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I need clarify from you, Eve what´s this book? Have you any link to add this or any example to explain what you think different than my link?
Is spanking on the kids belong kind of abuse?
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diehardbiker
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Thats what I have been doing. I haven't spanked my son for pretty long time. I use various discipline methods. But in the begining I spanked because my son was doing something dangerous like climbing, etc Of course my son hates my belt and my hand.
I am not encourage spanking BUT, I am encourage parents to find different avenues of disciplines and use what seems fit them.
I use mental strategry which seems to work well. Since I used spanking in my son's early age, then when I asked him to clean up or something. When he comes back and said "I am done" I said alright, I can check out, do you think I'd use my belt after seeing that room? He said "Oh NO NO NO, I am going back and finish it!". It worked! This works better than going down and find out and spank him. This also teachs him the consequences if he did not obey.
Bottom line, NOTHING is 100% fool-proof! Kids always bound to find ways to play games with their parents. grin
I am not encourage spanking BUT, I am encourage parents to find different avenues of disciplines and use what seems fit them.
I use mental strategry which seems to work well. Since I used spanking in my son's early age, then when I asked him to clean up or something. When he comes back and said "I am done" I said alright, I can check out, do you think I'd use my belt after seeing that room? He said "Oh NO NO NO, I am going back and finish it!". It worked! This works better than going down and find out and spank him. This also teachs him the consequences if he did not obey.
Bottom line, NOTHING is 100% fool-proof! Kids always bound to find ways to play games with their parents. grin
Reba said:
Eve
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These are some notes I have written in the past after reading and implementing James Dobson's "Dare to Discipline" http://www.family.org/resources/itempg.cfm?itemid=132 :
My husband and I follow a loving discipline program designed by Dr. James Dobson, as outlined in his book “The New Dare to Discipline”. Dr. Dobson states that, “love and control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children,” and recommends that children should be treated with “respect and dignity”. His philosophy includes consistent defined limits, boundaries and structure rather than permissiveness, and positive reinforcement through the use of rewards, praise, hugs, and attentiveness for appropriate behavior. Dr. Dobson suggests that spankings should be a rather infrequent occurrence, administered according to very carefully thought-out guidelines and “reserved for a child’s moments of greatest antagonism” p. 66 (mostly acts of defiance) and should be followed by a “loving conclusion to the disciplinary encounter.” (discussion)p. 35 Dr. Dobson also suggests that, “Corporal punishment should stop when the child is between the ages of ten and twelve.” P. 65
I believe that Dr. Dobson’s statement, “Discipline will be effective over time if consistently applied,” P. 72 has been proven through the remarkable improvement in my children’s lives in the past years since implementing this program.
Dr. Dobson also suggests that, “The best way to get children to do what you want is to spend time with them before disciplinary problems occur – having fun together and enjoying mutual laughter and joy.” I have taken this advice to heart and have spent as much time in the company of my children as possible, taking them to the park, out camping, to the movies, family fun night, etc.
I would prefer that my children be raised with a decisive discipline plan than no plan (permissiveness) at all.
“He [the father] must have proper authority in his own household, and be able to control and command the respect of his children.” 1 Timothy 3:4-5
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:9
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child’ but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15
“Withhold not correction from the child; for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.” Proverbs 23:13-14
“He that spareth his rod hateth his son; but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” Proverbs 13:24
“The rod and reproof give wisdom; but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” Proverbs 29:15
“Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” Proverbs 29:17
p. 35 “However, the spanking should be of sufficient magnitude to cause genuine tears.
p. 36 “loving conclusion to the disciplinary encounter.”
William Glasser, “’Discipline’ is directed at the objectional behavior, and the child will accept its consequence without resentment. He defined ‘punishment’ as a response that is directed at the individual. It represents a desire of one person to hurt another; and it is expression of hostility rather than corrective love. As such, it is often deeply resented by the child.”
1. Developing respect for parents is the critical factor in child management.
2. The best opportunity to communicate often occurs after a disciplinary event.
3. Control without nagging (it is possible).
4. Don’t saturate the child with materialism.
5. Establish a balance between love and discipline.
Leonardo da Vinci, “He who does not punish evil commands it to be done.”
p. 42 “Yakkity-yak discussions and empty threats carry little or no motivational power for the child…On and on go the barrage of words.”
Competent parenting: Extremes of either oppression or unstructured permissiveness are neither good for a child. The “middle ground” of love and control must be sought if we are to produce healthy, responsible children. P. 51
When you are defiantly challenged, win decisively…Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same from him.
Eph 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
The child’s expression of strong feeling, even resentment and anger, should be encouraged if it exists But the parent should prohibit the child from resorting to name-calling and open rebellion…It is possible to communicate without sacrificing parental respect, and the child should be taught how to express his discontent properly. P. 56
One of the surest ways to make a child feel insecure is to treat him as though he is different, unusual, or brittle.
The need to be led and governed is almost universal in childhood. This need is not eliminated by other problems and difficulties in life. In some cases, the desire for boundaries is maximized by other troubles, for it is through loving control that parents express personal worth to a child. P.57
The principles of good discipline remain the same, regardless of the family setting…You must earn their respect, or you will not receive it. P. 58
They derive security from knowing where the boundaries are and who’s available to enforce them. P. 59
There is security in defined limits. When the home atmosphere is as it should be, children live in utter safety. They never get in trouble unless they deliberately ask for it, and as long as they stay within the limits, there is happiness and freedom and acceptance. P. 59
permissiveness=the absence of effective parental authority, resulting in the lack of boundaries for the child. This word represents tolerance of childish disrespect, defiance, and the general confusion that occurs in the absence of adult leadership. P.60
Corporal punishment that is not administered according to very carefully thought-out guidelines is a dangerous thing…It is this kind of unjust discipline that causes some well-meaning authorities to reject corporal punishment altogether.
Just because a technique is used wrongly, however, is no reason to reject it altogether. Many children desperately need this resolution to their disobedience. In those situations when a child fully understands what he is being asked to do or not to do but refuses to yield to adult leadership, an appropriate spanking is the shortest and most effective route to an attitude adjustment. When he lowers his head, clenches his fists, and makes it clear he is going for broke, justice must speak swiftly and eloquently. Not only does this response not create aggression in a boy or girl, it helps them control their impulses and live in harmony with various forms of benevolent authority throughout life. Why? Because it is in harmony with nature, itself. Pp60-61
Now, when a parent administers a reasonable spanking in response to willful disobedience, a similar nonverbal message is being given to the child. He must understand that there are not only dangers in the physical world to be avoided. He should also be wary of dangers in his social world, such as defiance, sassiness, selfishness, temper tantrums, behavior that puts his laife in danger, etc. The minor pain that is associated with this deliberate misbehavior tends to inhibit it, just as discomfort works to shape behavior in the physical world. Neither conveys hatred. Neither results in rejection. Neither makes the child more violent.
In fact, children who have experienced corporal punishment from loving parents do not have trouble understanding its meaning.
Corporal punishment should be a rather infrequent occurrence. There is an appropriate time for a child to sit on a chair to “think” about his misbehavior, or he might be deprived of a privilege, or sent to his room for a “time out,” or made to work when he had planned to play. In other words, you should vary your response to misbehavior, always hoping to stay one step ahead of the child. Your goal is to react continually in the way that benefits the child, and in accordance with his “crime”. In this regard, there is no substitute for wisdom and tact in the parenting role.
The tragedy of child abuse has made it difficult for people to understand the difference between viciousness to kids and constructive, positive forms of physical punishment. ..Child abuse will increase, not decrease, as frustrated parents explode after having no appropriate response to defiant behavior.
Corporal punishment should stop when the child is between the ages of ten and twelve (depending on the emotional and developmental maturity of the child)p 65
When, then, should a toddler be subjected to mild discipline? When he openly defies his parent’s spoken commands. If he runs the other way when called, purposedlyu slams his milk glass on the floor, dashes in the street when being told to stop, screas and threows a tantrum at bedtime, hits his friends – these are the forms of unacceptable behavior which should be discouraged.
Spankings should be reserved for a child’s moments of greatest antagonism… p. 66
Eve
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Continued
Lack of success of spankings, due to:
1. The most recurring problem results from infrequent, whimsical discipline. (BE CONSISTENT)
2. The child may be more strong-willed that then parent, and they both know it.
3. The parent suddenly employs a form of discipline after doing nothing for a year or two prior to that time.
4. The spanking may be too gentle. If it doesn’t hurt it isn’t worth avoiding next time. A slap with the hand on the bottom of a multi-diapered thirty-month old is not a deterrent to anything. While being careful not to go too far, you should ensure he feels the message.
5. For a few children, this tecnique is simply not appropriate.
Discipline will be effective over time if consistently applied. P. 72
Discipline for adolescents and teens should involve lost privileges, financial deprivations, and related forms of non-physical retribution. Be creative!
The best way to get children to do what you want is to spend time with them before disciplinary problems occur – having fun together and enjoying mutual laughter and joy. When those moments of love and closeness happen, kids are not as tempted to challenge and test the limits. Many confrontations can be avoided by building friendships with kids and thereby making them want to cooperate at home. It sure beats anger as a motivator of little ones! P 75
Verbal praise
Thorndike’s Law of Reinforcement “Behavior which achieves desirable consequences will recur.”
Rewards should not be used as a substitute for authority.
1. Rewards must be granted quickly.
2. Rewards need not be material in nature. (ie praise, hugs, attentiveness)
3. Almost any behavior that is learned through reinforcement can be eliminated if the reward is withheld long enough.
4. Parents and teachers are also vulnerable to reinforcement.
5. Parents often reinforce undesirable behavior and weaken behavior they value.
Teen Reinforcement
1. Decide what is important to the youngster for use as an incentive.
2. Formalize the agreement.
3. Establish a method to provide immediate rewards
Many parents allow arguing, sulking, pouting, door-slamming, and bargaining to succeed. Parent s should not take a definitive position on an issue until they have thought it over thoroughly and listened to the child’s argument. Then they should stick tenaciously to their decision. If the teenager learns that “no” means “absolutely not,” she is less likely to wast her effort appealing her case.
One of the most serious casualties in a permissive society is the failure to connect behaviour and consequences. P. 116 This overprotection produces emotional cripples who often develop lasting characteristics of dependency and a kind of ………….perpetual adolescence.
The New Strong-Willed Child
1. Begin teaching respect for authority while children are very young
2. Define the boundaries before they are enforced
3. Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility
Lack of success of spankings, due to:
1. The most recurring problem results from infrequent, whimsical discipline. (BE CONSISTENT)
2. The child may be more strong-willed that then parent, and they both know it.
3. The parent suddenly employs a form of discipline after doing nothing for a year or two prior to that time.
4. The spanking may be too gentle. If it doesn’t hurt it isn’t worth avoiding next time. A slap with the hand on the bottom of a multi-diapered thirty-month old is not a deterrent to anything. While being careful not to go too far, you should ensure he feels the message.
5. For a few children, this tecnique is simply not appropriate.
Discipline will be effective over time if consistently applied. P. 72
Discipline for adolescents and teens should involve lost privileges, financial deprivations, and related forms of non-physical retribution. Be creative!
The best way to get children to do what you want is to spend time with them before disciplinary problems occur – having fun together and enjoying mutual laughter and joy. When those moments of love and closeness happen, kids are not as tempted to challenge and test the limits. Many confrontations can be avoided by building friendships with kids and thereby making them want to cooperate at home. It sure beats anger as a motivator of little ones! P 75
Verbal praise
Thorndike’s Law of Reinforcement “Behavior which achieves desirable consequences will recur.”
Rewards should not be used as a substitute for authority.
1. Rewards must be granted quickly.
2. Rewards need not be material in nature. (ie praise, hugs, attentiveness)
3. Almost any behavior that is learned through reinforcement can be eliminated if the reward is withheld long enough.
4. Parents and teachers are also vulnerable to reinforcement.
5. Parents often reinforce undesirable behavior and weaken behavior they value.
Teen Reinforcement
1. Decide what is important to the youngster for use as an incentive.
2. Formalize the agreement.
3. Establish a method to provide immediate rewards
Many parents allow arguing, sulking, pouting, door-slamming, and bargaining to succeed. Parent s should not take a definitive position on an issue until they have thought it over thoroughly and listened to the child’s argument. Then they should stick tenaciously to their decision. If the teenager learns that “no” means “absolutely not,” she is less likely to wast her effort appealing her case.
One of the most serious casualties in a permissive society is the failure to connect behaviour and consequences. P. 116 This overprotection produces emotional cripples who often develop lasting characteristics of dependency and a kind of ………….perpetual adolescence.
The New Strong-Willed Child
1. Begin teaching respect for authority while children are very young
2. Define the boundaries before they are enforced
3. Distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility
GalaxyAngel
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I born raised by Adopt parents. My A-Dad really totally abused me for many many years, put me hell rot slave and do all the dirt work chores everyday. I had been hell my life patience. I took my life changed and decide get my own living by 16 yrs old.
I'm happier and not seeing my A-Dad ever since pretty awful long!
I'm happy w/my children. I do not want any strike my own children and did once strike once when they are tiny youngs.. Whoa wait minutes I don't want remind what my A-Dad did to me. That hurts me.. I made decision and stop strike to my children. Change my own methods displince... following lose their favorite privallage(sp) PS2 , gamecube, tv, phone friends, computer and outgoing their friends. I did successful and happy right thing displince simple thing follow up the house rules peroid. I'm happy w/my children looked us up and relationship become stronger stronger... by now, My older son really fragile boy but invovled wrong ways.. I did keep patience displince him.. no matter what.. Goal will success displince teenager!
**That how, I felt so angry what I've gotten hit my own child coming from my A-Dad influding(sp) me.. Really Totally wrong.. I just got new experience and seeing my 1st child who has A.D.H.D. and gave me hard time.. I had few times spank my son's bum pretty long time around I would say about 4 yrs old. I decide to stop strike my own bare hands w/my children. Which the best for me.. Not worth to have influding (sp) my children' future and can be lead into Adult rooting turn out uglier spank or abuse to their child as condiser my future grand-children. Really, I doesn't want to.... ***
Oh of course, Some of states which allowed spanking and also other state not allowed spank. Espically in Ontario,Canada really totally NOT ALLOWED SPANKING.. Rest of other provinces, I have no idea what their policy of law.
I'm happier and not seeing my A-Dad ever since pretty awful long!
I'm happy w/my children. I do not want any strike my own children and did once strike once when they are tiny youngs.. Whoa wait minutes I don't want remind what my A-Dad did to me. That hurts me.. I made decision and stop strike to my children. Change my own methods displince... following lose their favorite privallage(sp) PS2 , gamecube, tv, phone friends, computer and outgoing their friends. I did successful and happy right thing displince simple thing follow up the house rules peroid. I'm happy w/my children looked us up and relationship become stronger stronger... by now, My older son really fragile boy but invovled wrong ways.. I did keep patience displince him.. no matter what.. Goal will success displince teenager!
**That how, I felt so angry what I've gotten hit my own child coming from my A-Dad influding(sp) me.. Really Totally wrong.. I just got new experience and seeing my 1st child who has A.D.H.D. and gave me hard time.. I had few times spank my son's bum pretty long time around I would say about 4 yrs old. I decide to stop strike my own bare hands w/my children. Which the best for me.. Not worth to have influding (sp) my children' future and can be lead into Adult rooting turn out uglier spank or abuse to their child as condiser my future grand-children. Really, I doesn't want to.... ***
Oh of course, Some of states which allowed spanking and also other state not allowed spank. Espically in Ontario,Canada really totally NOT ALLOWED SPANKING.. Rest of other provinces, I have no idea what their policy of law.
Cutebihivguy
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my parents never had to spank me. 
http://www.alldeaf.com/showthread.php?t=6672&highlight=smack
I already said my piece over there.
Last week at swimming pool, I saw a little boy about 3 years old tried to jump into the pool, his mother grab and give him a smack on his bum and explain afterward to say not to jump into the pool. I don't have problem with that, but I dislike seeing another cute little girl crying for being lost in the shopping mall, she looks real scared for being on her own, out of blue, her mother found her and gave her a big smack to teach her lesson, to me I think it is very CRUEL because she was frightened, it break my heart to watch it but I stay neutral witness it. (I was thinking myself why can't this mother be grateful she found her ALIVE and safe not kidnapped by someone else????)!!!!
I already said my piece over there.
Last week at swimming pool, I saw a little boy about 3 years old tried to jump into the pool, his mother grab and give him a smack on his bum and explain afterward to say not to jump into the pool. I don't have problem with that, but I dislike seeing another cute little girl crying for being lost in the shopping mall, she looks real scared for being on her own, out of blue, her mother found her and gave her a big smack to teach her lesson, to me I think it is very CRUEL because she was frightened, it break my heart to watch it but I stay neutral witness it. (I was thinking myself why can't this mother be grateful she found her ALIVE and safe not kidnapped by someone else????)!!!!
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I agree. I would be very, very thankful to find my child safe. That was not appropriate, IMO. The child will associate being found by mom as a negative event because she was punished for it. If a child that young was lost in the mall, I think the mom is more responsible for that then the child. A child so young doesn't understand the dangers of a mall. Mom does. Mom should hang on to the child better, and not blame the child for being lost. Again, that is just my opinion.Tamara said:
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Reba said:
Show my children the example and let them experiement with their curiously to their new world.
The parents spanked toddlers because the toddlers did wrong. I´m disagree to this (see the example of Tamara´s post).
Smack? Wrong because 3 years old didn´t know how dangerous pool is. It´s parents who watch toddlers and teach them to not do that....
I´m agree with Tamara to this.
It´s exactly same with 3 years old and pool, why smack his bottom? The parents should be glad to have them alive instead of smack them over jump on the pool.
Why should we spanked our toddlers to give them lesson which they have no idea how risk and dangerous things are? It´s PARENTS who teach/show them to not do that etc, not blame the children.
How I did with my children without ground them before they goes to kindergarten?
First of all, I care of my children´s safety is:
It´s parents´s responsible to make the sure the children safety in the house/garden.
Something like that:
Put glasses, plates, cups, etc., household items away where the children can´t reach. Put tupperwares, plastic, etc. in where the children can reach and play with in the kitchen. Let them enjoy while I´m busy in the kitchen to watch them. Let them curious everything what they like. Of course it´s choas. Let them than forbdidden them.
Risk to be safety is "fire" - "hot" because I´m candle lover.
Of course I let them touch it than keep on tell them NO, it´s dangerous... No, No,.... It makes them aggressive more and more because they want curious. No way.
All what I do is I lit the candle and told them: "Occcchhh, it´s too hotttt" Logically the toddler doesn´t listen me. I watch his finger go to candle... I can tell his face when his finger go near candle. I can tell that he notice it´s hot. His finger carried on too close the "fire". He said "Ouuuccchhhhh hurt". After that he doesnt touch anymore. Of course we have fireplace. They knows it´s hot since they learned from the candle lit, I show them. It´s less stress than say No No No No, don´t do that.... then smack their bottom....
We went to swimming pool. I told my children to not go deep pool but children pool. Of course, they won´t listen me. So my hubby and I show them how difference between children and adult pool. They knows children pool and play but they want to see "deep" pool. They were excited when we said yes, we go to deep pool with them. We carried them into deep pool but they want get out of us. We let them (of course we are very close to them) and they realized that deep pool is not the same as children pool because they CAN stand and touch the floor, not deep pool. All what they said to us: "Get out" and went back children pool and stick there all the day - no even go nearest adult pool until they went their first school. They taught them how to swim, etc... They love deep pool now. The school gave student liescne that they pass their swimming exams. They trust us more and more and believe us when we tell that it´s dangerous.
This is an example of many things what we show them what good or bad... than spanked them because they won´t listen us. It´s us (parents) who are the responsible to teach the children... show them... Why smack them? Remember that smack to give them lesson is not solve anything because they have no idea how risk and dangerous etc. etc. It´s parents, not the children.
Of course toddlers don´t understand why I said NO when I brought them to stores. I told them No. Of course they scream and cried and stamp on the floor. Do I smack them? No! Let them until they wore out themselves. The people laughed when they saw my children temper... All what they show me *friendly nodding remark* Of course it remind them of their children, too. I stayed for 5 to 10 minutes until they wore out then go with me. It belongs PATIENCE. Why should I smack them and pulled them ??? Stress...
I realized it´s less stress what I did with my children than no no no no no and smack them....
Other thing:
I would like to remind you the example about 3 years old James killed in Rocker Tommy Lee´s pool during birthday party few years ago? Remember this? The parents sued Tommy Lee for his neglection but Tommy Lee won at court - I am disagree to this because it´s adult´s responsible to watch the children, not the children. What do you think of this situation?
I will be back for answer some of your posts this evening.. (I must go now to fix the breakfast for the children.
Awauphi
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reply to Spanking..
i know what spanking can do to a child.. after all i have seen what my sister did to her son Dylan (my nephew) i can tell you he is emotional and is rebellious to everyone .. doesnt mind anyone and all that.. he need lot of love and help.. right now he is living at his father's house.. my sis is trying to get him and jace back.. i disagreed cuz she is an unfit mother after all she abused dylan and jace? no..they dont need to be back with her after what she did to them? ugh..
i kept telling her dont spank TJ.. he have SID (Sensory Intregation disorder) she said but if he did something wrong I WILL.. i said if you do, i will call cops on you.. i dont care.. i dont want her to hurt my child .. i dont spank tj at all.. what i do with tj is if he doesnt listen to me or doesnt do what i say like pick up toys and walking outside no shoes on, so on..timeouts for him or punishment like for example- i will punish him no tv for two days.. no treats for 3 days.. i can tell you he behaved well.. and look at him.. he is a good boy!!! mind me and his father.. thank god his father agree with me on how to ground and punish TJ.. we did right thing as we research alot on the subject SID and know he is sensitve to touching.. and i didnt realize spanking can do alot harm to a child? thank god i didnt do that.. no offense to others.. I still think its wrong to spank a child..
i remmy being spanked by my mom and my dad many times.. i didnt like it.. i was so rebellious against them and still was a wild girl when i was young.. didnt listen to them and all that. i remmy my mom spanked me when i was 11 when i asked her if i could go to skating.. she told me no.. i said why not? u promised me.. now u lied to me.. i was so upset about it and started pushing her and hit her then slammed the door on her.. (we were in the bathroom) when i walked out - she got to me and spanked me for slamming the door.. i was so mad at her that night.. i refused to talk to her for few days.. she still havent apologized to me for that? no wonder i didnt want to spank my kid.. i learned alots by going to the parents meeting at therapy center where TJ attended.. they gave me alots of tips on how to discipline kids and all that.. i asked them about spanking due to my bad experience when i was young and TJ have sid.. they said they dont believe in spanking? i told them i dont either.. i asked them to help me with this and i got tips and brochures on how to punish a kid.. TJ does well as he does listened to me .. I think its important for all parents to take parent class on how to take care of babies, kids and disciplines.. cuz alot of them dont know how to as i have seen them asking questions? they could learn alot by going to the class? its never too late ..
my ex bf spanked his daughter many times.. look at her.. shes depressed.. she doesnt undy why her daddy spank her but doesnt spank his son? i kept telling him its wrong to spank your kid as it wont do any good ? its better to punish them by no tv, no activity or going out to skating or something like that.. he said I AM WRONG.. said it wont work!! i told him .. well ua re wrong.. look at TJ? he is well behaved.. how do you explain that? its cuz i punished him the right way and not spanking him? he said whatever.. i still think he did wrong thing.. i felt sorry for his daugther and his son.. many peopel told me i should report him to cops cuz of the way he abused his daughter .. pulling her hairs, spanked her so hard with belt, paddle board, even branches, and vice versa.. i had to stop him many times.. MEN!!! grrrr.. no one are perfect.. only god knows what to do with those who kept spanking kids.. eventually they will learn one day that its wrong to do that..
ohhhh i almost forgot.. He told me that he did talk to dhs about spanking kids.. ( i didnt believe him) he said that they told him its ok to spank a kid .. only as long as it is not above the neck.. i disagreed with him..
what about corporal punishment in public school? i never got spanked at ASD.. all they do is punished me no tv.. sit alone eat.. no activity, no going out to events depend on how serious trouble i am in.. lol..
i still think they ought to ban corporal punishment in public school as it wont do any good for kids.. sigh..
few schools in USA still have that in place especially here in Arkansas. jeez. but nbr one is Mississippi. Anyway i read the papers i got from tj's school last year that they still do it? i told teacher i dont believe in that.. she said well its their rules.. if someone get in trouble they will.. maybe if we protested against that it will be removed? i dunno.. one day it will be..
it is always good to go to class to learn about tips and how on to raise your kid the right way.. many things lik ethat.. i like to know what is best way that way i wont be labeled as bad parent.. you know? i always strive to do my best .. someitmes i made mistakes like yelling.. i dont do that always.. but when he is outside i do yell.. to get his attention..
is yelling same as abuse? they said it is verbal abuse.. but i do just get his attention? my mom think i am verbal abusing TJ? i disagreed with her.. yes im hoh.. sometimes i dont wear my hearing aid.. i cant hear my voice.. cant tell if im talking in loud voice or not? i dont know? this is difficult? i wonder if anyone else hoh have plms like me? im curious.. hmm..
i know what spanking can do to a child.. after all i have seen what my sister did to her son Dylan (my nephew) i can tell you he is emotional and is rebellious to everyone .. doesnt mind anyone and all that.. he need lot of love and help.. right now he is living at his father's house.. my sis is trying to get him and jace back.. i disagreed cuz she is an unfit mother after all she abused dylan and jace? no..they dont need to be back with her after what she did to them? ugh..
i kept telling her dont spank TJ.. he have SID (Sensory Intregation disorder) she said but if he did something wrong I WILL.. i said if you do, i will call cops on you.. i dont care.. i dont want her to hurt my child .. i dont spank tj at all.. what i do with tj is if he doesnt listen to me or doesnt do what i say like pick up toys and walking outside no shoes on, so on..timeouts for him or punishment like for example- i will punish him no tv for two days.. no treats for 3 days.. i can tell you he behaved well.. and look at him.. he is a good boy!!! mind me and his father.. thank god his father agree with me on how to ground and punish TJ.. we did right thing as we research alot on the subject SID and know he is sensitve to touching.. and i didnt realize spanking can do alot harm to a child? thank god i didnt do that.. no offense to others.. I still think its wrong to spank a child..
i remmy being spanked by my mom and my dad many times.. i didnt like it.. i was so rebellious against them and still was a wild girl when i was young.. didnt listen to them and all that. i remmy my mom spanked me when i was 11 when i asked her if i could go to skating.. she told me no.. i said why not? u promised me.. now u lied to me.. i was so upset about it and started pushing her and hit her then slammed the door on her.. (we were in the bathroom) when i walked out - she got to me and spanked me for slamming the door.. i was so mad at her that night.. i refused to talk to her for few days.. she still havent apologized to me for that? no wonder i didnt want to spank my kid.. i learned alots by going to the parents meeting at therapy center where TJ attended.. they gave me alots of tips on how to discipline kids and all that.. i asked them about spanking due to my bad experience when i was young and TJ have sid.. they said they dont believe in spanking? i told them i dont either.. i asked them to help me with this and i got tips and brochures on how to punish a kid.. TJ does well as he does listened to me .. I think its important for all parents to take parent class on how to take care of babies, kids and disciplines.. cuz alot of them dont know how to as i have seen them asking questions? they could learn alot by going to the class? its never too late ..
my ex bf spanked his daughter many times.. look at her.. shes depressed.. she doesnt undy why her daddy spank her but doesnt spank his son? i kept telling him its wrong to spank your kid as it wont do any good ? its better to punish them by no tv, no activity or going out to skating or something like that.. he said I AM WRONG.. said it wont work!! i told him .. well ua re wrong.. look at TJ? he is well behaved.. how do you explain that? its cuz i punished him the right way and not spanking him? he said whatever.. i still think he did wrong thing.. i felt sorry for his daugther and his son.. many peopel told me i should report him to cops cuz of the way he abused his daughter .. pulling her hairs, spanked her so hard with belt, paddle board, even branches, and vice versa.. i had to stop him many times.. MEN!!! grrrr.. no one are perfect.. only god knows what to do with those who kept spanking kids.. eventually they will learn one day that its wrong to do that..
ohhhh i almost forgot.. He told me that he did talk to dhs about spanking kids.. ( i didnt believe him) he said that they told him its ok to spank a kid .. only as long as it is not above the neck.. i disagreed with him..
what about corporal punishment in public school? i never got spanked at ASD.. all they do is punished me no tv.. sit alone eat.. no activity, no going out to events depend on how serious trouble i am in.. lol..
i still think they ought to ban corporal punishment in public school as it wont do any good for kids.. sigh..
few schools in USA still have that in place especially here in Arkansas. jeez. but nbr one is Mississippi. Anyway i read the papers i got from tj's school last year that they still do it? i told teacher i dont believe in that.. she said well its their rules.. if someone get in trouble they will.. maybe if we protested against that it will be removed? i dunno.. one day it will be..
it is always good to go to class to learn about tips and how on to raise your kid the right way.. many things lik ethat.. i like to know what is best way that way i wont be labeled as bad parent.. you know? i always strive to do my best .. someitmes i made mistakes like yelling.. i dont do that always.. but when he is outside i do yell.. to get his attention..
is yelling same as abuse? they said it is verbal abuse.. but i do just get his attention? my mom think i am verbal abusing TJ? i disagreed with her.. yes im hoh.. sometimes i dont wear my hearing aid.. i cant hear my voice.. cant tell if im talking in loud voice or not? i dont know? this is difficult? i wonder if anyone else hoh have plms like me? im curious.. hmm..
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wow, good posting,
I see that you brought the subject over child corporal punishment... where Eve´s earlier post mentioned...
Check this link:
CHILD CORPORAL PUNISHMENT is legal or illegal in different states in America.
http://www.stophitting.com/disatschool/facts.php
*Occchhh, I have to go now to fix the breakfast... I will be back to answer more posts here this evening*
I see that you brought the subject over child corporal punishment... where Eve´s earlier post mentioned...
Check this link:
CHILD CORPORAL PUNISHMENT is legal or illegal in different states in America.
http://www.stophitting.com/disatschool/facts.php
*Occchhh, I have to go now to fix the breakfast... I will be back to answer more posts here this evening*
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How to Teach Your Children Discipline
By Marilyn E. Gootman, Ed.D.
Children have to be taught discipline. They are not born with it. Little by little parents have to teach it to them. While teaching discipline does take time and practice, it gets easier as children learn to control their own behavior. And best of all, teaching discipline does not have to hurt either the parents or the kids.
Parents ask.. What is discipline?
Discipline is helping children develop self-control. Discipline is setting limits and correcting misbehavior. Discipline also is encouraging children, guiding them, helping them feel good about themselves, and teaching them how to think for themselves.
Is spanking a useful approach to discipline?
No. Discipline should help children learn how to control their own behavior. Spanking is used to directly control children's behavior. Spanking does not teach children how to change what they do, as good discipline should.
Isn't is easier to just spank my children?
It may seem easy at the time. But babies who are hit often cry louder. Older children who are hit often are learning to solve problems by hitting others. Many parents notice that after a spanking children may settle down for a while, but pretty soon they start misbehaving again.
Won't spanking teach children whom boss?
Kids do need to know that the adult is in charge. Spanking can teach children to be afraid of the adult in charge. Good discipline teaches children to respect the adult in charge. Respect goes both ways- treat children with respect and let them have some control, and they will respect you and listen to you.
Won't spanking make my children afraid to misbehave?
It can. Spanking can make children afraid to misbehave, but probably only when you are watching. Children need to learn to control their own behavior even when you are not around to watch them.
Don't children need a good spanking sometimes?
No child needs a spanking. Spanking can be dangerous. You can never tell when children will be hurt badly by a spanking if you lose control. Children do not need to be hit in order to learn how to behave.
If I do not spank, then what can I do?
You can do lots of things that will help your children learn self-control - you can help them feel good about themselves, you can show them how a person with self-control acts, you can guide them, you can set limits, you can correct misbehavior by talking to them, and you can teach them how to think for themselves.
What can I do to help my children feel good about themselves?
Let them know what they are doing right, as well as about the mistakes they make. Hearing good things makes us feel good and makes us want to do more good things. Say two nice but true things to children for every time you correct them. Remember, when they are changing their behavior, tell them how well they are doing, even if they only improve just a little. "Great, you played in the playground all morning without fighting."
What do I need to do to guide them?
One thing is to set routines for bedtime, meals and chores. Routines help children feel safe, because they know what parents expect.
Young children have a hard time going from one activity to another. Warning them a few minutes ahead helps them get ready. You can say, "You have five more minutes before bedtime." Be clear about their choices. "You can have milk or juice, but you can't have soda."
Remind them of your rules. Just saying no is not enough. Children often need reminders.
Cont....
By Marilyn E. Gootman, Ed.D.
Children have to be taught discipline. They are not born with it. Little by little parents have to teach it to them. While teaching discipline does take time and practice, it gets easier as children learn to control their own behavior. And best of all, teaching discipline does not have to hurt either the parents or the kids.
Parents ask.. What is discipline?
Discipline is helping children develop self-control. Discipline is setting limits and correcting misbehavior. Discipline also is encouraging children, guiding them, helping them feel good about themselves, and teaching them how to think for themselves.
Is spanking a useful approach to discipline?
No. Discipline should help children learn how to control their own behavior. Spanking is used to directly control children's behavior. Spanking does not teach children how to change what they do, as good discipline should.
Isn't is easier to just spank my children?
It may seem easy at the time. But babies who are hit often cry louder. Older children who are hit often are learning to solve problems by hitting others. Many parents notice that after a spanking children may settle down for a while, but pretty soon they start misbehaving again.
Won't spanking teach children whom boss?
Kids do need to know that the adult is in charge. Spanking can teach children to be afraid of the adult in charge. Good discipline teaches children to respect the adult in charge. Respect goes both ways- treat children with respect and let them have some control, and they will respect you and listen to you.
Won't spanking make my children afraid to misbehave?
It can. Spanking can make children afraid to misbehave, but probably only when you are watching. Children need to learn to control their own behavior even when you are not around to watch them.
Don't children need a good spanking sometimes?
No child needs a spanking. Spanking can be dangerous. You can never tell when children will be hurt badly by a spanking if you lose control. Children do not need to be hit in order to learn how to behave.
If I do not spank, then what can I do?
You can do lots of things that will help your children learn self-control - you can help them feel good about themselves, you can show them how a person with self-control acts, you can guide them, you can set limits, you can correct misbehavior by talking to them, and you can teach them how to think for themselves.
What can I do to help my children feel good about themselves?
Let them know what they are doing right, as well as about the mistakes they make. Hearing good things makes us feel good and makes us want to do more good things. Say two nice but true things to children for every time you correct them. Remember, when they are changing their behavior, tell them how well they are doing, even if they only improve just a little. "Great, you played in the playground all morning without fighting."
What do I need to do to guide them?
One thing is to set routines for bedtime, meals and chores. Routines help children feel safe, because they know what parents expect.
Young children have a hard time going from one activity to another. Warning them a few minutes ahead helps them get ready. You can say, "You have five more minutes before bedtime." Be clear about their choices. "You can have milk or juice, but you can't have soda."
Remind them of your rules. Just saying no is not enough. Children often need reminders.
Cont....
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Cont...
How can I set limits
Here are some tips for setting limits:
1. Start with only a few rules. The more rules you have, the harder it will be for your children to remember them.
2. Be sure you know why you are saying no. As a parent you must keep your children healthy and safe. You must help your children learn to get along with other people. And you must stick to what you believe in. Explain your reasons for saying no. Be sure your child understands your reasons. "You cannot take your bike across town because there is too much traffic and you might get hurt."
3. Give kids a voice. Kids need a voice in setting limits. They need a chance to tell you what they think and feel. Even a child of five or six can talk with you and help you set fair limits. When kids help you make rules, they are more likely to obey them. It's important to understand their point of view, but just because you listen to them does not mean that you have to agree with them and change your rules. You can set many limits together, though some may have to be set by you alone.
4. Say what you mean. Be very clear about your limits. For example, state clearly the hour you want your child to be home. Say " 12 o'clock" instead of "Not too late"
Will my children like me when I set down limits? Will they think I'm a "meanie"?
Setting limits does not make you a "meanie" forever - not if you are fair. When you stick to your limits, your children may not like what you are doing. It makes sense that they might be unhappy. Try not to get upset. It only makes things worse.
Accept their feelings, but stick to your limits. For example, say, "It is hard to leave when you are having so much fun, but it is time to go." Fair limits show that you care. If you set limits by yourself that are unfair and too strict, your children will try to get back at you. If you do not set any limits, your children will push and push until someone sets a limit for them, maybe even a school principal or a policeman.
What do I do when my children break the rules?
Stay calm. Do what is fair. Sometimes, your children can help you decide what is fair to do when a rule is broken. Do something that makes sense and will help them learn not to make the same mistake again. For example, if they write on the wall, have them help clean it up.
You can use these problem-solving steps to help children think through what happened and figure out how they can help themselves not make the same mistake again:
1. Have the child say what the problem is ("I want to go across town, and my parent says I cannot take my bike").
2. Have the child come up with as many solutions as possible. At this point, the number of ideas is more important than how good the ideas are ("I could walk. I could take the bus. I could bike halfway and walk the rest of the way").
3. Discuss solutions together and have the child choose which solution to try next time. Be sure it is a solution you can both accept ("I will take the bus").
4. Try out the solution.
5. Check the results. If it works, great. If not, start again.
Two important messages come across to children when you use this approach. First, no problem is so great that you cannot solve it. Second, you are responsible for your own behavior.
What should I do when I am so angry that I think I am going to lose my temper and all I want to do is hit or scream at my child?
Find a way to help yourself calm down so that you do not do or say something you will be sorry for later. If your children are old enough to be left alone or if there is another adult with your children, go somewhere else until you calm down. Tell your children what you are doing. Take a walk, go to another room, or even lock yourself in the bathroom. Try to stay away no longer than five or ten minutes. When you come back to your children, calmly explain your feelings.
Other ways to calm down are to listen to music, take a few deep breaths, or count backwards from ten. Try to do something with your hands to keep them busy - bake a cake, wash a counter, draw, write what you are feeling, or even just scribble. To help yourself not say anything you'll be sorry for later, chew gum, sing or even put your hand up to your mouth.
Remember, what you do always teaches your children what to do. If you lash out, won't your children learn to do the same? If you do lash out, apologize to your child. Saying "I'm sorry" teaches them what to do if they offend others.
What do I do if my children get really angry because I discipline them?
Their anger is no reason to feel as though you're a bad person. Often children get angry when disciplined. As long as you are being fair, it's okay. Let them be angry but you keep your cool. Children must get their angry feelings out. Help them take time-out - draw, build something, play with clay, listen to music or go to a room alone and scream. Most important, when they are ready, help them talk about their feelings. Letting children get their feelings out is like taking out a splinter before it gets infected.
Teach them how to talk about their feelings without hurting or attacking other people. "I feel angry when I cannot go across town, because I want to be with my friends."
Remember: Discipline is how adults teach children to grow to be happy, safe, well-adjusted members of society. Raising children is a tough job, but as children learn to control their own behavior, discipline gets easier and easier. It's well worth the initial effort as your children become responsible for their actions. And you can feel proud that your loving care guided them on their way!
Stop using words that hurt. Start using words that help.
http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content/discipline.3.19.html#contents
Liebling
)) Edit: This is an exactly what I did with my children.
How can I set limits
Here are some tips for setting limits:
1. Start with only a few rules. The more rules you have, the harder it will be for your children to remember them.
2. Be sure you know why you are saying no. As a parent you must keep your children healthy and safe. You must help your children learn to get along with other people. And you must stick to what you believe in. Explain your reasons for saying no. Be sure your child understands your reasons. "You cannot take your bike across town because there is too much traffic and you might get hurt."
3. Give kids a voice. Kids need a voice in setting limits. They need a chance to tell you what they think and feel. Even a child of five or six can talk with you and help you set fair limits. When kids help you make rules, they are more likely to obey them. It's important to understand their point of view, but just because you listen to them does not mean that you have to agree with them and change your rules. You can set many limits together, though some may have to be set by you alone.
4. Say what you mean. Be very clear about your limits. For example, state clearly the hour you want your child to be home. Say " 12 o'clock" instead of "Not too late"
Will my children like me when I set down limits? Will they think I'm a "meanie"?
Setting limits does not make you a "meanie" forever - not if you are fair. When you stick to your limits, your children may not like what you are doing. It makes sense that they might be unhappy. Try not to get upset. It only makes things worse.
Accept their feelings, but stick to your limits. For example, say, "It is hard to leave when you are having so much fun, but it is time to go." Fair limits show that you care. If you set limits by yourself that are unfair and too strict, your children will try to get back at you. If you do not set any limits, your children will push and push until someone sets a limit for them, maybe even a school principal or a policeman.
What do I do when my children break the rules?
Stay calm. Do what is fair. Sometimes, your children can help you decide what is fair to do when a rule is broken. Do something that makes sense and will help them learn not to make the same mistake again. For example, if they write on the wall, have them help clean it up.
You can use these problem-solving steps to help children think through what happened and figure out how they can help themselves not make the same mistake again:
1. Have the child say what the problem is ("I want to go across town, and my parent says I cannot take my bike").
2. Have the child come up with as many solutions as possible. At this point, the number of ideas is more important than how good the ideas are ("I could walk. I could take the bus. I could bike halfway and walk the rest of the way").
3. Discuss solutions together and have the child choose which solution to try next time. Be sure it is a solution you can both accept ("I will take the bus").
4. Try out the solution.
5. Check the results. If it works, great. If not, start again.
Two important messages come across to children when you use this approach. First, no problem is so great that you cannot solve it. Second, you are responsible for your own behavior.
What should I do when I am so angry that I think I am going to lose my temper and all I want to do is hit or scream at my child?
Find a way to help yourself calm down so that you do not do or say something you will be sorry for later. If your children are old enough to be left alone or if there is another adult with your children, go somewhere else until you calm down. Tell your children what you are doing. Take a walk, go to another room, or even lock yourself in the bathroom. Try to stay away no longer than five or ten minutes. When you come back to your children, calmly explain your feelings.
Other ways to calm down are to listen to music, take a few deep breaths, or count backwards from ten. Try to do something with your hands to keep them busy - bake a cake, wash a counter, draw, write what you are feeling, or even just scribble. To help yourself not say anything you'll be sorry for later, chew gum, sing or even put your hand up to your mouth.
Remember, what you do always teaches your children what to do. If you lash out, won't your children learn to do the same? If you do lash out, apologize to your child. Saying "I'm sorry" teaches them what to do if they offend others.
What do I do if my children get really angry because I discipline them?
Their anger is no reason to feel as though you're a bad person. Often children get angry when disciplined. As long as you are being fair, it's okay. Let them be angry but you keep your cool. Children must get their angry feelings out. Help them take time-out - draw, build something, play with clay, listen to music or go to a room alone and scream. Most important, when they are ready, help them talk about their feelings. Letting children get their feelings out is like taking out a splinter before it gets infected.
Teach them how to talk about their feelings without hurting or attacking other people. "I feel angry when I cannot go across town, because I want to be with my friends."
Remember: Discipline is how adults teach children to grow to be happy, safe, well-adjusted members of society. Raising children is a tough job, but as children learn to control their own behavior, discipline gets easier and easier. It's well worth the initial effort as your children become responsible for their actions. And you can feel proud that your loving care guided them on their way!
Stop using words that hurt. Start using words that help.
http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content/discipline.3.19.html#contents
Liebling
)) Edit: This is an exactly what I did with my children.
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Eve, thank you for share Dr. James Dobson's "Dare to Discipline" here with us. It´s interesting to read them. Yes, I´m agree some of it but I prefer Marilyn E. Gootman´s "How to Teach Your Children Discipline". It´s almost exact tips what I did with my children.
Yes, it´s exactly and important.
Spanking do not solve anything.
Yes, I know that the children tried something with their strong-willed because they knows their parents´s weak points. They will respect you more when you show them who is the boss, then they will know who is only if you stick the rule to limit them firm. It would be bad if you change or play with rules alot.
Show your praise on your children is most important is hugs, love, affection, etc...
Teaching the children to respect you an earlier age is the best.
Yes, it´s exactly and important.
Spanking do not solve anything.
Yes, I know that the children tried something with their strong-willed because they knows their parents´s weak points. They will respect you more when you show them who is the boss, then they will know who is only if you stick the rule to limit them firm. It would be bad if you change or play with rules alot.
Show your praise on your children is most important is hugs, love, affection, etc...
Teaching the children to respect you an earlier age is the best.
Eve
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What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for all. I believe spanking has proven to be a plausible form of discipline through the ages. These days we have so many people telling us how to raise our children and not to spank, yet we have more crime now than ever before in history. Our prisons are overrun with convicts who obviously have never found social punishment that prevented them from breaking laws. Spankings should never go to the point of abuse, but to disregard them completely is insane.
I have a 2 1/2-yr-old son. He loves to run out into the street, mostly because it is fun to defy mommy. I would love it if he would simply take my advice and not run into the street every time the door opens, but no matter how many times I have discussed the dangers associated with running into the street, he is a rebel at heart (dunno where he gets that from). I would much rather spank his little bottom and have him fear another spanking, than have him encounter the bumper of an SUV flying down the street at 30 mph. I am not a bad mommy. I ensure that when he goes out of the house I am with him. He never goes outside alone. But, when someone walks through the front door, he is out it as fast as his little legs can carry him and just yelling "STOP!" does not seem to prevent him from going into the street. One spanking later and he knows that he would rather not have his tender little bottom spanked. Whatever works is worth no risking my child's life.
DeafSCUBA98
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it depends on sitution.. i do spank my son if he is doing something dangerous such as running across the street.
i feel spanking can be abusive if you just spank for small reason, but something serious that you seriouly need to get his attention then i think that's not a problem.my parents do spank me once a while when i was young and i learn right away.
i feel spanking can be abusive if you just spank for small reason, but something serious that you seriouly need to get his attention then i think that's not a problem.my parents do spank me once a while when i was young and i learn right away.
Alisteal
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I agree with the PP. We spank if my daughter is doing something harmful togetself or others. She got mad and threw a block at my friend's newborn baby's head. Yes she got spanking.
We take her over our knee and swat her butt three times. We don't do it in anger adn she never has even a TOUCH of a red mark but she sobs very loudly because she KNOWS she is in trouble and we're upset with her
We take her over our knee and swat her butt three times. We don't do it in anger adn she never has even a TOUCH of a red mark but she sobs very loudly because she KNOWS she is in trouble and we're upset with her