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Quwaz

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Let me start by saying that I'm not deaf nor hard of hearing, and I only know very limited sign from when I was a child in school. (though I would like to learn) So I'm sorry if I shouldn't be on this site, but I am looking for help and I don't really know where I should look.

I have am dating a girl in college who can't speak. She has her hearing, but because of abuse as a baby she lost all ability to use her vocal cords. For her whole life she has kept a white board that she writes on to communicate with people. I have been concerned about her not wanting to learn to speak with sign, and she regularly gets mocked for having her writing board. I have asked her about why she has not learned, but she always comes up with a different excuse: "It is expensive to take the classes." "I don't want to give up the summer." "I'm used to my routine." etc. When I asked her if she is worried that people will think she is deaf when they see her signing she started to cry.

I don't want to push her into learning to sign when she doesn't want to, and I don't want to try to "fix" her by making her learn. I'm just worried about her because I care about her and I think it would greatly help her to be able to have conversations where she is engaged with people instead of stuck behind her white board.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and I'm sorry if I'm not posting in the right place. I have never been on an online forum before. If anyone knows any advice that could help or anything to say I would greatly appreciate it.
 
Maybe you can casually learn a few signs together. Basic signs at first that will help you get by. Lifeprint.com is a great site and you can learn the top 100 words very easily. Maybe one day when your sitting together you can show her a sign for like "beautiful" and make her smile. It might be she is scared taking a class and being in front of a lot of people.
I hope this helps, I wish you lot's of luck.
 
Quwaz said:
Let me start by saying that I'm not deaf nor hard of hearing, and I only know very limited sign from when I was a child in school. (though I would like to learn) So I'm sorry if I shouldn't be on this site, but I am looking for help and I don't really know where I should look.

I have am dating a girl in college who can't speak. She has her hearing, but because of abuse as a baby she lost all ability to use her vocal cords. For her whole life she has kept a white board that she writes on to communicate with people. I have been concerned about her not wanting to learn to speak with sign, and she regularly gets mocked for having her writing board. I have asked her about why she has not learned, but she always comes up with a different excuse: "It is expensive to take the classes." "I don't want to give up the summer." "I'm used to my routine." etc. When I asked her if she is worried that people will think she is deaf when they see her signing she started to cry.

I don't want to push her into learning to sign when she doesn't want to, and I don't want to try to "fix" her by making her learn. I'm just worried about her because I care about her and I think it would greatly help her to be able to have conversations where she is engaged with people instead of stuck behind her white board.

I'm sorry for such a long post, and I'm sorry if I'm not posting in the right place. I have never been on an online forum before. If anyone knows any advice that could help or anything to say I would greatly appreciate it.
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You sound just like in the movie "Children of Lesser God" where Marlee Matlin played a Deaf woman who does not speak and refuse to speak and work in the Deaf school. Her boyfriend is a teacher at the Deaf school. He knew ASL but he would rather have the Deaf students to learn how to speak. He sound just like you wanting a Deaf woman to speak and encouraged or forced her to learn to speak. That is what is wrong in the deaf/hearing relationship because most often it is the hearing who always try to force a girlfriend or boyfriend to be like them.

If you have not realized how important it is to learn to sign ASL (American Sign Language) so that she can communicate with you instead of the white board. You should never try to change her to be like a hearing person. Let her decide for herself, not you. If she refuse to speak, then let her be. If you refuse to learn ASL, then she would rather write down on the white board no matter where she goes in public. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of her being out in public with the white board, then you are not fit to be with her if you can not accept her for who she is. She is a human being and have her rights to be a Deaf person. There I have said it. I am proud to be a Deaf person and no one should tell me how to run my life and make me be like them. We all have different diversity and perspectives. You just have to learn to live with a person who is different from you.
 
Bebonang said:
You sound just like in the movie "Children of Lesser God" where Marlee Matlin played a Deaf woman who does not speak and refuse to speak and work in the Deaf school. Her boyfriend is a teacher at the Deaf school. He knew ASL but he would rather have the Deaf students to learn how to speak. He sound just like you wanting a Deaf woman to speak and encouraged or forced her to learn to speak. That is what is wrong in the deaf/hearing relationship because most often it is the hearing who always try to force a girlfriend or boyfriend to be like them.

If you have not realized how important it is to learn to sign ASL (American Sign Language) so that she can communicate with you instead of the white board. You should never try to change her to be like a hearing person. Let her decide for herself, not you. If she refuse to speak, then let her be. If you refuse to learn ASL, then she would rather write down on the white board no matter where she goes in public. If you are embarrassed or ashamed of her being out in public with the white board, then you are not fit to be with her if you can not accept her for who she is. She is a human being and have her rights to be a Deaf person. There I have said it. I am proud to be a Deaf person and no one should tell me how to run my life and make me be like them. We all have different diversity and perspectives. You just have to learn to live with a person who is different from you.
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Bebonang
Please, please reread the original post! There is NOT a hearing problem involved. His girl friend has a problem speaking and uses a white board. He thinks that learning ASL would help them communicate with each other and her with other people. He is looking for tips to help get her interested to the point of following through on learning it.
 
Jane is right. They both are hearing. Please re-read the original post.
 
MangaReader said:
Jane is right. They both are hearing. Please re-read the original post.
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Yes that is correct , the OP g/f had been horribly abused and can't speak . How sad that happen to her. I agree that the g/f need to decide on her own if she want to learn ASL . The OP should let it go if his g/f does not want to learn ASL . He has to accept her as she is and support her and let her tell him if she need any help from while out in public .
 
Since her loss of voice was the result of trauma, her dependence on her note board is probably more than just a communication issue. Even if ASL would make logical sense, her problem isn't a logical one. Perhaps her note board is a security blanket, or a wall of protection from others hurting her, or a way she can have control over her interactions with people. I don't know but I would guess it goes deeper than just a communication mode.

Perhaps if you invited her to attend an ASL class with you as just an interesting thing to do together she would consider that. Don't suggest ASL as a substitute for her board but as a supplement to it. In other words, don't suggest that she give up her board. If and when she is ready someday, she will do that.

I hope she is continuing to get counseling for the abuse issue.
 
I'm sorry if I offended you or I wasn't clear. I have no intention to force her into learning ASL, I am just concerned about her. Thank you for your help, and I do think I will try to learn a bit more myself about how to sign.

I do have one other question. Is it normal for people who are deaf or unable to speak to communicate in writing to people who don't know ASL? I know that sometimes people write notes when asking for things in a store, but is it a common thing to carry around a white board or a notebook to write messages to everyone?

Reba said:
Since her loss of voice was the result of trauma, her dependence on her note board is probably more than just a communication issue. Even if ASL would make logical sense, her problem isn't a logical one. Perhaps her note board is a security blanket, or a wall of protection from others hurting her, or a way she can have control over her interactions with people. I don't know but I would guess it goes deeper than just a communication mode.

Perhaps if you invited her to attend an ASL class with you as just an interesting thing to do together she would consider that. Don't suggest ASL as a substitute for her board but as a supplement to it. In other words, don't suggest that she give up her board. If and when she is ready someday, she will do that.

I hope she is continuing to get counseling for the abuse issue.
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It is not ongoing abuse, it was her mother's boyfriend when she was a baby. I don't think she ever really knew him, and he was sent to prison shortly after. I am not sure if she has had any counselling though, I really doubt she could afford it.
 
Quwaz said:
It is not ongoing abuse, it was her mother's boyfriend when she was a baby. I don't think she ever really knew him, and he was sent to prison shortly after. I am not sure if she has had any counselling though, I really doubt she could afford it.
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I didn't mean to imply that the abuse was ongoing. What I meant was, the trauma from the abuse could be ongoing.

She should have had counseling a long time ago. I'm surprised that nothing was set up for her while she was a child. While she was school age that counseling would have been free.

Something doesn't ring true here. How long have you known her?
 
Quwaz said:


I do have one other question. Is it normal for people who are deaf or unable to speak to communicate in writing to people who don't know ASL? I know that sometimes people write notes when asking for things in a store, but is it a common thing to carry around a white board or a notebook to write messages to everyone?
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Yes it is common if the deaf cannot speak well enough to be understood. Sometimes I write it on a pad of paper to communicate with people in the public of businesses where I need to make my needs known. Anyone who doesn't know ASL, it makes sense to write instead to them.
 
Reba said:
I didn't mean to imply that the abuse was ongoing. What I meant was, the trauma from the abuse could be ongoing.

She should have had counseling a long time ago. I'm surprised that nothing was set up for her while she was a child. While she was school age that counseling would have been free.

Something doesn't ring true here. How long have you known her?
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Perhaps the abuse was something that damaged her vocal cords and, since she probably doesn't recall the actual abuse (being a baby), she grew up thinking she just couldn't talk because her vocal cords do not work. :dunno:
 
LoveBlue said:
Perhaps the abuse was something that damaged her vocal cords and, since she probably doesn't recall the actual abuse (being a baby), she grew up thinking she just couldn't talk because her vocal cords do not work. :dunno:
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Maybe that's it. The OP said that "because of abuse as a baby she lost all ability to use her vocal cords" so that could mean her vocal cords were damaged. Good point.

Quwaz, is that the case? Were her vocal cords physically damaged by the abuse?
 
Reba said:
Maybe that's it. The OP said that "because of abuse as a baby she lost all ability to use her vocal cords" so that could mean her vocal cords were damaged. Good point.

Quwaz, is that the case? Were her vocal cords physically damaged by the abuse?
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if that was the case she would got plenty of help before now,something gone wrong with medical care then
 
caz12 said:
if that was the case she would got plenty of help before now,something gone wrong with medical care then
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Now that you mentioned that, I assumed this person is in USA. Is that the case??
 
Secretblend said:
Now that you mentioned that, I assumed this person is in USA. Is that the case??
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I would say it is likely based on a combination of the way the OP phrases things and the reference to ASL rather than BSL or one of the other sign languages.
 
Reba said:
Maybe that's it. The OP said that "because of abuse as a baby she lost all ability to use her vocal cords" so that could mean her vocal cords were damaged. Good point.

Quwaz, is that the case? Were her vocal cords physically damaged by the abuse?
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caz12 said:
if that was the case she would got plenty of help before now,something gone wrong with medical care then
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The abuser in charge of her medical care as an infant and young child and now to late to correct?
 
She can easily get a computer program that will speak out what she types. Since she can hear, the receptive part is no problem.

Many more people will understand her with that type program rather than ASL.
 
Jane B. said:
The abuser in charge of her medical care as an infant and young child and now to late to correct?
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From OP's description (which, of course, he got second-hand from the girl), it seems that the abuser was out of her life while she was still a baby.

"It is not ongoing abuse, it was her mother's boyfriend when she was a baby. I don't think she ever really knew him, and he was sent to prison shortly after. I am not sure if she has had any counselling though, I really doubt she could afford it."

Also, he was a boyfriend, not a parent, so he probably didn't have any legal authority over her.

Still, her mom could have been in denial but if authorities were involved (since he did go to prison) it seems that some kind of child services would have been notified.

There are just too many holes in this situation to get a full understanding in this situation, and without that information it's hard to give any meaningful advice.
 
Bottesini said:
She can easily get a computer program that will speak out what she types. Since she can hear, the receptive part is no problem.

Many more people will understand her with that type program rather than ASL.
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I would think a smartphone or one of the smaller tablets would work better when out and about. Remember the problem does not go away when she walks out the door.
 
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