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- Sep 7, 2006
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Trauma and discovery
I grew up believing, deep down, I was not deaf because I had no context and no reference point for it. I could pass as a hearing person, I appeared to be 'fine'. With this, I came to believe there must be other reasons for my inability to express myself freely and for such social isolation. I internalized this in many ways. It is eye opening to read:
"many deaf children experience trauma due to communicative isolation. Evidence for this can be drawn from the clinical experience of Harvey (1996), who observes that his adult deaf clients report childhood-based post-trauma responses triggered by more recent communication situations. Following a particularly difficult communicative interaction, deaf clients may report a number of common trauma responses identified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV. During communication situations with hearing people in adulthood, deaf individuals will re-experience:
-the feelings of isolation and being misunderstood they had as children
-thoughts of being socially isolated or actually withdrawing from contact with hearing persons in order to avoid stimuli associated with the trauma of communicative isolation.
-hyperarousal and hypervigilance as they become aware of the inadequacy of their communication, resulting in reactions that may be overly assertive or resigned and passive." (p32)
Redefining this as trauma really helps me to understand the swift agony I experience and the rapid resignation and withdrawal that I go into when I perceive myself being left out. I will remind myself of how minor that particular situation was or maybe how I don't even especially WANT those particular individuals to include me, but regardless I am flooded, stricken, churning internally. I feel acutely aware of how long my silence lasts, how much other people are talking and relating while I watch helplessly.
This is my internal experience. Outwardly, I appear ok. I appear poised perhaps. I have a ready smile if we make eye contact.
Often, addressing the current situation would not be helpful because it is so out of proportion. I am re-experiencing old scenarios, the original hurt unchanged and compounded even more so hundreds upon hundreds of times as the situation happens again and again. The pattern and lesson of my life.
I once fully believed I would be permanently liberated from this, in the right place, the right time, with the right people. Now I realize that it goes hand in hand with having hearing loss in a hearing world. Some situations are very comfortable and I feel like myself, other situations are very isolating and I feel like an invisible outsider. This will never change.
I can only choose to change my response, somehow break the locked up, shut down, resigned, self-derisive place I go to whenever I feel left out. This has its roots in childhood, to attending school and daily exposure to impossible social situations outside of my control. My reactivity has become so automatic that along with feeling left out I have a host of associations that follow instantaneously. Convictions and beliefs about my self that swiftly punch holes into my confidence, self-esteem, and connection with others. Rigid self-protective defenses isolate me more so as I become quiet and my true self disappears.
Now I understand what is going on. I realize that I am having psychological and physiological response to what is, for me, a very vulnerable and traumatizing experience because it has happened so frequently at crucial, self-defining times in my life. I can continue to retreat to my mute, outsider status, or I can speak up. "This is not who I am right now. I am trapped. I need your help in order to be included, for my real self to come back."
National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2006). White paper on addressing the trauma treatment needs of children who are deaf or hard of hearing and the hearing children of deaf parents. Revised. Los Angeles, Calif., and Durham, NC: National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2006, www.NCTSN.org.
The Eighth Nerve: Trauma and discovery
When I read this, it was like reading about myself and how I react when I am put in a non signing environment now. This is very interesting and this is something that hearing parents who decide to put their deaf children in an oral-only environment need to be aware of. This is not an attack on their decisions but a very important FYI to keep in mind.
I grew up believing, deep down, I was not deaf because I had no context and no reference point for it. I could pass as a hearing person, I appeared to be 'fine'. With this, I came to believe there must be other reasons for my inability to express myself freely and for such social isolation. I internalized this in many ways. It is eye opening to read:
"many deaf children experience trauma due to communicative isolation. Evidence for this can be drawn from the clinical experience of Harvey (1996), who observes that his adult deaf clients report childhood-based post-trauma responses triggered by more recent communication situations. Following a particularly difficult communicative interaction, deaf clients may report a number of common trauma responses identified in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV. During communication situations with hearing people in adulthood, deaf individuals will re-experience:
-the feelings of isolation and being misunderstood they had as children
-thoughts of being socially isolated or actually withdrawing from contact with hearing persons in order to avoid stimuli associated with the trauma of communicative isolation.
-hyperarousal and hypervigilance as they become aware of the inadequacy of their communication, resulting in reactions that may be overly assertive or resigned and passive." (p32)
Redefining this as trauma really helps me to understand the swift agony I experience and the rapid resignation and withdrawal that I go into when I perceive myself being left out. I will remind myself of how minor that particular situation was or maybe how I don't even especially WANT those particular individuals to include me, but regardless I am flooded, stricken, churning internally. I feel acutely aware of how long my silence lasts, how much other people are talking and relating while I watch helplessly.
This is my internal experience. Outwardly, I appear ok. I appear poised perhaps. I have a ready smile if we make eye contact.
Often, addressing the current situation would not be helpful because it is so out of proportion. I am re-experiencing old scenarios, the original hurt unchanged and compounded even more so hundreds upon hundreds of times as the situation happens again and again. The pattern and lesson of my life.
I once fully believed I would be permanently liberated from this, in the right place, the right time, with the right people. Now I realize that it goes hand in hand with having hearing loss in a hearing world. Some situations are very comfortable and I feel like myself, other situations are very isolating and I feel like an invisible outsider. This will never change.
I can only choose to change my response, somehow break the locked up, shut down, resigned, self-derisive place I go to whenever I feel left out. This has its roots in childhood, to attending school and daily exposure to impossible social situations outside of my control. My reactivity has become so automatic that along with feeling left out I have a host of associations that follow instantaneously. Convictions and beliefs about my self that swiftly punch holes into my confidence, self-esteem, and connection with others. Rigid self-protective defenses isolate me more so as I become quiet and my true self disappears.
Now I understand what is going on. I realize that I am having psychological and physiological response to what is, for me, a very vulnerable and traumatizing experience because it has happened so frequently at crucial, self-defining times in my life. I can continue to retreat to my mute, outsider status, or I can speak up. "This is not who I am right now. I am trapped. I need your help in order to be included, for my real self to come back."
National Child Traumatic Stress Network (2006). White paper on addressing the trauma treatment needs of children who are deaf or hard of hearing and the hearing children of deaf parents. Revised. Los Angeles, Calif., and Durham, NC: National Child Traumatic Stress Network, 2006, www.NCTSN.org.
The Eighth Nerve: Trauma and discovery
When I read this, it was like reading about myself and how I react when I am put in a non signing environment now. This is very interesting and this is something that hearing parents who decide to put their deaf children in an oral-only environment need to be aware of. This is not an attack on their decisions but a very important FYI to keep in mind.
