Difficulties Dating Deaf...tips needed!

n.bex

n.bex

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Hey All,
So I have recently started dating again....and have found that dating deaf has been interesting to say the least. I I will say my lip reading skills are very good, as I was partially deaf for almost a decade before going permanently deaf this year due to injury. So my years of learning to lip read came in really handy when I had total loss. With that being said....trying to figure out lip reading fast enough to converse normally, I find I get really mentally tired. Most people I know are hearing and I am dating a gent that is hearing as well.

I take voice therapy and I have learned sign language enough to carry on conversations and continue to take ASL classes to learn more, and I love signing, it gives my brain a break from trying to feel the right vibration for speaking as I am suppppppppppppper self-conscious of what I may sound like. My own insecurity for sure. But in terms of moving forward with dating, it is too much to ask someone if they are willing to learn sign? I always feel like people talk to me when I am not looking at them, or OVERLY mouth words which in my opinion is harder to understand. I almost feel like a burden sometimes for not being able to hear. I went to a Haunted house recently on a date and I kind of just walked through...not much got me, because well....I couldn't hear any of the things those places use to scare you hahaha. When the part of the date for talking came, they talked so much that I was completely exhausted mentally after the date. I didn't get much conversation on my side, mostly just deciphering all their stories.

Has anyone recently deaf or even born deaf experienced anything like this, or have any tips for navigating dating hearing people?

Thank you so much in advance :)

~Bex
 
This is kind of funny on my end. I started taking ASL because of a deaf girl. I wanted to start dating again but didn't know where or how to go about it. I am pretty shy :/ Then one day I was at lunch in the cafeteria and a deaf girl was tutoring a few students I am sure were in ASL 1. I saw her there most of the semester heling people learning out. I had the biggest crush on this girl! I fell in love with her laugh and smile. I remember thinking what if my "soulmate" is deaf? How would I know if I never learn to talk to her? (Corny I know). I took ASL the next semester. Then the next few semesters as well. I got pretty good, but I never saw her again... Maybe she graduated, maybe she just went at different times I dont know. Sad story, but I fell in love with ASL because of it.
Someone who wants to get to know you, like really get to know you, will learn ASL. Obviously maybe not the first date or two, but at some point. I wouldnt be to hard on the hearing people and their awkwardness lol. We don't how to respond. People like being good at things, and not knowing how to even communicate with someone kind of throws most people into a sort of panic. Language is a pretty big barrier unfortunately. Especially when theres cultural things and stigmas we don't know about each other to overcome. Hearing people who have never dealt with the deaf community don't understand the pride in being deaf and what comes with it, that they aren't broken, don't need ot be fixed, usually don't even want to be.
The best thing I could tell you to talk to myself would be to just tell me to act normal. If you read lips tell them to look at you and talk normal. I have plenty when I was learning just traded a phone back and forth for easy conversing. I feel like that might ease the mental drain since you arent deciphering everything maybe? Maybe you could ask them to put in earplugs so they cant hear anything for a day also! That could be totally fun, or a disaster though lol.
I dont know exactly what you were looking for, I am just trying to throw in some stuff from my own experiences with the deaf community. Saldy I learned so much, and had no one to practice with because unlike almost everyone who takes up ASL I didnt do it because of a loved one or a friend, I didn't keep up with it and have not probably lost about 80% of it :( This is the first time in years Ive come back to this page and saw your post :) I am going to pick ASL back up, hopefully it come back easier since I already learned it once.

Good luck Bex! I hope anything I said was helpful :P My fav cute hearing deaf meeting is til this day though in this video:
 
@Catastrophic I love your feedback! thank you so much for responding :). I do not think it is corny at all! My first bout with ASL when I was hearing was because I wanted to talk to a boy that had these super cool drawings. I remember the first thing I said to him was " I like your library" he just looked at me and bust out laughing. Lord clearly my ASL resources were flawed back then. I was so excited to sign too, which made it even more awkward! haha. Of course back in grade school, I never ever thought I would be deaf in my life. It has made me gain a whole new perspective for the challenges of the Deaf. It surely is humbling to say the least.

I agree in not being hard on the hearing, as I feel like there is some underlying animosity of hearing vs deaf ...or so that is what I kind of have felt from people with not so happy experiences. I want to be a good date, but I also want to be present and actually know what you are saying! I lip read well, but the turning of the face or walking away, you are right, I should be a little more patient with the hearing as they are not used to having to be so direct communication face on. @EllietheEncourager made a great suggestion to me a moment ago about maybe making "shorter dates" and I love that IDEA. My dates have been hours long and I was so exhausted mentally / sensory that I think establishing shorter dates would not be a bad idea at all!

I love this " what if my soulmate is deaf"! This is also a great perspective, because we never know!! Sometimes we close ourselves to our little comfort bubble and could be missing out on someone great! When I became deaf, someone told me, you should just date " your people" meaning deaf people. I was like......why do we tend to limit ourselves...because it is easier? I am open to more than just people with my hearing challenges.

Thanks again for the perspective ; I will take this in account on my future dates :)

and I love the video!
`Bex
 
I don't think it's too much to ask your partner to learn asl. As someone who can hear and recently met a girl who is deaf, I started looking into learning it on my own. I think she's a little shy about bringing it up, but I'm looking forward to being able to communicate more easily with her outside of texts and stuff.
 
n.bex said:
Hey All,
So I have recently started dating again....and have found that dating deaf has been interesting to say the least. I I will say my lip reading skills are very good, as I was partially deaf for almost a decade before going permanently deaf this year due to injury. So my years of learning to lip read came in really handy when I had total loss. With that being said....trying to figure out lip reading fast enough to converse normally, I find I get really mentally tired. Most people I know are hearing and I am dating a gent that is hearing as well.

I take voice therapy and I have learned sign language enough to carry on conversations and continue to take ASL classes to learn more, and I love signing, it gives my brain a break from trying to feel the right vibration for speaking as I am suppppppppppppper self-conscious of what I may sound like. My own insecurity for sure. But in terms of moving forward with dating, it is too much to ask someone if they are willing to learn sign? I always feel like people talk to me when I am not looking at them, or OVERLY mouth words which in my opinion is harder to understand. I almost feel like a burden sometimes for not being able to hear. I went to a Haunted house recently on a date and I kind of just walked through...not much got me, because well....I couldn't hear any of the things those places use to scare you hahaha. When the part of the date for talking came, they talked so much that I was completely exhausted mentally after the date. I didn't get much conversation on my side, mostly just deciphering all their stories.

Has anyone recently deaf or even born deaf experienced anything like this, or have any tips for navigating dating hearing people?

Thank you so much in advance :)

~Bex
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That's why you better date deaf guy to understand what you're going through. I am 6th gen deaf and I dated hearing girl once - it went downhill really fast by teaching sign language, not understanding my deaf culture, taking over my orders or communicate with hearing people by interpreting and many hearing people (waitress, bartenders, flight attendants, tour guide, etc) depend on her to communicate with me. It sucks!
 
n.bex said:
Hey All,
So I have recently started dating again....and have found that dating deaf has been interesting to say the least. I I will say my lip reading skills are very good, as I was partially deaf for almost a decade before going permanently deaf this year due to injury. So my years of learning to lip read came in really handy when I had total loss. With that being said....trying to figure out lip reading fast enough to converse normally, I find I get really mentally tired. Most people I know are hearing and I am dating a gent that is hearing as well.

I take voice therapy and I have learned sign language enough to carry on conversations and continue to take ASL classes to learn more, and I love signing, it gives my brain a break from trying to feel the right vibration for speaking as I am suppppppppppppper self-conscious of what I may sound like. My own insecurity for sure. But in terms of moving forward with dating, it is too much to ask someone if they are willing to learn sign? I always feel like people talk to me when I am not looking at them, or OVERLY mouth words which in my opinion is harder to understand. I almost feel like a burden sometimes for not being able to hear. I went to a Haunted house recently on a date and I kind of just walked through...not much got me, because well....I couldn't hear any of the things those places use to scare you hahaha. When the part of the date for talking came, they talked so much that I was completely exhausted mentally after the date. I didn't get much conversation on my side, mostly just deciphering all their stories.

Has anyone recently deaf or even born deaf experienced anything like this, or have any tips for navigating dating hearing people?

Thank you so much in advance :)

~Be
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All of your posts are asking the same questions I am at this point. You’re like my spokesperson rn
 
I got with my partner almost 11 years ago. I started learning sign myself 14 years ago. When I was 15. It was amazing having another world open for me. I had mod hearing loss back them. I had a few partners in high school but all hated signing all the time. But when I meet my now partner they had hearing loss from the military. (Severe) so they were excited to learn and was even enrolled at the local college to learn.
So if you find someone willing to learn and is excited about learning. (Maybe even needs the language in their day to day life). Don't get hung up in Deaf or not Deaf too much.
 
n.bex said:
I HAVE and honestly I tell everyone that piece of advice so thank you!!! It makes things sooooooo much smoother!
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I'm soooo glad it helped you and hope it helps others. How's it all going? Same Fella? How are things going with your daughter?
 
EllietheEncourager said:
I'm soooo glad it helped you and hope it helps others. How's it all going? Same Fella? How are things going with your daughter?
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Unfortunately I got ghosted on a date planned, so yea, not same fella, but I press on hahaha. Daughter is great, I think I tricked her into liking ASL just a bit, but sorry not sorry! How else do we trick children? WITH TECHNOLOGY! So she we have this app together that she enjoys typing things into to learn sign and now I am cool bahaha. Who knew!
 
n.bex said:
Hey All,
So I have recently started dating again....and have found that dating deaf has been interesting to say the least. I I will say my lip reading skills are very good, as I was partially deaf for almost a decade before going permanently deaf this year due to injury. So my years of learning to lip read came in really handy when I had total loss. With that being said....trying to figure out lip reading fast enough to converse normally, I find I get really mentally tired. Most people I know are hearing and I am dating a gent that is hearing as well.

I take voice therapy and I have learned sign language enough to carry on conversations and continue to take ASL classes to learn more, and I love signing, it gives my brain a break from trying to feel the right vibration for speaking as I am suppppppppppppper self-conscious of what I may sound like. My own insecurity for sure. But in terms of moving forward with dating, it is too much to ask someone if they are willing to learn sign? I always feel like people talk to me when I am not looking at them, or OVERLY mouth words which in my opinion is harder to understand. I almost feel like a burden sometimes for not being able to hear. I went to a Haunted house recently on a date and I kind of just walked through...not much got me, because well....I couldn't hear any of the things those places use to scare you hahaha. When the part of the date for talking came, they talked so much that I was completely exhausted mentally after the date. I didn't get much conversation on my side, mostly just deciphering all their stories.

Has anyone recently deaf or even born deaf experienced anything like this, or have any tips for navigating dating hearing people?

Thank you so much in advance :)

~Bex
Click to expand...

The most important thing to do is be yourself. You have to be brutally honest with hearing guys to see if they can handle your hearing loss. You must let them know that you tend to be tired of lipreading and prefer to sign. Also, you must ask a date if one is willing to learn ASL or not. I used to date hearing guys so many times before I got married. They thought I was too picky and I have high standards. I had to tell them why my standards are high and they tend to shut up.

You can use Otter app or Live Transcribe app to follow the conversations. To be honest, it is okay to use them, but it is up to him to decide to continue dating you or not. Why keep dating him when one doesn't want to learn? There are plenty of fish in the sea.
 
Barbaro said:
The most important thing to do is be yourself. You have to be brutally honest with hearing guys to see if they can handle your hearing loss. You must let them know that you tend to be tired of lipreading and prefer to sign. Also, you must ask a date if one is willing to learn ASL or not. I used to date hearing guys so many times before I got married. They thought I was too picky and I have high standards. I had to tell them why my standards are high and they tend to shut up.

You can use Otter app or Live Transcribe app to follow the conversations. To be honest, it is okay to use them, but it is up to him to decide to continue dating you or not. Why keep dating him when one doesn't want to learn? There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Click to expand...
@Barbaro Thank you for your feedback! :) I am a pretty direct lady but have run across people that are not willing to even want to learn, so I have to call it quits, as I see no long term in that. Otter App, I will have to look at that one. Currently I am trying out all the different apps people have suggested to see what works and what doesn't so I will add this app to my list to try! Thank you so much!
 
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