Been feeling the "Between worlds" blues lately

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RonJaxon

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I hope this is the right section to post about this. I'm really not even sure what I hope to accomplish on this matter for I'm not looking for any kind of pity here. I just feel the need to vent about it to those who might understand.

I've read the term "between worlds" to describe those in my situation. I've been HOH my entire life but when I was growing up it was mild hearing loss then it gradually decreased to deafness. It decreased to deafness between 15 and 20 years ago (I'm now 37 years old). I can't tell you exactly when it decreased to the point of deafness because it was a gradual process. I just know that about 20 years ago it started to effect my ability to communicate and when I was in my lower 20's I was obviously deaf for I haven't heard a voice since then.

So I didn't grow up in any kind of deaf culture. I know a little ASL but no where near fluent. The deaf friends I do have in my area are good people but I really only see them when I bump into them when out and about. Most of my friends and family can finger spell and know a few words but that's as far as it goes for me using ASL to really communicate. It's just a fall back to use when I can't lip read a word or phrase.

Lately I've been feeling more cut off from the world because of this. I'm in a sort of transition phase in my life on matters of career, health, loss of recent loved ones, new house and so forth. In order for me to succeed in some of these things means I'll have to talk to many new people and do new things. For example I'll have to take come courses, lectures and so forth to do my best in my new career. An interpreter won't help because I'm not fluent in ASL. Doctor visits are always a pain because I can't really have the discussion and get the answers I need.

I'm just feeling too dependent on the people around me. I've gotten on my girlfriends case a few times lately and I know she doesn't deserve it. For example: I'm pretty known in my area because I'm a professional magician. So I'll run into people when out and about that I suppose you can call fans who will ask for autographs or just make comments about when they saw me do a show somewhere. It still strange to me when that happens. But anyway I got mad at my girlfriend who walked away and didn't stick around to sort of interpret for me (I can obviously read her lips better then a strangers). I know it's not her fault but at the moment I got frustrated and embarrassed.

So things like that are happening lately. I know the people in my life are good people and are there for me when I need them. So this is making me feel even more "between worlds".

On the surface everyone thinks I'm fine. I even do shows in schools and give inspirational speeches. Basically I go there and do a little magic show. Then let the kids ask questions regarding my deafness (Mainly for middle school or elementary classes that are learning some ASL). For the most part I am doing ok. But lately I've been feeling this "Between worlds" depression. In a way I feel like I never really learned how to live as a deaf person. I mainly cover it by acting like I'm okay with it. I'm not ashamed to be deaf or anything. I'm just struggling with it from time to time and it seems to be more of a struggle lately. I feel like it's standing in my way more lately.

Thanks for listening.

Ron Jaxon
 
Deafness is a magic. It gives you insights that others don't. It's not standing in your way. You're standing in it. Perhaps you should step out and think more of what you can do for them.

Remember, using magic requires distractions. You know the rest.
 
Hey Ron I hear ye..lol...i ws hearing until 7 yrs ago ..woke up stone deaf..so i speak perfectly and lip read pretty well..like you said those closest to us seem easier to read..but man the frustration on everyones part is taking a toll onme as well...i can not for the life of me learn ASL..I got a PhD still can't learn ASL amd sometimes just don't want to ..to be honest...yeah I piss offf allthe people closest tome ..becasue of the feelings you desvribed.."trapped " is so appropriate ...can't even hear my own voice but becasue i speak perfectly..MMM lotta grief from the deaf..they want me to stop talking..not gonnna happen..lol..and the hearing..no patience lost so many friends who said man it is just to frustrating and takes to long to talk with you...yeah thanks ass...
so here i am ...stuck in the middle....trapped..can't find my way out and not even sure which way to step....like i step in the wrong direction and bam I fall thru the floor..lol...
man i get ya.....I was called an oralist..like i killed someone..really..the face this person waas making when they said it wow...they did not like me cause i could speak...ok well enough complaining..not solving anything....i'm a writer so i'm not recognized on the street and to be honest some people think i am faking being deaf...yeah ight i would do that....geez...becasue i can walk upi to a group of hearing people having a conversation and thru lip reading..pick up on what they are talking about and say something about the subject and they don't know i'm deaf unless i tell them..but it like being a magician..laughing.....sometimes i oull it off without a hitch and then sometimes...well lets just say alot of words look the same when people are speaking fast..laugh and instead of a rabbit..i pull my ass out of the hat...laughing..good luck..minx
 
Thank you for the reply. I agree with you and I know I am standing in the way. But you know. Sometimes the pressure builds up.

It's to the point right now that I have plans to accomplish something. As I review what I need to do in order to accomplish these things I run into mental blocks as we all do. It just seems lately that those blocks seem more connected to my deafness. I'm level headed enough to know that it's mostly me and there are always ways around any given hurtles. But at the moment I can't see them. So thank you for the encouragement.

In way way though my magic is my way of hiding the real issues. When I'm performing I'm in control. If ever seen me perform you'll see someone that is displaying lots of self confidence and very energetic. But when I'm not performing I'm completely opposite. Not quite shy but a a pretty quiet kind of guy. Those who know me describe it as a light being turned on. There's the real me then the performer me. So although it's been helpful in gaining some confidence. It's also been somewhat of a cushion to hide the real issues. I'm taking conscious steps to try to deal with them now and that might be another reason I'm feeling a little more of this between world feeling lately because I'm addressing it.

For the fun of it if you want to see a little clip of me performing here's a short video taken at a magic convention competition that took place in a bar in Colon Michigan.
YouTube - Ron Jaxon in the 2007 Curly's Close up contest.

Captions to the video
By the way. The only thing I say in this video is at the very beginning. I do a lot of deaf humor in my act. What I say at the beginning of this video is, "Hey, do you want to hear a deaf joke?..... So do I".

At the end after I eat the balloon I go to the microphone to talk but instead of my voice they hear a squeaking sound coming from me (The sound of a balloon squeaking). Then when I squat down at the end they hear a long SQUEEEEEEEEEAK sound as if the balloon is loosing air.

Thanks again.

Ron Jaxon
 
You may have seen some of my threads around AD lately that could perhaps remind you of your situation since yours reminds me a lot of mine. I'd like to share with you how I'm coping with my situation. I think my methods seem to be working very well for me since I've reached the point where I don't see deafness as a problem, but rather as reality. Hearing seems more to me like a science fictional sense than a memory. If I were offered my hearing back, I would never in a million years accept it.

The biggest factor in my ability to tolerate it turned out to be my ability to talk, and I don't mean speak, or even communicate with others, though it always feels good to communicate. I can't tolerate very much speech and lipreading myself. I'm very good at it, but I just can't keep it up for very long. It drives me nuts, gives me a headache, and makes me want to go to bed after only a few minutes. Finally, my family decided to learn SEE. They directly refused ASL. So, in an effort to put my family first and communicate with them, I ordered a very good SEE dictionary and downloaded some sensus data on the order of vocabulary acquisition of children learning English as their first language, then proceeded to memorise vocabulary lists in that order. I very rapidly became fluent in signing exact English. This had the benefit of being my native language since I spent 20+ hearing years unaware that I would one day lose that hearing.

Once I reached the point where I could sign comfortably (a couple of months at most), even if I was only signing to myself, this gave me a huge boost of confidence. Granted SEE was so super easy because it's a copy of my native language, I now feel that I can take my time to learn ASL, which has always been my ultimate goal ever since learning that I would eventually lose all of my hearing, which by now I have. I'm profoundly deaf, and have no residual hearing.

Even though my family never did learn much SEE in the time it took me to become as fluent as I was in English, they've suddenly changed their minds when they saw the advantages of ASL. So now they're learning ASL. That's cool, so am I. Too bad they're practically having to start over because they've changed their language. Oh well, I think ASL should come fast once they discover classifiers, my favourite features of ASL =D

But my point is, learn to sign. Study really hard and become fluent. If you have to take SEE in order to learn fast, it's worth it. You're gonna end up needing it anyway, and I still recommend becoming fluent in ASL, but without your sanity, that will never happen. English is your native language, am I right? When you abandon your native language before you're fluent in another language to replace it will never allow you to feel sane or have any sense of control for any length of time. In my experience, when you become confident in your signing, you'll get a huge boost of confidence in life in general, and this is exactly what I needed. Perhaps it's what you need as well.
 
Hey Ron...as a profoundly deaf person since birth, I went through that in my 20s and then I learned ASL 11 years ago. Now, I am fluent in it and actively involved in the Deaf community. I didnt reject the hearing community either ..just have a nice healthy balance between both instead of being the the hearing world 24/7 and feeling the way you are all the time. I had that depression starting with high school up to my late 20s. It was a very tough period of my time because I didnt know why I was feeling that way and didnt know how to fix it.

Hope u will feel better soon and everyone else here has great advice! Good luck! :wave:
 
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