Double Standards ~ parenting style clashes

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RainGurl

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I have a friend, we are fairly close but there are times I get frustrated.
Her kids are SO tough to handle. The worse part she gives in to EVERYTHING.
They are rude, whiny, i could never deal with it. Ever. When they come over to sleep over, there is not ONE issue. NONE. They are calm, peaceful, relaxed and NO WHINING!

I don't give into it when they are here, I just say go work it out. Or you'll be fine.

I never make a big issue how of everything, I feel she does. I am frustrated when my children are expected to clean at her house but yet she NEVER makes her kids clean at mine. I told her if her daughters want to come over again, they need to learn to pitch in and help clean up the mess. Her daughter whined BUT MOMMY I DIDN'T MAKE A MESS! My children get time-outs for not listening and cleaning up.

More than one ocassion that I have been at her house, and my kids clean everything whlie her 5 year old just stands there. Yet she is quick to tattle when they don't clean.

Help, what do I do. I know our parenting styles are different ..I just get stressed because my kids end up to be the blame. And she makes excuses for her kids behaviour.
 
Send her to supernanny. Sorry to put it off that way. But I never had any experience with it. One thought thou is that if her kids where at your house, tell her kids to help clean up the mess or they will never come over to spend the nite. Explain to them that it is not fair for other kids pinch in to clean up and they dont. Next time when your kids are over their house. Dont let your kids clean up the mess unless your friend ask them to do.
 
RainGurl, I think you are on the right track. Don't give in to them, hold them to the same standards you hold for your children when her's are in your house. It IS your house!

Additionally, your children can also apply peer pressure to get them to help out. I'm sure your kids are already starting feel it isn't fair that they have to do all the clean up while their friends stand around. Let your kids know it's ok for them to ask/tell these other kids for a hand picking up.

If they still don't, both you and your children can let these other kids know that they may not be allowed to play with things that will make a mess since they are unwilling to clean.

If there's still no luck, don't invite them over. My daughter got so tired with one of her friend's not picking up that she no longer gets invited over to play.

We used to have a little ritual when our daughter would go over to other people's homes. Before we left her there we asked her:

Us: "If Mr/Mrs X says jump?"
Daughter: "ASK HOW HIGH!"

That made it clear we expected our daughter to follow our rule AND the rules of the house she was staying at.
 
Thanks for the support. I feel so stressed when they come over. Her daughter whines, and gets involved when I am disciplining my 6 year old. She expects her to say sorry when she hasn't done anything. She threatens her and tells her if you don't play with me I am going home. Her little sister takes everything away from my 4 year old. She is 2, she screams non-stop. Never is disciplined. Her mom doesn't want her to grow up. It drives me crazy. She is making them whiny and so dependent on her. She rearranges everything JUST for them. She says to my daughter that is hers, and yet my daughter has to share EVERYTHING even what she just got for her BIRTHDAY today ~ she wasn't even allowed to even play with it first?????? My friend goes she wasn't even playing with it, I said yea but it's a new toy. Anyone would respect that. She never forces her daughter to play with something else. It's always what the girls are playing with at the moment. So they are forced to give up the toy instead of her forcing her daughter to understand find another toy.
 
If it is such a stressful situation, maybe it would be better to spend less time together at each other's houses. If you really have to get together, maybe you could meet at a neutral place, like a park or playground.
 
We have been. I get the feeling she is very jealous because my hubby and I are VERY family CENTERED.

Her hubby doesn't pay any attention to their girls. He is always gone, and busy when he is home.

She told me she doesn't know what she would do without me. Since I give her the emotional support she needs.

Which is ok to a certain degree..but I do have a family that depends on me and they come first.

She has a hard time understanding why I want to get home at four, so I can have dinner on the table by the time my hubby gets home. We believe in family meals, and family time.

So, we have been kind of keeping a distance this week.
 
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