Ambiguity in aspects of Identity

I was born hearing and grew up interacting with my world using a hearing mind set. I suddenly became profoundly deaf in both ears about five years ago at the age of 59. I do not have CIs or HAs. I hear no sound at all. For me, becoming deaf after living so many years in the hearing world and understanding my self and my place in life as a hearie, suddenly being deaf was a big adjustment. From reading various blogs and this forum, I realize that I'm not alone in feeling somewhat awkward in both the hearing and deaf communities. And yes it is difficult dealing with hearing people who expect me to hear because I can talk. Sometimes I think I will just stop talking but it's such a habit after all of these years, lol. I took up ASL last year and unfortunately, I still pretty much butcher the language. I sometimes despair of ever becoming fluent in it. But I have no plans to give up trying because in my heart I feel more part of the deaf world than the hearing. I don't identify myself as a hearing person any more. Even when I am dreaming, I dream I am deaf and attempt to sign. I have accepted that I will probably never be truly embraced by the Deaf community, but my main desire is to communicate and at least be a small part of the deaf community at large.
 
rockin'robin said:
Feel those who are late-deafened have the mind-set of a hearie.....
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Probably. I try very hard to fit in w hearing community. I use residual hearing, lip reading, rtc in situations where I feel my asl would be distracting. I don't want to be excluded from a communit, friends, and family that I have been a part if my whole life, but I also am very happy to have deaf/Deaf friends and community here where I live. I was despairing after my hearing loss when it first happened until I was given the new language of asl and a community of people who I could relate to. However, I do not feel Deaf in the community. I feel like a visitor maybe. Like a foreigner who the deaf community is kind to and allows me to be a part of their community, but I do not identify myself as part of the deaf community. I am so grateful to them though because having a language I can use has made my life so much more manageable in many situations. It's so nice to be around deaf people who are fun and friendly and intelligent to help me understand that I am not broken, and life is still good :) Although I identify myself with hearing, it is so nice to be around hoh and deaf people and use asl. It's exhausting having to work so hard to communicate with the hearing community. I value the deaf friends I have so much. They understand a part of me that hearing friends never will.

Also, I'm not sure if this is what you're asking, but I don't automatically tell heating people when I first meet them that I am hoh. I usually try to read lips and use residual hearing to get by in a casual conversation. If its a short conversation I can get by. If it gets lengthy, then I tell them. I just find it easier not to tell and get into a long discussion about it with every person I meet. So maybe that also comes into play with your identity question /study.
 
To be honest, i notice that a lot of you all, whoever, learn ASL at a late age, with hearing loss at any age may have struggles with ASL HEY you know you are not alone, because others who are in the same boat as you do, know speak and know little ASL so you all can make friends each others, anyway. i think all deaf is a great place to meet each other./
I know I am the few ones who is an ASL user here on AD and still hanging out here on AD.
 
Never did I consider myself as hearing despite my ease of communicating and interacting with hearing people. I have seen myself as either hard of hearing or deaf. There are three worlds I deal with: the hearing world, hard of hearing (e.g. HLAA), and culturally deaf world.
 
shel90 said:
...So, I tried harder and when I would vent my frustrations to the adults, they would tell me that I am not trying hard enough or in need to pay closer attention. That lead me into thinking I was "broken" and my self-esteem, started to go downhill.

That continued and by the time I was in my 20s, in hated myself and my deafness.

All that changed when I learned AsL and discovered the Deaf community even though my deaf brother grew up in that world. That led me to being angry at my family , the doctors, and teachers for denying me that right to full access to language and communication....
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I have APD but this is strikingly similar to my experience. When adults tell you that you aren't trying hard enough but you are trying VERY hard it kills your self esteem. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I realized I wasn't stupid just different. I was angry about it for a long time too but really I don't know what they could have done for me back then. I don't think anyone even knew about APD. It still makes me sad though that I really didn't get much of an education.
 
jonnyghost said:
I have APD but this is strikingly similar to my experience. When adults tell you that you aren't trying hard enough but you are trying VERY hard it kills your self esteem. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I realized I wasn't stupid just different. I was angry about it for a long time too but really I don't know what they could have done for me back then. I don't think anyone even knew about APD. It still makes me sad though that I really didn't get much of an education.
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hi, sorry what's APD?
 
Auditory processing disorder. It's not the same as being deaf or hard of hearing but sometimes it's similar.
 
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