Advice: Come out as gay or bi?

Berry, that was beautiful:)
 
posts from hell said:
What is the worst that will happen?
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Family disowns me.

Doubt that would happen though. :)

In reality, this is not a big deal (coming out is, but not bi vs gay thing), but I'd just like to know if someone regretted coming out as bi and wished they said gay.

Plus, I like to pretend to have drama in my life. ;)
 
Daredevel7 said:
Well, I liked your idea. "I have a girlfriend". No labels.

Unfortunately, the next logical question out of their mouths will be "So that means you're gay, then?"

Back to square one.... :)

I can always act like a politician.

Them: "So that means you're gay, then?"
Me: "It means I'm in a gay relationship."
Them: "How long have you known that you're gay?"
Me: "I've always been attracted to girls since middle/high school."


Something like that? Still honest but not quite labeling myself?
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If they say, "So that means your gay?" Say, "If that makes it easier for you, you are free to think that." Doesn't confirm or deny. Just accepting of the fact that they are going to believe whatever they want to believe based on their limited understanding anyway.
 
Or just say "It means, this is the person I love." Smile, end of discussion.

The label part is pointless, IMHO.

A male friend of mine from high school was married for many, many years, had a couple children (who are now adults and have children of their own). His wife died of cancer about 10 years ago, and he was heart-broken at the time. (This is what I heard from a mutual friend; I wasn't directly in touch with him for most of that time.)

We recently got back in touch via Facebook (doesn't everyone?), and to my great surprise, he is now happily partnered with a man. They have been together for several years now.

I don't know if he now identifies himself as "gay" or "bi" or what. We first met in junior high, when we were 12 years old. In high school, he dated girls and never had a problem getting dates; his girlfriends were all gorgeous. He was by all accounts happily married to his wife.

I don't know if something changed for him, if he had always had attractions to men but never acted on them previously, or what. Doesn't matter, it's not my business. He is happy now and I'm glad for him (and for his partner, for that matter). I wouldn't feel any differently about him if he had one label or another.
 
What if things changed down the road? Or if your gf died in an accident or from a serious illness. How would you explain to your family your dating with men again?

I would have to disagree with dating men is "easier and less dangerous". I am thinking of date rapes, abuses, or even VD if the man is a high risk.

I always think that honesty is the best policy so 'bisexual' gets my vote. Of course, I leave things up to you.
 
Just throwing my cents in there as a fellow bisexual woman...

Basically, I agree with what a few people have already said. Just tell your family that you've fallen in love with a woman. I wouldn't condone lying, necessarily, and saying you're simply gay. A), I just think its always a dangerous thing to lie to family and B), as much as you love this woman, and want to be with her forever, you never do know what'll happen. What if you now say that you're gay, then sometime down the road you and she split up and you end up with a guy? ...But then, I'm pretty cynical when it comes to relationships.

It's definitely true that bisexuality has some unpleasant stereotypes, though. We're allegedly more promiscuous, kidding ourselves, just experimenting, whatever.

I recommend just saying that this is the person you love. If they ask questions, be honest, but stay firm in the fact that it's not a phase, you're not confused, and you love her. It's great that you've already come out to so many important people in your life, and if you do hit any snags in coming out to the rest, I hope they'll stand beside you.

However you decide to do it, I wish you the best of luck. And congratulations on finding someone who makes you so happy :)
 
Ildri said:
B), as much as you love this woman, and want to be with her forever, you never do know what'll happen. What if you now say that you're gay, then sometime down the road you and she split up and you end up with a guy? ...But then, I'm pretty cynical when it comes to relationships.
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true, I've already thought about this. Definitely awkward if we broke up or she passed away and I dated a guy afterwards.....

Although, I probably would lean towards women anyway. Oh well, you never know!

Thanks for your advice! :)
 
Buffalo said:
What if things changed down the road? Or if your gf died in an accident or from a serious illness. How would you explain to your family your dating with men again?

I would have to disagree with dating men is "easier and less dangerous". I am thinking of date rapes, abuses, or even VD if the man is a high risk.

I always think that honesty is the best policy so 'bisexual' gets my vote. Of course, I leave things up to you.
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I don't think they meant "easier and less dangerous" in THAT way (sexual way). They meant while BEING with that person (not dating around), it's easier and less dangerous.

In their minds: If I'm with a woman, I am more likely to get insults, people not wanting to be friends with me or work with me, or even get harrassed/killed by the extreme gay-haters.
 
You shouldn't have to choose a label and explain your choices. Family members need to learn healthy boundaries. It sounds like your family cares about you. Could you politely say, "I'd rather not discuss this." No explanation necessary. Telling your family that you're looking forward to seeing them and introducing them to you SO will make them happy.
 
You should come out as whatever you identify as! So, I would say come out as bisexual. It doesn't really matter if your family ~gets~ it, you know? You're being honest, and that's what counts the most. I suppose you could also come out as Queer, since it's more of an umbrella term for non heteronormative people. Sometimes I prefer to say I'm Queer (if I'm in a space were people understand what that means), but since I have a boyfriend most people side eye me haha. Unfortunately, self-identifying bisexual people tend to get a lot of heat from both sides of the binary (straight/gay) so identifying as "bisexual" almost carries a negative weight; but whatever, own your identity! :cool2:
 
Who cares what other people think... it's who YOU are.

If you like BOTH men and women, then you're bi-sexual.
 
Do what you feel is right for you and you, only. Listen to and follow your heart.
 
I think you are worrying too much about what they will think. You are who you are and your sexuality should not change that. The only thing you might get is what I've always gotten. "Oh, your bi? That just means you are curious or undecided about what you are." The best thing you can do, is just be who you are and stop worrying about what others will think. If your family loves you, they will accept you no matter who or what you are.
 
Bear said:
I think you are worrying too much about what they will think. You are who you are and your sexuality should not change that. The only thing you might get is what I've always gotten. "Oh, your bi? That just means you are curious or undecided about what you are." The best thing you can do, is just be who you are and stop worrying about what others will think. If your family loves you, they will accept you no matter who or what you are.
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Just to clarify It's not so much about worrying what they think of me, but more like one way probably would be a lot easier to deal with than another way.

I don't want to deal with 5 years of "You can still fall in love with a man. Why don't you meet Bob? Just try dating him for a couple of weeks!" where I could EASILY have them just sigh and accept it (if I said I was gay). My family is incredibly STUBBORN.

So that's why.
 
Eh. It's not worth tying yourself in knots to explain yourself to your family, beyond a certain point. What matters is that you love the woman you are with now. If you love her, and see this as a lasting relationship, that's all your family has to know.
 
Daredevel7 said:
Just to clarify It's not so much about worrying what they think of me, but more like one way probably would be a lot easier to deal with than another way.

I don't want to deal with 5 years of "You can still fall in love with a man. Why don't you meet Bob? Just try dating him for a couple of weeks!" where I could EASILY have them just sigh and accept it (if I said I was gay). My family is incredibly STUBBORN.

So that's why.
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Isn't it odd that heterosexuals never even think about how to disclose their sexual orientation, or the impact it might have in various circumstances. That whole "dominant culture" thing.:cool2:
 
jillio said:
Isn't it odd that heterosexuals never even think about how to disclose their sexual orientation, or the impact it might have in various circumstances. That whole "dominant culture" thing.:cool2:
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True, but we heterosexuals also face similar family pressure when it comes to making or not making a commitment to someone.

"Why don't you marry H? He's a wonderful person. You don't want to wait too long..."

"Why do you break up with every nice guy you've been seeing? What is stopping you from getting married and starting a family?"

"Finally, I thought it would never happen!"

Just a few voices from my past...
 
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