Megladon
New Member
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2003
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Hope everyone has a few mins to read... i'm gunna pile them in this 1 thread, the best of what i have that is, starting with the beer prayr.
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN
*************************************************
This is a story about Jack
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the agerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses. Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack developes a rhythm he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released. Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same
madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are
several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack. Jack gives
the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other.
Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each
other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is
getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten
bucks eh?!"
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing..... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken."
*******************************************
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the
cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it..
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
ate it!", says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first!"
*************************************************
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
***************************************************
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Malach Gavriel
(Angel Gabriel)
had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
*********************************************
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a good jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediatley had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
************************************************
The man picked up his bag and thanked the innkeeper. He headed straight to
the end of town and there was the boarding house just as the innkeeper had
said. He started to head up the driveway, when he noticed that the farmer's wife was standing on the porch and she was rubbing her tits and pointing at the barn. Not wanting to disturb this wonderful sight, he hid down behind the bushes. Thats when the man then noticed the farmer at the end of the field, he was standing there with his pants around his ankles pulling his pud and pointing at the sky.
Well the guy thought "shit this is just to much for me" and he headed back
to the inn.
He went straight up to the inkeeper and said "what kind of a guy do you
think I am, I got there and found the wife rubbing her tits on the porch and pointing at the barn and the farmer was in the field pulling his pud and pointing at the sky".
The inkeep says " Oh, you don't need to worry about them folks, but I
forgot to tell you that they were both deaf". "The wife was just asking her husband to milk the cows and he was saying fuck you it's going to rain.
Ok... well thats some of my better ones... it is 4am and i should really be getting to bed, i have to be up in 3.5 hours for work... so if i managed not to totaly offend anyone, i'll post more funny stuff after work, or after i get back tonight.
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
BARMEN
*************************************************
This is a story about Jack
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the door behind her. With the agerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses. Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to fuck the chicken. As soon as Jack developes a rhythm he starts to enjoy himself a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while until all that built up frustration is finally released. Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same
madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are
several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells Jack. Jack gives
the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other.
Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each
other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is
getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty good show for ten
bucks eh?!"
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing..... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken."
*******************************************
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The
monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the
cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything
in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it..
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and
ate it!", says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he
measures everything first!"
*************************************************
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
***************************************************
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Malach Gavriel
(Angel Gabriel)
had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full
today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
*********************************************
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a good jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediatley had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
************************************************
The man picked up his bag and thanked the innkeeper. He headed straight to
the end of town and there was the boarding house just as the innkeeper had
said. He started to head up the driveway, when he noticed that the farmer's wife was standing on the porch and she was rubbing her tits and pointing at the barn. Not wanting to disturb this wonderful sight, he hid down behind the bushes. Thats when the man then noticed the farmer at the end of the field, he was standing there with his pants around his ankles pulling his pud and pointing at the sky.
Well the guy thought "shit this is just to much for me" and he headed back
to the inn.
He went straight up to the inkeeper and said "what kind of a guy do you
think I am, I got there and found the wife rubbing her tits on the porch and pointing at the barn and the farmer was in the field pulling his pud and pointing at the sky".
The inkeep says " Oh, you don't need to worry about them folks, but I
forgot to tell you that they were both deaf". "The wife was just asking her husband to milk the cows and he was saying fuck you it's going to rain.
Ok... well thats some of my better ones... it is 4am and i should really be getting to bed, i have to be up in 3.5 hours for work... so if i managed not to totaly offend anyone, i'll post more funny stuff after work, or after i get back tonight.
