What is the best way.....

Chrysanthe

Chrysanthe

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Need your help here...

To expert parents,

I am learning to adapt the idea of being step mom. What is the best way to discipline the children?

If a child don't listen
If a child cuss
If a child takes things when they were asked not to
..... etc

help?

Your advice would be helpful!!!
 
Talk to your hubby or bf. Set up the rule in the house and explain to the kids what the rules are and the discpline. They have to follow the parents rule in the house otherwise their life will be screwed once they get older. Believe me I have been there and done that. Enough for me.
 
Be persisting and keep consequences occur every time! If you skip consequence, they would think your very lenient and would do again thinking you'd be lenient the next time. All kids DO test their authorities! Including their own parents!
 
diehardbiker65 said:
Be persisting and keep consequences occur every time! If you skip consequence, they would think your very lenient and would do again thinking you'd be lenient the next time. All kids DO test their authorities! Including their own parents!
Click to expand...

That's right! Best start when they are babies but still never too late. If later ... very difficult.
 
Bewitched said:
Need your help here...

To expert parents,

I am learning to adapt the idea of being step mom. What is the best way to discipline the children?

If a child don't listen
If a child cuss
If a child takes things when they were asked not to
..... etc

help?

Your advice would be helpful!!!
Click to expand...

How old are those children?
 
Why are you disciplining the kids? It should be something that is entererd into lightly. You have to first develop a relationship with the kids before you can discipline them. Kids will not, listen to someone that they do not like, respect or have built a relationship with. Did you say how long you have been there step-mother? ( I didn't see that information given) I would let my husband be the main disciplinarian until I was able to develop a relationship with the kids.
Parenting is something that requires practice and when you are new on the scene, the biological parent should be the disciplinarian. Dad should sit kids down and tell them " I expect you to be respectful to your step mom." (this should be done with you present, so they can't play favorites. ) Another key component miissing, is the bilogical mom- where is she? how does she feel about you discipling, opr attempting to discipline her kids? You need everyones support here, girlfriend, you can't and shouldn't be expected to do it all by yourself. Have a talk with hubbie and see what he thinks and tell him how you feel. Give him "I messages" example... "honey, I feel sad or frustrated with the kids say 4 letter words to me, what should WE do about this? What should WE do when this occurs?
Let me know how it all turns out!
 
Bewitched said:
Need your help here...

To expert parents,

I am learning to adapt the idea of being step mom. What is the best way to discipline the children?

If a child don't listen
If a child cuss
If a child takes things when they were asked not to
..... etc

help?

Your advice would be helpful!!!
Click to expand...

I m married to a hearing man. He already have three children from his old marriage. I never had kids before. I didnt know how be stepmom. I was not ready at all but I fall in love with my man so much. My man knew that I was not ready to be stepmom but I was acting more friend with his three kids. They were 10, 8, 5 years olds. Expect his son didnt respect me but I was not alone because he dont respect his dad and his mom. His two girls respect me well. I married him then I become stepmom to them. They were not living with us that time. One of girl wanted to move with us. It was big challage for me and his girl. I learned her background and she learned my background too. At first were so hard. Then everything goes smooth. She was 13 years old that she moved with us.

Learn your step kids's background first and be friend with them for while. Teach them to respect your way and rule but It will not easy at first. Please dont be mother to them at first place because they will think you are not their mom. They need get use with you. Please never never tell them about bad thing of their mom. Teach them to love their mom no matter what. they will think it is fair because they will respect you as respect their mom.

I taught my step kids to love their mom and respect her and respect me too. They did very well. I told them that never blame dad or mom for divorce because they cannot handle themselves and it not your fault to cause divorce. I am honest I didn't like their mom but I keep it quiet. It is best way to keep quiet if you don't like your stepkids's mom.

Now My stepdaugthers are already 21 and 17 years old. My stepson is 19 years old. I have my son with my man. He is 8 years old. I learned so much about teenage whoa! I am already ready for my son to be teenager! I thank my husband for taught me to be ready.
 
ghsh1996 said:
I m married to a hearing man. He already have three children from his old marriage. I never had kids before. I didnt know how be stepmom. I was not ready at all but I fall in love with my man so much. My man knew that I was not ready to be stepmom but I was acting more friend with his three kids. They were 10, 8, 5 years olds. Expect his son didnt respect me but I was not alone because he dont respect his dad and his mom. His two girls respect me well. I married him then I become stepmom to them. They were not living with us that time. One of girl wanted to move with us. It was big challage for me and his girl. I learned her background and she learned my background too. At first were so hard. Then everything goes smooth. She was 13 years old that she moved with us.

Learn your step kids's background first and be friend with them for while. Teach them to respect your way and rule but It will not easy at first. Please dont be mother to them at first place because they will think you are not their mom. They need get use with you. Please never never tell them about bad thing of their mom. Teach them to love their mom no matter what. they will think it is fair because they will respect you as respect their mom.

I taught my step kids to love their mom and respect her and respect me too. They did very well. I told them that never blame dad or mom for divorce because they cannot handle themselves and it not your fault to cause divorce. I am honest I didn't like their mom but I keep it quiet. It is best way to keep quiet if you don't like your stepkids's mom.

Now My stepdaugthers are already 21 and 17 years old. My stepson is 19 years old. I have my son with my man. He is 8 years old. I learned so much about teenage whoa! I am already ready for my son to be teenager! I thank my husband for taught me to be ready.
Click to expand...

HI... I really appreciate your input. I admire your help of trying to tell me some stuff that you were going thru. I will remember that. Thank you.

I have had a relationship with a guy before my husband. He had a three children and he made clear that he would be only dealing with his sons, not me. I respect him how he feel about having another woman in their lives. Of course I became a friend to his sons. Which it was no problems. I have had a lot of experience with teenagers. I have over 30 nieces/nephews and worked at the camp for 12 yrs. I used that kind of techniques. For my experiences, we got along really good. Unforunately, their father and I couldn't continue to have a relationship and we ended the relatonship. I was sad that I wouldn't be able to keep in touch or seeing his sons. I had a lot of fun with them. But... of course we had to move on. A few months later, I met my husband. He told me he had 2 small children. His ex girlfriend disappeared with 2 children and my husband hadn't heard from his ex and children for a long time.

About over 3 yrs, we finally met the kids again. They are under 8 yrs old. I already had my opinion sets for the children between their mother. I would never mention anything BAD about their mother. I have respect for their mother. I know better. I am not a bad person. I know that I have a heart for everyone. I know that I don't appreciate her disappearing from my husband but I wouldn't disrespect her front of the children.

Before I was going to meet them, I thought they were gonna hate me. But we were surprised that they love me and love to play with me. I am glad that we have good relationships.

My best interest in children to have a healthy and better lives. I always wanted them to call me my first name. But naturally, they called me mommy. Of course... I didn't expect. But i didn't say anything. It is not their fault to call me mommy. If they re comfortable that is fine. I am not gonna punish them for that. I will always let their mother to be part of their lives. I wouldn't not take them away from their mother. My husband and I agree that we both want the children to be able to be around their mom.

We are not seeking for troubles, revenge or backstabbing. We are only looking for the best interest and safety for my husband's children.

Thanks again for your input.
 
Bewitched said:
HI... I really appreciate your input. I admire your help of trying to tell me some stuff that you were going thru. I will remember that. Thank you.

I have had a relationship with a guy before my husband. He had a three children and he made clear that he would be only dealing with his sons, not me. I respect him how he feel about having another woman in their lives. Of course I became a friend to his sons. Which it was no problems. I have had a lot of experience with teenagers. I have over 30 nieces/nephews and worked at the camp for 12 yrs. I used that kind of techniques. For my experiences, we got along really good. Unforunately, their father and I couldn't continue to have a relationship and we ended the relatonship. I was sad that I wouldn't be able to keep in touch or seeing his sons. I had a lot of fun with them. But... of course we had to move on. A few months later, I met my husband. He told me he had 2 small children. His ex girlfriend disappeared with 2 children and my husband hadn't heard from his ex and children for a long time.

About over 3 yrs, we finally met the kids again. They are under 8 yrs old. I already had my opinion sets for the children between their mother. I would never mention anything BAD about their mother. I have respect for their mother. I know better. I am not a bad person. I know that I have a heart for everyone. I know that I don't appreciate her disappearing from my husband but I wouldn't disrespect her front of the children.

Before I was going to meet them, I thought they were gonna hate me. But we were surprised that they love me and love to play with me. I am glad that we have good relationships.

My best interest in children to have a healthy and better lives. I always wanted them to call me my first name. But naturally, they called me mommy. Of course... I didn't expect. But i didn't say anything. It is not their fault to call me mommy. If they re comfortable that is fine. I am not gonna punish them for that. I will always let their mother to be part of their lives. I wouldn't not take them away from their mother. My husband and I agree that we both want the children to be able to be around their mom.

We are not seeking for troubles, revenge or backstabbing. We are only looking for the best interest and safety for my husband's children.

Thanks again for your input.
Click to expand...

I am glad to hear that. You can pm me anytime. I would love hear about you.
 
Hi. I'd like to share something.... I, myself, have a Deaf step-daughter who just turned 13 last month. I have been married to her father for almost 4 years (4 years this November). To make a long story short, my husband and I knew each other for years before marrying to eachother. My husband (Deaf) was married to his HH ex-wife which resulted in a daughter (Deaf and is now 13 years old). I (Deaf) was married once before (No kids). While my husband was divorced from his ex-wife, I was the babysitter for the same girl (who is now my step-daughter). Eventually I divorced my ex-husband several years later and is currently married to my husband. Anyways, for the first 3 years that we were married, the ex-wife and I were friends and she would allow me to discpline my step-daughter. I would ask the ex-wife for advice and opinons. My step-daughter and I would ALWAYS argue. All of us adults (me, the ex-wife, and my husband) got tired of this and the behavior of step-daughter so we tried some family counseling. We learned from the counseling that the step-parent should NEVER discpline step-children and that the REAL parent should do the discpline (my husband has no strong discpline). My relationship with my step-daughter was ruined. The ex-wife sent me a nasty e-mail stating how I hut her daughter...I don't blame her because of my step-daughter and I keep arguing and not get along and no longer wants me to have any contacts with my step-daughter). My step-daughter kept telling her father (my husband) that she hates me and did not want any contact with me at all! I was angry at first and did not want any contacts with her either but I gave her space (without waiting too long) and apologized to her in front of her father. This happened over Christmastime in 2005. I am now gradully rebuilding the relationship with my step-daughter. From christmastime to middle of Feb, I gave my step-daughter and I some "cooling off" period then I apologized to her in front of her father. My step-daughter and her father will talk from time to time on VP and in April, she had asked if she could see her step-brother (we have a 15 month old boy from adoption). Overtime, my step-daughter and I gradually started to re-build our relationship per my step-daughter's pace (even though the ex-wife doesn't like it but my step-daughter is 13 and has her own choices) and I have decided from that experience that I am to be her friend...not her mother.... and now to this day, my step-daughter has spent 4 weekends with us (during the whole summer--one weekend a month)....my step-daughter is confiding me with her school crushes, her friends, problems, questions about life in general, complains about her mother (I stay neutral on this and am not negative about her mother) and how she doesn't trust her own mother...I have NEVER said one bad word about her mother but still, her mother has always have negative things to say about me and my husband.

Sorry this is long....Be friends with your step-kids first and let your husband be the displicarian (sp?). If your husband does something wrong or doesn't discpline the kids, talk about it in private and tell him your feelings and let him discpline the kids (with your help) but let your husband do all the talking (discpline) to his kids...not you. I know it is hard but it is the best way to go...

I wish I done this when we first got married and then maybe my relationship with my step-daughter wouldn't have been this ruined. Good luck!


Bewitched said:
HI... I really appreciate your input. I admire your help of trying to tell me some stuff that you were going thru. I will remember that. Thank you.

I have had a relationship with a guy before my husband. He had a three children and he made clear that he would be only dealing with his sons, not me. I respect him how he feel about having another woman in their lives. Of course I became a friend to his sons. Which it was no problems. I have had a lot of experience with teenagers. I have over 30 nieces/nephews and worked at the camp for 12 yrs. I used that kind of techniques. For my experiences, we got along really good. Unforunately, their father and I couldn't continue to have a relationship and we ended the relatonship. I was sad that I wouldn't be able to keep in touch or seeing his sons. I had a lot of fun with them. But... of course we had to move on. A few months later, I met my husband. He told me he had 2 small children. His ex girlfriend disappeared with 2 children and my husband hadn't heard from his ex and children for a long time.

About over 3 yrs, we finally met the kids again. They are under 8 yrs old. I already had my opinion sets for the children between their mother. I would never mention anything BAD about their mother. I have respect for their mother. I know better. I am not a bad person. I know that I have a heart for everyone. I know that I don't appreciate her disappearing from my husband but I wouldn't disrespect her front of the children.

Before I was going to meet them, I thought they were gonna hate me. But we were surprised that they love me and love to play with me. I am glad that we have good relationships.

My best interest in children to have a healthy and better lives. I always wanted them to call me my first name. But naturally, they called me mommy. Of course... I didn't expect. But i didn't say anything. It is not their fault to call me mommy. If they re comfortable that is fine. I am not gonna punish them for that. I will always let their mother to be part of their lives. I wouldn't not take them away from their mother. My husband and I agree that we both want the children to be able to be around their mom.

We are not seeking for troubles, revenge or backstabbing. We are only looking for the best interest and safety for my husband's children.

Thanks again for your input.
Click to expand...
 
Dolplynn....



Your story is way way too familiar to me, girl! Hehehe. Your husband is my boss!! haaaahaaaaa.. :giggle:

Well, thanks again for sharing. I ll remember that! *hugs*
 
Hahaha...I did not realize it was you until this message and your aol aim message. Smile....since this community is small and you know the ex-wife, I would appreciate it if it could stay here in this forum. I feel with this forum, I can express my feelings more without taking it out on anybody specific. If any advice I could give you, it is to be friends with the step-kids and let your husband be the discplarian unless they are alone with you...just do the best you can and when he gets home, tell him what happened and let him discpline them later (unless you they are in dangerous situation then it is ok to interfere). With my step-daughter, when she asks me for something, I just basically tell her "go ask your father"....


Bewitched said:
Dolplynn....



Your story is way way too familiar to me, girl! Hehehe. Your husband is my boss!! haaaahaaaaa.. :giggle:

Well, thanks again for sharing. I ll remember that! *hugs*
Click to expand...
 
dolphlynn said:
Hahaha...I did not realize it was you until this message and your aol aim message. Smile....since this community is small and you know the ex-wife, I would appreciate it if it could stay here in this forum. I feel with this forum, I can express my feelings more without taking it out on anybody specific. If any advice I could give you, it is to be friends with the step-kids and let your husband be the discplarian unless they are alone with you...just do the best you can and when he gets home, tell him what happened and let him discpline them later (unless you they are in dangerous situation then it is ok to interfere). With my step-daughter, when she asks me for something, I just basically tell her "go ask your father"....
Click to expand...

Hey.... Of course I will keep this quiet. I wouldn't tattletale about your experience. :) I appreciate your advice and It is neat to know I have a local friend here!!! I am here with your boss and he is ONE FUNNY DUDE!!!! :) :afro:
 
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