The burden of the HCODP

I am sure that this is common for the Deaf parents of hearing children but do you even stop to think to yourself what a burden we can be on our hearing kids? Do you ever feel guilty about it if you depend on them too much?

I remember watching a show (The Nanny) where she went to help Deaf parents of 4 hearing kids. Or, maybe the oldest, a teenager, was hearing. Anyhow, I remember the hearing daughter saying that sometimes she just wants to be a teenager but she has to hear for her parents. I sobbed. For the first time I realized how much of a burden it must be for my own kids to always hear for me.

I've tried to depend on myself a great deal, since watching that show that night, but I still find myself asking my 15 year old son, "What say he/she?" Or, "What she/he say?"

I worry about the day that I will be empty nester in a few years. As a teen Mum, years ago, I've never been without kids around.

I'm really interested in knowing how Deaf parents cope or what different things you've tried to become more independent of your hearing kids.

From my Hearing Help classes at Cdn Hearing Society/Toronto. One must do as much as possible by YOURSELF. If you are successful than one would not be completely"dependent"on their hearing children. I would guess that "deaf" parents are using ASL-now interacting with each other.
What did they do BEFORE they had kids?

Implanted Advanced Bionics-Harmony activated Aug/07

rebeccalj said:

I am sure that this is common for the Deaf parents of hearing children but do you even stop to think to yourself what a burden we can be on our hearing kids? Do you ever feel guilty about it if you depend on them too much?

I remember watching a show (The Nanny) where she went to help Deaf parents of 4 hearing kids. Or, maybe the oldest, a teenager, was hearing. Anyhow, I remember the hearing daughter saying that sometimes she just wants to be a teenager but she has to hear for her parents. I sobbed. For the first time I realized how much of a burden it must be for my own kids to always hear for me.

I've tried to depend on myself a great deal, since watching that show that night, but I still find myself asking my 15 year old son, "What say he/she?" Or, "What she/he say?"

I worry about the day that I will be empty nester in a few years. As a teen Mum, years ago, I've never been without kids around.

I'm really interested in knowing how Deaf parents cope or what different things you've tried to become more independent of your hearing kids.

Click to expand...

No, I don't think I am a burden. What is wrong with you?

Just act like a normal person. If you are having a conversation, take responsibility for yourself.

If you are asking your son about peripheral conversations, you are just an eavesdropper.

I agree with Botti here. I do not feel like a burden. My son is already planning on how best to get a job and work to save the money and move back to where we used to live. He is 15. My daughter is 16 and says that she will stay with us because she feels that her limitations will not allow her to live on her own. We have told her there will always be a place for her here at home. I don't rely on my kids at all. They are their own individual selves and are not supposed to keep watch over me. Now, if they offer, I may refuse or accept, but at least I don't ask them for help or to "be my ears".

KristinaB said:

I agree with Botti here. I do not feel like a burden. My son is already planning on how best to get a job and work to save the money and move back to where we used to live. He is 15. My daughter is 16 and says that she will stay with us because she feels that her limitations will not allow her to live on her own. We have told her there will always be a place for her here at home. I don't rely on my kids at all. They are their own individual selves and are not supposed to keep watch over me. Now, if they offer, I may refuse or accept, but at least I don't ask them for help or to "be my ears".

Click to expand...

I would begin to look into assistive devices such as doorbell flashers. Also, consider getting a dog. They will help you to know when things are happening. Begin to learn your way around in life as alone. Your kids will someday fly away, and that is the cycle of life. Be proud of what they do for you, but begin the process of adapting to life without them. I know it is scary. You need to prepare yourself.

saywhatkid said:

I would begin to look into assistive devices such as doorbell flashers. Also, consider getting a dog. They will help you to know when things are happening. Begin to learn your way around in life as alone. Your kids will someday fly away, and that is the cycle of life. Be proud of what they do for you, but begin the process of adapting to life without them. I know it is scary. You need to prepare yourself.

Click to expand...

...and much agreed. I've always had a dog and other animals as well. My boys are growing up,and right now, they insist going with me wherever I go. But sometimes, I put my foot down and say NO, I need time for myself. Having hobbies is important also. Making new friends in ur neighborhood, even checking out BINGO!...It's fun. I would never be a burden on my kids, and have taught them independence, as I've always been super independent myself.

I'm fortunate that the Deaf Community in my area is adamant that Hoh/Deaf parents do NOT treat their hearing children like "little 24/7 interpreters" for their family. It's simply not acceptable here - so much so that if other Hoh/Deaf people here see someone doing it they'll take the Hoh/Deaf adult away privately and have a good talk to them about how wrong it is. I don't have children of my own as yet - however I am very fortunate that I have had such strong, independent Hoh/Deaf peers & elders to model for me how to be a good Deaf parent!! I have a 1year old niece (who's also my God-Daughter) and I'm consciously using the skilling I've learned with her.

Here's what it comes down to... I'm Hoh/Deaf - managing that is MY job, not my children's (or in my cause niece's). It's my responsibility as an adult to set up the space in which we live (Hoh/Deaf & hearing) so that I can be independent in that space espeically regarding:

waking up on time (Sonic Boom Alarm Clock)
knowing if the phone/TTY is ringing (Visual signaller)
if someone is at the door (visual signaller)
if the smoke detector is going off (Strobe smoke alarms)
if the baby is crying ("baby cry"/"general sound" signaller)

Also in addition to having the proper visual/tactile signalling devices, I also have the responsibility of teaching my family how to properly get my(and others) attention and how to communicate with me(and others) to maximize understanding - which incidentally is the same as how I get their attention and communicate with them. Why?
Because as the adult it is my job to teach proper attention getting techniques, and communication skills and habits. The BEST part is that the techniques are actually more effective and respectful than most hearing peoples! In my home if you need to communicate with someone you first get their attention & then start talking/signing. If you need to talk to someone in another room - you don't YELL halfway across the house... you get up, go to the person (if entering a bedroom where the door is partly/fully open you gently flip the light switch a few times if the person doesn't notice you at the door right away). Once you have that person's attention (visually) then you speak to them, facing them.


It is MY responsibility as an ADULT - who happens to be Hoh/Deaf - to be a positive role model for others (peers and children)


In restaurants, stores and any other public places, handling communication is MY responsibility NOT my child's (or my parents etc). It is MY job to make sure that I keep a pad of paper/small noteboom/post-it notes etc. & pencil(s)/pen(s) with me so that if I don't understand what someone says that I am able to provide an alternate means of communicating with that person (ie writing notes).

At no point is it a child's job (regardless of their age) to be their parent's/aunt's/uncle's etc interpreter. They are a child. Period.

Putting a child (even an 18year old child) in the position to be the "official interpreter" for their parents is not only unfair, it's abusive and sends a terrible message to hearing people. When hearing people see a child interpreting for their parent they see an adult that is USING a child. They see an adult that is not capable of handling basic communication on their own. When places that are legally required to hire interpreters for their patients/clients such as Drs offices see a child interpreting for their parent - they think that interpreters are "needed" and will try to deny hiring the interpreter and getting the child to interpret! It's sooo wrong - both for the Dr to suggest, but even worse if the parent says "yes" and makes the child interpret (in a medical situation this is dangerous - and very very wrong morally and ethically).


As Hoh/Deaf people we have a responsibility to make sure that WE are independent and not using our children as interpreters & human "hearing dogs". Many CODA's want to "help" when they are younger - it is our job as adults to explain to children that while we appreciate that they want to be helpful that it is our job to be able to talk for ourselves (just like it's important that they are able to talk for themselves) and that there are many many other ways that they can be helpful (ie chores, being kind, being polite etc).

If we want the world to see Hoh/Deaf people as being equal to hearing people - then we have to prove that this is true. Many hearing people have preconceived assumptions about if Hoh/Deaf people can be good parents, or if we should be parents at all. One of the most important things that Hoh/Deaf parents can do to prove that we make just as good parents as hearing people is to make sure that we CAN be good, independent parents and positive role models by using assistive devices such as signallers and to make sure that we never "use" our children to communicate for us instead of being responsible and using interpreters, TTY/Video phone relay, pen & paper etc.

CODA children are children who happen to have Hoh/Deaf parents ... they are not their parents 24/7/365 live-in interpreter service and human-signalling device.

You don't NEED to hear to be a good parent ... you need to be RESPONSIBLE and CARING to be a good parent

Thank you all for your replies. I didn't mean to come across as though I always, always depend on my hearing kids because I realized a few years ago how wrong that was. Both for them and me.

I am a very independent and well educated woman. I have installed devices to help me know the doorbell is ringing.

We recently got a puppy and hope to have him trained as an assistance dog as a friend of mine trains assistance dogs. We also just adopted two rescued kitties but they will just be kitties.

I don't have a sonic boom clock so I know I need to get one of those as my son comes in and taps me if I haven't woken up. He shouldn't have to do that.

When I said that I ask, "What he say?" it is always in group situations where somone is talking and I miss the lip reading. I will stop asking my son/daughter and ask the person, directly. I don't do it often but doing it, at all, is wrong. Sometimes it seem easier to ask the kids but, in reading your posts, I realize even doing it in the first place is just not right.

Easier for me because I don't have to explain hearing problem to others. Not fair to kids. I understand.

Again, thank you.

oops. I meant to post in the other thread!, sorry!

Fuzzy