"You might be a redneck if..." by comedian Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck if ...
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car up with your head while you work on it.
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've ever slow danced in a Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You have been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
your bass boat goes faster than your pickup truck and cost more than your trailer.
you've ever stolen toilet paper.
you've ever financed a tattoo.
you can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked in your pants.
you've ever bought a used baseball cap.
the flood history of your area is recorded on your living room walls.
you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
you ever cut your grass and found a car.
people hear your car coming a long time before they see it.
the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
your screen door has no screen.
the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
you list your parole officer as a reference.
at the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
you've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
you don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
truckers tell your wife to "watch her language."
the family business requires a lookout.
you've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
you think the "6 to 10 pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
you drove to elementary school.
you say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two minute conversation.
your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
you walk INTO a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.
you wait to schedule your family reunion until after the parole board meets.
your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
your family tree doesn't fork.
your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
you see going to the family reunion as a chance to pick up chicks.
your Dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
you consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
bikers are afraid of your mama.
Check out this comprehensive list of Jeff Foxworthy "Redneck" jokes at You might be a redneck if...
You might belong to a redneck church if ...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” and five guys and two women stand up.
opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.
in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
the collection plates are really hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy.
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
the minister and his we drive matching pickup trucks.
the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Strawberry Hill.”
“Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.
the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, ya hear!”
You might be from Ohio if...
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
"Toward the lake" means north and "toward the river" means south.
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
"Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
You might be a High Tech Redneck if...
Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."
Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
Your baseball cap reads "DELL" instead of "CAT."
Your computer is worth more than your car.
Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go," and you still don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite dog, truck, tractor, or farm animal.
You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."
You might be a redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Budweiser.
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come over to the darkside ... it'll be a hoot!"
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag or NASCAR number painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-Wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear, "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle and your brother and your cousin and ...
Top 10 signs you're at a redneck wedding
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Denny's
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Bib overalls; Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard Dat"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally
... And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding ...
Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!
Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
5. Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ... it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money. Dirt & grease under the fingernails are a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry & alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years ago.
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby & picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund & a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks & shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Check to see if your neck is red at Jeff Foxworthy.com
