The tale of a woman's battle with body hair...
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe. OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I
run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DARN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go
through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out
of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot
wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and
you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I
mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,
fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe. OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in
the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.
The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I
run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DARN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now,
the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is
having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go
through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working,
dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It
works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
lol couldnt stop laughing! 