Need an opinion please....

KristinaB

KristinaB

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I have not learned enough ASL to get by anywhere, but my family (mostly mother) still do not get the fact that I have lost my hearing. They talk to my back and expect me to answer and get real angry when I don't. They also expect me to carry on a conversation while driving after dark. I'm the one driving.

I have seen on other threads where a person will say they refuse to be verbal due to some problems they had and I think it was just in response to that problem, and hasn't lasted for a while.

How can I get my family to realize that I'm not ignoring them, I just can't hear them. They all know I am deaf, but it's like they won't accept it. I'm 3 years without any hearing. This is after 13 years of marriage (b/4 I lost it) and when I was 43.

There are days when I just feel like giving up on being verbal, but then I feel that isn't fair to them since they (and I) don't know enough ASL.

Any suggestions?
 
Everyone here has an opinion and will tell you about it. :lol:

I recommend *demanding* what you need. If family member refuse to watch tv with closed captioning, tell them that you need it. If they still complain, quit watching tv with them and go do something else. When you refuse to hang around them while they are refusing to accommodate you, they will either change or lose your companionship.

You have to learn to advocate for yourself and you may not feel comfortable in this role at first. Let them call you a bitch. I say, that's Mrs. Bitch to you! :P

You will probably be forced to reevaluate certain relationships in your life, but that may be for the best. I've declined to keep up some relationships when I discovered that the people were not supportive. In my case, this included some family members, too.

Learn ASL and get involved in the deaf community. Not only is it essential for your mental health, it will enrich your life, too. :D
 
That's hard for me to say since I was deaf to start, but I enjoy talking with my family. If they don't understand something, I sign it.

Plus I read lips pretty well, but they sign what I can't understand. Everyone in my family knows sign. Not perfect ASL but PSE.

I don't understand how you could go three years without them giving you any accommodation.

I know you home school. Maybe you could incorporate ASL into your childrens' daily lessons. Then at least you would have two easy to talk to, plus they could interpret for you what you can't understand from the oldsters.
 
Amen sisters! Plus, you really Do Not have to talk with them. When some one does that to me I play my granny smile card. Already told them that I was deaf, cant hear. So when the dear things keeps "muppet mouthing" (stolen from a wise ad member) I smile my sweetest "you dumb dork, bet your mama dropped you" granny grin. If done properly, it can cause the offender to blush or implode. lol
 
LDNanna said:
Amen sisters! Plus, you really Do Not have to talk with them. When some one does that to me I play my granny smile card. Already told them that I was deaf, cant hear. So when the dear things keeps "muppet mouthing" (stolen from a wise ad member) I smile my sweetest "you dumb dork, bet your mama dropped you" granny grin. If done properly, it can cause the offender to blush or implode. lol
Click to expand...

:laugh2:

Good one! My mother in law complains to my hubby about me not talking to her but when I do, she always interrupts my attempts to talk to her to jump into other conversations going on in the house, looks away while talking to me, or mumbles. I tell her again and again that I cant carry on a conversation that way but she still hasnt changed so I gave up. Now, she is complaining about me. Cant win, heh!

Do what you gotta what's right for you, KristinaB. Hang in there!
 
I have tried getting the kids to do ASL with home school, but with daughter's memory problems, she has difficulties and son would prefer to fingerspell all day. The biggest issue with my mother is, she has beginnings of dementia. We do use CC on TV, and I do have telephones with lights that flash when ringing. I also use a CapTel phone for captioned calls. Hubby is trying (very), but he has really mastered "coffee start please" for each morning and little things like that. Mostly it's my mother and I think it's just too hard for her with having me be able to hear for 43 years, then to lose it just as she starts having major illness that bring on her dementia.

I already keep and pad of paper and pencil wth me at all times.

What I think is funny is that I have been trying realy hard to learn ASL and with my going over what I have learned, I find I'm doing it in my sleep. I will have a conversation with myself in my sleep and use sign language. Daughter (who sleeps in our room due to lack of space in house) will wake up and see, then get flashlight and wake me up to tell me to "Stop!! and go to sleep!!"
:laugh2:
 
Your family are in denial, they have to come to terms with your hearing loss. They have to learn to communicate with you in a different manner. It's not fair that you have to work extra hard to communicate with them, when your life is not about making your family's life easier. They have to learn to respect and embrace you as a deaf person. They have to find a way to communicate with you effectively.
 
try being denial about your hearing loss and she'll probably try get you to accept that you are deaf LOL

see it in many folks who lost their hearing due to age. They are always denial about it... and the younger folks keep trying to get them to accept it.

But anyway, most mothers don't like to face the fact that their children have problems.

Especially they see it as a negative thing. When my mom had breast cancer, she, my dad, and her mother were very denial about it. They didn't want to believe it and kept wanting a second opinion. btw, my mother did have dementia later (It was near her death due to breast cancer and her body was shutting down) .. and it seem like she was living in the past. I think in this case, try to have a little patience with your mother. She already have her plate full. Having dementia is very frustrating for a person. If she get mad at you, just say you are sorry, you couldn't hear her and try not to worry about her accepting your deafness.

She'll accept it on her own term when she is ready.
 
My family is still in denial. So are some of my friends. I've accommodated my hearing family, and I feel at least they can accommodate me....got tired of repeating, "I'm deaf, remember"? When asked, "oh, you didn't hear about that"? Or "you didn't know about that ? !!" "Everybody knows it, I can't believe you don't".

Ahhhh, sometimes it's a losing battle, no one wins this. If I were blind or in a wheelchair, I'm sure I would be accommodated 100%. But deafness? It's invisible....Short of carrying a sign around at family gatherings saying "I'm deaf, remember"?, I just paste a smile on my face........makes them wonder what I'm up to.
 
I guess I am coming at this with your same perspective. I am latent HoH. I doubt that your family is so much in "denial" as they are having a hard time adjusting to the change. It's easy to forget someone's inability to hear when in casual conversation with someone you have known as hearing for years. Remember, this is just as frustrating of a change for them as it is for you. Expecting your family to learn ASL for you is unrealistic though. ASL may help open communications for you with other deafies, but it isn't plausible that everyone you encounter on a daily basis is going to learn it just for your sake. Keep a pen & paper handy.
 
I love ASL and it is a wonderful language, but if two people want to communicate it is totally unnecessary. When I was a kid my friends parents were Deaf. I learned "how to talk with my hands" (it wasn't ASL yet) but my mother never learned a word -- and she became good friends with his parents -- The same way she did with anyone else she knew who did not speak English.

It is amazing what two people with no common language between them can convey to each other if they want too: And if they don't want too -- having a common language just confuses the issue by making it look as though they are communicating.
 
Thanks everyone. I will "mull" everything over. My kids have decided they want to learn as my son is beginning to lose his hearing as well. Daughter just wants to school credit. Hubby has agreed to try for sanity's sake. Mother and mother-in-law have said, that if I sign while talking, they will begin to pick it up, but other than that, they will try harder.

My uncle in NJ has begun to send me emails with videos he's made and provided the wording (until I learn enough sign) for our weekly letters. He wants me to try the same. I wasn't aware he knew ASL since I am the only hoh/deaf person in the family. He learned for me and I haven't physically seen him for 25 years. He's my mother's baby brother. He and his family learned to support me from afar. He felt that it was the least he could do since his intelligence limits a lot of things. He is a professor of Ethics and Applied Mathematics (think Charlie Eppes on Numb3rs, CBS).
 
I would like to suggest you see "Audism Unveiled" a DVD that has stories that made our whole family cry.

Personally I cannot conceive of having a deaf family member and not knowing ASL.
 
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