Grandparent too involved

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jtajlj

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Hi All,

Not sure where to post this so I opted for parenting MODS can move it if needed.

My fiance has a 20 month old son and is currently living at home with her parents. She is trying to be the best mother she can be and I am trying to be the best father figure I can be however when we make a decision about her son her parents constantly over rule us.

For example this morning I came over and was helping get her out the door to school and him to the baby sitter. Her mother works from home and has to be in her office at 6AM I had to grab him to keep him from going down the stairs which is nothing new. However he procedded to bite me which is a habit we are trying to break him of. I popped the pamper not hard just enough to shock him. Her mother goes off and screams at me and threatens me that I better be glad he had bite me cause if I popped the pamper for no reason she would have killed me.

Jenn and I are both tired of being over ruled when it comes to him but when she says something its well if you don't want my opionon don't ask. Thing is we didn't ask they just constantly decide that they are right on every thing.

Another example he has bad eczema and had an out break on his arm they both wanted us to rush him to the ER however we already called his doctor and was told give him Zertec and bring him in on Monday (this was a Saturday) and if it starts to effect his breathing or gets worse take him to the ER. They started trying to self diagnose and kept saying he needs to go to the ER. We are both EMTs and didn't think it was that bad trust me if we did he would have been at the ER. On Sunday we work the nursery at church he stayed at home with Grandpa and Grandma we get this call that his arm is swollen and he needs to go to the ER now so we get a replacement for work and take off. We get home and its slightly swollen but not bad we called the Dr again and was told thats normal and to come in Monday. We did bring him in on Monday and its nothing to be concerned about.

What can we do to get her parents to let us be the parents. Jenn uses the comment of he came out of my vagina he's my son not theirs.
 
Hmm.. that's a good question.

You know grandparents are there for a good reason. They are there whether we like it or not. I'm expecting twins and I know my parents are going to be my mentors for my children.

Spanking a 20 month old baby is not something I condone. You see, they are learning behaviours that's right or wrong. Biting is one of them.

You need to let him know biting is a no-no by saying "Ouch! That hurts!" or say "No biting!".. children learn what they see.

Spanking a 20 month old for biting is not going to stop him from biting; it's going to encourage him to bite more. The more you spank him for biting; the more you reinforce into his mind that biting equates spanking. Spanking can cause delayed toilet training and you don't want that to happen.

I'm just going to tell you that grandparents are built-in parents whether you like it or not. The first reaction grandparents see when their grandchildren is being harmed, they are going to react out of emotion and want to protect their grandchildren whether you like it or not.

Try to sit down and talk with Grandma and communicate with her. Have Grandma share her perspective about spanking and work it out with her. The last thing you ever want to is to destroy a relationship between a grandchild and grandparent.

Hope this helps.
 
I understand that some don't condone spanking and I respect that fact however My Fiance, her father and I all believe in spanking.

Our issue is reversed Ouch that hurts and biting is a no no doesn't stop him that just makes him do it more. Spanking however stops him. We don't spank hard and we only hit in the butt through the pamper and only 3 times.

We understand he is learning but talking to him about the issue doesn't work.

His grandfather is supportive of how we handle him for the most part as his response is the same as ours.
 
Hmm.. have you had his hearing tested? Sometimes children that do not listen or respond to parents usually indicate a hearing loss or a behavioural symptom of something underlying.

Have you considered a family meeting between parents and grandparents?

Just a suggestion.
 
punishment <spanking> may suppress a behavior but it won't really change anything for the long-term and it will cause other problems that will be bigger when he is older. Just because someone does something or something appears to "work" doesn't make it appropriate-
 
Mrs Bucket said:
Hmm.. have you had his hearing tested? Sometimes children that do not listen or respond to parents usually indicate a hearing loss or a behavioural symptom of something underlying.

Have you considered a family meeting between parents and grandparents?

Just a suggestion.
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Funny you should say that about the hearing.

He is responding much better to sign language then spoken. His baby sitter uses baby signing time and my ex was a Sign Language Interpreter I am a card carrying supporting member of both RID and FRID (Florida Registered Interpreters for the Deaf) and I am HoH myself. When I sign to him his face lights up and he responses much better. He has recently been saying more juice via ASL and loves the fact that someone understands him. However at all most 2 years old his verbal skills are very MLS he might know 12 - 16 spoken words.
 
To start with, roles, with their attendant authority, have to be established. As long as the two of you aren't married, and Jenn lives with her parents, that will be difficult to do.
 
jtajlj said:
Funny you should say that about the hearing.

He is responding much better to sign language then spoken. His baby sitter uses baby signing time and my ex was a Sign Language Interpreter I am a card carrying supporting member of both RID and FRID (Florida Registered Interpreters for the Deaf) and I am HoH myself. When I sign to him his face lights up and he responses much better. He has recently been saying more juice via ASL and loves the fact that someone understands him. However at all most 2 years old his verbal skills are very MLS he might know 12 - 16 spoken words.
Click to expand...

I encourage you to stick with ASL and discipline with ASL rather than with your hands. It is the most loving thing you can ever do for your child as a parent.

:hug:
 
Both Ms Bucket & Reba have given excellent advise, hope you will adhere to it....
Spanking a 20 month old is something I woud not do. Ur child is almost in the "terrible 2's"....There will be other "little habits" that he/she will pick up from other babies the same age (at day care, etc.)....The grandparents may seem to be "overly concerned" over their grandchild, but that is normal.
 
Me and her mother had a chat earlier she was not aware he had bit me until after she had already started to scream at me. She had thought I popped the pamper cause he wouldn't let grandma go to work (she works from home and the office is downstairs in the extra bedroom of a split-level home) he was sitting at the top of the stair case with the door shut and she thought I spanked him over that.
 
New rule: (Dir Sir and Mam) Never scream at me in front of my child, it upsets him- and me- and makes it harder for the lesson to -stick-.

If you have a concern, wait till I have a moment of time and talk to me about it in a separate room.

This way you will not scare (him/her) by yelling and I can get your valuable input so we can discuss our parenting style.

We might have different styles, but as far as discipline we all need to be consistent- it is the best way to show him what the rules are.
 
Biting is a common behavior in toddlerhood. My kids were both the biter and the bitee at different times. Spanking is aggressive behavior that will only escalate the child's frustration. A baby that age has to learn to soothe himself. The baby has to learn how to tolerate frustration and calm down. It's a learned skill. If you are calm and soothing, the baby will model your behavior and learn faster.

Does the child have a special comfy, like a blankey? Have that blanket handy for him when he needs it. Is there something that stressful that triggers the tantrum? Make sure that you don't put the baby in a situation that is too stressful for him. Often a child this age will get frustrated when a parent does not allow independence and autonomy. If the child wants to do something, let him do it himself. Yes, I know that it takes longer and you're in a hurry. Allow extra time for everything.

Most importantly, praise the kid when he does something good. Say things like "I really like how you put your shoes on like a big boy." Stickers work wonders, too. Give him a sticker whenever he cooperates. Put them on his hands, the car seat, where ever he likes them. You can make a chart and he can earn a special treat, like 10 stickers is a trip to the ice cream store for a cone. This positively reinforces good behavior, which is far more effective than punishment.

I would advise you not to correct the child with corporal punishment. Legally, you are not the child's parent. The mother has custody of the child and she is the person who is legally responsible for the care of the child. The grandparents could legally challenge your authority over the child, depending on the law in your particular jurisdiction. Any bruises or injuries could be reported. In fact, the day care has a legal duty to report bruises and injuries. You would be wise to focus building a relationship with the child and the grandparents. Having some fun family time with the child and grandparents would help a lot. A trip to the zoo? A kid party in the back yard? This is the fun part!

Good luck! It takes time to build a relationship with everyone. You'll get there.
 
1.) When I spank him I am acting on the request of the Mother and the Grandfather to correct him and it involved the words of pop the pamper out of their mouths.

2.) If spanking is so wrong explain to me why I have a friend who is the Chief Magistrate for the State and know several State Troopers who have all said as long as you don't make it to where they can't sit down you can spank between the knees and the waist on the backside.

I am only asking cause I am hearing a lot of don't spank your child however I am hearing from people with the knowledge of the law in my state that its perfectly fine as long as you don't cross a certain point.
 
I am sorry to disagree with you there..even there'ss law says spanking is child abuse in other countries.

Why would you, an adult, with the capacity of such brute force want to deliver a spanking that could terrorize a small child under 20 lbs?

I totally disagree with that.
 
first of all- the baby and mother is in WHOSE house?! NOT YOURS!!

I understand what you are saying, but when you are in someone else's home or public place, with all the stupid laws you gotta be on your best behavior, doesn't matter if you like it or not. You do have rights, but it can turn ugly fast in someone else's home.

Do YOU want to be free to do what you want within reason? then get your own place with the mother and baby, then you can complain here all you want. Otherwise, since the mother and baby is under someone else's home(the grandparents and they are there for a reason right? financial reasons I bet) you just don't have any rights to complain- its a privilege to have a safe, secure home for baby since its NOT your place. I am sorry to say, but I'm trying to say this in a nice way- bite your tongue for now.

Remember- you are the father so you are already "borned" into the family and she is your forever mother in law until (god forbid) child passes away.

Do you see what I am saying? what you say and do now will have an impact for rest of your life. Don't do anything you might regret.
 
The only solution I see here is for the mother and her child to move out of her parents' house whether you can afford it or not.
 
Not only is hitting someone teaching that violence is the correct way to solve problems, it isn't effective. I'm trained as a teacher and I know how kids learn. Sometimes people want to spank kids because teaching kids *how to behave* takes a lot of time and effort, as opposed to hitting them.

Consider what it does to your relationship with the child. The parent, on whom the child is totally dependent, becomes the person who assaults him. Would you rather a child see you as a person who teaches or a person who resorts to violence? It may be legal in your jurisdiction but that doesn't make it right. The "it didn't hurt me none" argument is a pathetic excuse.

In this, you're not even the parent of the child. If my kid's boyfriend, who wasn't the father of her child, hit my grandchild, I'd go ballistic. Statistically, the risk of child abuse goes up dramatically when a boyfriend who is not the father cares for a child. You're probably a good person, but would I want to take that chance with a defenseless toddler?

Bajo is right. The solution is to move your girlfriend and her child into your home. If you aren't ready for that responsibility, you're not ready the be a parent.

I hope that you gets all of this sorted out soon. It sounds like the current arrangement is dysfunctional and that's not good for anyone, including you.
 
I have seen several good points raised here. I want to add that if you don't want grandparent's interference, then you need to do what is necessary to move out of their home. As long as you are living with them, you are accepting their help. As long as you are accepting their help on one level, they will feel the right to interfere with child raising. After all, the child is under their roof, and they have to live with the consequences of that, so they feel that their input is justified.

The best solution? Become independent so that you are not putting yourself in the position you are currently in.
 
My son was a horrible biter. He was doing it way into age 3 maybe 4. It might sound strange but the only way I got him to stop was biting him back. Not anything too hard, but enough to make him pause. You could see on his face him thinking "Hey, that hurt! I don't like that!"
 
Juli-terp-to-be said:
My son was a horrible biter. He was doing it way into age 3 maybe 4. It might sound strange but the only way I got him to stop was biting him back. Not anything too hard, but enough to make him pause. You could see on his face him thinking "Hey, that hurt! I don't like that!"
Click to expand...

If we can catch him before he bites down we will flip it and put it hand in his mouth and let him bite but that doesn't seem to be working either
 
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