To be honest Jillio, most of that period after I lost my hearing I am really disconnected from--and everythings fuzzy. The "gist" of what I remember...keep in mind this was waaay back when c.i.'s were still pretty new to market(1992), basically, it was presented to me as "you'll be able to hear again." I remember getting back and forth on planes to see doctors in other states. I remember seeing my mother talk to those people while I was there, and while tests were performed but not really an active participant. I don't think I had a full story on it other than, like you said, "integration is the only option" (magnified x10 because I was already hearing and already had speech so they really were selling it as a "miracle cure all" at age 14/15 I just wanted my old life back and those doctors had me believing they could give it to me). I remember meeting a person with a c.i. but not meeting a Deaf person that uses ASL. But, again, I am pretty sure the c.i. recipient was meeting my mom and I was just there and my mom would now and then tell me what she'd heard. I can't say for certain though, everythings just a blur.
I don't want to sound against c.i. at all, because it really has been a godsend for me, especially in my academics more than anything else. Ironically though when the c.i. was less effective 15 years ago, I was happier with it. Now with my espirit 3g(I've had it for 2 years now), for the first time I can use the telephone and I score 100% accuracy on my blind sentence recognition, and music sounds more like music than ever. But with all the improvement, I guess my expectations have risen. Like, ok, now I can understand what people are saying, so now FINALLY after all these years I'll be able to have real friends and relationships again--and they'll be just as easy for me as they were before I lost my hearing. But I am just not finding that to be the case. I feel like I'm behind some glass wall where I can see and hear what's going on, but I can't touch anybody on the other side. And I didn't even know I felt that way, or rather couldn't have put into words what this undefined feeling was, until now that I have met Deaf people and communicated with sign and wow that feelings not there anymore.
And, some people have suggested a trial going without my c.i.. But, like another person noted--one that I assume has a ci--if you stop using the ci then when you put it back on it's you basically have to retrain your brain to hear all over again. That's what really makes it all so difficult to decide--knowing that if I want to go back to hearing and my ci then I may lose some of my proficiency. Also, the fear that I have had the same implant for 15 years...exactly how much longer will it last? what if not using it increases the likelihood of failure at this point?
As far as my son, I just want to be the best parent I can be for him. I think, regardless if I could hear his music or not, I would still be front row center cheering him. And, like every parent, I would be no more or less proud based upon how the music sounded...just a matter of "hey that's my kid up there," ya know? Right now, I have moved out on my own for the first time...just my son and I. Before we lived with my parents and my sister and her children, etc. a full house of hearing and speaking people. When he was a baby he knew some beginning signs, but as expected, when the hearing people didn't respond(even when I asked and tried to teach them repeatedly) he stopped using them. But, now he is starting to understand mommy doesn't respond to his voice and we are both very frustrated by the situation. He does usually understand and respond to my signs, but doesn't use them himself (he's basically delayed in sign language, the same way he is delayed in speech). He is failing at both speech and sign language, but he has more exposure to speech at school and with my other family, etc. so he is making greater gains there. I don't want him to be like all the other people that put the responsibility of communication solely on me . "I want milk, therefore, mommy needs to turn on her c.i. so she can hear me say milk and go get it." etc... All my other hearing family and friends are already like that. In fact, if I decided to not use my c.i. I don't have a lot of faith they would put any effort into communicating with me. I feel like if I take the responsibility to teach my son or other family a few signs then the least they can do is try to use them. But even my family members that know some signs don't try and prefer to wait for me to turn on my ci. "i'll tell you later. go get your batteries, or etc. etc."
I want my son to be exposed to other people like mommy, but that's hard as well because I am new to ASL and the Deaf community myself. And, maybe it's psychological or something, but with my ci on I am so busy trying to listen that I can't create the pictures I need to see with ASL. When it's off-- my signing comprehension and even usage dramatically improve--so that's another issue.
So, yea sorry for writing so much. This is basically all the story, though.
