Anyone here adopted and found birth family

[Raykat]

I am keen to hear from anyone who was adopted at birth, grew up in a hearing family then met their birth family.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, nothing was said to my adopted parents about any deafness in the birth famiy. At five yrs old I was diagnosed as deaf and fitted with hearing aid, dont ask me how I coped until then!

There followed all the usual heartaches and setbacks associated withe being deaf in a hearing world. I attended small church schools where I was usually in the top 10% in exams. I spent many years in speech therapy and had no contact with the deaf world as such, only knowing a couple of other deaf people on a casual basis.

In 1973 I married a hearie (very patient man) and in due course had 2 sons, both hearing. I never had any desire to find my birth family as my adopted parents were wonderful. I also had no idea that the deafness was hereditery, thank goodnes as it may have detered me from having children.

Some time in the 1980's the adoption laws in NZ were changed to make ti easier for birth parents or adopted children to find their biological families, if you didnt want this to happen you had to place a veto on your adoption file. Being so sure that no one would come looking for me I failed to do that. Then one day in 1989 a social worker knocked on the door and said that my birth mother was looking for me. Only someone who has been in this situation can understand the turmoil of feelings one experiences on hearing this. My adopted had died several year prior and my adopted mother had always lived in fear of exactly this happening so it was a very emotional visit to tell her what had occured. At first I considered turning down the invitation to meet my birth family, my husband could not understand that at all, coming from a large family and never having had to question his background. However when I found out my birth mother and several other family members were deaf I decided to go ahead with the meeting.

Just because there is a blood connection does not mean that you will instantly love each other, fortunately for all involved we hit it off instantly. This was helped along by the fact that they had been thru the same upbringing as myself, all oral, mainstream school and no signing. I have 1 brother and 3 sisters, 2 of the sisters are deaf as are some members of extended family, cousins aunts etc. What a wonderful feeling of "coming home" to at last be able to exchange experiences, highs and lows, with people who knew exactly what I was feeling and talking about. It made me more accepting of my deadness which in the past I had railed against. They have accepted me into their family as one of their own and we have ongoing contact, Unfortunately my birth mothers husband died a few years ago of cancer and she has succumbed to early onset alzhymers so no longer knows what is going on.

As I said above I would love to hear from anyone who has "been there done that"

 

[R2D2]

I'm not adopted, but have several friends who were and just about all of them have eventually done a search for their birth parents. It's a very natural thing to want to know where you came from, what your medical history is, why you look the way you do, why your birth parents could not parent a child and so on.

I'm so happy your "re-union" has gone so well. It's interesting that quite a few of your family members are deaf as well and have shared your experiences. That's fantastic Now you have a bigger extended family!

 

[Raykat]

Hi R2D2, thanks for your reply. May I ask if you have CI? I have just read the link attached to your posts re Ci myths. I am on waiting list here but dont have much hope of ever getting CI as the list is too long and children go first.
Is yor husband also deaf?

 

[Raykat]

As to why my mother could not parent a child, this was 1951, it wasnt' "done" to keep babies then, also my grandmother was deaf, had brought up 5 deaf children on her own and from what I can gather wasnt prepared to go thru it again. I have no hang ups about adoption and would never have gone looking for them.

 

[R2D2]

Hi R2D2, thanks for your reply. May I ask if you have CI? I have just read the link attached to your posts re Ci myths. I am on waiting list here but dont have much hope of ever getting CI as the list is too long and children go first.
Is yor husband also deaf?

Yes, I've had a CI for almost a year now and was able to get it quickly due to the fact that I had health insurance here in Australia (they have both a private and public hospital sector). I grew up like you with hearing aids but suddenly lost my residual hearing in 2005 and my hearing aid was useless. My husband is hearing.

I'm sorry that the wait in NZ is so long - I assume that is because everything is done until the public hospital system? How long have you been on it so far?

Sorry I don't want to side track your thread about adoption!

 

[R2D2]

As to why my mother could not parent a child, this was 1951, it wasnt' "done" to keep babies then, also my grandmother was deaf, had brought up 5 deaf children on her own and from what I can gather wasnt prepared to go thru it again. I have no hang ups about adoption and would never have gone looking for them.

That's interesting. I notice some parallels between the feelings of some adoptees and those deaf people who grew up oral, away from a deaf culture. For adoptees - their "deaf culture" is the "biological family" and some feel very angry that they were removed from their biological families, even when they have been abusive. Today, the culture in social work has changed - a great deal of effort is made to keep biological families together, particularly in Australia.

 

[Raykat]

Yes, I've had a CI for almost a year now and was able to get it quickly due to the fact that I had health insurance here in Australia (they have both a private and public hospital sector). I grew up like you with hearing aids but suddenly lost my residual hearing in 2005 and my hearing aid was useless. My husband is hearing.

I'm sorry that the wait in NZ is so long - I assume that is because everything is done until the public hospital system? How long have you been on it so far?

Sorry I don't want to side track your thread about adoption!

As of last October there were 40 on the waiting list and some had been on for 5 years. Only 24 a year are done on public and most go to children. Cost here is 50K. I think health insurance here would see it as pre existing and not cover it.
The only reason I applied was that one of my half sisters had it done about 18 mths ago, she has the same level of hearing as I do and is finding it a great help, can now pick up things without lipreading all the time. I am 55 so my attitude is if I get it then I get it, if not then carry on as I always have.

 

[Raykat]

Forgot to ask, how are you finding CI, has it made a huge difference or is it just somewhat better than a hearing aid. For years I thought it was just a glorified h/a and said if it didnt do away with lipreading then I wasnt interested.

 

[R2D2]

Forgot to ask, how are you finding CI, has it made a huge difference or is it just somewhat better than a hearing aid. For years I thought it was just a glorified h/a and said if it didnt do away with lipreading then I wasnt interested.

I have noticed some differences with my CI. I can use the phone much more easily than I could before. I can also hear some sounds that I could not hear with hearing aids such as birds wings flapping when in take off. Sounds are deeper and more clear. High frequency sounds especially are noticeable. I can actually understand the old man over the road who has a very gruff voice. It has worked well for me.

However, results vary from person to person and depend on how well your hearing was stimulated over your life. Some people no longer lipread but many do. In fact, the literature given to me from my surgeon encouraged me to keep on using all the visual aids and cues that I made use of before CI. The CI just helps you build the picture much more completely.

If you have a big hearing loss, it definitely has the edge over a hearing aid. But at smaller losses, there isn't much in it, since hearing aids work well for those with small losses.

In other words, we are still deaf when we take it off at the end of the day! But I love it and have no regrets

 

[jillio]

That was a wonderful story, raykat. And I am pleased that it has turned out so well for you. That feeling of coming home that you spoke of is exactly the same feeling that is described by deaf children of hearing parents when they at last find Deaf Culture. A feeling of coming home, of sharing experience, of being understood at last.

I am not attempting to be a pessimist here, but many forms of hereditary deafness skip one generation, because they are recessive genes. It takes both parents being carriers in order to produce a deaf child, and even then, it does not occur in every child that is born to that couple. Many many parents who are both hearing produce a hereditarily deaf infant, and must go back two, sometimes three generations to find where the gene was transmitted. Also, the genes do not show up in linear way. It is possible that your children, although hearing, are carriers, but unless they marry and produce offspring with another carrier with the same genetic characteristic, they will not produce deaf children either. But perhaps the hearing children that your hearing children produce will have a genetically deafened child. It is often what appears to be illogical progression unless it is mapped out.

 

[sara1981]

mostly adopting baby can kept of foster family or wait till baby can grew-up if birth mom would alives or died no matter of baby need approve know where baby would found of birth mom.

i never been adopt to anyone but im born by my mom and kept family very much!

 

[Raykat]

That was a wonderful story, raykat. And I am pleased that it has turned out so well for you. That feeling of coming home that you spoke of is exactly the same feeling that is described by deaf children of hearing parents when they at last find Deaf Culture. A feeling of coming home, of sharing experience, of being understood at last.

I am not attempting to be a pessimist here, but many forms of hereditary deafness skip one generation, because they are recessive genes. It takes both parents being carriers in order to produce a deaf child, and even then, it does not occur in every child that is born to that couple. Many many parents who are both hearing produce a hereditarily deaf infant, and must go back two, sometimes three generations to find where the gene was transmitted. Also, the genes do not show up in linear way. It is possible that your children, although hearing, are carriers, but unless they marry and produce offspring with another carrier with the same genetic characteristic, they will not produce deaf children either. But perhaps the hearing children that your hearing children produce will have a genetically deafened child. It is often what appears to be illogical progression unless it is mapped out.

The case with my family is that my grandmother was deaf, from what any one can find out she was the first in the family. She had 5 deaf children, my mother had 5 children including me, 3 are deaf. Of my 5 cousins 2 are deaf. My half sister has 1 deaf son and 2 not deaf, her 2 grandchildren are deaf.
None of the other children in my sons generation are deaf. The ones who are tend to be more hard of hearing than profoundly deaf.
My 3 yr old grandaughter was tested at 3 mths and cleared, from her chatter now there is now way she is deaf, (it sometimes shows at about 2 yrs old) I have another grandaughter due in 3 weeks and I pray that she will not be deaf. However we will face that if it comes.
A few years ago the whole family was blood tested by Victoria university to see if they could isolate a deaf gene, however nothing came of this.

 

[shel90]

The case with my family is that my grandmother was deaf, from what any one can find out she was the first in the family. She had 5 deaf children, my mother had 5 children including me, 3 are deaf. Of my 5 cousins 2 are deaf. My half sister has 1 deaf son and 2 not deaf, her 2 grandchildren are deaf.
None of the other children in my sons generation are deaf. The ones who are tend to be more hard of hearing than profoundly deaf.
My 3 yr old grandaughter was tested at 3 mths and cleared, from her chatter now there is now way she is deaf, (it sometimes shows at about 2 yrs old) I have another grandaughter due in 3 weeks and I pray that she will not be deaf. However we will face that if it comes.
A few years ago the whole family was blood tested by Victoria university to see if they could isolate a deaf gene, however nothing came of this.

Will it be a bad thing if your grandaughter is deaf? It seems like u and your deaf relatives are doing fine despite your deafness? Like with me, it doesnt matter to me if my children are born deaf or hearing...in fact, there is a possibility that my son may be HOH and it still doesnt make a difference to us. No grieving nor anything. Why do I feel that way? It is cuz I know that they will turn out fine with a lot of love and support. No biggie..there are worse things in life.

BTW..great story..

 

[Raykat]

Will it be a bad thing if your grandaughter is deaf? It seems like u and your deaf relatives are doing fine despite your deafness? Like with me, it doesnt matter to me if my children are born deaf or hearing...in fact, there is a possibility that my son may be HOH and it still doesnt make a difference to us. No grieving nor anything. Why do I feel that way? It is cuz I know that they will turn out fine with a lot of love and support. No biggie..there are worse things in life.

BTW..great story..

It wont be the worst thing in the world. however it is something I wouldnt wish on a child knowing what they will face. The only upside is that these days there is much more openness about deafness, back in 1956 when I started school I was treated as a freak in some ways, even the teacher told me to "take that hearing aid off you dont need it" Maybe if I hadnt met my birth family I would not have been so accepting of it. I think my non acceptance was from my adopted mother's attitude. Altho a wonderful mother who spent hours teaching me to speak she had waited 7 years for a child then when it finally arrives, via adoption, she find this perfect specimen has a disabilty. She says she cried for hours when they told her I was deaf, of course she has no idea what to expect at that stage.

As you say Shel there are far worse things in life so we should count our blessings.

 

[shel90]

It wont be the worst thing in the world. however it is something I wouldnt wish on a child knowing what they will face. The only upside is that these days there is much more openness about deafness, back in 1956 when I started school I was treated as a freak in some ways, even the teacher told me to "take that hearing aid off you dont need it" Maybe if I hadnt met my birth family I would not have been so accepting of it. I think my non acceptance was from my adopted mother's attitude. Altho a wonderful mother who spent hours teaching me to speak she had waited 7 years for a child then when it finally arrives, via adoption, she find this perfect specimen has a disabilty. She says she cried for hours when they told her I was deaf, of course she has no idea what to expect at that stage.

As you say Shel there are far worse things in life so we should count our blessings.

Thanks for answering my question. I am glad that u became stronger from your experiences and not end up bitter.

 

[Southern]

My mom is adopted. Her adoptive mother was the best friend of her biological mother. After her birth her adoptive mother moved 4 hours away. She was a secret of an affair. My dad found and spoke to her sisters and brothers. The one that is the self proclaimed ruler of the family said the family will not meet my mother. They are wealthy. I think they are worried that we will try to take their money from them which is not the case. My mom doesn't know my dad found them.

 

[Raykat]

My mom is adopted. Her adoptive mother was the best friend of her biological mother. After her birth her adoptive mother moved 4 hours away. She was a secret of an affair. My dad found and spoke to her sisters and brothers. The one that is the self proclaimed ruler of the family said the family will not meet my mother. They are wealthy. I think they are worried that we will try to take their money from them which is not the case. My mom doesn't know my dad found them.

This used to happen a lot back in the 50's and 60's, families trying to cover up the "shame" of ann unwed pregancy. I have had friends who are adopted and been turned away by their birth family either for money or hush hush reasons. Luckily for me my family did the looking so I was welcomed into their life.

I just hope your mom doesnt blow her stack if she finds out dad went and found them.......lol....tho it is a very emotional thing, my ex couldnt understand why I was holding back from meeting but when you have one fasmily you are hapopy with you dont always want or need another one.
For me it was not so much "family" as a meeting of other deaf persons.

 

[VamPyroX]

I've never searched for my birth family and haven't thought about it either.

 

[Raykat]

I've never searched for my birth family and haven't thought about it either.

If your happy in your family then theres no need to search, I didnt but am glad they found me. I think its only in a not so happy adoption that the child may want to go looking, but having said that my 2 bests friends where happy and they stilled looked and found birth parents..

 

[sillycat]

Im not adopted but my bro-in-law was and was adopted by a loving parents. My sister encouraged him to find his biological parents before they decide to marry because she did not want emotional baggage from the past interfere with the marriage.
He contacted both parents and the father was eager to meet him but the mother was not but eventually warmed up over time. Im sure he had some questions about why he was given up for adoption and they told him that they were young teenagers and she got preggy by accident so had to give him up.

Ive met both of his biological parents and his dad looks like an older copy of the bro-in-law.