, I was softening heart to let him to come home because he was hysterically cried and begged me. I felt sorry for him. What a fool of me, I realize that he never changed himself.

I was trying to help him to go to 12-step program for the Deaf. He seems not trying hard himself to be super from drugs. The disease in his brain and body beats him. He could not help himself.

One time, he was sleeping on the couch when I got him a sub from the Subway place. I brought him a sandwich to wake him up. He was end up to throw sub at me because he dislike what I got it for him. He pulled my necklace and grabs my shirt. My Dad blocked him and knocks him down on the floor. My old son dial 911. Two cops came and stunned to see elderly man sat on my ex-husband’s chest. My Dad said, what is hell wrong with you. Why are you standing there for?

The sheriff came to my place and gave me a paper from the court. The rent had been not paying for six months. Landlord evicted two children and me. Thirty days for me to search a place to live. It was horrible experience for me homeless! Glad, we got divorce and find an apartment with reasonable price. I live this apartment for six years. I had to given away adorable beautiful Golden Retriever dog. Two children and I cried for almost a week. Glad, they found him a good home that adopted him at huge home with two children. The owners are doctor and nurse who love him. It made me more relief. I do something think of my dog when I saw other people walking with a Golden Retriever. It was too painful for two children and me.

I am very happy now that my marriage is end. My life becomes more normal and stronger now. Two children have been go through great experience and stronger now. They look up at me, how much they admire me to be stronger Mom for their stake.

If you feel that your spouse, boyfriend or partner whom domestic violence to you. Please do not let him or her return to your place. You will be regret how much the children are suffering to see both of them argument or fight. It is not such good health and environment for those children. I have been passive for many years. I must kick that person immediately for my defense. Do not let him or her damage your mental or physical. Now, I regretted for being soften heart to my ex husband. I should have divorce him a long time ago.

Do not wait to kick your partner out of your life. If you are afraid, go to see a social worker or association for a help.

Thanks for your time to read my experience being a domestic violence victim.
 
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Originally posted by Sabrina
I was a domestic violence victim for years and years in my previously marriage. My ex was addicting to pain killer medication for many years since he was 14 yrs old. He had no idea why he beat me up. When I yelled or told him, what to do. He hit me for no reason.

One day, I was very busy work all the day and went to grocery to buy the food. Somehow, I forgot to buy wheat bread that was his favorite. He was yelling, where the fuck my bread. I said, ooops sorry I forgot to buy. He pulled my hair against the wall. He threw the kitchen table against the window. Thanks God the window did not break. My body was all shaking. We live in country with huge house. No one can hear us. Especially my children are scared to see their father lost his tempter.

He was beating me up because my next door who was Deaf. She heard the rumor that my ex had an affair with my best friend and had a Deaf son. I asked him if the rumor was true. He kept deny and end up beat up me really bad. I was pregnant with my second son. He broke my rib and thumb. Next-door Deaf lady felt funny with huge noise vibration. She walked in and immediately called cops. Six cops approached him; he beat all of those cops out of the hall and the stairs. The cop hit the bat at his head and hand cuffs him. They arrested him for overnight. I really thanked next door who saved my life and baby. I was rushing to the emergency room. My chest, arms, stomach and eye were all bruise. I can’t go to work for two weeks due to embarrass how I looked. :cry:

My Mom was freaking out to see my face and body. She took older son and me to her house for a week. I told the Judge to have my ex to stay away from me for rest of my life. I got him a restraining order against him. What idiot of me, I was softening heart to let him to come home because he was hysterically cried and begged me. I felt sorry for him. What a fool of me, I realize that he never changed himself.

I was trying to help him to go to 12-step program for the Deaf. He seems not trying hard himself to be super from drugs. The disease in his brain and body beats him. He could not help himself.

One time, he was sleeping on the couch when I got him a sub from the Subway place. I brought him a sandwich to wake him up. He was end up to throw sub at me because he dislike what I got it for him. He pulled my necklace and grabs my shirt. My Dad blocked him and knocks him down on the floor. My old son dial 911. Two cops came and stunned to see elderly man sat on my ex-husband’s chest. My Dad said, what is hell wrong with you. Why are you standing there for?

The sheriff came to my place and gave me a paper from the court. The rent had been not paying for six months. Landlord evicted two children and me. Thirty days for me to search a place to live. It was horrible experience for me homeless! Glad, we got divorce and find an apartment with reasonable price. I live this apartment for six years. I had to given away adorable beautiful Golden Retriever dog. Two children and I cried for almost a week. Glad, they found him a good home that adopted him at huge home with two children. The owners are doctor and nurse who love him. It made me more relief. I do something think of my dog when I saw other people walking with a Golden Retriever. It was too painful for two children and me.

I am very happy now that my marriage is end. My life becomes more normal and stronger now. Two children have been go through great experience and stronger now. They look up at me, how much they admire me to be stronger Mom for their stake.

If you feel that your spouse, boyfriend or partner whom domestic violence to you. Please do not let him or her return to your place. You will be regret how much the children are suffering to see both of them argument or fight. It is not such good health and environment for those children. I have been passive for many years. I must kick that person immediately for my defense. Do not let him or her damage your mental or physical. Now, I regretted for being soften heart to my ex husband. I should have divorce him a long time ago.

Do not wait to kick your partner out of your life. If you are afraid, go to see a social worker or association for a help.

Thanks for your time to read my experience being a domestic violence victim.
Click to expand...

Wow, you are brave enough to share your tragic story with us. I appreciate your openness. Some people don't wish to talk about it because their experiences are too painful.

:D Your dad was strong enough to knock your ex down and sat on his chest waiting for cops to arrive. You are a truly survivor of DV. You don't deserve a jerk in your life, but deserve your beautiful sons who love you so much. Hugs.:ily:
 
Originally posted by Fly Free
:shock:

wow Oddball -- VERY good information and thank u for posting them here -- it definately is helpful to identify the abuses that the offender would typically do to a victim -- what abt a national hotline for deaf victims that might want to reach out for some help qq would u happen to have that as well Oddball qq i only know that SF's DWAV program do work with the deaf victims of domestic violence -- i am not aware of any other organizations in other parts of the USA other than learning there is a program in VA that does offer support and assistance for the victims of DV that are deaf -- i dont recall the name of the program in VA :(

:thumb:
Click to expand...

National Domestic Violence Hoteline at 800-787-3224 TDD

Check out Deaf DV agencies at www.adwas.org/connections/connections.htm

www.lestswrap.com/usadv
 
Thanks Oddball :D

Wow your previosuly post about the volience. Wow, most of those occurred during my marriage. Yes, my ex was trying to block me to speak or visit with my friends or family. He took a TTY with him when he was out of the house. I had no car or phone for emergency.

We had blizzard for two days. No electricity for four days. I had no car, food, phone, etc... Thanks God, I had a gas stove to survive to cook soup, eggs, mac, etc... We slept together in one bed to keep us warm. Put all the food outside to keep them cold. Wow, it was really bad snow storm. We live in big country with huge of the snow.

Of course, I was end up yelling at my ex. I beat him out of shit because I was extremely angry. :mad2:

Glad, it is over ! My life is normal now since six years !! I am very cherish my two children. I always be there for them until I die !

~ Sabrina
 
wow Sabrina and LadyDuke -- u ladies are VERY brave to share ur stories here and its good of u to encourage other victims of DV to seek help

i know an abuser personally and i have TRIED at length to get the abuser to *TRULY* understand what that person is doing to his/herself and to the person's ex's and friends -- that person still seem to be in denial mentally and ive pretty much given up and cut off all contacts with the person until the person gets it in his/her head that what the person does is wrong despite the fact that the person has been arrested previously for DV -- myself and other friends have tried to put some sense in that person but apparently only built up more walls around themself and blame others for the person's problems *sigh* so i got to the point of having to cut off the friendship -- the abuser is a kewl person but is unable to RECOGNIZE the fact that he/she is STILL doing the same thing -- continuing the cycle

i believe that once an abuser RECOGNIZES the behavior patterns and make ammends to it and learn how to change their behavior patterns they CAN become a good person and the wall the abuser creates can come tumbling down with every recognizance and acceptance of what the abuser is doing and know thats wrong

i have thought of possibly the abuser participate in behavior modification program of some sort -- ODDBALL -- is there some sort of program for this kind of thing (behavior modification) aside from an anger management program for the abuser q
 
i have thought of possibly the abuser participate in behavior modification program of some sort -- ODDBALL -- is there some sort of program for this kind of thing (behavior modification) aside from an anger management program for the abuser q

It is very difficult for abuser to modify his/her behaviors because their behaviors are LEARNED. Learned behaviors stick with them forever. Few of them are successfully modify their behaviors through anger managment programs, private therapy, group therapy, and Behavior Cognitive Therapy. They have to work hard to make serious efforts to change themselves. I tell you that it is very RARITY for abusers pah change themselves. Most of abusers are always in the continuous cycles and more likely wind up in the prisons for assaulting or murdering.

Look at DV survivors go to prison for life time because they killed their abusers in order to defend themselves, but the judical system throw them to prisons for their actions. I consider that it is totally unfair. It is not fair for abusers to take advantage of judical system and use it against DV survivors. It is so sad.
 
Look at DV survivors go to prison for life time because they killed their abusers in order to defend themselves, but the judical system throw them to prisons for their actions. I consider that it is totally unfair. It is not fair for abusers to take advantage of judical system and use it against DV survivors. It is so sad.
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I have seen a lot of women at the Prison in Framingham, Massachusetts. They were victim because they killed their husband, boyfriends or partners for their defense. The State of Massachusetts law sends the people who murdered to the prison. The Judge or Jurors were not sympathy those women who were defense themselves.

I almost killed my ex husband because he beat me really hell. I was fisting his face and eyes by my hand. My Dad stopped me and knock him out on the floor. I was out of mind because I was fucking FED up with my ex for cruelty children, family, my friends, animals and me. I was not tolerated with him. When you hit that person really hard of your angry system out of your chest. I saw his eyes were black and blue. I felt good. The cops can’t arrest me due to defense. If I killed him then I may never see my children again. I thanked my Dad block me.

Oh my gosh, my hand was bruise and sore for while. When you were out of mind to become really strong as furious. :ugh: I can see why, those women are victim in the prison rest of their life because they were out of mind.

I feel very bad for those women who are victim and stay in the prison rest of their lives. They did not see their children very much. It was too painful and depressed. I meet several women from the prison for my term paper. Oh gosh, I could not sleep for few days. They beat up each other during middle of the night. They smashed the dirty period pads toward their faces, sexuality, etc… I did rather hang up myself iinstead of I am stuck in that damn fucking prison rest of my life.

I really do not want to see my ex husband’s face ever again. My two boys disown their father.
 
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Originally posted by Sabrina
I have seen a lot of women at the Prison in Framingham, Massachusetts. They were victim because they killed their husband, boyfriends or partners for their defense. The State of Massachusetts law sends the people who murdered to the prison. The Judge or Jurors were not sympathy those women who were defense themselves.

I almost killed my ex husband because he beat me really hell. My Dad stopped me and knock him out on the floor. I was out of mind because I was fucking FED up with my ex for cruelty children, family, my friends, animals and me. I was not tolerated with him. When you hit that person really hard of your angry system out of your chest. I saw his eyes were black and blue. I felt good. The cops can’t arrest me due to defense. If I killed him then I may never see my children again. I thanked my Dad block me.

I feel very bad for those women who are victim and stay in the prison rest of their lives. They did not see their children very much. It was too painful and depressed. I meet several women from the prison for my term paper. Oh gosh, I could not sleep for few days. They beat up each other during middle of the night. They smashed the dirty period pads toward their faces, sexuality, etc… I did rather hang up myself iinstead of I am stuck in that damn fucking prison rest of my life.

I really do not want to see my ex husband’s face ever again. My two boys disown their father.
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Whoa.. your father saved you from planning to murder your ex. You are thankful for having your dad to intervene you. Whew. I am glad that you are still be there for your sons instead of staying in prison cell for rest of your life. I do the same thing if I go to prison for life sentence. Prisons are not best places for Deaf people in general.
 
Originally posted by Oddball
i have thought of possibly the abuser participate in behavior modification program of some sort -- ODDBALL -- is there some sort of program for this kind of thing (behavior modification) aside from an anger management program for the abuser q

It is very difficult for abuser to modify his/her behaviors because their behaviors are LEARNED. Learned behaviors stick with them forever. Few of them are successfully modify their behaviors through anger managment programs, private therapy, group therapy, and Behavior Cognitive Therapy. They have to work hard to make serious efforts to change themselves. I tell you that it is very RARITY for abusers pah change themselves. Most of abusers are always in the continuous cycles and more likely wind up in the prisons for assaulting or murdering.

Look at DV survivors go to prison for life time because they killed their abusers in order to defend themselves, but the judical system throw them to prisons for their actions. I consider that it is totally unfair. It is not fair for abusers to take advantage of judical system and use it against DV survivors. It is so sad.
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uhmm its rare huh qq *sigh* all the therapies u have mentioned has to be pretty intensive -- but what if the abuser just go like *nodding* to courts, friends, family whatever that orders them to go as opposed to doing it themselves on their own free will qq especially if the offender is a DEAF person -- it makes things more challenging -- uhmm thanks Oddball for ur insights on this

as for the DV survivors -- yes i know quite a few DV survivors and am aware if they did the extreme killing their abusive partner they end up locked up for life (some states has varying sentences for DV survivors who has killed their partner or seriously injured them) -- yes it is VERY sad that those who did kill their partner gets locked up for just simply trying to save their own lives and the children/pets
 
Originally posted by Sabrina
I have seen a lot of women at the Prison in Framingham, Massachusetts. They were victim because they killed their husband, boyfriends or partners for their defense. The State of Massachusetts law sends the people who murdered to the prison. The Judge or Jurors were not sympathy those women who were defense themselves.

I almost killed my ex husband because he beat me really hell. I was fisting his face and eyes by my hand. My Dad stopped me and knock him out on the floor. I was out of mind because I was fucking FED up with my ex for cruelty children, family, my friends, animals and me. I was not tolerated with him. When you hit that person really hard of your angry system out of your chest. I saw his eyes were black and blue. I felt good. The cops can’t arrest me due to defense. If I killed him then I may never see my children again. I thanked my Dad block me.

Oh my gosh, my hand was bruise and sore for while. When you were out of mind to become really strong as furious. :ugh: I can see why, those women are victim in the prison rest of their life because they were out of mind.

I feel very bad for those women who are victim and stay in the prison rest of their lives. They did not see their children very much. It was too painful and depressed. I meet several women from the prison for my term paper. Oh gosh, I could not sleep for few days. They beat up each other during middle of the night. They smashed the dirty period pads toward their faces, sexuality, etc… I did rather hang up myself iinstead of I am stuck in that damn fucking prison rest of my life.

I really do not want to see my ex husband’s face ever again. My two boys disown their father.
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im VERY glad ur dad has intervened Sabrina -- prison is NO fun -- i know quite a few ppl who has been locked up for various offenses not just of assault -- be glad that ur dad was there for u that day and ur ex is no longer in ur and ur boys' life and u 3 are able to go forward and be more stronger for eachother -- u 3 have a support system now Sabrina -- treasure ur boys!!!!
 
I will share with mine someday when the time is right..
FlyFree.. knew about my story... She will understand how i feel. :)
 
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