In-laws

[shel90]

For Thanksgiving, my husband and kids went to my in-laws. My husband wanted all of us to go like at 9 AM in the morning and stay until 11 PM at night cuz he needs to help with cooking and dinner starts at 6 PM. His family love to stay late playing card games and stuff. I told my husband that I didnt want to go that early and that I would go later. He looked hurt but accepted it. Later I asked him why he looked hurt and he said that he likes to go together as a family.

Now, this here is my dilemna and would like your experiences and feedback.

My husband is hearing and his signing is considered "beginning" and all of his family are hearing and do not know any signs. That is fine with me and I dont expect them to learn sign although it would be nice. During the first year, I would join him to go over there and stay there all day with them. U know what happened? At first, they would say" hi and how are u?" to me and I would make attempts at conversations but someone else in the house always starts talking and then the person or persons that I am trying to have a conversation would get into the other conversation and then everyone seems to "forget" me and I would end up sitting there BORED out of my mind cuz I CANT understand what everyone is saying. During the first year, I worked so hard to start conversations or to talk to different family members but it would always end up with me sitting by myself talking on my pager or watching TV while everyone is yapping away. So, I told my husband that I am done trying cuz they wouldnt make an effort to make sure I am included and he said that was fine but wants me to join him. I told him that there is no way in hell I am staying there all day BORED out of my mind and wasting my day. I WILL come but not ALL day! I have other things I can do or finish rather than sit all day wasting my time when nobody seems to know that I am there! Am I being selfish or making a compromise on my part by coming for a couple of hours?

My own family especially my mom always made sure my brother and I understood what everyone is saying. Of course cuz they are very aware of our needs so my own family is not a problem. My brother sent me an email last night saying how bored he was at his own in-laws on Thanksgiving Day and how he ended up sitting alone watching football while his fiancee ( yes hearing and fluent in ASL) and her family sat together on the table chatting and laughing. Is that fair? Should we expect our hearing in-laws who has NEVER met deaf people before make the accodomations? I dont expect it but I dont expect them to get upset with me if I dont come with my husband all the time. So frustrating!!!!

Pls tell me about your own experiences and how u dealt with them. Any advice?

 

[Cheri]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, Whenever we go over our family relatives house, they're always sitting by the table having a good time with conversation going on along with laughters, I sometimes felt hurt and finding myself being left out so many times, I would find myself sitting there just looking at the clock hoping an hour will past by so I can leave. I don't stay long at my relative's place of home, because it's always so bored there, I never understand what they're talking about over there. Sometimes it's sucks to be deaf having no hearing, sometimes I wondered if they ever thought about me, or was thinking about me when they can see me over there sitting all alone? Sometimes my aunt, would catch me being by myself, she would come over and talk to me. I love my aunt and her new husband, they're both are good people, people that have the thoughts of caring of others.

 

[Fo'Shizzle]

Ask sombody next to you to fill in what everybody is saying~ it doesn't hurt to ask.. They are your family and friends. I don't let anything bother me since I do ask sombody if Im missing out somthing. I still have my good times with laughter with my family and friends. Keep your chin up!

 

[shel90]

Ask sombody next to you to fill in what everybody is saying~ it doesn't hurt to ask.. They are your family and friends. I don't let anything bother me since I do ask sombody if Im missing out somthing. I still have my good times with laughter with my family and friends. Keep your chin up!

I do that with my own family. They are good about that but it is my in-laws that are the problem. Nothing against them, but like I said before, during my first year of being with my husband, I made all the effort to be involved from starting conversations or asking people what everyone says but then they would all stop talking with me to jump into another conversation that is happening and all of them would get so into their conversations and just keep on chatttttinnnggg away. It is just tooo much work for me to constantly tap on people to ask them to repeat what everyone is saying. I need some effort on their part too..cant do it all alone. Tried that..tooo much hassle for me so I just prefer to come on my time and make my "appearance" and leave after a few hours. I think that is respectful on my part and I dont mind that but my husband says I hurt him when I do that. Guess I will have to stick up for myself on that one.

 

[Fo'Shizzle]

I do that with my own family. They are good about that but it is my in-laws that are the problem. Nothing against them, but like I said before, during my first year of being with my husband, I made all the effort to be involved from starting conversations or asking people what everyone says but then they would all stop talking with me to jump into another conversation that is happening and all of them would get so into their conversations and just keep on chatttttinnnggg away. It is just tooo much work for me to constantly tap on people to ask them to repeat what everyone is saying. I need some effort on their part too..cant do it all alone. Tried that..tooo much hassle for me so I just prefer to come on my time and make my "appearance" and leave after a few hours. I think that is respectful on my part and I dont mind that but my husband says I hurt him when I do that. Guess I will have to stick up for myself on that one.

Give it time~ they will come along and understand better. Some people love to chattttt all the time... It can be a pain in the butt at times, if it was somthing important Im sure they will let you know.. But if it isn't I wouldn't worry about it. Just go along with them. Well about going to your In laws, It's up to the both of you, if you want to come at your time then go for it... It shouldn't hurt anybody.. as long as you "show" up! Thats all it matters! But I hope you get it all cleared out! Keep your Chin up!!!

 

[shel90]

Thanks!

 

[Fo'Shizzle]

Thanks!

Anytime!

 

[VamPyroX]

That's one reason why I avoid dating a hearing person. They may sign a little, but signing isn't a big part of their life... so they forget to sign when they start talking.

I have hearing friends who sign a lot. They sign during spoken conversations with hearing people. So, I don't feel left out.

 

[shel90]

That's one reason why I avoid dating a hearing person. They may sign a little, but signing isn't a big part of their life... so they forget to sign when they start talking.

I have hearing friends who sign a lot. They sign during spoken conversations with hearing people. So, I don't feel left out.

Oh my husband is willing to sign everything but I dont want him to use his time with his family as an interpretor. Not fair to him. Signing is a BIG part of his life now cuz of me. He signs when talking with his family but it is them when they all start talking at once is when I get lost and I get to the point where I am so behind the conversation where it is not even worth trying.

My husband is great and respects me and ASL . His family doesnt understand the need for it especially that I can use my voice so well. My hearing 1 year old son started signing and they asked my husband WHY does he need to know sign. He explained but they just dont get it. I guess they are more close-minded than I thought. Well, I married my husband not them so fuck them. LOL!

 

[Fo'Shizzle]

That's one reason why I avoid dating a hearing person. They may sign a little, but signing isn't a big part of their life... so they forget to sign when they start talking.

I have hearing friends who sign a lot. They sign during spoken conversations with hearing people. So, I don't feel left out.

You don't aways have to avoid hearing people.... We're all humans.... Nobody isn't perfect... Give a hearing person a chance, if it doesn't work, then move to the next person... Don't shut out hearing people, You might find the person who is hearing, and is willing to sign for you, work harder? Who knows.. date deaf and hearing.. You won't miss out anything specail or otherwise they would let you know for sure. But it's your life and I hope the best for you!

 

[Angel]

You don't aways have to avoid hearing people.... We're all humans.... Nobody isn't perfect... Give a hearing person a chance, if it doesn't work, then move to the next person... Don't shut out hearing people, You might find the person who is hearing, and is willing to sign for you, work harder? Who knows.. date deaf and hearing.. You won't miss out anything specail or otherwise they would let you know for sure. But it's your life and I hope the best for you!

Umm...He's talking about avoid dating hearing people, and he's not shutting hearing people out, he can date whoever he wants...

 

[shel90]

That's one reason why I avoid dating a hearing person. They may sign a little, but signing isn't a big part of their life... so they forget to sign when they start talking.

I have hearing friends who sign a lot. They sign during spoken conversations with hearing people. So, I don't feel left out.

See I had the same beliefs as u did during the 4 years after I split with my ex but I fell in love with my current husband who is hearing. I had to ask myself, " If I marry a deaf guy, would that be true love or just out of convienence cuz the guy is deaf too?". I just had to follow my heart and after 2 years of being together, I feel that we are a match made in heaven. If I had went ahead and married those deaf guys knowing I wasnt in love with them, FOR sure our marriages wouldnt last. To avoid dating hearing person is your choice but if u date deaf people and nothing works out, then maybe your true love is a hearing person. Just a food for thought.....

 

[CutePommie]

Been there before and now am glad dont have any in-laws anymore ya ya !!.... no offence !..

 

[CutePommie]

Few times when my ex hubby (hearing) and I went to visit his mother's . And we arrived just outside at her driveway and i caughted his mother's attitude's from the window when she was peered out see who had arrived and i asked my ex hubby just turn around and went back home .. then she phoned asked my ex hubby why have to left sudden when just arrived .. my hubby did told her the truth then she went gulped and hung up .... so from there my ex hubby went to visited his mother on his own.

Now I am so glad i dont have her for my mother in law anymore because she is a witch for a mother in law like her . ... my kids do not need to having grandmother like her.

 

[Liza]

shel, first off, it sounds like your inlaws have NO respect for you. I wondered if it was unintentional with the way they act toward you.. but I have little doubt that they are being jerks because they made that comment about your hearing son learning signs. They show zero interest in your communicating needs.. if they don't care if your son communicates with you.. that is scary and worrisome to me. Your hb should understand why you don't want to spend too much time there, and he should also "educate" his family to accomodate you... they need to be sensitive to your feelings since you are part of the family, too. They are boorish to ignore you and talk over you, but you're stuck with them.. so maybe both you and hb can show an united front and spread ASL pamphlets and Deaf culture. Bring pen and paper and stuff... talk with family members individually, one on one.. maybe? Can you talk with a family therapist about this and for ideas to deal with the inlaws? If you do, pls share!

I can relate a bit to this, actually - it could also be a case that they need to get used to you. My inlaws aren't jerks, but they have gotten used to me.. and they make real efforts to communicate with me - pen n paper, and ask me about things.. and take a real interest in me, and I do the same for them. Give and take. It just took about 10 meetings before they were brave enough to write with me, though!

 

[shel90]

shel, first off, it sounds like your inlaws have NO respect for you. I wondered if it was unintentional with the way they act toward you.. but I have little doubt that they are being jerks because they made that comment about your hearing son learning signs. They show zero interest in your communicating needs.. if they don't care if your son communicates with you.. that is scary and worrisome to me. Your hb should understand why you don't want to spend too much time there, and he should also "educate" his family to accomodate you... they need to be sensitive to your feelings since you are part of the family, too. They are boorish to ignore you and talk over you, but you're stuck with them.. so maybe both you and hb can show an united front and spread ASL pamphlets and Deaf culture. Bring pen and paper and stuff... talk with family members individually, one on one.. maybe? Can you talk with a family therapist about this and for ideas to deal with the inlaws? If you do, pls share!

I can relate a bit to this, actually - it could also be a case that they need to get used to you. My inlaws aren't jerks, but they have gotten used to me.. and they make real efforts to communicate with me - pen n paper, and ask me about things.. and take a real interest in me, and I do the same for them. Give and take. It just took about 10 meetings before they were brave enough to write with me, though!

Well..when it is just us and his parents, they make every effort to talk to me so I am fine with that but it is during a big family affair is that everyone just gets so caught up in their conversations. I have tapped and asked some members what's going on and they would start telling me but once they hear a joke somewhere in the room, they would stop and jump into that conversations. I dont think they are being jerks but definitely very ignorant about deaf needs. Thanks for your ideas..I will talk to my husband about doing what u suggested.

About why my son should learn sign language..if this is bad enough...this is even worse. One time I went to the gym and I ran into one of the students at my school and his parents. They know me so we started talking and then my daughter comes out of the locker room and started signing to me about something. The parents looked at me completely shocked and said "I didnt know u have a deaf daughter." I said..."no no..she is hearing but knows ASL." U know what they said? U got it...they asked me "Why does she need to know ASL?" I went :jaw: Unbelievable on how ignorant poeple are out there!

 

[Star]

Oh my goodness, I'm in the same boat with you..
I can image feeling left out with in-laws. I have not met my in-laws yet, cause they live in England. So, my in-law write e-mail to my husband. We do keep in touch with my husband family..
Anyway, I do have problem with hearing people. When I join the party with them and with my husband too. That was in the past. I do feel left out not being in conversation. Some of my husband's friend ask him, why she didn't talk? I told my husband, I cannot understand what they saying. They talk too fast and same time talking in group. I cannot do it. They think I am mean, but I am not mean and it because I cannot understand conversation. I have notice some hearing people don't know how to commincated with me. I really hate that. I can speak really well, but I have problem to pronoun the word. My family, well I would say, I do feel left out. Not always talk to me very much, when we have dinner together.. Not really talk much. None of my family know sign language, I am the only one know sign language. My husband is hearing ,which is I never had a problem communicated with my husband.. He know some sign language, I did teach him.He had a great respect with me. I told him how I feel about being left out and it because I am HOH. Now, he understand why I feel being left out. He did told his friend about it. NOw, they talk to me and it is feel good being in conversation with them.

Anyway, you mention that a lady ask you?? It is ignorant, I would slap her face.

 

[shel90]

Anyway, you mention that a lady ask you?? It is ignorant, I would slap her face.

What lady? Are u talking about the students' parents? The student is deaf with a CI and his parents have been battling against ASL for years and finally accepted it last year. They still prefer him to learn how to speak and read lips. It is just that they were shocked that my hearing daughter knows sign language and their attitude was like "Why teach her?"

 

[Angel]

About why my son should learn sign language..if this is bad enough...this is even worse. One time I went to the gym and I ran into one of the students at my school and his parents. They know me so we started talking and then my daughter comes out of the locker room and started signing to me about something. The parents looked at me completely shocked and said "I didnt know u have a deaf daughter." I said..."no no..she is hearing but knows ASL." U know what they said? U got it...they asked me "Why does she need to know ASL?" I went :jaw: Unbelievable on how ignorant poeple are out there!

Wow I'm surprise my ex mother in law wasn't the only one....This happened when my first son was 2, I taught him basic sign language such as " mom " , " drink ", " food " etc, so that I can understand my own son without anyone telling me what he said, well I was so excited and had my 2 years old showed his grandmother what signs he knew, once he showed them to her, she looked at me with an attitude and said " why are you teaching your son sign language, he's not deaf!!! " and I was so shocked and speechless , didn't expect her to say this flat out like that, and then I said " well, I'm his mother, and I wanted to teach him sign language so I could commicate with him ", she rolled her eyes and then said " you can lip read " then she got up and walked away....I tried to hold my tears back and not letting this effect me personally, so I asked my ex husband I wanted to leave, he said " don't take everything so personal ".. *speechless*

 

[Star]

What lady? Are u talking about the students' parents? The student is deaf with a CI and his parents have been battling against ASL for years and finally accepted it last year. They still prefer him to learn how to speak and read lips. It is just that they were shocked that my hearing daughter knows sign language and their attitude was like "Why teach her?"

I'm talking about what you say in locker room with your daughter. When a person ask you a stupid question. Its make me feel like, I want to slap it.