Would this offend you?

GammaRae

GammaRae

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I was recently at a deaf coffee meet up. I am hearing and was there with 5 deaf friends and one other hearing. We are both students. She is learning ASL because her little brother is 3 deaf and learning some himself. I am learning with the goal of getting my bachelors in ASL interpretation. We went up to order she was in front then 3 deaf friends, myself and the 2 other deaf friends. They had their orders written down or typed out on their cell phones. She spoken word ordered her coffee then turned around and signed asked the deaf people if they wanted her to order for them. They all declined and looked irritated. The man behind me said orally "We're adult".. I think that's what he said at least as his speach was unclear to me. I signed basically that I knew they were all adults. He shook his head at me. I'm not sure if it was out of frusturation at her or if I misunderstood what he'd said. Anyway, when out with deaf people and a hearing person would you be offended if they ordered orally themselves? Or just if they offered to the rest of the group? I went with the crowd and placed my order with my cell phone. Was this ok? I also didn't want to appear to be "faking" deaf..
 
I personally would not be offended by your offer, I know you obviously did not mean to offend them. However, I can see why someone may be offended by this, they may have felt you were implying that they were not capable of doing it themselves.

If you ordered with your phone, well, that would sorta depend. Was everyone just putting their pieces of paper and phones on the counter at the same time? If so, yes, I guess it was appropriate. If you were going one by one, I don't really see why you would have needed to do so. But again, it depends on the situation.
 
If you order orally for Deaf friends it is considered offensive as it implies they are handicapped or disabled and not able to do it for themselves. As you are Hearing they would expect you to order for yourself orally (unless in the rare case you have speech difficulties or unable to speak).
 
If they ordered orally themselves, that's fine but to offer me to take my order...a big no no.
 
I never order for others unless I am specifically asked to do so.
 
I've had that happen to me at Starbucks when I went. I really appreciate the offer. IT means someone is looking out for me. If someone wants to be jerk about it, then I guess they don't need to have hearing friends. The least they would do is just say "thank, but no thanks". If someone offered to order for me, I would feel like a king!!! Ya know, someone special!!
 
Yes, everyone was ordering in groups, some had written it down and others used their cell phones. I placed my order with the first two infront of me in the same manner that they did. I think the deaf friends felt somewhat belittled by her offer as Gemini said it did somewhat imply that she was more capable of doing a simple task than they were.. honestly I was a bit taken back too. As far as my ordering for myself I normally do order verbally with deaf friends and will even accept important calls on my cell phone. Of course I always apologize to said deaf friend for the interruption and give a brief summary about what was going on for example "My mother asked me if I could pick up her medicine." I ordered nonverbally this time because the rest of the group was obviously irritated and unhappy after the incident and I was afraid to add fuel to a fire per say. I don't know if my order was acceptable or not but nobody seemed to have a problem with it, mainly everyone seemed irritated with the other hearing friend who ordered then offered to order for the group. She's very new to even learning ASL though, much less trying to learn about deaf people. She's said to me many times "How sad it is this is how her brother will grow up to be". I'm sure other deaf people have to sense her feelings somewhat at least and that might have made the issue bigger than it might have been... :/
 
as to the "worry" re ordering coffee suggests one is "handicapped etc"-why bother interacting with "them" in the future?
Friendship on "eggshells"?
 
I personally wouldn't be offended, but I could definitely see some of my other deaf friends being offended. It wouldn't be anything to make me or them stop talking to you, but it would be something where "yes, we are adults and we're not handicapped we're capable." You have to remember, deaf people can be stubborn * You all know you can be so shush! =P * and like their independence... I'm the same way. Like I said, I wouldn't be offended but I definitely would answer something sarcastic like "I'm a big girl I can do it" or along those lines. Again, it's just a matter of they're independent, they know how to do what they need to do and often don't want assistance with it, or other people to look at them like they're incapable. That's how I'd see it. You speaking ASL and what not know we're just like you, but most hearing people don't realize that. So by letting her take their order, it may have made them look more handicap to the cashier or other patrons. Just how I'd see it anyways... =P It was a nice gesture, no reason to get "offended" per se... but definitely a no no for most. =P
 
That is the problem that we like to be independent and can do what we want to order or do anything as we are not disable without the help from friends. A proper courtesy is to say "No, thank you and I can order myself". If a Deaf person want to ask for help or assistance, then the friend will order or do what ever the hearing person can help. I guess it is between two sides of the coin like head or tail. :hmm:
 
Why would one want to be "involved" with persons with "hypersensitivity re: independence on such trivial matters-ordering coffee"?
How the above fits with the self proclaimed "friendship of the local Deaf community" hard to reconcile?
How valid as a "generalization" to various " local groups-worldwide"?
 
I'm hard of hearing. I'm not fluent in ASL. I've been in a mixed group of deaf/Deaf/hearing/various students ordering coffee - and I wouldn't outright ask anyone, let alone the signing/deaf group specifically - if "they" wanted me to order for them. I think it's a tactless thing to do.

Now if someone approaches another person and asks that person for help, that's different. But why make the assumption - for that's what that was - that any particular different treatment should be considered?

Sure some people as individuals, wouldn't care if that particular situation you describe happened them. They can make that choice. But not same as Hearing implying a need for help.
 
I don't think it is so much that, "Hey, I'm independent" as the feeling generated that, "...so you think you are better than me?".
 
GammaRae said:
I was recently at a deaf coffee meet up. I am hearing and was there with 5 deaf friends and one other hearing. We are both students. She is learning ASL because her little brother is 3 deaf and learning some himself. I am learning with the goal of getting my bachelors in ASL interpretation. We went up to order she was in front then 3 deaf friends, myself and the 2 other deaf friends. They had their orders written down or typed out on their cell phones. She spoken word ordered her coffee then turned around and signed asked the deaf people if they wanted her to order for them. They all declined and looked irritated. The man behind me said orally "We're adult".. I think that's what he said at least as his speach was unclear to me. I signed basically that I knew they were all adults. He shook his head at me. I'm not sure if it was out of frusturation at her or if I misunderstood what he'd said. Anyway, when out with deaf people and a hearing person would you be offended if they ordered orally themselves? Or just if they offered to the rest of the group? I went with the crowd and placed my order with my cell phone. Was this ok? I also didn't want to appear to be "faking" deaf..
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just order the way you usually do it and let them order the way they usually do it. all is good. feel free to help if they asked you.

nobody will get offended if you talk to order something. who cares. I don't :lol:
 
Jiro said:
just order the way you usually do it and let them order the way they usually do it. all is good. feel free to help if they asked you.

nobody will get offended if you talk to order something. who cares. I don't :lol:
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That's what I normally do and haven't ever had any problems, I was just really embarassed because of the friend that offered to order for them all because the group's reaction was quite negative and honestly at the time I preferred not to say anything outloud at all haha :lol:
And yes there have been situations where I have been asked to talk to hearing people for a deaf friend, someone was going door to door with Mary-Kay makeup products trying to sell and was practically screaming at my friend as if that would make her hear.. ugh. Anyway, my friend didn't want anything but she did want to look at what she had. I did buy one tube of foundation.. haha. She did not verbally ask me to talk and interpret but she looked at me with a confused face and gestured to them with a wtf? face so I took it as asking.
 
Of course one can obviate the above "problem" drink coffee at home.
a plus-cheaper!
 
drphil said:
Of course one can obviate the above "problem" drink coffee at home.
a plus-cheaper!
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Haha true story but we're all young like 25-18 so most want to go out, we often go the beach first, there's fireworks there all through September, ironically I put ear plugs in as the loud cracking popping noise makes me a little nervous as it sounds like gun shots and remind me of them. There's a lot of beach stand bars, outdoor dancing, fun night life and such. Coffee shop is normally our first stop when we go out for a little energy. I'm also a little jealous my hearing friend and the deaf friends I normally go out with can ALL dance better than me! Alas, tis not my gift :lol:
 
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