Pls help me..

shel90

shel90

Love Makes the World Go Round
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My 3 year old son has been having really violent temper tantrums lately in public places. Recently, he started punching and slapping me in the face when I pick him up while he is having a tantrum. I cant just leave him to vent it out cuz he would take off putting himself in danger.

Today, I took both kids to the mall because we have been bored. The mall has a small indoor playground so my son was able to play while my daughter browsed through different fashion stores for ideas for her new wardobe. Also, I can get to people watch which is something I enjoy doing. My son asking for a coke, so I got him one. Then, my son asked to play video games at a nearby arcade...paid for a few games, then he wanted gum. I had some and gave him one and then we went back to play. There was a boy smaller than he was playing with a ball. My son started playing with him and all was fine until the boy wouldnt give it to him. I figured he was 2 years old and didnt understand the concept of sharing. My son had a fit and asked me to get the ball for him. I said no because it was the boy's ball so my son threw himself on the floor, started screaming and kicking. Then, he started eloping so I ran after him in the mall and picked him up but had to return to the play areas to get his shoes so we could leave. I wasnt going to tolerate this behavior. As soon as I bent down to get his shoes, he got loose and ran to the boy and slapped him hard. OHHH, I grabbed him and apologized to the boy's mother and took off to my car. My son was kicking, screaming at the top of his lungs and trying to get free. He got loose a few times..he is 40 lbs and all muscle (I am sure you have seen pics of him) so I kept picking him up and then all of sudden he turned and with an open palm, he wacked me across the cheek. I could even hear the impact of the slap so I grabbed his hand with one of my hand to hold it down but his hand got loose and guess what he did next? He closed his fist and proceed to punch me where he slapped me. I almost lost my temper cuz it f***cking hurt. Then, he stared pummling me in the face and I had to put him down and hold him down in the mall. I was sooo terrified that someone was gonna think I was abusing him but I couldnt carry him safetly while he was hammering my face. Finally, we got to my SUV and I strapped him in..let him wail and flail until he was worn out. Asked him if he wanted a hug and by then he was hiccuping so hard so I just held and rocked him. Told him not to hit others and mommy. This is the 2nd time in a week this has happened and I am so afraid that he is going to be like my 20 year old brother who grew up so violent since he was 2 years old and just got out of jail for the 3rd time for armed robbery.

Anyone ever experienced this and what tips do you have? My daughter didnt do that when she was a toddler. I am just worried...

I would appreciate any tips..:ty:
 
Under six years old often don't have great self control.

What about buying a lot of small toys and books like at a dollar store and setting up a reward system if Nathan meets behaviour goals?

Like letting him know in advance if he is really good at the mall or the store he will get a little prize at the end.

I can remember myself having a chart with stars for when I met behavioural goals. I worked really hard to get those foil stars that for some reason meant a lot to me.
 
Bottesini said:
Under six years old often don't have great self control.

What about buying a lot of small toys and books like at a dollar store and setting up a reward system if Nathan meets behaviour goals?

Like letting him know in advance if he is really good at the mall or the store he will get a little prize at the end.

I can remember myself having a chart with stars for when I met behavioural goals. I worked really hard to get those foil stars that for some reason meant a lot to me.
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Ok I will try that. Thanks! This is all new to me since my daughter never did anything like that when she was a toddler.
 
I'd go with Bottesini's suggestion first too... Does he know ground rules about how to behave in general in public? (I take it he does, and was just... throwing tantrum) but sometimes it helps reminding (even let them say out the rules themselves) before entering a mall...

Just a thought, but right now I wouldn't have any other suggestion to give you... :hug:
 
I would agree with Bottesini's post...

I remember that my first older daughter was tantrum at Fair. She was yelled at me in the Mall! I am stopped her and leave the fair and mall that my daughter doesn't want leave but too bad! *I used little loudly angry vocals @ at in the car or home.. not front people :giggle:! Alike Don't do that and no ice cream or not go out fun Etc...

:hug: Hope you can figure out with your son soon! :)
 
Ah, I know the feeling about what or how to deal with small kids. I like bottesini's idea. I do not know if it's working for every parents to kids by talking repeating to remind kids not to hit and if kids want to be cooperativing with parents then the prize will be given by the end. Like you plan to bring kids to somewhere else, remind him again to make sure he reply that he understands, beforehand then you all go there. If kids do throw a fit then do your way to do it then go home and discuss it over and over until kids get it.

I had shortly time experience with my boy when he threw a fit. but he was light like 30 lbs when he was 3 than your boy. I only held him and talk to him then carried him home. I was talking to him that i said, " that isn't right when you hit your own mom when mom try to help you. mom is hurt so bad." sometimes kids dont realize how hurt mom gets from kids. ah, I can understand that your boy's 40 lbs. Your boy's really strong. I know you used to be a softball player, and so you are a strong mama too.

i am sorry that i couldn't think of something else but remind kids about the talk, cooperative and the prizes. Hope your boy will come to realize it real short. almost all kids hate the talks. =X

hope he will grow out of it real soon.
 
I have 3 kids- they all know I have no tolerence when it comes to misbehavior. My daughter is worse of all- she the youngest at 3. My 2 boys were no problem. I think it is because I spoiled her at home. When my daughter started throwing fits in the store, I just picked her up and let her kick and scream and carried her outside to the car and put her down. I would get down to her eye level so she could see me at her hieght and it works. At home I had to start doing time outs for every little misfit she did so I could do same thing in store. When I say do you want a time out, she says no and stops. If she starts to throw a fit because she wanted something, she gets to have her "specail timeout seat in the cart". She hates it there and havent done it since I started that. I just wished I started early like I did with my 2 boys, but since my daughter is my last kid and she a girl, I really spoiled her so its my fault I guess. Now I am paying the price but slowly getting it reversed. Hopefully nothing more will show up in the future. :roll: yeah right! Don't get me wrong- I love my kids, they can be angels when they behave - lol :D:giggle:
 
Thanks everyone. I guess I am so paranoid that he will end up like my 20 year old brother who had been violent since he was 2 years old and is now a career criminal. I just worry because of all the horror stories my dad and stepmom went thru with him. I am sure he will be fine. I will just keep on talking to him after he calms down.

Yea, I am strong but sometimes, my son finds a way to get loose. 40 lbs of muscle is not easy to restraint.
 
As someone who has worked with severely disabled children (and I am not saying your child is disabled, but I have worked with behaviorally challenged children) I can say that positive reinforcement and following through with consequences have truly been the best methods for me in a classroom and childcare setting.

Find an opportunity when the child is doing the "right thing" and praise him for such. ie: "I love how you're sitting quietly while I'm the phone. Great job!" "Thank you for setting a good example for that little boy by sharing your ball. I'm very proud of you."

Set up the ground rules before you enter a situation. ie: "We're going into the grocery store now. You may NOT reach for items, scream, hit or kick while we are there. If you cannot listen to mommy's rules, we will go sit in the car."

The problem for you is that you may have to sacrifice getting things done for a short time while you set up boundaries. He is testing you to see what he can get away with. It is absolutely imperative that you keep your promise and go sit in the car if he doesn't listen. Yes, it's exhausting and sometimes you won't want to do it, but consistency is very, very important to curtail this behavior.

Spell out your expectations clearly and in a way you know he will understand. If he gets upset and is crying and screaming and hiccuping, let him cry it out. I work with a child who will often hit the floor screaming and crying and kicking. I make sure she hits the floor safely, and then I say, "I see you're very upset right now. I cannot talk to you while you're upset. Please let me know when you're done being upset so we can talk." The trantrum lasts for 30 seconds at most. Sometimes she won't tell me, but she'll stop crying. At this point, I'll say, "I see you're finished crying. Are you done being upset and ready to talk/play/go/etc?"

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking to see a young child in so much distress. Where is he learning this behavior from? Young children are quite impressionable. Is there something on tv he saw? Is he in a preschool program where hitting and punching are observed? The behavior is relatively new, so the time to kick it in the butt is NOW!

Hope this helps.
 
OpheliaSpeaks said:
As someone who has worked with severely disabled children (and I am not saying your child is disabled, but I have worked with behaviorally challenged children) I can say that positive reinforcement and following through with consequences have truly been the best methods for me in a classroom and childcare setting.

Find an opportunity when the child is doing the "right thing" and praise him for such. ie: "I love how you're sitting quietly while I'm the phone. Great job!" "Thank you for setting a good example for that little boy by sharing your ball. I'm very proud of you."

Set up the ground rules before you enter a situation. ie: "We're going into the grocery store now. You may NOT reach for items, scream, hit or kick while we are there. If you cannot listen to mommy's rules, we will go sit in the car."

The problem for you is that you may have to sacrifice getting things done for a short time while you set up boundaries. He is testing you to see what he can get away with. It is absolutely imperative that you keep your promise and go sit in the car if he doesn't listen. Yes, it's exhausting and sometimes you won't want to do it, but consistency is very, very important to curtail this behavior.

Spell out your expectations clearly and in a way you know he will understand. If he gets upset and is crying and screaming and hiccuping, let him cry it out. I work with a child who will often hit the floor screaming and crying and kicking. I make sure she hits the floor safely, and then I say, "I see you're very upset right now. I cannot talk to you while you're upset. Please let me know when you're done being upset so we can talk." The trantrum lasts for 30 seconds at most. Sometimes she won't tell me, but she'll stop crying. At this point, I'll say, "I see you're finished crying. Are you done being upset and ready to talk/play/go/etc?"

It is very frustrating and heartbreaking to see a young child in so much distress. Where is he learning this behavior from? Young children are quite impressionable. Is there something on tv he saw? Is he in a preschool program where hitting and punching are observed? The behavior is relatively new, so the time to kick it in the butt is NOW!

Hope this helps.
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That's what I do at home but at public places, I cant do it because he will take off or hit someone else. That's why i picked him up and took him to my SUV to let him cry it out. It took 20 mins. I totally ignored him and then when he was calm, I asked him if he was ready to stop kicking, screaming and etc. He said yes so I held him and then talked to him about no hitting.

I work with children too at school but older ones.

I guess he could have seen it on TV. Thanks
 
Take him to a child behavior specialist and she/he can figure out what is the root of his anger and frustration and find you tools and resources to deal with it. It sounds like he is extremely frustrated by his inability. Does he communicate articulately through words or signs? Is he going through anxiety that he is constantly testing his boundaries? I just sense that he is in need of a very tight structure and known routine/expectations. Malls are not a good place for that - it causes overstimulation hence tantrums as he does not feel he is in control. Does he behave better at home?
 
Gemma said:
Take him to a child behavior specialist and she/he can figure out what is the root of his anger and frustration and find you tools and resources to deal with it. It sounds like he is extremely frustrated by his inability. Does he communicate articulately through words or signs? Is he going through anxiety that he is constantly testing his boundaries? I just sense that he is in need of a very tight structure and known routine/expectations. Malls are not a good place for that - it causes overstimulation hence tantrums as he does not feel he is in control. Does he behave better at home?
Click to expand...

Gemma said it well for me. I worked with children. Developmentally delayed and emotionally frustrated as well, it doesn't mean sweet Nathan is this.

Reinforcement worked well for me but it's not always the solution to the problem.

Counseling helps as well. An over-stimulated child will have anxiety and difficulty expressing him/herself.

Sugar, especially saccharine, shouldn't be a part of a small child's diet because saccharine isn't absorbed by the body so this is where the hyper-stimulation comes in.

Shel, Nathan is just as confused as you are because he's trying to communicate with you verbally but the only way he can do it is physically. He'll yell, scream, punch and kick because that's the only way he know how to express his frustration, pain and his confusion.

Have you considered taking Nathan to a food allergy specialist? Sometimes children and their odd behaviour can be traced back to the food intake so a suggestion is to keep a food diary and record any behaviour outbursts.

The food allergy specialist is quite expensive so keep a food diary & record everything and see how it goes. It won't hurt.

Sitting down with Nathan and talk with him as well. Spend some time alone with Nathan as well. He may be projecting towards his sister because she was looking around for clothes and he wants some "Nathan and Mommy" time.

For reinforcements, do not use food, candy or money because this will may emotional eating in the future and Nathan may demand money from people for rewarding his good behaviour. Use the sticker system and explain to him that only his Mommy and Daddy does this with Nathan. When he gets 10 stickers, he has a choice of renting a video or collecting 25 stickers and he gets to watch a movie in the theatre with Mommy or Daddy.

This is fantastic for quality time and he will treasure those times.

Hang in there dear Shel, you are a wonderful mother! :hug:
 
Shel, I had 3 kids with ADD. Sigh. (No, I don't think your son has it.) I just remember trying to take 3 very active kids anywhere. Whew! I can only tell you that whatever method you decide to use, do it with love, kindness and respect. They will learn to mimic you. They are often "little mirrors".

From reading many of your posts and replies I know that you are good hearted and kind. I am sure your little one will soon grow out of this stage and become a little darling instead of a little rebel. Small goals first? If he is good this amount of time he will earn ??? for example. Rather on par with Mrs. Bucket's suggestion.

Good luck, I have been there. It will be ok, and you and he will grow and learn together. I will look for your posts about the future results!
 
thanks everyone...he hasnt had a tantrum since then. Knock on wood....

:hug:
 
I agree with Gemma....Child Guidance worked wonders for one of my boys that threw tantrums when he couldn't get his way....he was spoiled rotten.
I've seen kids do this at the grocery store, throwing a fit becuz the Mom won't buy what they want, and I admire the Mother when she "sticks to her guns" and keeps saying "NO"!....Some Mothers lose patience. It's not easy raising a demanding child. I've had to leave the store when mine threw a fit, took him home and called time-out. And no ice cream!
Patience is the key....he should outgrow this, but you must be firm!
 
I am firm..I am not afraid of his tantrums BUT I just became concerned about him slapping and punching me. The tantrums, I have no problems with..just that part of the tantrums that I have a problem with. I have never given in to either of my kids whenever they had a tantrum. My daughter who is 12 years old knows when I say no, it means no. She learned that at a very young age.
 
It's always a wait and see situation... The middle child (godson) is REALLY a lot to take... His mother and I think he is not challenged enough. He will start first grade in September now after the move so we think (and hope!) it will get better when he starts school. My friend tried getting him into school in Germany last year but they wouldn't let him!!!! I personally was mad and I think they made the wrong decision *sigh*

Anyway, he really babbles and talks a lot... ALL DAY LONG... he argues, he disagrees, he throws a lot of fits, gets physical at times, the list is endless... He constantly wants 100% attention but of course with three children, that can't work. After doing some research on the net we think his IQ level has to be above average but don't want to put pressure on him by running a test.

So we agreed: he'll start school and see how things will go from there. If it doesn't get better we'll seek for help!
 
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