DIVORCE with Children involved DO's and DON'Ts:

[DGirl101]

At the moment I am going through a divorce and custody situation and my sons are involved. I am trying my hardest to help them by any means necessary to avoid them from being hurt in any way because of my divorce and custody proceeding. Soon-to-be ex-husband is not making it easier on them.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE parents, don't think your kids are fine with what is going on.

DO find them a therapist or a counselor that will allow the kids to talk out their feelings about it all.

DO tell your kids that they are not at fault for mommy and daddy's divorce.

DO tell them you love them and always will love them.

DO try to work it out with your spouse without negative emotion involved.

DO spend time with your children as MUCH as possible.

DO practise disipline and keep it balanced between warmth from you and control from you.

DON'T allow the children to break the rules because you feel sorry for them and want them to see you as the Good Parent. It won't work.

DON'T enforce your rules of 'MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY' on the children because they are acting out their hurt and fustration.

DON'T assume your children are fine and handling the situation well. They aren't.

DON'T speak about the spouse your divorcing to another person while the children are present.

DON'T tell your children bad things about the other parent. You will only succeed in hurting the children, and if they are young, they will not understand.

============

I have so much more I want to impart to other parents in this situation. My goal is to get parents to understand how this affects children and how deeply.

I can give an example:

A while ago a acquaintance of mine was going through a divorce, her children were in their adolescent ages 9 - 13. The divorce and custody was nasty, mom and dad both spoke nastily to each other and about each other while the children were around.

Two of her children now are in high school and are struggling. They are out at all times of the night going to parties and getting into trouble with the law and their parents wonder why. Until recently I was told the oldest was going to therapy and was doing his hardest to change himself, but it was a long hard road for him. The last time I saw him he just received his GED and was working on applying for college to be a therapist for parents who are divorcing and he told me that while his parents were going through their divorce, he and his siblings all felt alone and were the cause of their parents divorce. He also spoke of how both of his parents would tell him bad things about the other and it would leave him heartbroken to hear some of the things said.

While I understand that divorce is a painful process and you are so involved with your feelings about all of this, please understand that you are not alone and your children are suffering worse than you are because they are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If you can try to set aside time for yourself in counseling and your children and make sure it is separate. See If you can use the same counselor your children are seeing OR have your and your children's counselor, work together to help you all as a whole.

I'm not experienced in this field, I am only imparting advice to parents who (GOD forbid) are planning to go through divorce or IS going through a divorce with children.

Jillio if you see this.... if I imparted any information that is not helpful will you please tell me and the readers of this thread, and what we can do differently?

Could you also give some advice, if any?

 

[rockin'robin]

You've made some good points there. Divorce can give families some nasty and lingering effects.....My 3 boys (by adoption)...I enrolled them in Child Guidance, also had their school counselors talk with them 1-2 times a week, and I also attended the sessions. The oldest had to attend a residential treatment center for a few months, but he is fine now, and his "anger" issues are much better.
Whether it's divorce, abandonment, even death, kids do suffer, some of them silently. But kids are very resilient, in given time and with understanding.

 

[DGirl101]

Children's Rights

"I have the right..."

To be told that my mother and father will always love me.

To be told that the family break-up is not my fault.

To be seen as a human being not a piece of property to be foiught for or bargained over.

To have decisions about me based on what is in my best interest and not on my parents' hurt feelings or needs.

To love both my father and mother without being forced to choose or feel guilty.

To know both my mother and father through regular and frequent involvement in my life.

To have the financial support of both my mother and father.

To be spared from hearing hurtful or negative comments about either of my parents.

To be a child and not asked to lie, spy or send messages between my parents.

To be allowed to have affection for new people who come into my life without feeling guilty or being pressured.

 

[DGirl101]

The 20 Divorce Rules for Parents

This is a child's perspective regarding divorce and why parents should not do some of the things that happens when it involves a child or children.


1. Do not talk badly about my other parent. (It makes me feel torn apart! It also makes me feel bad about myself!)

2. Do not talk about my other parents friends or relatives. (Let me care for someone even if you don't)

3. Do not talk about the divorce or other grown-up stuff. (This makes me feel sick. Please leave me out of it.)

4. Do not talk about money or child support. ( This makes me feel guilty or like I'm a possession instead of your kid.)

5. Do not make me feel bad when I enjoy my time with my other parent. (This makes me afraid to tell you things.)

6. Do not block my visits or prevent me from speaking to my other parent on the phone. (This makes me very upset.)

7. Do not interrupt my time with my other parent by calling too much or by planning my activities during our time together.

8. Do not argue in front of me or on the phone when I can hear you! (This turns my stomach inside out.)

9. Do not ask me to keep secrets from my other parent. (Secrets make me feel anxious.)

10. Do not ask me to spy for you when I am at my other parent's home. (This makes me feel disloyal and dishonest)

11. Do not ask me questions about my other parent's life or about our time together. (this makes me uncomfortable, so just let me tell you.)

12. Do not give me verbal messages to deliver to my other parent. (I end up feeling anxious about their reaction. So please just call them, leave a message at work or put a note in the mail.)

13. Do not send written messages with me or place them in my bag. (This also makes me uncomfortable.)

14. Do not blame my other parent for the divorce or for things that go wrong in your life. ( This really feels terrible. I end up wanting to defend them from your attack. Sometimes it makes me feel sorry for you and that makes me want to protect you. I just want to be a kid. So please, please, keep me out of the middle of it!)

15. Do not treat me like an adult. It causes way to much stress on me.

16. Do not ignore my other parent or sit on opposite sides of the room during my school or sports activities. (This makes me sad and very embarrassed. Please act like parents and be friendly, even if it is just for me.)

17. Do let me take items to my other home as long as I can carry them back and forth.

18. Do not use guilt to pressure me to love you more and do not ask me where I want to live.

19. Do realize that I have two homes, not just one. I'd also really appreciate it if you let my other parent come into our house every now and then. Because it is my home too!

20. Do let me love both of you and see each of you as much as possible! Be flexible even when it is not part of our regular schedule.



Keep in mind that not every situation is the same, some are more serious. Such as: Divorcing a spouse because they abused you or there is sexual, physical, emotional, verbal, and/or mental abuse involved by a parent to a child. Then all of the rules above may not apply or some may apply.

 

[aRachel]

I know this is an older thread, but you anyone who click on it needs to see this: originally found Here: An Open Letter to Parents
This is what your children would say if they could articulate it all.


Dear Mom or dad,

You divorced or broke up with my other parent. I still love them. I have a right to love them. I shouldn't have to put up with you criticizing, insulting or otherwise griping about them to me. I don't care how much child support they give or not. I don't care what the gas prices are today, last week, or next week.

I have a right to be with them. I have a right to love them. I have a right to see them. I have a right to feel loved by them and by you. I have a right to love every bit of me -- including the parts they gave me and you gave me. If you hate them, I know it. And that makes me hate myself.

If you try to buy me by promising me toys or games, new clothes, a higher allowance, I am smart. Take me to Chuck E Cheese every week -- be the fun parent -- and I will make sure I use that every week. I will expect fun all the time. More fun, better fun, bigger fun. Buy me. I will become expensive.

But here the is the secret -- you don't have to buy me. You have to love me. All of me. I don't care that you are not with him/her. I don't. Spend the time with me, with me. Even if it is picking me up from his/her house and traveling. I don't care. It is time with you. I love you like I love them.

You gripe because child support is late. You gripe because they want more money. You gripe because they got remarried. You gripe because of a hundred different things. You say you don't do it in front of me, but I am smart. I know that when my parent's name is mentioned, you cringe or you roll your eyes. You grimace. You don't like them. I GET IT. But I am part them. If you hate them that much, how do you love me?

The only thing I know, is if you hate them, you hate a part of me. And that hurts. I get it. I act out. I don't always turn my homework in. I don't eat. I cry. I throw fits. I eat too much. I am too quiet. I act up with them. I act up with you. I don't act up at all. I cut myself. I don't talk. I join every club. I join nothing. I am a child. I hurt. No matter how I show it or don't.

You loved my parent enough to be with them. You loved them enough to somehow have me. So why can't you love ME enough to realize that I am allowed -- no, I am entitled -- to love them for making me, me.

So if you have issues with them, try to remember, that I am also them and I love them. Try to remember that you profess to love me. But when you hate them, I wonder how you can love me when I am part them.

So put aside the stupid arguments. Quit fighting over who picks up and who drops off. Quit fighting over minutes and seconds and clothes and money and food and homework. Quit griping over phone calls and girlfriends and boyfriends. Quit bitching about the new car or the old one or the gas prices.

And look at me, and hug me and kiss me. And do the most important thing in the world -- LOVE ME and let ME love them as I love you.

 

[deafgal001]

I agree with talking bad about the other parent. Even if they are abusive. Some children know they are part of the other parent... sometime they think they will grow up bad just like them.

It's easier to tell them "your father just need very serious professional help" or something like that. Children need to know that people need help to improve their life instead of thinking it is hopeless. I know abuser may never change but still, children need to know it is ok to get help.

I often tell people not to go back to the abuser, he need help and a fresh start, the last thing they need is a reminder of his old self.

 

[Steinhauer]

I know this is an older thread, but you anyone who click on it needs to see this: originally found Here: An Open Letter to Parents
This is what your children would say if they could articulate it all.


Dear Mom or dad,

You divorced or broke up with my other parent. I still love them. I have a right to love them. I shouldn't have to put up with you criticizing, insulting or otherwise griping about them to me. I don't care how much child support they give or not. I don't care what the gas prices are today, last week, or next week.

I have a right to be with them. I have a right to love them. I have a right to see them. I have a right to feel loved by them and by you. I have a right to love every bit of me -- including the parts they gave me and you gave me. If you hate them, I know it. And that makes me hate myself.

If you try to buy me by promising me toys or games, new clothes, a higher allowance, I am smart. Take me to Chuck E Cheese every week -- be the fun parent -- and I will make sure I use that every week. I will expect fun all the time. More fun, better fun, bigger fun. Buy me. I will become expensive.

But here the is the secret -- you don't have to buy me. You have to love me. All of me. I don't care that you are not with him/her. I don't. Spend the time with me, with me. Even if it is picking me up from his/her house and traveling. I don't care. It is time with you. I love you like I love them.

You gripe because child support is late. You gripe because they want more money. You gripe because they got remarried. You gripe because of a hundred different things. You say you don't do it in front of me, but I am smart. I know that when my parent's name is mentioned, you cringe or you roll your eyes. You grimace. You don't like them. I GET IT. But I am part them. If you hate them that much, how do you love me?

The only thing I know, is if you hate them, you hate a part of me. And that hurts. I get it. I act out. I don't always turn my homework in. I don't eat. I cry. I throw fits. I eat too much. I am too quiet. I act up with them. I act up with you. I don't act up at all. I cut myself. I don't talk. I join every club. I join nothing. I am a child. I hurt. No matter how I show it or don't.

You loved my parent enough to be with them. You loved them enough to somehow have me. So why can't you love ME enough to realize that I am allowed -- no, I am entitled -- to love them for making me, me.

So if you have issues with them, try to remember, that I am also them and I love them. Try to remember that you profess to love me. But when you hate them, I wonder how you can love me when I am part them.

So put aside the stupid arguments. Quit fighting over who picks up and who drops off. Quit fighting over minutes and seconds and clothes and money and food and homework. Quit griping over phone calls and girlfriends and boyfriends. Quit bitching about the new car or the old one or the gas prices.

And look at me, and hug me and kiss me. And do the most important thing in the world -- LOVE ME and let ME love them as I love you.

excellent letter.

 

[netrox]

i am sorry but that's full of baloney regarding rights. if your dad is a deadbeat then you have no right to love him. you should never love anyone who does nothing to support you. don't be stupid to think that he loves you, he doesn't. he's hurting you and you think you have the right to love him? nope. you just devalue yourself.

To devalue yourself is not a right and to love a person who does NOTHING to help you is NOT a right - it only reinforces that you're not valued. You must stand up and speak up and demand their accountability.

 

[Steinhauer]

Parental alienation syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Parental alienation syndrome (abbreviated as PAS) is term coined by Richard A. Gardner in the early 1980s to refer to what he describes as a disorder in which a child, on an ongoing basis, belittles and insults one parent without justification, due to a combination of factors, including indoctrination by the other parent (almost exclusively as part of a child custody dispute) and the child's own attempts to denigrate the target parent.

 

[somedeafdudefromPNW]

Wirelessly posted

i am sorry but that's full of baloney regarding rights. if your dad is a deadbeat then you have no right to love him. you should never love anyone who does nothing to support you. don't be stupid to think that he loves you, he doesn't. he's hurting you and you think you have the right to love him? nope. you just devalue yourself.

To devalue yourself is not a right and to love a person who does NOTHING to help you is NOT a right - it only reinforces that you're not valued. You must stand up and speak up and demand their accountability.

Did your dad run out on you?

Obviously the letter was addressed for joint custody, not deadbeats.

And so you know, I had a cousin who commited suicide because his ex-wife harassed him for child support (which he always paid ontime) to the point where he was forced to live on the streets to pay the said support.

It was later discovered during an investigation his wife was commiting a fraud, and she was forced to pay back the misallotted fund and compensation for emotional damage back to his family; she had her kids removed as well.

Just because someone is speaking ill of the person paying child support doesn't means the said person is a deadbeat.

 

[aRachel]

i am sorry but that's full of baloney regarding rights. if your dad is a deadbeat then you have no right to love him. you should never love anyone who does nothing to support you. don't be stupid to think that he loves you, he doesn't. he's hurting you and you think you have the right to love him? nope. you just devalue yourself.

To devalue yourself is not a right and to love a person who does NOTHING to help you is NOT a right - it only reinforces that you're not valued. You must stand up and speak up and demand their accountability.

I have to disagree with you. You always have the right to love your parent. Just because one of your parents is a deadbeat does not mean that you lose the right to love him. Loving a person who does nothing for you only devalues you if you take your worth from what other people give you (ie. your parent) or think of you. Your self worth should come from inside of yourself, not as an extension of your parents.

As a mother who went through a very bad break up with her daughter's father, I know that he is a deadbeat, as***le, and not worthy of the love my daughter bestows on him. But it is her right as his child to love him, and to learn what he is. She know that he is someone who doesn't care about her, but she still loves him because he is her father.

I have never said anything bad about my daughter's father in front of her, even though I think it very often. Children are much smarter than we give them credit for. They all eventually figure out what we know about deadbeat parents. That doesn't mean that their need to be loved by that parent goes away. They are just able to see the reality that their other parent may not be able to love them very much.

Parental alienation syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Please look further into this "Syndrome" before you start to quote it to everyone. It was a theory put out by a man to justify pedophiles being able to be in contact with their children whom they had molested. It is completely unfounded in science and reality. The "scientist" who "discovered" it eventually committed suicide.

Alienation of parents happens with divorces and break up in many ways and way too often. Using your children as pawns to get back at someone who hurt you is wrong, not only because it is useless, but because it causes lasting affects on your children for their entire lives.