Trust issues in a long-term marriage

[kimbrly818]

I've been married for almost 15 years now, just a few months shy from it. I've always had trust issues even growing up. My husband treated me good and the way I wanted to be treated before we got married, and I thought I'd finally found the right person. I was still young I guess I was 19 at the time. We have had our shares of ups and downs as any marriage would have. But the last few years, have been major problems really. Mostly dealing with him lying to me about things, even little things that don't matter enough to actually lie about them but he does. I'm hoh and he's hearing. Alot of times my family and friends have told me he takes advantage of my hearing problems and my devotion to my kids because I'm more concerned and wrapped up in raising them while he's off doing his things.
Five months ago my husband told me he was having an affair, and I was crushed. But I have been trying to get over that. But the problem is he's still getting calls from her, and calling him and drives by her place according to her. And honestly I am not having a hard time believing that. He doesn't really show me any respect for ME or our marriage. I've actually gone to places to help with the business and they had no idea he was even MARRIED! Isn't that just a slap in the face. I've learned to live with his lying and put aside the stupid little things he lies about, but now he is lying about US and about what his affair and the extent of it is or was.
I don't know how to deal with this rationally and or what to do to get him to tell me the TRUTH and to stop lying to me.
I've by far not been perfect and have been told I"m difficult to deal with really when I'm upset or feel something is going on behind my back and I'm being lied to. But he knew all that before we got married. I've given him more than enough chances to jump boat, because certain members of his family feel I TRAPPED him into marriage with me. But he would not take it, and he still won't now. We are living seperately right now until we can deal with and figure out how to move on. He asks too much out of me and gives very little in return. And I don't ask for much. Attention,as in not being ignored just because my hearing has dropped a lot ; and honestly. Yes the truth hurts alot but I need to know that I will have the truth no matter what. The truth is easier to get over than the lies are when they show their ugly heads.
I just don't know what to do. I still love him yes, very much. But it's hard being around him knowing he's been lying to me about something so damaging and refuses to come clean.

 

[Schermy]

What about Marriage Councling? Ask him to go and try and work things out.

 

[rockdrummer]

Communication is key... I know... eaiser said than done. Tell him what you want and how you feel about things. If it's meant to be then things will work out. Also you may consider divorce. That's probably the last thing you want to do but sometimes it's in everyones best interest. You have kids so that makes it even tougher. I wish you all the best no matter what the outcome is.

 

[Buffalo]

I hope you two are seeing a counselor/minister. See a lawyer, too. I, too have been lied to and I don't like it abit. Personally, I prefer to be at peace than to be with someone who doesn't give me any peace. That is just me. You have my support whether you stay with him or not.

 

[Cheri]

I am confused on one thing, if he was such a lying husband, he wouldn't tell you about his affair. now would he? anyone who lies would not tell their love ones that they're having an affair, they would intend to hide it and hopefully won't get caught up with their lies.

While I agree with rockdrummer that communication is the key, and it is extremely important to have an open and honest communication to express yours/his needs, wants and concerns to each other. While I do see some poor communication that are unclear in your post, with how you think your husband is doing the lying of the little things, do you have all the evidences to back up ur claim that he is eventually lying to you? Have you tried to talk to your husband about those things?

If you haven't yet, don't have the fears and worrying that something you may say could destroy your whole marriage, because if you don't tell him how you feel from the heart, You will keep continuing walking on eggshells around him, and the marriage is not going to be fixed it'll remain the same or worse.

I wish you some good luck!!

 

[webexplorer]

If he gets a 2nd chance to live with you together, he will be very likely to have another affair. My former boss had three times affairs. I understand how hard for you to love him, and it would waste your life with him especially with his two faces. It's really no good. I am not saying that it is a simple solution. You just have to make a new path or new life.

If your children are in college or living in an apartment, you can get a divorce.
But, you need to calm down first so that he admits and give it up so that you can get the divorce without going to the battle court. Remember, most lawyers have no feeling for their clients, and they want to get the most money (fee) from you. The best the better is to settle for the divorce fast for "less money."

I hate to tell you one thing. You file for a formal divorce, make sure that your bank account is freeze because people take their money and run away. Some court has no way to make them to pay back at once.

 

[GarnetTigerMom]

I hope you and your husband going to a counselor to help you both in your marriage issue as well as the trust issue. I know trust is always hard for lot of people. Believe me I been there.

But I can tell you how I view trust.

Here is my view:

I have been hurt too much in the past, and I refuse to be hurt again now or in the future!

People are out to get all they can from you, so avoid them to survive!

As soon as you let your guard down, you will be stepped on again!

No one is to be trusted!

You always get hurt by the ones you love!

I get no respect from anyone!

All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted!

Everyone is out to get me!

I am never successful in picking partners, so why try again!

As soon as you care and open up to someone, they will always leave you!

Marriage is the pits!

There is no such thing as a healthy relationship!

You can never let your guard down because all hell will break loose!

All reformations are short-lived!

If I give in and believe you have truly changed, relaxing my defenses, I am most certainly going to be hurt again once you backslide!

There is no such thing as change in behavior. It is only manipulation by others to get their way with you!

Everyone is out to get as much as they can out of you!

There is no such thing as a fair employer, generous company, or supportive work place!

It is better to live alone for the rest of my life than to risk being hurt as I was!

I will never let you know my true feelings again since, if I do open up, I'm afraid you will use them against me to hurt me!


So here what what trust means to me:

Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.

Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.

Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.

Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.

The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.

The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.

The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.

The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.

Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.

The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.

 

[sara1981]

if i got married to my boyfriend one days and i would trust as long-term marriages what i wanted it if im still dating my boyfriend very much.

my mom's second sister and her husband been still in marriages for long-term marriages since June 1984 for 23 years in marriages what awesome marriages and no children! but i wanted more cousin!

my Uncle and his wife been still married for 14 years but both always trust in marriages each other and both wanted have children after marriages and wait family for 4 years after married i understand they now parents of 3 children 2 girls and one boys but they happy married that why! but both still old to have children and also plus have baby!

mostly people who been still long-term marriages for longtimes and trust like vows,trust,love and lots of mores if wanted have baby can wait for one years or less one years whatevers what they wanted!

if i got married one days and i can have children one days and i can ahead have baby one days with my husband one days if says yes they can have baby or wait till how long will have family will be!

 

[GarnetTigerMom]

if i got married to my boyfriend one days and i would trust as long-term marriages what i wanted it if im still dating my boyfriend very much.

my mom's second sister and her husband been still in marriages for long-term marriages since June 1984 for 23 years in marriages what awesome marriages and no children! but i wanted more cousin!

my Uncle and his wife been still married for 14 years but both always trust in marriages each other and both wanted have children after marriages and wait family for 4 years after married i understand they now parents of 3 children 2 girls and one boys but they happy married that why! but both still old to have children and also plus have baby!

mostly people who been still long-term marriages for longtimes and trust like vows,trust,love and lots of mores if wanted have baby can wait for one years or less one years whatevers what they wanted!

if i got married one days and i can have children one days and i can ahead have baby one days with my husband one days if says yes they can have baby or wait till how long will have family will be!

Trust have to be earn before trust is given to a person completely. If someone want me to trust him or her,, then he and she must "earn" my trust first. I don't trust people right away and use me.

 

[Schermy]

Trust have to be earn before trust is given to a person completely. If someone want me to trust him or her,, then he and she must "earn" my trust first. I don't trust people right away and use me.

I agree with this. Trust must always be earned!

 

[webexplorer]

Trust have to be earn before trust is given to a person completely. If someone want me to trust him or her,, then he and she must "earn" my trust first. I don't trust people right away and use me.

My former boss had three different affairs about 15 years. She trusted her husband for a long time. They were discovered and then divorced. It is so easy to be blinded for years.


Maybe, you can test on him/her with your own questions once a year. For example:

Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit"

 

[GarnetTigerMom]

My former boss had three different affairs about 15 years. She trusted her husband for a long time. They were discovered and then divorced. It is so easy to be blinded for years.


Maybe, you can test on him/her with your own questions once a year. For example:

Would you remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it's almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? "

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit"

Trust is a two way street for me. Since she is blinded not to see his cheating I guess in some way she choose to ingore his cheating. But she knew. So I wouldn't stay in a marriage if my husband decided to cheat on me it would be over. I can give second chances, But it will take a long time for the marriage to be back on track. Everybody deserves second chances. But if cheat on me second time it over period. He broken the trust, marriage vows and my respect. I tell him take a hike.

 

[Cheri]

if i got married to my boyfriend one days and i would trust as long-term marriages what i wanted it if im still dating my boyfriend very much.!

sara--

It isn't about you, this creator of this thread is asking for advices. Do you have any advice to give her or not?

 

[Mikali]

Trust is a foundation of a relationship.
Since he destroyed your trust. There is no relationship at alll.. the foundation is all gone.
DUMP HIM.

 

[pek1]

I hope you and your husband going to a counselor to help you both in your marriage issue as well as the trust issue. I know trust is always hard for lot of people. Believe me I been there.

But I can tell you how I view trust.

Here is my view:

I have been hurt too much in the past, and I refuse to be hurt again now or in the future!

People are out to get all they can from you, so avoid them to survive!

As soon as you let your guard down, you will be stepped on again!

No one is to be trusted!

You always get hurt by the ones you love!

I get no respect from anyone!

All men (or women) are dishonest and are never to be trusted!

Everyone is out to get me!

I am never successful in picking partners, so why try again!

As soon as you care and open up to someone, they will always leave you!

Marriage is the pits!

There is no such thing as a healthy relationship!

You can never let your guard down because all hell will break loose!

All reformations are short-lived!

If I give in and believe you have truly changed, relaxing my defenses, I am most certainly going to be hurt again once you backslide!

There is no such thing as change in behavior. It is only manipulation by others to get their way with you!

Everyone is out to get as much as they can out of you!

There is no such thing as a fair employer, generous company, or supportive work place!

It is better to live alone for the rest of my life than to risk being hurt as I was!

I will never let you know my true feelings again since, if I do open up, I'm afraid you will use them against me to hurt me!


So here what what trust means to me:

Letting others know your feelings, emotions and reactions, and having the confidence in them to respect you and to not take advantage of you.

Sharing your inner feelings and thoughts with others with the belief that they will not spread them indiscriminately.

Placing confidence in others so that they will be supportive and reinforcing of you, even if you let down your "strong'' mask and show your weaknesses.

Assuming that others will not intentionally hurt or abuse you if you should make an error or a mistake.

The inner sense of acceptance you have of others with whom you are able to share secrets, knowing they are safe.

The sense that things are fine; that nothing can disrupt the bond between you and the other.

The ability to let others into your life so that you and they can create a relationship built on an understanding of mutual respect, caring, and concern to assist one another in growing and maturing independently.

The glue or cement of relationships that allows you to need others to fulfill yourself.

Opening yourself up to let others in on your background, problems, concerns, and mistakes with the assurance that they will not ostracize you because of these things.

The act of placing yourself in the vulnerable position of relying on others to treat you in a fair, open, and honest way.

Okay . . . GTM, this is what you said: "But I can tell you how I view trust . . . So here what what trust means to me:" Then you explain two different ways. Go back through your comments because you said two totally different things under each heading how you view trust and what it means to you. As a guy, I know that a lot of women do just like you're doing in your post and refuse to believe they're playing mind games with the guy. Then, when confronted, they make excuses and cry about it, making up more mind games as they go. Which is it?