Advice Needed

[Kat01]

Hello! I'm from an all deaf-family except my brother is HOH and my sister who is hearing.

My parents really do not like hearing people and have always disliked them. They always get frustrated with them and often refuse to engage hearing people or acknowledge them. My dad especially dislikes hearing people.

My sister is the hearing person out of our entire family and is involved with two cultures, the deaf culture and hearing culture. She is freshman in high school and for as long as I remember, she has always had to translate for my parents everywhere we go almost. My parents cannot lipread and do not speak at all. They also do not try to communicate for themselves. :roll: They often fight with my sister because she doesn't like translating for them all the time. My sister was also involved in sports at her high school.

We (as her siblings) attend her basketball and track and field meets when we can. My parents do not go. They didn't even attend her high school graduation because of the hearing people/ They don't want to associate around hearing people. All of us do (myself and my two brothers) at least communicate pretty well to hearing people. I can't speak well but I try my best to communicate when we are in public.

However, my parents do go our homeschool "sporting" events with some of the other local deaf families. My sister often gets upset and always asks them why they didn't watch her sports. I finally asked my parents why they never support my sister and stated that she is not aware of deaf culture and does not understand what it means to be deaf. However, my sister was raised in an entire deaf family.

My sister recently got accepted into a big university in California for a full ride on her grades and sports. I'm very happy for her. The only problem is we have to pay for the trip out there for her to attend in the spring. She told us she most likely won't be coming back if she can afford to stay there in California.

I feel like I'm loosing my sister and she always states that she'll miss us but does not want to be apart of the family if she is not deaf.

Is it fair to say my sister, who always has tried to defend our family and is aware of deaf culture probably even better than I am, is not actually in deaf culture because she is hearing?

Any advice how to talk with my parents to tell them my sister is aware of deaf culture and wants to stay involved with it even though she is hearing?

 

[dereksbicycles]

Wow, hate to say this, but missing out on graduation? If I had kids, I would attend their graduation even if I had no interpreter. I am not going to miss my kids' graduation because it's about my hearing loss. I cannot blame sister for hating parents.

I don't know the full story, but yeah, it can be tough being deaf in a hearing world and vice versa.

I know. I am deaf with a hearing girlfriend.

The best luck.

 

[SimonJ]

It might be a great thing for her to be away for a while. Not a holiday but actually moved away with no date of return. Your parents might miss her and you will of course be talking about how she is going and what she is doing. I moved away and it brought my family closer, we love meeting up although not so often there is real affection now.

 

[SeanB]

Kat, your parents are pretty selfish.. I have noticed alot of pro-deaf only culture beliefs, but that only steers them to isolation. The point is finding ways to bridge that gap with the hearing world, the majority of hearing people are understanding, just doesn't work to approach them with hatred. Ask your sis what may work for them since she has experience with both cultures. For instance, during my late deafened. Pre-CI years, I used a cell phone or note pad to communicate, or if they have time, simple gestures and fingerspelling. They can't expect the world to know ASL, it's up to them to use what works. Yes, there will be lapses of uncooperation, but they need to focus on the task, not how they feel, or nothing will get done. The world is not going to bow to your parents, your sis should assist them in finding ways to communicate on their own. Being bitter and isolated isn't a healthy mindset in the long run, hopefully things work out at least with the communication aspect.
.

 

[rockin'robin]

I've always felt that deaf parents should not ever depend upon their hearing children to intrepret for them....Or even make phone calls for them.

 

[Lau2046]

I've always felt that deaf parents should not ever depend upon their hearing children to intrepret for them....Or even make phone calls for them.

I think it's also particularly lousy to make her translate for everything on top of telling her how disgusting, stupid and what losers hearing people are. Imagine how she felt having to hear this all the time? I think your sister will want to stay away from the family given how they've made her feel all these years for not being deaf. It would appear that your sister knows very well about the deaf community but your parents clearly don't consider her to be a part of it...and from the sound of it, they didn't made her feel like a loved and valued part of the family. I suspect this move away will do her some good. I'd care less about what your parents think of themselves and concentrate more on how you'll continue your relationship with your sister. Sounds like she's been dumped on a lot....


Laura

 

[Frisky Feline]

wow im so sorry that you have to deal with all of this situation. ah, Let your sister go but keep in touch with her as much as you can!

your parents must have tremdously bad experiences with hearing family. I suppose they both each have hearing parents before. Must something that had happened to them. Just talk to your sister as much as you can. If your parents keep saying, "dislike hearing" remind them where did they come from, who paretns are hearing and one hearing daughter too. BUT i suggest you to let sister go and keep in touch. one of those days, you feel ready enough to talk to your parents about relying on hearing daughter to interpret which is not apprioprate way when daughter is a child and daughter did not have her own childhood. I can suppose that your sister have lots of emotional moments for years.

i am an ASL user, very involved with Deaf communtiy and socialize with deaf people. However i have hearing parents, I have hearing two children and many hearing relatives who i love. indeed, I am not comfortable to let my kids to interpret for me when i talk to school teacheror anywhere people except they come to me what they hear and tell me on their own time. I always say, 'thank you. you know you dont have to do it" the kids said " i know but i feel like so". I want my kids to have their own childhoood, not working. School do provides interpreters or any where. I do not know if your hometown have good interpreter agency.

lastly, did your parents have deaf friends? if so, do the friends have hearing children or some hearing relatives. To be honest, the kind of the talk you have now is pretty old fashion that your parents might be stuck in the old times. Let your parents know that sister practically is in the deaf world, and know ASL. I wish to see that your parents and the sister have somehow to resolve it in their time. I am so so sorry how you guys have been dealing with. don't forget to keep in touch with your sister.

 

[VacationGuy234]

I'm deaf and I'll never be a part of deaf culture. I don't identify with the basic beliefs of deaf culture.

Your sister is her own person and your family was VERY lucky to have her, not the other way around. Your parents put too much burden on her. She was not born to be a translator, she was born to be her own person. Your parents shouldn't use her as a crutch. You don't have kids to do yard work, translate, and run errands for you. You have children because you love them, no matter what.

She's reached the age of enlightenment and it's her time. I think that is what you need to explain to your parents.

Your family will still be a family, but like all families the lives in it change, sometimes this is hard to accept.

 

[lovezebras]

Wow...your parents are no better than common everyday bullies that just led a lil girl to take her own life. That is no way to treat your own child regardless of lack of a disability. If they were so disgusted by her hearing back in the day your sister would have been better off given up for adoption by parents who actually appreciated her for who she was not to be a interpreter. That's just downright sad...

 

[Bottesini]

Wow...your parents are no better than common everyday bullies that just led a lil girl to take her own life. That is no way to treat your own child regardless of lack of a disability. If they were so disgusted by her hearing back in the day your sister would have been better off given up for adoption by parents who actually appreciated her for who she was not to be a interpreter. That's just downright sad...

you could actually say it is unreal

 

[Reba]

I've always felt that deaf parents should not ever depend upon their hearing children to intrepret for them....Or even make phone calls for them.

That's right. Maybe it was more expected a generation ago when there weren't as many options but now there is no excuse for that.

 

[Reba]

Despite the relationship problems with your parents, I hope you siblings can stay in touch with each other.

 

[Anij]

Wirelessly posted (Blackberry Bold )

I've always felt that deaf parents should not ever depend upon their hearing children to intrepret for them....Or even make phone calls for them.

That's right. Maybe it was more expected a generation ago when there weren't as many options but now there is no excuse for that.

Where I live, within the Deaf/ASL community it's considered highly inappropriate to use kids as interpreters. Parents who do it are told it's simply not accepted here - it looks bad to the public/ makes the community look bad and isn't at all fair to the kids.

Of course,as with any rule/situation there are rare (brief) exceptions.

 

[Reba]

Wirelessly posted (Blackberry Bold )

Where I live, within the Deaf/ASL community it's considered highly inappropriate to use kids as interpreters. Parents who do it are told it's simply not accepted here - it looks bad to the public/ makes the community look bad and isn't at all fair to the kids.

Not just inappropriate but in some cases unethical and illegal. These days, with the ADA, VRS, professional interpreters, captioning services, etc., there's no reason to put that burden on the children.

Of course,as with any rule/situation there are rare (brief) exceptions.

Right, just enough to tell the hearing person, "I can't help you. You need to use an interpreter/notepad/text for my parent."

Does it occur to the hearing people that if the deaf person was present without a hearing child to "interpret" they'd have to figure out something else anyway? Duh!

 

[Jane B.]

Not just inappropriate but in some cases unethical and illegal. These days, with the ADA, VRS, professional interpreters, captioning services, etc., there's no reason to put that burden on the children.


Right, just enough to tell the hearing person, "I can't help you. You need to use an interpreter/notepad/text for my parent."

Does it occur to the hearing people that if the deaf person was present without a hearing child to "interpret" they'd have to figure out something else anyway? Duh!

I have not followed this thread as completely as I might have. But, I could see it happening in casual conversation — as people that know each other and want to stop to talk for a bit.

 

[CSign]

you could actually say it is unreal

You definitely could say that... I feel sorry for this sister who is hearing. How sad.

 

[rockin'robin]

So, so, so many times...whenever someone I told that I was deaf, they would look to one of my boys and ask "can you intrepret for me then"?....And so many times, I've been nice about it and say "it's better that we use notes or even the computer if necessary" (if I had no intrepretor and could not lipread the person)....

It's still happening...all these years.....So I did lose my temper at my son's school several times, telling the person that "my son is not an intrepretor!"....

It's tedious, I know. And it is and becomes a burden on the hearing child, which they at many times resent it and continue to resent it as time goes by...

Seems the OP parent's really has "issues" with hearing people. But it does not give them the "right" to depend upon their hearing child to intrepret for them...

 

[Reba]

So, so, so many times...whenever someone I told that I was deaf, they would look to one of my boys and ask "can you intrepret for me then"?....And so many times, I've been nice about it and say "it's better that we use notes or even the computer if necessary" (if I had no intrepretor and could not lipread the person)....

It's still happening...all these years.....So I did lose my temper at my son's school several times, telling the person that "my son is not an intrepretor!"....

Wow, especially a school should know better.

Maybe you should have asked the teacher, "Do you let your children grade papers and prepare your lesson plans?" I mean, really? :roll:

It's tedious, I know. And it is and becomes a burden on the hearing child, which they at many times resent it and continue to resent it as time goes by...

True. Each child reacts differently. One of my CODA instructors told me that he and his hearing sister had to interpret for his parents (previous generation, decades ago). When they grew up, he became a professional interpreter but his sister quit signing completely and avoids deaf people. Two totally different reactions. But the one sibling who became a terp did so because he didn't want any other children to go thru what he did as a child.

Seems the OP parent's really has "issues" with hearing people. But it does not give them the "right" to depend upon their hearing child to intrepret for them...

I'm afraid those parents are destined for an isolated, lonely old age.

 

[Kat01]

Thanks everyone for your responses. My sister and parents do not get along. I do not want my sister to move away and believe that all deaf parents do this. My parents have not used us to interrupt for them, even though we cannot communicate very well ourselves. I am glad that the deaf parents here would still support their hearing child as much as their deaf/HOH child too.

your parents must have tremdously bad experiences with hearing family. I suppose they both each have hearing parents before. Must something that had happened to them. Just talk to your sister as much as you can. If your parents keep saying, "dislike hearing" remind them where did they come from, who paretns are hearing and one hearing daughter too. BUT i suggest you to let sister go and keep in touch. one of those days, you feel ready enough to talk to your parents about relying on hearing daughter to interpret which is not apprioprate way when daughter is a child and daughter did not have her own childhood. I can suppose that your sister have lots of emotional moments for years.

i am an ASL user, very involved with Deaf communtiy and socialize with deaf people. However i have hearing parents, I have hearing two children and many hearing relatives who i love. indeed, I am not comfortable to let my kids to interpret for me when i talk to school teacheror anywhere people except they come to me what they hear and tell me on their own time. I always say, 'thank you. you know you dont have to do it" the kids said " i know but i feel like so". I want my kids to have their own childhoood, not working. School do provides interpreters or any where. I do not know if your hometown have good interpreter agency.

lastly, did your parents have deaf friends? if so, do the friends have hearing children or some hearing relatives. To be honest, the kind of the talk you have now is pretty old fashion that your parents might be stuck in the old times. Let your parents know that sister practically is in the deaf world, and know ASL. I wish to see that your parents and the sister have somehow to resolve it in their time. I am so so sorry how you guys have been dealing with. don't forget to keep in touch with your sister.

Both of my parents have hearing parents but each of them have had a grandparent (my great-grandparents) who were deaf. We have a genetic "deaf" gene in the family. All of us were born different forms of hearing loss (my parents and the three of us). My sister may have slight hearing problems but none that I know about nor do I understand.

We have two families we are friends with. They each have one CODA but they use a professional interrupter for us when we need it. They are friends but do not always get along. I do not know the other CODA well because they are barely around when we visit and mostly we get together to play games and things like that.

I do not know what caused my parents to dislike hearing so much. I know as children they were excluded and made fun of - but which deaf/HOH person hasn't been? I want my sister to go and keep in touch but I feel she may not come back around us - ever. Unless she will want to visit my brothers and myself.

You acknowledge to your children that they do not have to translate and say thank you means a lot to them. My hope is that my parents learn to communicate. I have and I have a job.

I doubt my parents will listen to me unless I can sit down and actually tell them this. Maybe the idea is to talk about how well my sister is doing when she leaves.