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Lissa

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But this is a just a rant!!

My mother fosters and we currently have an 8 year old.


The 8 year old has been so badly behaved all day and still at it which is making me really mad because all i want her to do is to shut up and quit being naughty and annoying. i know that she has had a bad past and she knows it, she knows shes being naughty she just doing it for the sake of it, she knows what shes doing because she sits there smiling and its causing me my mum and sister to argue but we all dont agree with each other . the 8 year gets really jealous when my mum speaks to me and my sister
 
I'm sorry that she is getting on your nerves. If it helps at all keep in mind that her behavior is probably her acting out of pain. Many foster kids have a history of abuse of some kind, either from other foster parents or their biological parents. So if I were you I know it might be hard but you might consider trying to reach out to her. Offer to bring her for some ice cream or something. If she acts paranoid and wonders why you're being so nice to her, don't take it personally. Having to jump from one household to another household really tests a child's faith in the ability to love unconditionally. If I were you I would try to show her that you can love unconditionally.

I know it's hard on you and your mother too. It's hard to deal with someone who has attention-seeking behavior, whether or not they're aware of it. I hope all goes well and I hope things get better with time. Please keep me updated. Also remember I'm on AIM if you ever need someone to just listen to you. I know you probably have a lot on your nerves from her so if you need to complain I completely understand. Plus it is better for you to get your feelings out talking to someone else rather than acting on them towards her. So PM me whenever you need. I'm all ears.

<hugs>
 
Well, your mom and sister shouldn't yell at each other over someone else.

If I was mad at my girlfriend, should I yell at my best friend about it? No. I should be talking to (not yelling at) my girlfriend about it, not my best friend.

If they absolutely have to yell at each other, they should do it in private. That's like me getting in an argument with my girlfriend in the middle of the mall where everyone can see our arguments. (Believe me, I've actually seen it happen to two of my friends... it's not a pretty sight!)

I know what it's like with foster kids and foster parents. Every parent and every kid is different. It's just a matter of doing the best you can to adapt to their needs, but at the same time being firm with what you believe is right or wrong.

If the foster kid is acting like that because of her past, then she needs to be taught that she needs to let go of her past and realize that she has a foster mom who really cares about her. Show her that everyone cares about her. She's not just "a foster kid" that you have to "put up with". She's someone who requires the same kind of attention as every other non-foster kid.
 
VamPyroX said:
If the foster kid is acting like that because of her past, then she needs to be taught that she needs to let go of her past and realize that she has a foster mom who really cares about her.
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Much easier said than done. A child who has grown up feeling unloved has often formed a fundamental belief of the world that people don't love. And sometimes a traumatic past can lead to neurological damage and mental illness, often in the form of PTSD. So the idea of "letting go of the past" should be taken with the idea that it may take a long time.
 
Nika said:
Much easier said than done. A child who has grown up feeling unloved has often formed a fundamental belief of the world that people don't love. And sometimes a traumatic past can lead to neurological damage and mental illness, often in the form of PTSD. So the idea of "letting go of the past" should be taken with the idea that it may take a long time.
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Yes, it takes work... but that doesn't mean that the parents should get all upset and argue over it.

Of course, the child will have problems letting it go... but seeing the parents argue and yell some more in front of the child is like pouring gas into a fire.
 
VamPyroX said:
Yes, it takes work... but that doesn't mean that the parents should get all upset and argue over it.

Of course, the child will have problems letting it go... but seeing the parents argue and yell some more in front of the child is like pouring gas into a fire.
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Yes I definitely agree with that.
 
What is it that we don't understand? That the child has a bad past, and she is simply doing all that she knows to do? Just because she seems to know what she is doing doesn't mean that she knows another way to behave. She will have to be taught gently and patiently. She is not responsible for the past that taught her the bad behavior.
 
Of course, the child will have problems letting it go... but seeing the parents argue and yell some more in front of the child is like pouring gas into a fire.


its not easy for the people who have to deal with her behaviour too!
 
Deafteen90 said:
Of course, the child will have problems letting it go... but seeing the parents argue and yell some more in front of the child is like pouring gas into a fire.


its not easy for the people who have to deal with her behaviour too!
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No, its not easy for anyone. But, that is what you accept when decide to foster.
 
Deafteen90 said:
But this is a just a rant!!

My mother fosters and we currently have an 8 year old.


The 8 year old has been so badly behaved all day and still at it which is making me really mad because all i want her to do is to shut up and quit being naughty and annoying. i know that she has had a bad past and she knows it, she knows shes being naughty she just doing it for the sake of it, she knows what shes doing because she sits there smiling and its causing me my mum and sister to argue but we all dont agree with each other . the 8 year gets really jealous when my mum speaks to me and my sister
Click to expand...

Why don't you try to spend a little quality time with her? Show her that you care? Show her that people can love and do love other people. She's acting up because she feels unloved and feels jealous and feels like she's been abandoned due to being in the foster care system. I was in foster care from the age of 13 until I was 18, so I know how it feels to be in foster care. Take her out for a movie or rent a DVD and watch it with her or do a little crafts with her or watch TV with her or play board games with her...do something with her everyday. One thing a day will really benefit her. Show her some love, too. Eventually she will realize that people do care about her and do love her, and then eventually she will start to behave. Your mom should do the same, too. Show her a little attention and some love. Many foster children get NO attention at all, and it is all that they crave and they crave love too as well. I remember that in several foster homes I got NO attention, and that was not good for me. Only two foster families have given me attention and love out of the many foster homes I have been in. Foster care was really rough for me.

I am not trying to criticize you, I'm just giving you a little advice from my own experience as a foster child for 5 years. I craved love and attention, and in many foster homes, I didn't get it at all. I felt abandoned, lonely, jealous, and many other unpleasant feelings.

And her letting go of her past is not going to be easy. She may need therapy. I had a bad past, and I still have not completely let go of it yet, and I'm 28 now.

Also, when your 8 year old sister misbehaves, she should be put in a time out or have her privileges taken away or some thing like that. Use appropriate discipline, Please don't hit her or anything like that. It will only cause her to misbehave more. Teach her that her bad behavior is not acceptable.
 
Deafteen90 said:
none of you understand
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I do understand. I was a foster child for 5 years. The foster system is NOT pleasant, and most of the homes are bad. Only a few are good. Most of the time, we don't get lucky, but sometimes we get lucky and land in a good foster home. Your 8 year old foster sister may have been in many bad foster homes or a terrible children's home before she came to your family. Of course she is going to act up. She wants and craves attention.
 
jillio said:
What is it that we don't understand? That the child has a bad past, and she is simply doing all that she knows to do? Just because she seems to know what she is doing doesn't mean that she knows another way to behave. She will have to be taught gently and patiently. She is not responsible for the past that taught her the bad behavior.
Click to expand...

As a former foster child, I agree with you.
 
Deafteen, I got your PM, and I'm sorry to hear what happened...check your PM box. Hang in there. *hugs to you and your mother* :hug:
 
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