I would like to have them understand that it is necessary for them to confront their own bias and fear of deafness, and make every attempt to overcome those, rather than denying their existence and sequestering their child from a group of people that can provide a perspective the hearing parent can never provide...what it is to be a deaf child. I would like them to develop some degree of self honesty about their own feelings and reactions to having a deaf child, rather than burying them deep inside so that they are projected onto the child. I would like for parents to come to terms with their own issues in order that those issues do not have a negative impact on their deaf child.
This has nothing to do with choosing a CI or not choosing a CI. It does have to do with self honesty of both those things that we see as acceptable and not acceptable, and understanding that polarities occur in life and in feelings.
I have yet to see a hearing parent on this forum admit that they were devastated when they discovered that their child was deaf. Do I believe that they did not experience any negative emotion as a result of the diagnosis? Most certainly not. I believe that they fail to admit to it because they believe that it is not acceptable to say, "I was devasted. I did not want a deaf child." They attempt to hide those negative feelings not just from everyone else, but, most importantly, from themselves. As a consequence, they never deal with them, and their whole focus is in projecting that onto others.
Well, let me be the first hearing parent to say it. "I was devastated when I found out my son was deaf. I did not want a deaf child, I did not plan for a deaf child, and I did not know what to do with a deaf child." That is a normal human reaction, and one that all hearing parents have. The question is not whether they have such a reaction, but whether they can honestly admit to that reaction in order to deal with it.
I fully admitted that I did not know anything about what it was to be a deaf child. That is why I turned to the people who could teach me about that experience. Deaf adults who had been deaf children. It would have been much easier to pretend to be superhuman and to have all the answers than it was to step outside of my comfort zone and reach out to others for help in understanding my own child. But would it have benefitted me or my child to create a false sense of security and denial, and have that be the very foundation of not just our relationship, but his self image, as well? Decidedly not.
Hearing parents need to let go of the obsession of being judged as a "good parent" or a "bad parent". The issue is not one of good or bad, but of being adult enough to put your own feelings aside in order to take the perspective of your child. It's called empathy, and if we don't develop it for our own children, who can we develop it for?
