Seeking serious advice: Friend found father after 23 years - abandoned son when born

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JClarke

JClarke

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I am writing this in behalf of my hearing friend, James (aka Scorpio)

This is what he said in another forum --

Long story short: Dad left me before I was born, took the family car, and had no intention of contacting us, and I have never seen or spoke to him. Apparently my Grandmother from my Father's side disowned me as a Grandson for some reason. Whatever.

I have just been given his mobile phone number and landline, along with an address. As you may imagine, I am kinda pissed at the whole situation. Whilst I do not wish to come across as a whiner or a 'victim', I also want to contact him because his actions are completely unacceptable.
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James would like to seek some serious advice in an perspective view, if YOU were James, what would you do?
 
How did he come across his father's contact information?

Contacting him out of anger may make his approach seem hostile and not a good way to start a conversation with his long lost father.

If he isn't really upset, but just wants to know why his father left... then he could contact him in a friendly manner and then ask him.
 
I am feeling angry at the moment, however, I am not going to contact him when I am in an anger mood, I will be in a neutral mood.

My Grandmother went to a local market to sell some goods, found a guy that was good at finding family members for people, and he got the details and rang and passed them to me.

S
 
Scorpio will be here in a moment to answer the Q's

EDIT: Already here :cool2:
 
Scorpio said:
I am feeling angry at the moment, however, I am not going to contact him when I am in an anger mood, I will be in a neutral mood.

My Grandmother went to a local market to sell some goods, found a guy that was good at finding family members for people, and he got the details and rang and passed them to me.

S
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Well, if you got the information that way... then it may make your approach seem intrusive since it was likely done without his knowledge.

What you could do is see if you can find him through legal means such as online through Google, Facebook, MySpace, etc.

If you can find him on Facebook, then that means he is aware that anyone can find him. So, he can't say that you're being intrusive. If you were to call him out of the blue, he would probably be startled and hang up on you.

Was there any legal actions made or involved regarding the "walk out" by your father?
 
I have discussed with him this morning with many possibilites that he might face, but plenty of questions abuzzing in his mind....he has been wondering if the father have a family, where he might have siblings that James wasn't aware of.... but what You said, Vampy is another legimate reason.
 
Although you bring up a valid point, the fact that he is my Father seems to over-write any concerns about 'being intrusive'-- at least for the first point of contact.

Naturally, if he doesnt want to contact me after I make the first contact, I am not going to be an idiot and chase it any further, I would just drop it after that. Then yes, in that case, i would be being intrusive.

However for the first point of contact after 23 years, I believe it is being anything but intrusive, having waited 23 years

Regards,

S
 
JClarke said:
I am writing this in behalf of my hearing friend, James (aka Scorpio)

This is what he said in another forum --




James would like to seek some serious advice in an perspective view, if YOU were James, what would you do?
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Do you think your friend dad is dying and want talk to his son? Is your friend mother still alive , if she is maybe she could talk to the dad and see what he want! I would piss off too if my dad left and came back years later excepting me to call him! The dad has to win his son trust back and on his son terms! The dad lost his rights as a dad the day he walked on his family!
 
I would have the opinion if he walked out before you were born and never came around, he is not worth your trouble.
 
Scorpio said:
Although you bring up a valid point, the fact that he is my Father seems to over-write any concerns about 'being intrusive'-- at least for the first point of contact.

Naturally, if he doesnt want to contact me after I make the first contact, I am not going to be an idiot and chase it any further, I would just drop it after that. Then yes, in that case, i would be being intrusive.

However for the first point of contact after 23 years, I believe it is being anything but intrusive, having waited 23 years

Regards,

S
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That's one good approach.

Contact him once and see how it goes from there. If he tries to avoid you, then you can let it go and not contact him again.

As I asked earlier, were there any legal actions made regarding his "walk out"? I mean, did your mother sue him for child support? Was any explanation made for why he left? Why his mother disowned you as her grandson? Did your mother do anything to provoke this walk out? Was your father married to your mother at the time when he walked out?
 
This is a very hard situation....did you/do you feel "rejected"?.....

IMO, ur father was the one who walked out....he should be contacting you, not vice versa. But again, perhaps you need closure.....

I know, becuz my adopted son (one of them), his father walked out when he was a baby. He had not seen his father for 17 years.....Out of the blue, his father somehow got in touch with some old friends of ours, found out where we lived, and showed up at our door step, without calling or any notice.

The anger my adopted son felt, knows no measure.....and sadly, it did not work out, and the father went back to Wisconsin.

The only "excuse" the father could come up with, was "I was young and stupid". My son does have "some closure". But it's not a happy one! He felt even worse after the meeting.....his father was a "disappointment" to him.

I'm hoping the "meeting" will go well between you & ur father. But keep ur guard up...don't expect too much too soon.
 
Ive been dissapointed many times in the past, so I am not going to create some fancy dancy fairytale situation in my head.

No matter what happens, good or bad, it will put the stamp of closure on this book. If he reacts good, fine. If he reacts bad, that is just as good, because it confirms his character and how I would not want to associate with a character like that.

In response to your questions VamPyroX:

As I asked earlier, were there any legal actions made regarding his "walk out"?

No

I mean, did your mother sue him for child support?

No


Was any explanation made for why he left?

No
Why his mother disowned you as her grandson?

I dont know any reason. I was a young baby, how could have I provided any reason?

Did your mother do anything to provoke this walk out?

No, she wasnt in top health at the time anyway

Was your father married to your mother at the time when he walked out?

Yes
 
My father left when I was almost 5 yrs old and I was told that my Dad didnt want to have anything to do with my family. So in the year of 1993 and I made a contact with my Dad and got a closer. Sure enough he told me that he didnt want to have anything to do with my family so that is why he left. Yes my parent were married but never got divorced so my Dad did got married again. Yea it is bigmy. Duh
 
If I were you, I wouldn't want to see my father ever again if he walked out on me and the family, if he does not want to spend time with me, why should I spend time with him?
 
Agreed completely.

A real dad sticks thoughout the life of his child.

A dad that left his baby behind for over 20 years is NOT a truly dad, and will never be truly dad. Whats point of seeing him? He is just completely coward of raising his own kid, what excuse is that?

Trust me, even though if you met dad that you never see since birth and it is already over 20 years.... He *WILL* disappear again. Worth all the trouble? I don't think so.

Bottesini said:
I would have the opinion if he walked out before you were born and never came around, he is not worth your trouble.
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Ok this is just me.

I see the best in everyone.

I believe by this adage. "There's three sides to every story. Her side, his side and the truth."

Is it possible that you were given the safe yet misguided perception to protect you growing up about your father?

Growing up, adults always want to protect their children yet the very same adults cannot conquer their own issues while raising children. It is because children come first and the adults' issues comes last which is quite the sad case.

Please keep an open mind and an open heart when you contact your father. It is very important for you, your personal growth and for you to have closure.

You need to have this because you cannot move on and become a parent in the future without this closure. If you are to become a parent in the future without this closure, you will self-project those same issues onto your child[ren] without knowing this.

This is quite natural, believe me. I encourage you to seek closure and a possible healthy relationship with your father. Seek answers from him.

Of course, you are feeling emotions and he is feeling emotions too. He has spent 23 years apart from you - maybe for a reason beyond both your control.

Don't be too quick to close your father out when you have this opportunity to reconnect with him.
 
I would suggest you call him. I have a friend who was in the same situation. He went trying to find his dad when he was ready (he was about 25) and found out his father had died.

Get answers young man. You of all people deserve them. :smash:
 
I am so angry with my bio-parents. I shall never seek them or have revenge. I ignore them!

Unless, they have good reason to leave me to the better life.
 
Honestly? I would walk away. I actually am in your shoes or I could have been. My biological father abandoned me when I was 6 mos old. He subsequently died when I was 13 and I never tried contacting him before he died, nor did he ever see me again.

But, in my opinion, if your father wasn't man enough to be a father to you, why give him the chance now? I can understand if you want questions answered, though.

I grew up having a Dad. My Mother married my step father when I was 18 mos old, so it is different for me. I never had a void. Also, my Mother was willing to answer questions I had about my father, and she always did. So, forgive me if I'm not real helpful.

I guess it comes down to what you want from him. I also would make sure you can handle the answers to your questions. I would have someone available to you there in real life who you can talk to in case things don't go the way you want them to.

Good luck!
 
Let me tell you of my own experience. I have too found my father after 33 years of hearing nothing from him *Im 38 years old*. I sent a letter to him asking many questions. When I got no response, I called to talk to him, my half-brother answered the phone. It seems my father's other family knew nothing about me. They did not welcome the intrusion. They felt because my father was older that I was possibly after any inheritance and would not acknowledge anything I said. Even though I assured them that I wasn't. Turns out my father is in a nursing home in WVA. He denied ever knowing me or my mother. He refused to meet with me and or talk to me and answer my questions.

I would strongly suggest that you do not do this. You may upset any brothers or sisters that you may have after all this time. Because chances are no one knows about you except your father and his mother. Sometimes it is just better to wonder than to know that you really werent wanted.
 
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