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- Sep 7, 2006
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Holidays are just around the corner. Unfortunately it is almost always a time that most Deaf dread getting together with a huge group of family members. It is difficult for hearing family members to understand why we miss out or rather get together with other Deaf friends. Making small talk gets old. See people laughing and smiling but not really understanding what is going on. It is almost like waiting at a doctor’s office. Time is ticking; you wish it would just be over already.
The hardest part is family members taking it so personally. They feel it is rejection. Yet they fail to see it isn’t rejection as much as it is painful and hard for us to be subjected to lip reading all day. We truly do not enjoy ourselves. We tolerate it. It is not pleasurable for us as it is for them. Hearing a yell across the room and everyone breaks out laughing; us being the only people in the room that feel foolish for not laughing with the rest of them. You feel the awkwardness. There is tension. It is all just too much to bare at times. You feel overwhelmed. Forced to just work hard at lip-reading and deal with it. Yet at the same time it’s not fair. We should all be enjoying the holidays. It should not feel like such a strain. It should be a happy time. Most Deaf feel isolated, alone and depressed during the holidays. Others just make plans with their Deaf friends.
It is a very difficult dilemma to be put in. Guilty for not going and relief for being able to be who you are. You are in your own environment with other Deaf and most importantly there is no strain with communicating. I understand how this can divide families. At the same time; families have to understand the other side of the coin. Not learning ASL and Deaf Culture has a negative impact. It is uncomfortable, it is tiresome also it takes away our ability to be involved and providing confidence. So with that you say well what if you only visit once a year or twice a year. I say if it is really important to have that conversation to show you care, then you would do it. Doesn’t matter how often Deaf visits the point is the option to communicate is there. Who knows just maybe the door will open to have a much more enriching relationship provided the opportunity to be able to communicate in the same language. For Deaf having to work incredibly hard in the hearing world, every day on top of dealing with having families who do not sign are much more than any one person can handle. These are real issues that we face every single day. There is no rest.
When the holidays comes and plans are made with other Deaf friends; it is not to reject or to ignore. It is simply giving us permission to truly enjoy the entire reason of getting together. Getting together with people is to have fun, to talk, to laugh and to enjoy each other company. Checking the clock every half hour or saying okay we will only stay for an hour or two then we will leave is not a real holiday get together. A true holiday get together is one of laughter, smiling and enjoying each other’s company.
I had a relative who was with us for a party and she was hearing. Most of the people who attended were all Deaf. There was a few hearing who came which I had invited for the sake of my relative so that she would not be completely left out. Well as any Deaf knows, Deaf Culture tends to chat! A lot! Normally chats go on for hours at a time. Just the way it is. It came down to two Deaf couples that were left and we were all signing. My relative was spending the night over and got horrible angry. She said we were all extremely rude because we were signing and she had no clue what we were talking about. Two of the Deaf couples that were last cannot speak. I maybe should have asked if she would like me to interpret (the best I could) but she never asked so I felt maybe she was okay. During our visit it was very obvious that things were not okay. I never heard the end of that day. I was scolded for leaving her out, I was slandered for signing and not speaking. Sadly not seeing how I grew up always being left out. Always missing out on conversations and being a part of meaningful relationships. No my well being was never considered. One day of rejection equals 28 years of isolation. I guess the experience hit my relative to the core. Yet I have had to deal with it all my life and just once she felt what it was like to be me. How sad. Like someone said until you walk a mile in our shoes you will never fully appreciate or understand. You can reason, you can rationalize, you can empathize but you will never fully comprehend what we have to content with every day. Communication is personal to us. We want to be able to speak and hear what you have to say. Not to work so hard to get it. We want to feel confidence, comfortable and at ease. It keeps our dignity and communication clear. No misunderstandings.
Credit: taken from FB on a "Share" from Deaf Memior.
The hardest part is family members taking it so personally. They feel it is rejection. Yet they fail to see it isn’t rejection as much as it is painful and hard for us to be subjected to lip reading all day. We truly do not enjoy ourselves. We tolerate it. It is not pleasurable for us as it is for them. Hearing a yell across the room and everyone breaks out laughing; us being the only people in the room that feel foolish for not laughing with the rest of them. You feel the awkwardness. There is tension. It is all just too much to bare at times. You feel overwhelmed. Forced to just work hard at lip-reading and deal with it. Yet at the same time it’s not fair. We should all be enjoying the holidays. It should not feel like such a strain. It should be a happy time. Most Deaf feel isolated, alone and depressed during the holidays. Others just make plans with their Deaf friends.
It is a very difficult dilemma to be put in. Guilty for not going and relief for being able to be who you are. You are in your own environment with other Deaf and most importantly there is no strain with communicating. I understand how this can divide families. At the same time; families have to understand the other side of the coin. Not learning ASL and Deaf Culture has a negative impact. It is uncomfortable, it is tiresome also it takes away our ability to be involved and providing confidence. So with that you say well what if you only visit once a year or twice a year. I say if it is really important to have that conversation to show you care, then you would do it. Doesn’t matter how often Deaf visits the point is the option to communicate is there. Who knows just maybe the door will open to have a much more enriching relationship provided the opportunity to be able to communicate in the same language. For Deaf having to work incredibly hard in the hearing world, every day on top of dealing with having families who do not sign are much more than any one person can handle. These are real issues that we face every single day. There is no rest.
When the holidays comes and plans are made with other Deaf friends; it is not to reject or to ignore. It is simply giving us permission to truly enjoy the entire reason of getting together. Getting together with people is to have fun, to talk, to laugh and to enjoy each other company. Checking the clock every half hour or saying okay we will only stay for an hour or two then we will leave is not a real holiday get together. A true holiday get together is one of laughter, smiling and enjoying each other’s company.
I had a relative who was with us for a party and she was hearing. Most of the people who attended were all Deaf. There was a few hearing who came which I had invited for the sake of my relative so that she would not be completely left out. Well as any Deaf knows, Deaf Culture tends to chat! A lot! Normally chats go on for hours at a time. Just the way it is. It came down to two Deaf couples that were left and we were all signing. My relative was spending the night over and got horrible angry. She said we were all extremely rude because we were signing and she had no clue what we were talking about. Two of the Deaf couples that were last cannot speak. I maybe should have asked if she would like me to interpret (the best I could) but she never asked so I felt maybe she was okay. During our visit it was very obvious that things were not okay. I never heard the end of that day. I was scolded for leaving her out, I was slandered for signing and not speaking. Sadly not seeing how I grew up always being left out. Always missing out on conversations and being a part of meaningful relationships. No my well being was never considered. One day of rejection equals 28 years of isolation. I guess the experience hit my relative to the core. Yet I have had to deal with it all my life and just once she felt what it was like to be me. How sad. Like someone said until you walk a mile in our shoes you will never fully appreciate or understand. You can reason, you can rationalize, you can empathize but you will never fully comprehend what we have to content with every day. Communication is personal to us. We want to be able to speak and hear what you have to say. Not to work so hard to get it. We want to feel confidence, comfortable and at ease. It keeps our dignity and communication clear. No misunderstandings.
Credit: taken from FB on a "Share" from Deaf Memior.
